D wants to enlist in the military - help!

Parents Forum
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<p>My beautiful, intelligent daughter says she wants to enlist in the military and I'm heartbroken. She's obsessed with the marines and says she hates high school and doesn't want to go to college, and if she changes her mind, she can get a degree through the marines.</p>

<p>Her stats: rising junior, 4.2 GPA (3.9 unweighted), freshman ACT composite 27, soph PSAT 185. </p>

<p>I don't know where I've gone wrong. I try to encourage her to go to college, and then if she still wants the military, she will make a more mature, informed decision. She wants me to sign for her to enlist when she's 17 - no way! Maybe I've gone along with her too much. She's had this obsession since 7th grade, when the JROTC recruiters showed up at her middle school. Against my better judgment, I let her take JROTC in high school; other family members told me that if I refused to let her join, it would only make her more determined (she's very stubborn), that it was a form of teenage rebellion (I'm something of a pacifist), and that she would outgrow it.</p>

<p>Well, it's gotten much, much worse. She won't even consider ROTC scholarships or one of the military academies. That would not be my choice, (her college fund is in pretty good shape), but it would be better than enlisting right out of high school. She has a romanticized vision of the military as a family (I think the absence of a father in her life has a lot to do with that) and thinks she'll have her choice of military assignments. She refuses to listen to reason, and when I mention the terrible facts about traumatic brain injury, disfigurement, amputations, and the very high PTSD rate, especially among women, she gets angry. And she accuses me of being unfair because I told her I would get her a car if she goes to college, but not if she's enlisting in the military, and that I'm a horrible mother because I'm not supporting her decision. I told her that of course I will always love her, but I will not encourage her to do something that I think would be a terrible mistake, and if I did not love her, I wouldn't care. </p>

<p>I don't know what to do. She is my only child and I fear for her life, and her future. I'm thinking of taking her back to counseling (she went for a while for an eating disorder). She got into a JROTC leadership program, and I've said that if she wants to go to that, she must go to a summer pre-college program as well (she got invitations from Brown, Barnard, CSLC, NSLC, and I'm also looking at Summer Great Books) to broaden her horizons and give her some perspective. We live in a military town and I think she needs to get away from that influence. </p>

<p>If she enlists, I will be devastated. The only thing that gives me some hope that she will come to her sanity before graduating is that, when she gets mail from colleges, she fills out the cards and sends them in.</p>

<p>What should I do?</p>

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<p>What you need to do first is to prepare yourself for the onslaught of posts that will appear here. I predict that many, if not most, will say that you should let your daughter enlist, since that's her dream. Hopefully, they won't slam you for being unpatriotic. (Some of them may be insulted, for example, by the suggestion that she needs counseling because she wants to enlist, or that she needs to be away from the military "influence.") Others will be more sympathetic to your concerns, and then the two factions will argue.
To me, it's pretty obvious that you are fighting a losing battle, and that you will be more likely to salvage your relationship with your daughter if you back off and see what happens. She's only a rising junior. The idea of compromising and letting her take the JROTC leadership course is she does something different in the summer might work. You will get absolutely nowhere by talking about injuries, diseases, etc. That doesn't scare her, only you.</p>

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<p>Well...my advice is to take a step back and take a deep breath. Take some time to educate yourself about the opportunities in a military career. Yes, there are risks, however, there are risks in many careers. Would it be better if she went to college first? Well...that would be my preference, but, there are many opportunities for continuing education for an enlisted Marine. </p>

<p>But I would back off and give her some space on this. She may very well change her mnd, especially when she observes her friends getting excited about colleges. But if she doesn't; it isn't the end of the world; she may enlist and then be sick of it at the end of four years, or, she may make a fantastic career of it. </p>

<p>(Disclaimer: I work with a lot of government and military professionals, and, I would be thrilled if my daughter and only child wanted to join the Marines.)</p>

<p>Edited to add: today's military is morphing toward a more diplomatic role, or, at least taking on some of those responsibilities. In addition, since the next battleground is cyberspace, today's newly enlisted will likely spend more time in the classroom learning technology concepts rather than in the trenches....</p>

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<p>I focused on the statement, "If she enlists, I will be devastated. "</p>

<p>So there are two issues here - if you can separate them. One is how you feel - and that is the only thing you will ultimately have control of. </p>

<p>The second issue is what your daughter will do. Your daughter can (and it sounds like will) enlist at age 18 with or without your approval. It's not a whim - but something she has investigated since junior high. She doesn't want to consider ROTC or an academy. Maybe she doens't want to be an officer?</p>

<p>I am not sure when she turns 18. If after graduation, I would understand you not approving her enlistment until after graduation.</p>

<p>You mentioned counseling for your daughter. Have you considered it for yourself? It sounds like you have done a wonderful job raising your daughter by yourself, but I think your understandable fears need a different outlet than your daughter as she navigates through this next year.</p>

