My daughter broke things off with her boyfriend of 3.5 years. He was my sons best friend in high school, and had become like a son to us. We became very close with his family doing everything together. His mom and I work together (which is awkward now). I thought he was the perfect boyfriend, treated my daughter like gold! He didn’t go to college and is working full time in a great job. My daughter is in her second year of nursing school. He was ready to propose next year, talked about the future, was saving for a house, etc. She entertained his thoughts too but then something changed and she feels as though she’s not ready for that so she broke it off. She says she loves him but she can’t be in love with him right now because she needs to work on herself and learn to love herself again. I am heartbroken probably because I was too involved, but also because I thought they were perfect together. Do I reach out to him? He was like a son for 3.5 years and now is just gone! How do I maintain this friendship and working relationship with his mom? I am physically and mentally ripped a part by all of this. I am proud of my daughter for recognizing what she needs and her feelings but why am I so physically Ill over this? How do we move on?
You let your daughter guide you. It sounds like she is ready to move on. So, you need to as well.
This sounds exactly like me. I broke up after 3.5 with the same HS boyfriend when I was a sophomore in college. He had dropped out of college. After I broke up, he shows up with a ring. My mother for the next few months often took his side, which I considered a horrible betrayal. Please don’t be my mother. Consider counseling if you in fact think that you have been too enmeshed in their lives.
I am still friends with Daughter’s former ex’s mother, but that was because we had a friendship outside of their relationship. With her most recent ex, this was not the case. So i would check with your daughter, about the issue with the mom, and make a deal with the mom, that their relationship is off limits for discussion. As far as he goes, a nice text just saying, something like “it was a pleasure getting to know you all these years, and I hope for great things for you in the future”, should be enough if you feel like you want to reach out.
Oh and in the most recent breakup, where I did think after 2 1/2 years he was going to be the one, he is the one who said "I need to focus on myself and my schooling (med school). " Unlike your daughter though, he really wanted a girl that was at school with him since he had a new GF within 2 months.
I think you have to keep your thoughts and actions in the “here and now”. Try not to look ahead too much (I’ll never see him again!).
Are they decently young? She may just see her path splitting off from what they originally pictured - or he was more on the path to a permanent relationship than she was.
She may be overwhelmed. Relationships are a lot of work. Nursing school is a lot of work. She may need to make room on her plate - for now. If they are “meant to be” time (and time away) may be their friend.
In the meantime, be there for your daughter. You might say to her “I fully support you and your decision. I do have feelings for “ex” and would like to text him and just express that I hope he is ok - is that with you?”
As far as the mom, well, you are both sort of in the same spot. I’m sure she will miss your family connection too. Do you think she is bitter towards your daughter? I would just express to her that you are saddened by the break up and the loss of connection with her family. That’s just the truth. You don’t have to go into details or take sides or defend your daughter. Just acknowledge the part of the relationship loss YOU have - him/his family.
I think you need to give it a rest for now. Perhaps at some point you can send him a hello text, hope you’re doing well - in a few months.
It may have been too much, too soon for her- proposals and all. It may be she wants to experience other people. It may be she loved him like a brother but not a spouse. It may simply be - if it was at 30, it’d be great - but not at 20. It seems like a lot of “future” for a student quite frankly.
As for the mom at work, be professional, talk about non-personal stuff.
Like a college, the student, not the parent is going. I get it though - you’re visiting campus regularly and it’s hard to have the gates shut on you. But for a while at least, that’s what needs to happen I think.
Good luck
Most of my kids have had several relationships lasting 2+ years, my 22 year old has been dating her boyfriend for 4+ years, my 27 year old just broke up with her bf of 8 years, my 25 year old just introduced us to his gf’s (2+ years) parents (and then I find out from my sister that my son doesn’t think she’s the one). I make it a point not to get involved. SO’s have overnighted here frequently, come on vacation, but until it’s official (and hopefully that will be at 30 the earliest), it’s casual for me. My niece just broke up with her boyfriend, my sister is still texting him and trying to get together with his mom. Awkward. In HS I’d meet the parents at prom pictures. My parents and H’s parents were formally introduced after we were engaged after 5 years, we graduated HS together, lived here all of our lives, our families went to the same church, but no one felt a need to meet until it was official.
