<p>One- dating =/= relationship like you think of it. Many people date around and date multiple people at once- ESPECIALLY early in the relationship. You aren’t exclusive from the first date unless you both want it that way. </p>
<p>Two- she might have gone into this thinking that this was a potential relationship and after a few dates decided that your son was not someone she wanted to be with. That does not mean she lead him on or anything of the sort. THAT would mean they gave it a go and she didn’t think they clicked like that. </p>
<p>Three- for someone who knows very little about what happened, you seem to know enough to make some awfully declarative statements about what happened, what didn’t happen, and what she was “intending” on doing.</p>
<p>Thanks for providing a viewpoint in an objective way.</p>
<p>It will be his and her mutual decision about what will be their next step.</p>
<p>Just from whatever little info the parent happens to know (or is allowed to know), there may be some incompatibility problems. She prefers multiple dating but he does not. She prefers to spend a lot of their face-to-face time on discussing her previous exes (often hours in one way communication without any need for any inputs) but he does not feel comfortable in listening to all the gory details. He gets up early because of his nature of “work” but she prefers to stay up almost till the early morning hours, sending i-msgs at 4:00 am to him. She wants to keep contacting with the ex and many others (talking online for many hours) without putting a clear end to it, but he does not like this. DS consulted it with one of his big brother/sister who is about his age, s/he also thinks it may have a rocky road ahead for them.</p>
<p>But, hey, it is their life and their decision.</p>
<p>It appears DS agrees at romani’s first point about whether she has the right of choosing to be non-exclusive at this point of their development. He has the second thought on whether he is too “pushy” by asking her to make the “exclusive or not” decision right now – thinking along the line of not having “earned” enough of her affection yet.</p>
<p>After all, he (and she) is close to romani’s generation than mine.</p>
<p>There may be further development when the school starts unless she rejects him outright. It appears she has not yet. However, he told us that although he may go out with her if she agrees, he would not continue to pay for her as he does not want to send out a wrong message. It is definitely not because he is stingy (a couple of hundreds extra spending here and there does not bother him much, considering the fact that his total debt before graduation will be well over six figures.) He just wants to be on the same page as her, meaning that this can not be rushed. She may continue to do her multi-dating thingie, but he might not be afford to (mainly due to the lack of time.) Only the fate will determine whether he will have the “lady luck” or not in the end.</p>
<p>He felt bad after the Thanksgiving holiday. It is hard to predict the future: whether he will also feel bad after an even longer winter break! Still a lot of uncontrollable variables ahead. Wish them to reach a mutually agreed -upon decision about this (whatever the decision may be) in the end.</p>
<p>OP on the paying thing…I’m probably your mom’s age, a professional, and I insisted on paying in most situations until the past few. I will tell you this probably stemmed from my own control issues. Many men (even the ones you may some day like) will take this as a “no thanks dude” or a sign that you aren’t interested. Obviously young people have tighter money and under no circs would I suggest the guy should always pay. </p>
<p>But remember people LIKE to treat the people they LIKE. It’s meant to surprise and delight you. Don’t make a habit of automatically denying people the ability to surprise and delight you.</p>
<p>Actually you’re probably younger than my mom. My parents were born in the 50s & had me kinda late.</p>
<p>Even my mom suggested that my bro Doesn’t pay because right now it’s her money. Neither him or me has a job so our money comes from getting an allowance.
Certain things my mom won’t let us buy like cigarettes (we don’t smoke but still).</p>
<p>I don’t see paying for your own meal as a sign of disinterest, i just don’t want a guy to pay when we’re all struggling with money.</p>
<p>OP, I think your mom has taught you well. In general, I think the girl had better not accept the offer from the guy to pay for her. However, maybe a couple of times only (after group dating) will be fine in my opinion as long as the purpose is just to help clarify that you two are on the date.</p>
<p>I think the first time (likely a few following ones) DS had an “official date” with his gf, the girl helped pick the place and he paid. It is likely that both of them are on financial aids, meaning that they are using their future income no matter who pays. Both of them were fine with this. Their issue is not “who pays”; it is a somewhat different expectation on when they will mutually agree that they will have a single date rather than multi-dates in parallel. I guess he will follow her preferred way for now but he won’t continue to pay under such an arrangement.</p>
<p>And for the friend zone thing, I don’t think the guy/girl that ‘got’ there can blame their crush. If the guy/girl had been clear & assertive with their intentions in the beginning Instead of befriending and hoping to evolve the friendship, the he/she would have maybe had it happen. </p>
<p>I don’t think its right to go the friend route when that’s not the person’s true intentions. Its being a fake friend esp when they try to hold on when they know there’s no chance of anything more than a friend. Why settle for something you Never wanted to have in the first place!?</p>
<p>I’ll admit back in hs I’ve tried to befriend a guy who I thought was good looking. Most of the time he was a jerk or had a gf. I was tolerating rudeness & got blinded by his looks I guess. But after I saw it wasn’t gona be anything other than a friendship, I cut off contact stopped being friends. </p>
