Daughter broke up with boyfriend of 3.5 years what happens now?

[blossom]

There’s a difference between a quick “so happy our families got to know each other” with a brief hug and “omg, I can’t believe that after all this time the kids aren’t together, we are devastated, your son must be a wreck, he’s like a member of the family, who saw this coming?”

If the OP can manage the first without tears and with no danger of the slippery slope…then fine. But if it’s too emotional for now, I think leave it alone for a few weeks. Don’t forget…the other mom has feelings too and she may not want her colleagues at work being witnesses to the drama.

[abasket]

Yes of course - don’t need a crying session but just a moment to acknowledge what happened.

[oldfort]

I always say, “I love him as much as you love him” to my daughters. It is something I say to myself whenever I meet my kid’s SO.
D2 broke up with her BF of 5 years 1.5 year ago. In my heart I never thought he was right for her, even though I enjoyed his company. Fast forward, D2 is making wedding plans with someone she met a year ago. They are much better for each other. I think our kids know when someone is right for them and we need to follow their leads. I have 2 girls and I tried not to be too vested in their relationships.

[deb922]

My daughter had has 3 long term relationships. If she’s happy, we are happy.

One we were relieved when they broke up, one I was sad about but if she didn’t think it was right, then it wasn’t. I really liked his family (and so did she) and was sad that his family wasn’t going to be her in laws.

Her current relationship is the one. They are engaged and planning the wedding. He’s been there for her. His family, they are ok. But the good news is that I think her fiancé has good boundaries with them. It will work out.

[HImom]

S never introduced us to any of the other women he dated, only his current one, whom he’s now dated 6+ years and is engaged to be married in October. They get along very well and are happy together.

My mom was always cordial to our friends but didn’t get invested in any relationships until we were engaged or married. There were 7 of us so I’m sure she and dad would have gone nuts if they cared about each of the partners we had along the way.

[1214mom]

We are of the opinion that if our kid is happy, we are happy for them. We try not to get too invested. I did get thrown by the first serious relationship, but learned my lesson not to get too close.

[aunt_bea]

@emmy2

I am physically and mentally ripped a part by all of this. I am proud of my daughter for recognizing what she needs and her feelings but why am I so physically Ill over this? How do we move on?

Counseling. From my point of view, you were too involved if you are the one who is physically ill from all of this.

I have a sister who has constantly overstepped her bounds and was overly involved with her kids bf/gf and their parents. It is a mess.

When her elder boys tried to break up with the girlfriends, she was devastated and stepped in to “engineer” their love lives. She set them up again and encouraged (pushed) them to get back together constantly. Since they were “already family” all they had to do was get married.

What a mess! The eldest ended up marrying someone who was a “friend”; they had 3 kids and never smile at each other; they don’t do anything together. They don’t look happy together. Their marriage looks completely platonic as they have very little in common.

The 2nd son married a girl with a temper. She has some serious anger issues and is violent-throws items at him! They live in separate parts of their house. They don’t like each other and have said that they are in it “for the kids”. My sister says that we’ve caught their fights on their “bad days”.

The 3rd daughter was set up by my sister (their mother) on a blind date. He was too polite to refuse my sister. Well he became a dating friend but he looked strangled and he bolted by leaving town. My niece hasn’t dated since, because their mother said that she should continue to reach out to him. No. Leave him alone.

The youngest met a guy, had his kids and my sister tried to force him to marry the daughter (my niece). My sister even moved to the next county to put pressure on the guy (and his family) to marry her daughter and live like the family that they are supposed to be. She constantly “visits” the “in-laws”. Neither person wants to be in a relationship and my niece moved back home to get away from her mother and the situation.

I’m not saying this is your situation. I’m just showing you an overly involved, pushy mother. We, as her sisters, as well as my mother, have told our sister to “butt out” of her adult children’s lives, but she said her goal is only to make them happy.

We’ve told her that her children don’t look happy and she says that we just don’t understand.
Yes, she’s been to counseling, but she has to keep changing counselors when they don’t agree with her meddling. The rest of the family feels so sorry for those kids and now grandkids. Their mother micromanages everything!!

[momocarly]

In our case things were a little different. Son was finishing undergrad she was deciding that med school might not be the way to go. Dating for 2 1/2 years. Son broke it off during finals! He was getting cold feet. I was hurt and a little angry with his timing. I adore her. It was NOT pretty.

2 months later I have a call that he is going to her house for the weekend. Apparently after some time apart they both realized they were better together. I’m glad I held my tongue and stayed out of it. COVID hit a month later and during that they really learned to appreciate each other. Now after 6 years together they are getting married in 19 days!

Give your daughter time to grow and see what happens.

[HImom]

Agree that just being supportive and noncommittal and go on with life. If they are meant to get back together, they will. If not, they will find other paths that work for them.

We need to let folks work their own lives out and need professional counseling when we are over-invested in the relationships of our kids.

[mikemac]

@emmy2

How do I maintain this friendship and working relationship with his mom? I

I can tell you had hopes and expectations for your D’s relationship with her BF and it is possible they may end up together. But I don’t want to try to dangle a carrot, at this time it may be more probable they don’t and perhaps for good reasons you don’t know about or perhaps wouldn’t agree with. But it’s her decision, their decision, not yours.

Do I reach out to him? He was like a son for 3.5 years and now is just gone!

I just don’t see any reasonable scenario where you reach out to him first. If he’s over visiting your son (and not under your insistence to your son to invite him over), fine. If he calls you, fine. You contacting him? No.

For you and his mom, it may be fine if you leave your kids out of it for the time being. While I don’t have direct experience, I have a friend who became close friends with the mother of her daughter’s BF and even after the D broke up with him they were able to keep being friends because they liked each other and liked spending time together. So it is possible.

[natty1988]

Sometimes we as parents need to step back and let our kids live their own lives and figure out their relationships. I’ve seen it not end well when parents get too involved in their kid’s relationships.

[Lizardly]

Son’s GF of six years broke up with him a year ago. He was devastated. We talked about it for a few weeks and he saw a counselor. Slowly he has gotten over it, has been on dates, has broadened his social life. I think it left a mark.

I was sad and surprised when he told me. She was and is a terrific woman who brought out the best in him. I, too, had a desire to tell her I liked her and wished her well, but I squashed that impulse. I liked her family, too, and looked forward to us all getting to be friends. We do quietly follow each other on social media, with an occasional “like,” but that is it. (We do not live near each other.) In retrospect, that was the right thing to do. Leave it in S’s hands. Maybe she comes back in his life, maybe not. Because he was very hurt, I would not try to contact her for awhile yet, even if something neutral came up in which it made sense to reach out to her. (I knew her well enough for us to have common interests.)