<p>If mominizer’s D is anything like mine, who has some similar issues, they have been trying to teach those “breaking down the problem” skills for the last 10 years. 
Some kids just can’t do it.</p>
<p>You’re handling things Mominizer!! Good job and stay on top of her activities until the end of the semester if she continues with school.</p>
<p>Didn’t read all of the replies so sorry if someone else already posted this…</p>
<p>I would start by getting in contact with the Area Director in the res hall she is living in. You can request that someone check up on your daughter (it usually ends up being the AD themselves or the floor’s RA). They can at least keep tabs on her and make sure nothing serious is going on. </p>
<p>I would also set an ultimatum and if she doesn’t reach the GPA you have set, she cannot continue her education there. I would then (and sorry if this sounds harsh) make her pay her own way through community college (if, of course, she even wants to go). That means she needs a job first, which will teach some responsibility. Only once she proves she can achieve a certain GPA in CC, I would start talking about transferring to a 4 yr to finish her degree. </p>
<p>You have done what you can as parents, now it is her time to learn how to be a responsible young adult. If she doesn’t learn now, who knows if she ever will. </p>
<p>I mean no disrespect by my above comments. I am merely commenting after observing similar situations as an RA at my school. I can see which students end up succeeded and which don’t and have derived my advice from there. </p>
<p>I wish you the best of luck, you are obviously a very loving parent who wants the best for her daughter, and I commend you for being there for her. Many parents aren’t, she is lucky to have you.</p>
<p>Thanks, mad. I feel like we made some good progress, with my own stress level – previously off the charts – receding to a more manageable sub-hyperventilation level.</p>
<p>I once took a yoga class where the teacher said, “the only way out is through.” True - for both daughter and me. We’re going through.</p>
<p>Her avoidance behavior, and anxiety make perfect sense to me now that I know she was already diagnosed. Glad to hear she has the support of meds. Is she getting any regular exercise? I know it might be hard to get her to go, but it would help so much with the anxiety piece. Have you considered/researched any services available to her in Disability Services office? Coaching might really help her if it is available. Counseling is great. Sounds like you are making progress at getting to the bottom of it. Hang in there!! I really like the Hallowell books about ADHD. Maybe she can make it through the semester with additional support.</p>
<p>The disability office can be really helpful. With medical documentation, she can get extensions on papers. Not as a favor, but to help her do work at a level that she is able to do. Is she registered?</p>
<p>I don’t know about your finances, but I know kids with ADHD whose academic lives were saved by a good coach. They can be found through the college or even online (check in with Landmark). </p>
<p>If things aren’t as bad as they seemed at first, then maybe she can stay and make it work, but with all the supports that can possibly be put in place.</p>
<p>That ostrich head in the sand thing, including skipping classes and missing deadlines without apparent involvement of her conscious mind, is very familiar, unfortunately.</p>
<p>p.s. the kid in my house with similar issues is finding that online courses work really really well for her; no lecture to sit through, or discussions/questions by others and the class, as she said, is not “linear” but “scattered,” much like Facebook!</p>
<p>So thus far, as far as the op knows its one assignment?</p>
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How do you know that she knows that you check her email. What would you do if she changed her password? </p>
<p>For the record, I’m really uncomfortable with this. Is that even legal? Is it just me?</p>
<p>It is legal for people to share access and passwords. My husband and I do. Her daughter may not remember or think a lot about her mother checking but she gave her that access when she had mom set up the email account.</p>
<p>OP - I can understand why you want to bring your D home. If you decide to let her stay, try to find a way to require her to work with organization coach.</p>
<p>So how much is she missing? How many classes? How do you know? Are the profs sending her emails asking for assignments and why she is not in class? </p>
<p>From what the op has stated, she knows about one school wide assignment. Yet people want to pull her out of school.</p>
<p>Whereas the crash part? I don’t see it from any new posts…I see a bit of hyperbole actually.</p>
<p>If she’s continuing to miss class or otherwise avoiding daily responsibilities necessary to be a viable college student, I’d lean towards getting her home and taking a gap semester/year so the underlying ADHD/avoidance behaviors could be worked through as a family. </p>
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<p>Depends on the ISP or institution which it is from. </p>
<p>Some won’t allow this as they consider it a security breach to allow such sharing…especially with anyone who is not officially affiliated with the institution concerned. For instance, some colleges including the one I attended didn’t allow such sharing…even with family and considered any such sharing to be a violation of computer security policies. Heck, it was considered an honors violation at my LAC when I attended. </p>