<p>That was probably my shyness but now if I like a guy because of his I’ll get to know him & if things dont click then good-bye </p>
<p>I think DS should let it be a lesson learned & move on. It he really likes the girl as a person then fine stay friends but if he’s still trying to pursue her then he’s wasting his time (and money).</p>
<p>I think he’s still trying to pursue her albeit in a “slower” pace by (multi-dates) necessity (in a partly relationship and partly friendship?) Before the winter break, he actually made it clear to her that they could not continue on this path. After a few weeks of “calming down”, all he could think of are the good side of her. It is as if he’s not willing to give it up unless the girl tells him so (but so far the girl has not told him so. The only request from her is the relationship should be one of her many relationships for now, and he is willing to accept this – and hoping that maybe some day she is willing to have a more exclusive relationship with him.)</p>
<p>I think the “hookup” culture, if any, really sells out the girls who buy into this too cheaply.</p>
<p>Seriously though, I believe nowadays the women may pay more attention to men’s physical look/attractiveness, just like most men do always.</p>
<p>As a person who has long passed the “courting” age like me, I believe there is indeed a quite significant downside to be in a relationship with a “hotie.” She (or he) lives a life in such a way that many opposite sexes are naturally attracted to her (or him) If you are attracted to her, many may be attracted also. It is a life-long extra burden to “guard” her/him as “eyes candy” partner. Also, she (or he) may be more likely to be “spoiled” just because of her (his) look since birth. The day-to-day “dealing” could be difficult. But will a person in love reason like this? I do not think so.</p>
<p>Fwiw, I’m engaged to a “hottie” (was an actor/model throughout college) and I’ve never once felt like I’ve needed to “guard” him. I’ve got better things to do than worry about who’s crushing on him.</p>
<p>When I first started seeing my fiance, I noticed that he was constantly turning heads when we went out in public-- and that I was getting dirty looks from people, which I imagined to mean, “Why are YOU with HIM?” But I got over it. I think I kind of hurt his feelings the other day because he pointed out how he didn’t used to notice all the attention he gets and now that I’ve pointed it out he does, and I said, “gee, I haven’t noticed that in over a year.” OOPS! But in a healthy relationship, you don’t have to guard. The thought doesn’t even cross my mind. But I’ll tell you, my last boyfriend wasn’t a conventional “hottie” and I guarded him like crazy-- because it wasn’t a healthy relationship!</p>
<p>Mcat, I feel like you are becoming obsessive about the younger generation’s dating practices when you have very limited experience and understanding about them. I would hate for you to confuse actual young people on this forum looking who are looking for advice and guidance. Your S’s situation is weird and made weirder by your fixation on it.</p>
<p>And time answered my own question. He texted me ‘Hey gorgeous’ a few days ago & I let him know it made me feel uncomfortable so its not appropriate. </p>
Really!? I always hated when i’d develop feelings for my platonic guy friends. I never told them of course, I usually tried to lose contact a little so he’d never find out. </p>
<p>I always thought it was easier to date a total stranger if things don’t work out, there’s nothing to lose, no friendship was ruined or major feeling of rejection.</p>
<p>ForeIn - I met my husband when I was 18 in Calculus class. He asked me out but I was dating someone else. So we became friends. Later the guy and I broke up and my husband asked me out again. My point is sometimes it works out. :)</p>
<p>Aww that’s cute ツ
I always thought guys lose interest or give up when they are turned down and become friends with a girl instead. I’ve never stayed friends with a guy that seemed to like me more than a friend. I just freak out and slowly lose contact until we are no longer friends.</p>
<p>When my fiance met me, I was engaged to my high school sweetheart. We had been friends since our first day of college and didn’t end up going out until a year and a half later. </p>
<p>We moved in with each other about a week later and never looked back. I’m glad he patiently “waited” for me for almost 2 years (and by that I mean I’m glad his initial crush never went away… I had no idea he had a crush on me and he had absolutely no reason to think my ex and I would break up). </p>
<p>I believe DS’s short-lived romance has come to an abrupt end (or it rarely gets off the ground?) I heard they have returned each other the stuff. It appears they had a relatively “good” start, but it just did not last. At least it seems their breakup (if it is really a breakup instead of no relationship to begin with) is civil. It is as if she sent out a vague signal (quite skillfully?) and he got it and quickly backed out. Heartache? Yes. But it seems there has never been an argument before it’s over (or never started.)</p>
<p>If only one of them has the patience to “wait two years”, the outcome would likely be different.</p>
<p>Wonder whether they will keep each other as “just friends.” I do not think either of them wants it to be awkward. It is not easy for them to avoid running into each other completely in the next half a year at least.</p>
Many men (even the ones you may some day like) will take this as a “no thanks dude” or a sign that you aren’t interested. Obviously young people have tighter money and under no circs would I suggest the guy should always pay. </p>
</p>
</p>
(and by that I mean I’m glad his initial crush never went away… I had no idea he had a crush on me and he had absolutely no reason to think my ex and I would break up). </p>