<p>Wishing you both well.</p>

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<p>When I enlisted at the age of 17 many, many years ago (under my mother's signature) my father said he would disown me because all women in the military were whores. I never forgot that comment. Be careful, therefore, what you say regardless of what you may think. </p>

<p>I managed to have an excellent four years (1 in Monterey, CA and 3 on the island of Crete), went to college and graduate school after I got out with the help of the GI bill, and don't regret a minute of my enlisted experience. In fact, those years were absolute bliss in my rose colored glasses of undoubtedly imperfect hindsight.</p>

<p>I agree that there are serious safety risks, but she may encounter those driving a car or in any number of other teenage pursuits. It's not necessarily the catastrophe you may fear.</p>

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<p>Hunt and latetoschool, thanks for your replies. To clarify a little, I reread my post and it does look like I'm talking about taking her to counseling because she wants to enlist, but what I meant was for the conflicts she and I are having - I should have said family counseling. Also, she probably has OCD tendencies (for example, as soon as I walk in the door, she tells me to wash my hands) so I think there's an obsessive element to this. </p>

<p>I just don't think she (or any other 15 year old for that matter) has the maturity to decide on a life path at that age, and I want her to explore other options. And she doesn't realize that college is very very different from HS; many people (including me) who hated HS loved college! </p>

<p>If anyone wants to slam me as unpatriotic, that's OK. I just want her to keep her options open. As I've told D, the military isn't going anywhere, and if it's really her dream to enlist, it will be there after college. She owes it to herself to explore, and discover what other dreams she may have.</p>

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<p>Wow. Why wouldn't you want your daughter to do what she wants to do with her life? One of the brightest girls in my graduating class enrolled in the Air Force, and her parents are proud. It takes a lot for anyone, especially a young woman to do that kind of a thing.</p>

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<p>I suggest that you help her research military careers, including by talking with present and former Marines -- officers and enlisted.</p>

<p>It also would make sense for her to talk to people who have attended military academies since with her very strong gpa, she seems like a potentially strong candidate for them.</p>

<p>I do not understand why she would wish to go straight into the military instead of going to college with a ROTC scholarship or going to a military academy. That's what doesn't make sense to me. Being a military officer -- which she would become via ROTC or the academies -- confers advantages over being enlisted. I agree with your idea of having her attend a college summer program so she learns about the college experience. </p>

<p>Stop thinking you've gone wrong. Our kids are born with their own personalities and interests, and those can differ greatly from what we'd choose for them or ourselves.</p>

<p>One of my friends, who is a peace activist (as am I) had a son who went into the Marines after high school, and served two tours in Iraq. The mother was against against the war. Still, she maintained a close, loving relationship with her son, who knew that she supported him and the other Marines in that she hoped they'd return home safely. </p>

<p>I think that your going to counseling may help you with your daughter. There's nothing that you've posted that indicates to me that your D needs counseling. I think, though, that you could benefit from counseling so you could understand more fully that our beloved children may make choices -- that differ from our values, but still are good choices for them. This also could help you navigate your D's teen years.</p>

<p>I empathize with your not wanting your D maimed or killed. However, it may be that being in the military is so important to your D, that she would not feel that she lived a happy life unless she has that experience even though it will risk her life.</p>

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<p>Have her read the book "Johnny Got His Gun"- it might put things in perspective.</p>

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<p>She's too young anyway, so it's a moot point right now. Make an agreement with her in which you agree to sit down and listen to her make her case next year, with the caveat that she does her best this year. I wouldn't agree to allowing her to enlist before graduation. I just think the diploma is too important to risk. Have you considered visiting (if you can) one of the Academies so she can get an idea of what they are like?</p>

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<p>Perhaps you could get in touch with one of the family organizations, such as a local chapter of Marine Moms. This organization has been a huge source of information and emotional support for my sister whose S2 joined the Marines instead of college, and whose S3 tried to, but became so ill in boot camp that he was sent home with a permanent medical discharge. You may well find that out there is a Marine Mom (or not-quite-Marine Mom) who has been through exactly your experience.</p>

<p>Wishing you all the best.</p>

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<p>Later, when graduation is near, why not float the idea of community college + a reserves enlistment? </p>

<p>That way, you both compromise. She gets a little military and you get a little college.</p>

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<p>califa - I can tell from your post the anguish that you feel as a loving mom. I don't think you are unpatriotic at all and yet I do admire your daughter for her convictions and desire for a military life as well.</p>

<p>I am the mom of a daughter who has made the same choice - though she has chosen West Point and will report in 5 weeks. Am I fearful - gosh yes but she will be at school for 4 more years so the fear is not as "urgent".
I also have a daughter who is "anti-military" - so yeah things get interesting.
You didn't go "wrong" as a parent at all - in fact you went quite right. You raised a bright daughter with love for her country and a desire to serve. Lots of very bright kids join the military and our country needs bright kids to serve - but none of that is comforting to you right now.</p>

<p>I know some very bright kids who have enlisted - one went to school with my oldest and was in the gifted programs all through school. He only ever wanted to be a helicopter mechanic although his parents were hoping for college. He enlisted in the spring of 2001 and is currently a sergeant.</p>

