<p>I've read some threads about this already, so I apologize. If nothing else, I can at least vent to those who know my pain. Or maybe someone can help me see through this madness. My daughter is in the second semester of her second year and just had her financial aid revoked for the SECOND TIME. With my GI Bill transferrred to her, we only need financial aid to cover her dorm fees, but it does make the difference. 1st year, 1st semester she was placed on academic probation. Being a pre-med major, I tried to understand when she said that taking the heavy load required for pre-meds, which included chemisty/biology the 1st semester, was a bit overwhelming...her room-mate wasn't the best, she didn't feel like she fit in, she had her first boyfriend/heartbreak, and (in my opinion) being away from mom/dad's rules and she also had a bit to much fun. So, I gave her the Spring to make it up. She cut down her class load and did much better the 2d semester, but it still wasn't enough to bring her GPA back up and she remained on strict academic probation. This meant having to submit an appeal request for her to receive financial aid Fall 2012. We went through the long appeals process (mind you, while i was also preparing to deploy) and received approval. The appeals approval also included her being assigned to an academic support program which included tutoring and the requirement for her to attend 4 seminars during the semester. 1st quarter, her grades were pretty decent and she was only points away from meeting the GPA requirement to get off of academic probation, which she could have easily done....so I thought. 2d quarter grades her went south. Although she did improve the one grade, 3 other grades dropped. This time the appeal/financial aid were revoked. Not only due to the decline in her grades, but because she also failed to attend 2 seminars. I blew my lid when I found this out. Her excuse?!! "The seminars conflicted with my classes". I asked if she'd taken the time to talk to her professor or counselor about resolution and she said no. When I asked why not, her response "I just figured everything would be okay". As stated before, I'm deployed out of the country, which is a good thing because I probably would have tried to shake that stupid excuse out of her!!! Now, I have to send $4000 to cover her dorm fees by tomorrow. Do I have the money? Yes. Do I want to give to her? Not really. I just can't rationalize in my adult brain how this former honors student, who left HS with a 3.5 GPA now has a GPA of 1.7 with no good explanation. Then, knowing this, she still does not care enough to do EVERYTHING required of her to retain her financial aid and remain in school. Of course she says she cares, but I see nothing in her actions that shows this. Now I'm torn over whether to tell her to pack her bags and head back to Chicago with her dad until I return, or send her the $4000 and give her this final opportunity to redeem herself before throwing in the towel. I already know her dad's answer. Any advice?</p>
<p>You will get many opinions on this, but it comes down to what you can live with and know is best.</p>
<p>I know there will be some sage advice following my post. First of all, hugs to you. It is stressful enough to be anticipating a deployment and then have to feel that your D issues aren’t resolved. Take a deep breath and read on. Your D has many options but the one thing that is not an option is growing up and facing reality. It does take some longer than others. Good luck!</p>
<p>If you paid the dorm fees is there any reason for you to believe that anything would change, or would you be sending good money after bad?</p>
<p>If you give it to her, I would work out a formal repayment (with interest) schedule even if that repayment schedule starts after she graduates.</p>
<p>Maybe pre-med is not for her?</p>
<p>One of my best friend’s son has left college twice. Once it was really expensive for them. This is a brilliant young man with a great work ethic and he’s a nice person too. He will eventually repay them, I feel sure. That doesn’t tell you what you should do, because every person and situation is different. Just hugs across cyberspace. My son wasn’t perfect either. I wasn’t so perfect myself. I’m still not.</p>
<p>I personally would not send the money. I do believe you would be throwing in good money after bad. She can either go home to Dad and get a job like most people who don’t go to college, or she can go home to Dad and give CC a try, which doesn’t require dorm money.</p>
<p>I’m sorry you are having to go through this right before you deploy. Even if you take a hard line, do tell her you love her dearly after it’s all said and done. Good luck.</p>
<p>Some questions. </p>
<p>When she was in high school, did she need a lot of prodding to get the basics such as getting up in the morning, completing/turning in homework, studying for exams, completing administrative tasks such as college applications before the deadline, etc? Or was she independent enough to complete all of the above without parental supervision…especially in the junior/senior years of HS? </p>
<p>Did she really want to go to college out of some internal motivation or because that’s what everyone at her high school did? Is she doing pre-med because she really wants to be a doctor or is she doing it because “that’s where the money is” or “that’s what all smart kids do”? The last two tend to be mental traps many aspiring pre-meds fall into from what my friends and I have seen in college and beyond. </p>
<p>What were the science requirements at her high school? How many were lab courses and did she consistently do well in them?</p>
<p>Has she been showing signs of burning out from two years of inconsistent and mostly mediocre or worse grades? Maybe she needs to consider taking a gap semester/year to get herself back together and spend some time working any job she can land with a high school diploma.</p>
<p>The environment at school sounds overwhelming and distracting for her, and even with the support system in place, your D is struggling to find her way.</p>
<p>I don’t think there is one particular way to handle this. I could see myself wanting to give my D “one last chance” to see if she could get herself together, hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. I could also see stepping in at this point to limit the damage and develop a new strategy, which may also help as a wake-up call.</p>
