<p>psychmom: both the original poster’s daughter and mine have diagnoses of ADHD (inattentive for mine, probably for the OP’s daughter too). I don’t think it is medicalizing things to attribute some of this behavior to ADHD. I resisted pursuing a diagnosis for years, relying on things like dance and good food to support my daughter, and wish I had medicalized sooner.</p>
<p>A kid with ADHD who is exhibiting these behaviors may very well be quite mature and independent. So thinking about how the ADHD may be contributing can avoid misinterpretations of maturity as well as keep relationships positive, since that explanation can also avoid blame and judgment to some extent. Cooperative relationships with adults, whether parent, coach, professor or advisor, are really key to getting it together over the long term.</p>
<p>I partied like a rock star my first semester at large State U, slept through 8 a.m. classes (WHY did I think those were a good idea?)… got put on probation with both my school and sorority. My parents (much to my surprise) said only this, “you can go back next semester and make your grades and enjoy 3 more years of fun on our dime, or you can go back and enjoy one more semester of FUN and come home, get a job and go to CC”. Then they left me flat alone… I worked my butt off and curbed my party ways drastically because I had NO desire to move back home and I loved my school/friends/etc. Made my grades (much to my parents surprise my mother told me many years later) and they improved every semester until I graduated. But the point is… you can’t do it for her, SHE has to want it, and if she doesn’t it’s likely this next semester is just going to be a repeat performance of the last. I hope it works out for all of you… so hard to stand by watch your kids fail, but sometimes that’s our only option.</p>
<p>Granipc, that does work SOMETIMES. Worked for one niece, not the other. I have one kid who would rather live in a homeless shelter than here at home, and another who would probably live here forever if I don’t give him a shove. No one size fits all advice here.</p>
<p>Compmom- nobody is trying to minimize the issues that go along with an ADHD diagnosis. But the issue of oversleeping, too much partying, missing classes due to the distractions of college life, and then procrastinating on getting a handle on the missed school work probably applies to 98% of college kids at some point (and usually Freshman year) of their college experience. None of mine were ADHD; all of them had issues with the above at one point or another. College life is fun; Mommy and Daddy aren’t around to throw you out of bed; unlike HS where you have to show up to see your friends, your friends are surrounding you 24/7 in college and you don’t need to pretend to be in class or the lab or the library to see them.</p>
<p>This is very typical late adolescent behavior. It doesn’t mean the kid is ADHD; sometimes it just means the kid is a kid. I don’t advocate spending 50K a year on summer camp for a kid who is not knuckling down on academics by January of Freshman year- but if every kid who blew off classes had a diagnosis, that would include virtually every college kid in America at some point or another.</p>
<p>cptofthehouse - I totally agree, but I think the point I’m trying to make is mom and dad need to set their expectation (whatever that may be for their family) and then place the responsibility on her to either make it work or suffer the consequences. I think what OP has done by providing her the information about getting the additional help she needs is awesome, now her daughter needs to either show that she’s mature enough to follow through with those things on her own, or pay the piper. No matter what her medical issues, at some point they have to grow up and learn how to manage whatever challenges they have on their own. Better to learn it now when the consequences are not TOO dire, than when she has a job and family to support of her own.</p>
<p>Absolutely correct. There comes a point in life, and that point is rapidly approaching, if not pretty much there, when one goes away to college, that whatever issues one might have whether it is ADHD or anything, you have to learn to deal with it because the world at large is not going to be accommodating. It is a brutal reality. Though you may get extra test time in school, when it comes to a client presentation and the company is under the gun to get it done, there is no extra time. When a board meeting has long been scheduled and stuff happens, and if the report is not done by Sunday, that it is your faith and day of rest, so you don’t want to work on Sunday, could mean your job. I don’t believe businesses give the accommodations they should be giving both legally and morally, but there is a firm line where sometimes a person can’t do the job. You aren’t going to be hired to lug 50 lb sacks when you can only pick up 25 lbs, and no, asking to break down the job so that you don’t have to do the lugging part doesn’t always work. Those hauling count on those breaks from the physical wear and tear. </p>
<p>In most cases, this all comes to a head at college, because there is no one to , let’s say it right out, NAG you to do the things that need to get done. Not to day that most of us don’t learn. My roommate dropped up of college, largely because she would not get up out of bed when she didn’t feel like doing so. She now has a PHD, raised 4 kids, and has been up at the crack of dawn consistently for years at some of her jobs. But at age 18, she couldn’t do it and at that time it seemed to be the end of the world to her and her mother. So sometimes these things do get fixed as one gets older, but when these problems first pop up, there is that painful rite of passage, trial by fire that happens until some resolution is reached. I do know people who have adjusted their lives so they do not have to get up early. Though, good luck at that when one has kids. Mine were like roosters until they hit their teens and then transformed into vampires, complete with the blood sucking–my blood.</p>
<p>Speaking as a parent of an ADD student: we got lots of this advice ourselves – be tough, set expectations, he has to want it, he’s just lazy, he needs to grow up, etc. etc… My experience is limited, but I don’t think telling a penguin he’s a bird, so he’d d@#$ well better fly or you’ll make him pay, works. It didn’t work for us. Not every student who avoids and procrastinates has ADD, but I’m willing to bet 95% of ADD students procrastinate and avoid. If you wander over to that forum, you’ll see the story repeated over and over. </p>