<p>I would suggest that you talk about it. Don't judge just talk. Let her do the homework - have her talk about what she wants to do in the Marines. What does she see herself doing?
Ask her to look at ROTC or the Naval Academy or for Marines - PLC which will not be until the summer after her freshman year. Help her to explore all the options including college. If she doesn't want college now does she ever want to go? When? How?</p>

<p>In the end - when she is 18 the choice will be hers. Over on the service academy forums we get kids posting whose parents are dead set against and they are determined. Some have to wait until they are 18 before they can take the medical exam and wait they do.</p>

<p>If she remains determined do not be afraid to stop by the Marine recruiting office or invite a Marine recruiter to your home to meet with you too. It is good that you are jaded - you can ask the hard questions and guide your daughter. Military recruiters are used to parents questioning them.</p>

<p>One more piece of advice - our children are only ours for a while. They grow up - they take the love, learing and values that we, their parents have instilled in them and run with it. Sometimes our dreams for them and their dreams for themselves do not mesh.<br>
Regardless of which path your daughter chooses, I see a bright future ahead.</p>

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<p>Can you talk to her guidance counselor or another adult that she might listen to? Maybe someone who has served in the military and would advise her to take another path to service? I have nothing against kids joining the marines, but from the facts you gave, it does sound like she might be doing this to rebel or shock.</p>

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<p>She is probably being highly influenced by her JROTC instructor.<br>
S1 is in NROTC at his college so I know the kids put a lot of stock in what their ROTC officers are telling them.</p>

<p>Try not to worry too much at this point. She may change her mind several times over the next couple of years. S has been in NROTC for three years but now is contemplating having his commission changed to Army...just when you think you have them all figured out, they change the plan again.</p>

<p>If she is still set on her plan in two years, there's really nothing you can do but to let her know you love her and will support her. Don't let your disagreement over her choice ruin your relationship which obviously means a lot to you.</p>

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<p>You might want to try talking to her JROTC leader and seeing if they'd try to push your daughter in a traditional ROTC or military academy direction. She might realize the benefits of doing ROTC (college paid for, entering the military at a higher level, and those sorts of things) are worth the time in school. My friend went through Naval ROTC and went on two trips over his summers. One was on a nuclear sub in Europe, where he got to see Italy, France, and Norway, and the other was spending time at a port somewhere in the South. He's currently in training to become an engineer on a nuclear sub, and last I heard, loves what he's doing.</p>

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<p>Califa, I don't think you're unpatriotic, just very understandably scared. Everyone who said she may change her mind a lot over the next year or two is right - especially when everyone else gets to talking about college; surely this is bound to peak her curiousity. </p>

<p>I have heard two different schools of thought regarding entering the service with (and therefore at officer status) vs. without a degree - one being that it's always better to go in as an officer; the other being that it is hard to hold command over enlisted personnel if the officer didn't come through the ranks like everyone else, so it is better to enter as enlisted. I have no idea which of those opinions may be correct, if either of them are - perhaps it doesn't matter. </p>

<p>I do know this - the military is changing in how it executes warcraft, and there are many very interesting cutting edge technologies in play; there are learning opportunities that will morph into skill sets that will transfer very profitably into the private sector. </p>

<p>If it were me, I'd back off for a while, and simultaneously educate myself about the career opportunities available to her. If you put some distance in it, it will give her some breathing room and perhaps make it "o.k." for her to explore other options.</p>

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<p>Califa - I feel your pain. Still, you have two years before your D can make her decision final. Use that time well. If she decides to enlist, at least you will know that she's been prepared for the challenge. Good luck.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
You might want to try talking to her JROTC leader and seeing if they'd try to push your daughter in a traditional ROTC or military academy direction. She might realize the benefits of doing ROTC (college paid for, entering the military at a higher level, and those sorts of things) are worth the time in school.

[/quote]

This is good advice.</p>

<p>Also, if your family happens to be eligible, you might see if she is interested in the CIA scholarship. A great way to finish school and serve your country, and working for the CIA sounds fascinating to a many of us. It requires financial need.
<a href="https://www.cia.gov/careers/jobs/view-all-jobs/undergraduate-scholarship-program.html%5B/url%5D"&gt;https://www.cia.gov/careers/jobs/view-all-jobs/undergraduate-scholarship-program.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

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<p>S graduated from college on May 11. He leaves for his final ROTC training on Monday. He will be commissioned as an officer in the army on July 5. He made the decision to serve his country for a few years before he goes to grad school. (He didn't make that decision until the end of his sophomore year in college when he joined ROTC.)</p>

<p>As a Mom, I am very nervous about his decision. However, he seems very proud, and seems to have decided to do this for the right reasons.</p>

<p>I can understand completely the anxiety that the OP is going through. (I don't have to worry about this decision for my D. She has a chronic illness that disqualifies her. I am not sure which child gives us more grey hair from worry......:o)</p>

<p>Good luck to you califa. Everything will work out.</p>