<p>Hugs to you at this juncture…we all want what’s best for our kids but getting there is often a back and forth thing with no simple answers.</p>
<p>I feel and understand your pain, been there, at least the first semester probation part. </p>
<p>On one hand, a break may be in order, so she can re-evaluate her priorities. </p>
<p>On the other hand, I also feel staying in is important, sometimes you just don’t get the momentum back if you leave.</p>
<p>If she is still pre-med she may wish to rethink that. It’s my understanding that GPA means a lot for med school and it will be hard for her to bring it up to what is likely required for med school admission. Perhaps her academic strengths lie elsewhere?</p>
<p>In the end it’s for you and she to decide. I was very clear with my S that if he lost his financial aid or scholarship, that would be that…I simply can’t cover it. Though you can, I understand you may not want to.</p>
<p>Virtual hugs to you…many of us have been there too, it’s not easy.</p>
<p>Will your daughter be ok if you aren’t around to keep an eye on things? How does your husband deal with her if she needs assistance?</p>
<p>For whatever reason(s) it doesn’t sound like she’s ready to make the most of her college opportunities now. The great thing about this country is that it gives 2nd and 3rd chances for education. You wrote about “throwing in the towel” and titled your post about “Should I give up” as if its a final ending (at least the way I interpreted it). </p>
<p>Another way to think of this is as a chance to step back, regroup, and come up with a new approach. It might be the end of the road at this school, but your D’s long-term interests might be better served by a rethinking of what she wants to do and what she’s willing to do in order to get there. This may involve some time away from college.
And my point would be that sending in the money does make everything ok. Enabling her to avoid responsibility and consequences is not doing her any favors.</p>
<p>Does she realize her grades have eliminated her from consideration from med school? If so, what is her plan?</p>
<p>How does Dad feel about this? There is a lot going on here, and though I agree with you and everyone else that she should have done better, she may be fighting some deons of her own. </p>
<p>I believe the rules about getting financial aid are that once you do lose the aid, as she has, in order to get it back, she or you or whoever, has to come up with the money and successfully show she can make the mark. Look up what the exact rules are on this. If you truly have the money, being deployed, and so much going on right now, paying for her dorm and giving her this last chance might be putting the final nail in place for her not going back to this school next year. Talk to Dad and find out if there seem to be other things going on that are troublesome, and if he feels this very last chance should be given. If she doesn’t get it together this term, I would absolutely not pay another dime. She can find a job and start looking at other options. College is not for everyone at every time. </p>
<p>I went through this twice with one son, who pulled it together each time, and he did manage to graduate in 4 years though not with the best average. He lost his scholarship, got into all kinds of trouble and made me cry silent tears that ripped me into shreds inside, so I know how you feel. That you are away, makes it even more difficult, and I have to hand it to you for what you have to do in your job. I think in my son’s case, the consensus would have been to cut the money strings and let him go on his own, but he did come up for air and keep going, though he had pulled me to the very brink of throwing my hands up in despair. It comes down to where your personal Cut point is. You know when you won’t do one thing more, because you’ll feel it way down there and you won’t even ask because you absolutely won’t want to do it. I don’t think you are quite there yet. $4K might take you there if she doesn’t pull it together.</p>
<p>Hugs to you.</p>
<p>I can’t say give up. That is a very personal decision but…
You said she is pre-med. She is not going to get accepted to medical school based on her current academic record. Med school is hard and moves very fast. She has demonstrated that she has any chance of succeeding in med school academically. It’s not too early for her to change majors. Nursing is a good option if she wants to go into medicine and a bachelors would lead to a nice career with out further schooling.</p>
<p>As far as her academic struggles, I will say the obvious, she needs major help - self discipline, tutoring and academic and career counseling. </p>
<p>You need to put a limit on what you will do and provide her with her options - fail and go to community college or come home and work or whatever it is. No cell phone, no car, no money, etc.</p>
<p>Madaboutx, nursing programs are very hard to get into, so that is likely not going to be possible for this student, either, but you are right, there are still options.</p>
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<p>Getting into nursing school is very competitive. She will not get into nursing school with a 1.7 GPA.</p>
<p>Maybe you shouldn’t think of it as you giving up but rather her growing up. What is the best thing to do to help her grow up?</p>
<p>Don’t give up on your daugher. That doesn’t mean you spend the $4000. It just means that her path will be different than the one you envisioned. She will learn these lessons on her own time. There is nothing wrong with stopping out for a while, earning enough to pay her own semester the next time, then, you can pay semester by semester, depending upon her performance. But let her stop school for now, it sounds like it’s overwhelming for her, she needs to mature, or, she’s majoring in “fundecided.” Either way, she’ll learn more by taking charge of her own life by living with dad and getting a job. It’s okay if it takes her much longer or a bit longer to finish school. This is not terrible. Good luck to you and your D. Don’t spend the money, IMO you will do her no favors. This is a bit of “tough love.” And it really is okay.</p>