<p>They want to do better. They have every intention of doing better. And then the wheels come off the wagon. The threats, consequences, etc. only heighten the sense of impending helplessness and doom, and therefore the avoidance rachets up. Yelling at them doesn’t do anything positive. Reducing the workload, throwing out the timeline, creating small successes, ignoring the typical and embracing the individual worked for us. OP will find something that works for her and her daughter, too. College is an artificial construct of competence, weighted towards conformity and competition. The real world is less interested in those things that we like to believe.</p>
<p>I don’t think yelling and shaming the OP’s DD is the way to go, even if there were no ADD issues and she flat out threw caution to the wind and played all year. It’s done. The whole issue is where to go from here, and finding some way that can bring her into self sufficiency. That’s really what it 's all about. College is just one way to go. At this time, that did not work for her.</p>
<p>I’m not so sure about that considering many college Profs. and colleges tended to be far more generous about extending deadlines from what I’ve seen. Sometimes to the point of absurdity as I’ve heard from classmates in the same class who kept getting their deadlines extended. </p>
<p>However, once we hit the working world, the classmates who weren’t able to adapt to the workplace norms which were much less generous/inflexible about deadlines for getting stuff done on time or early ended up struggling. </p>
<p>Many of those classmates who weren’t able to adjust to post-college expectations about deadlines struggled to maintain employment even in boomtimes because they were regarded as “unreliable” and “flaky”. </p>
<p>In short, best to get the ADHD/avoidance behaviors addressed now because many in the working world frankly, won’t care despite the fact it’s “unfair” as one older classmate who was recently diagnosed as ADHD put it. </p>
<p>Unfortunately, ADHD was still relatively unknown and his parents and college weren’t aware enough to even test for it when we were undergrads.</p>
<p>Im just going to add that one of the things pretty common among kids with ADHD, whatever type, is that until they put some structure and accountability in place, they rarely know they are even drowning until they’re laying on the bottom of the pool. All that splashing around and flaying are interpreted as productive while the rest of us might see it for what it is… struggle.</p>
<p>Sometimes, however, it is just a matter of maturity. While my D1 will graduate many years later than some of her peers, she really did come into her own in the process. The fact that she actually wants to be a teacher was rather interesting until she told me her reasoning… she wants to be the kind of teacher she never had. We’ll see how it goes, but I think the important thing to remember here is that it is not unusual in the least to crash and burn, it is only our own ego, family ego, societal expectations, etc that make it so hard to swallow.</p>
<p>Kids with ADD are not lazy and some, who might be very intelligent in the right setting, often flounder in a new environment where structure and accountability are put solely on them. And I do think as some have well pointed out, that sometimes asking for help, recognizing where you struggle is something that has to come from the kid/student/adult. No amount of pressure or threats can make that happen.</p>
<p>Most colleges prohibit students from divulging their passwords to ANYONE. If she divulged it to her mom, and her mom logged in and read it, her daughter’s in violation.</p>
<p>I just came back to this thread, and greenbutton, you made me laugh! Thanks to you and to everyone for your support and advice. I find reading the varying points of view here invaluable. Daughter seems to have at least the same amount of traction today that she had yesterday. Which is a good thing.</p>
<p>I have a similar problem, but it is sophomore year in HS for my son. He does have sleep issues and will not wake up in the morning, but two sleep studies say he is fine. We are pursuing neurologists and psychiatrists right now, looking into Seasonal Affective Disorder (much worse in winter) and possible absence seizures (“I didn’t know it was due”). He says he wants to do well, but memory issues from lack of sleep are tanking his grades.</p>
<p>But for college students: many MANY schools have free counseling on campus. If she insisted to go back to school despite her low GPA, you should insist she get counseling and/or tutoring there. You can find out the info yourself - usually colleges have a counseling website, and services are free. She needs to recognize there is an issue first though. You can request that she ask the counselor to send you an email that she is being seen there; they can’t share specific info without her permission, but they can say if she is being seen if she gives them permission to say so.</p>
<p>I had a 3.4 GPA first semester freshman year, then ended up with a 2.0 the second semester including a D. I teach college now, and make the same recommendations to students who tank like I did that I made in the last paragraph. My problem was a boyfriend who had easier classes and convinced me to go out when I had work due. My final GPA was 2.7, but at least it wasn’t a 2.0. I did lose out on job opportunities because certain big companies immediately rule out applicants purely based on GPA (and I was in a tough engineering program where there was maybe 1 A in a class of 20 people, and 3 B’s, no employer cared…).</p>
<p>I also agree 100% that maybe she is not ready for college; many students are not but are pushed into college by family and school. But she can’t just sit at home either. Is there some other field, that doesn’t require college, that she is interested in? Does she really just want to take the year off? There are jobs like camp counselors that do not require college experience, and she could pick an area she likes, doing something she likes, and try that for a while. It doesn’t mean she’ll end up as a camp counselor forever, but maybe she needs a break.</p>
<p>Talk to a Dean, pull her out before her gpa is hopelessly trashed, she’s not ready. Get her a therapist. She’s floundering, made bad choices, needs help.</p>