<p>I’d check the individual ISP’s/institution’s email terms and conditions to be sure this isn’t a violation.</p>
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<p>It refers to a potential crash which isn’t unjustified considering the OP’s D’s is likely already under academic probation due to having a cumulative GPA of 1.81 as seen here:</p>
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<p>Another semester like that and she’s likely to face academic suspension or if it’s really abysmal or the admins are inclined towards unusual severity, even being academically expelled.</p>
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<p>Realistically, if she flunks out of college, then decides to return to college, the most likely college that will take her is an open admission community college nearby. At least it is likely to be inexpensive for the first half of a bachelor’s degree (before she has to transfer to a four year school for the second half).</p>
<p>Classicrockerdad, if someone gives you his/her email password and knows you are checking the email, the legal issue is covered. The mom didn’t hack into the email or find the password lying around. That’s the least of the problems here. The central issue is that there is a kid at college who is on the brink of flunking out right at the point where some refund might be salvaged. Already has blown the first chance with a very low, gpa first term and isn’t doing well already and is saying she is not making it to class. </p>
<p>The advice then is what to do? I say, mom should invest in a trip down there with DD, get the permission to talk to advisors and other resource people to see if this is salvageable. If things are bad, the question whether to let the DD have ANOTHER wasted term with the money involved and make the then inevitable decision that she is not going back to that school, or should the issue be addressed right now, with just one ruined semester on record and some returned funds that could help with other options at home. </p>
<p>Tough decision if the DD does not agree with the mother. If she is willing to put the white flag up and withdraw, then it’s time to go home and regroup with what refunds one can recoup. If she is not any harm to self or others, under medical/legal definition and insists she can still make a go at it, then the parents don’t have a lot of choice but to hope she can make it over the hurdle and make a clean break of it at the end of the year if the grades show that she should not or cannot return to the school. It is up to the parents as to whether they want to invest MORE money into the DD, but what they have already paid may be legally their DD’s at this point and what she insists is her right. There also may be some finality in letting her officially fail, as one can fool one’s self as to whether she is really in trouble right now without the literal writing on the wall. People fool themselves that way alot. When the transcript and verdict is on paper, not much one can say about whether the term was a failure or not. At the beginning or even midway through, it is a lot more ambiguous and up for debate.</p>
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<p>I am curious as to the group’s opinions of this kind of behavior. Do you feel it is mainly due to anxiety, personality or ADD? Or is it from a combination of things?</p>
<p>It’s called late adolescence. Just like when your kid was a toddler and had an imaginary friend; this is the tail end of that wishful ideation.</p>
<p>Not uncommon in college Freshman!</p>
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<p>I have worked with college freshmen for 20+ years. My answer would be “none of the above.” Yes, all the things listed can lead to avoidance behaviors, and if parents suspect those things, they should seek professional assistance. However, I would say the number one reason for the head in the sand is simple immaturity, i.e. not being “ready” for the experience. “Ready” is obviously more than academically ready. There’s social and emotional readiness. There’s also professional readiness. Has the student truly considered what he or she wants to do/study–many have not. (I asked one of my freshmen this year why he selected the program he did. He just shrugged and said, “Had to write down something.” ) Many of those who crash and burn will be fine if they return at a later date. Just don’t rush that return.</p>
<p>Thanks. It is helpful to remember the developmental piece rather than rushing to “medicalize” the behavior.</p>
<p>Sigh, it really doesn’t matter in the crux of a crisis what the cause of it is. Whether someone drowning knows how to swim is a moot point. You save the person first and then try to find out what the issues are. Many times it is a combination of factors that culminated into a tipping point along with human nature procrastinating to address the problems then caused because it’s too painful. Being at college provides so many diversions from dealing with issues. </p>
<p>I know a family whose now adult, very mature, doing well son duped them out of a semester of college cost. He withdrew, pocketed the money and continued in his life of RIley with the funds until he was caught by some fluke–a neighbor visiting the school with a high school kid, losing the phone number of the young man and trying to get info on him to contact him about a lunch date that had to be moved, only to find that no such person was enrolled. Yeah. They do that. Temporary insanity runs amok among many young adults and we can only hope it is harnessed as the the kids grow up.</p>
<p>Sigh is right…the emotional world can be so frustratingly illogical.</p>