Families and couples do things differently. It is natural for some families to get close to “the other side” before a relationship is “permanent” and it is natural for some families to not meet until an engagement or something more permanent. Neither is right or wrong.
For OP’s family it seems the couple encouraged the families to have a relationship. So while the couple is the primary player here (and uncoupling), the families are affected to. That doesn’t earn rights but it does involve feelings and emotions.
Regardless, a little time and space for EVERYONE might be in order. “Little” might mean a week or it might mean a month or more. Obviously it would be awkward to just ignore this breakup fact for the moms who maybe see each other daily at work. A simple conversation of “so sorry we are both dealing with, let’s keep our conversations at the work level” might be good to have right off the bat.
Please read and re-read the posts by @Youdon_tsay and @thumper1. I think both of them said the really important bits.
Let it and him go! This is your daughters life, not yours. No children, no marriage, let it go. Continue a cordial relationship at work with his mother, but no more for now. Support your daughter in her choice to break it off, and let it go. If ypu need to grieve and process, do it with a counselor. Do NOT reach out to him, not in a few months, not in a few years, not unless and until your daughter returns to him, which she probably wont, ever.
Emmy- do you have a close friend or other confidante you can chew this out with? I think you need an outlet for your feelings which is NOT your D and is NOT the BF’s mom. Counseling may help as well.
Your feelings of sadness are legitimate of course. But you really run into a buzz saw when your D starts to internalize the message that you will fall apart if/when she disappoints you in any way, or that her choice of a long term partner needs to be factored into the entire family dynamic, brother’s former BFF, mom a co-worker, etc.
If you are this sad now- imagine what you would feel if she married him and then a few years from now they both decided “nope, we were too young, this isn’t going the distance”?
So find a neutral party to work this through with… you will move on, everyone will move on. But don’t let your own feelings of sadness cloud your judgement- it is really, really hurtful to your D to reach out to the BF; it is a huge betrayal of her for you to decide on your own that you are more worried about how he’s feeling than you are about your D’s decision to close the door.
In September you run into him while running errands? Great- a cordial “Hope all is well” and a little hug will be appropriate. And the mom? The same professional relationship you have with any colleague- the weather, the boss is crazy, why are budgets getting cut when revenue is at an all time high, who is going to the annual conference, why the summer party was such a blast (or a bust). Like any other colleague- which is what she is.
Hugs. This too shall pass-- and this is good practice for the next one!
My daughter will be starting nursing school in September, and she broke up with her boyfriend of four years a month ago. It’s been hard!
We loved him and welcomed him into our house and family. He lived with us during the pandemic, vacationed with us, etc.
We did think they might get married, but we would have treated him with open arms if they were “just” friends. Our kids all love to bring their friends home with them, invite them to travel with us, etc.
My daughter is definitely grieving the loss of her boyfriend (and best friend), and we all feel for her. I feel the loss for me, too, but I try to center my daughter. We follow her lead. When she wants to talk about it, we do. If she doesn’t, we don’t. She needs to be “no contact” with him right now, so we are supporting that, while giving her extra TLC. Maybe they’ll be able to be friends someday, but right now, we all need to let go.
Time is helping a lot, so I would say be patient. The new normal will establish itself, and you’ll be able to look back at happy memories.
As for your relationship with the boyfriend’s mom, I think that depends on the individuals and specific situation. The only time I’ve been able to keep that kind of friendship was when the two of us had a relationship separate from the kids. This was with the mom of a close friend of my other daughter. The girls’ friendship fell apart, but us moms are still good friends, six years later. She is an unusually accepting and flexible person, though!
Best wishes to you! I loved having what felt like another kid in the family. It was really special, and it’s a real loss. But I’m happy for what we got to have, and for my daughter who learned and grew so much. It’s okay that it wasn’t meant to be permanent.
No kid relationship advice, but I do have some experience related to parents being/staying friends. My son had a BF in HS that did some pretty bad things (some “to” my son, but mostly just made bad life choices) and my son was pretty angry with him/they had no contact for years. I was friendly with the mom, but for quite some time we really didn’t talk much about our kids. We never actually discussed not talking about them, it just worked out. But, now it’s a decade later and we talk about all kinds of things, including the kids. If you want to maintain that relationship with the mom, I think it can be done.
Just commiserating, this is tough. My son’s girlfriend broke up with him after 6 years together. She was very much a part of our family. She asked me to meet her for lunch and she told me she’d broken things off before he told me. He was really heartbroken over it. I had to let her go and focus on my son. Two years later he’s fine and he feels they probably should have broken it off sooner. He hasn’t dated anyone else seriously yet, but I’m hopeful for him.
Don’t let what happened with the kids impact your relationship with his mom. What if they got back together? Not saying it will happen, but it could.
If you need to say anything about it to her, do it once - as in "I am so sorry they aren’t together now. Your son is a peach, and we loved having him around. " Then, as counseled above, move your relationship with her forward on the basis of other things you share.
Support your D by listening. I think, given your feelings, you are in a no-win situation in dispensing advice. And remember, if it wasn’t meant to be, better now than after a marriage and kids…
My daughter broke up with a lovely guy after five years. Am I sad I won’t see him again? Part of me feels that’s a shame, but the bigger part of me feels that my daughter is totally in control of her love life and it is her choice.
It was over a year ago and she has no regrets, and I still think it would be nice to see him. But oh well, I can’t and that’s that. She made the right choice for her, and that overrules anything I might feel about it.
We need to not involve ourselves in our kids’ love lives. (I’m not talking about situations of abuse or similar.)
Tough love time, but to be
perhaps speaks to a larger issue on your part.
They weren’t perfect for each other. Your daughter did the right thing for her and for the former boyfriend because he deserves to be with someone who can love him. Have you considered that maybe the daughter would have ended things sooner if it weren’t for your families being involved with each other?
Tell the mom you’re sorry about the news and that he is a great kid. Then let it go and see how things play out.
Can I say gently that next time, perhaps don’t get so involved with the other person’s family if it means you’ll take it this hard again if things don’t work out.
I would at least try to deal with that awkwardness. Given how close the families have grown, you can share that you feel terrible about this happening because you genuinely do care for her son. After that “they” are the “injured” party, so they will control how they choose to react, what distance they wish to maintain - or if they can compartmentalize the parents’ connection vis-a-vis the breakup of the “kids”.
Seems like an atypical situation because BF and son were best friends, which may have brought the families together prior to the dating relationship.
Are the guys still friends? If so, this must be hard on your son as well.
I agree with those that say to express your sadness and how great a kid BF is to co-worker and see how it goes. Hopefully, she won’t hold this against you (but she might). You may well lose the family as friends, as the ex BF may need no-contact for now at least.
Reaching out to the ex is tough to decide. Your DD may not want you to, and he may not want to hear from you. OTOH, simply wishing him well may be acceptable.
I think trying to give everyone some time to sort things out is likely safest. Try to treat co-worker professionally and do not discuss your kids. I’m sure it will be very awkward for your poor S. Time can be an amazing balm. Wishing the best for all of you in moving forward.
While we don’t know the nature of the mom/mom work situation…are they in the same building but never see each other or are they face to face daily…I don’t know how anyone thinks you can see each other and NOT - just once - acknowledge the breakup! I would need to have that acknowledgement SO I could move ahead with the job relationship.