<p>Wow, so many responses that I couldn’t read all of them. I think NYC is astonishing and overwhelming - I have a son who lives there, college is mind-boggling with freedom and choices, so i agree with bringing this student home now if you can get her to agree - otherwise the funding has to be cut off. I would definitely put her into some college program close by because she will otherwise be hanging with the kids you don’t want her hanging with at home, or leaving home to seek another lifestyle and independence. You may not be able to control this but I always thinl of these interventions as placeholders for my children - holding their place in life and society until they are ready to pick up the trail. I know many will disagree with this advice but our kids have been so coddled in this generation…they are really in need of some time and maturity - a true reality check but not one without some compassion and support. Of course you have been burnt but bringing your daughter back to your home, some reality, a touchstone…hopefully that will help her. I wish you luck - this is such a difficult age and often there is no logic behind any of the decisions made.</p>
<p>Also, is she in a major? There is often a person at the school who deals with kids with problems- flunking out, academic probation etc and that person has seen it all. They know kids dont want to tell their parents the complete truth and they can often give excellent advice based on their experience. Often they are assigned to each major dept, but you could ask academic advising.</p>
<p>That person may be able to help advise your DD and sign her up for a term off campus so that she can get her act together and fine successfully.</p>
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<p>I agree with this, especially as it applies to middle and upper middle class families.</p>
<p>I can’t imagine moving forward without a heart-to-heart with the daughter and clearing the air on both sides. If a counselor can be helpful in the process, then do that.
The relationship needs to be rebuilt, and although the daughter has been immature and disrespectful, she may not grasp the seriousness of her behavior. A lot depends on the dynamics of the ongoing relationship between her and the parents. Setting this right might be where a good family therapist could help.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to you OP and I’ve thought about this for several days wondering what I would do. It sounds like your daughter fell victim to peer pressure and I certainly wouldn’t let this mistake define her or her life. But, she made a mistake and needs certain consequences. I would tell her that it is obvious she isn’t ready to be independent in New York. I would not pay for schooling or co-sign loans. I would reconsider restarting tuition payments next semester or year after she pays back the 3K and demonstrates maturity. Maturity would be getting a job in order to pay you back and engaging in age-appropriate activities that does not include over 21 night clubs and “bottle service (I didn’t know that term either).” Since your worried about her “bolting” from NH, she has a choice to live where she wants. But, the sooner she pays back the 3K, the sooner you will consider helping with tuition again.</p>
<p>Of course, what is age appropriate is open to interpertation. I’m fully aware that college kids drink. But the whole night club scene and “bottle service” for an 18 y.o is creepy to me.</p>
<p>S1 went off to a good university about 15 ys ago at 17 with steller grades and scores. Perhaps we were too naive then to think that exposure to alcohol and partying would not be a diversion for him. Wrong. Our son went “crazy”! (Read partying) First semester grades went from eh to worse. Second semester, academic probation. Helicoptering was not so in vogue so we tried to let him work it out on his own. At the end of spring semester we went to pick up him up. My husband informed him he would not be returning because he lost his scholarship and his aid (our money). We brought him home, gave him the application for our local CC and said he could live at home, we would pay for CC, but follow our old house rules. That part didn’t sit well, so we suggested he get a job, look for an apartment and go to school part time. He stayed home until he saved enough for a deposit on an apartment with a buddy in a decent area and in a year or so, he had an AA degree and went back to the university on his own at 19; we paid tuition only, he got a job to pay rent with some friends. Long story short he graduated, has an advanced degree and a great job. I think you have to balance responsiblity making them earn things, but not setting them up in a lose/lose situation where they can’t be successful so they give up and do the party life style. I’d advise bring her home now before that lifestyle becomes too ingrained. Make her assume some responsibility. ie: a wakeup call. That was a horrible year, but I never considered just throwing him out on his own or simply ignoring it and let him stay him that enviornment.</p>
<p>Qwerty, I hope you are not a parent with kids…because if I were your kid and I were partying wildly and you thought counseling was “not necessary,” I would probably continue to spiral out of control because no one cared enough to step in and help me. From what the OP has said, there is a VERY good chance that her daughter has a problem, besides the fact that counseling is not just reserved for extreme conditions. Counseling may be sought out in smaller matters in addition to major matters, though this situation sounds like more of a major matter.</p>
<p>I know that as an undergraduate student still in the middle of earning a Psychology degree, that taking problems lightly only makes them worse; it is the same with mental and physical health. Look at it this way: if you cut your arm, wouldn’t you at least take measures such as putting neosporin on it to help heal it? Counseling is like anti-biotic cream for the mind.</p>
<p>Hugs.</p>
<p>OP I think your daughter is manipulative, and the lying is worrisome. There could be an alcohol problem, or just a smart, conniving mind: Lying about the jobs, lying about living with Pace students who were really not students. Learning so quickly how to play the NYC club scene, getting in free and getting meals. Was she paying for bottle service? Or getting her drinks free while others paid for the bottles? And she is 18/19? </p>
<p>I agree with those who think you should not let her return to NYC. She will certainly party during the week instead of on the weekends. </p>
<p>Time to get counseling. It helps having a “mediator” as you xxplain what your intentions are in terms of not paying for her education or living in the city and your expectations for paying back for the expenses of the summer. </p>
<p>Time for tough love. Put your foot down, and quickly, before she gets out of control.</p>
<p>Straight talk/advice here.</p>
<p>Your daughter absolutely needs a substance abuse evaluation and is probably in need of some long-term counseling. There are too many red flags here to forgo an evaluation or to accept a “trust me, it’s behind me now” excuse.</p>
<p>Whatever you do, do not accept the advice that “all young people drink” or similar platitudes designed to make you feel better because that minimizes the potential problem. We’re talking about someone who is engaging in risky behavior, is lying to get what she wants, and who is apparently staying out late and sleeping past noon regularly.</p>
<p>This is not going to be easy, and the likelihood is that there will be conflict, anger, and all sorts of emotion. You need to be prepared to deal with that.</p>
<p>I wish you the best and hope that you are able to meet the issues and resolve them in a way that will help your daughter get through this.</p>
<p>“Qwerty, I hope you are not a parent with kids…because if I were your kid and I were partying wildly and you thought counseling was “not necessary,” I would probably continue to spiral out of control because no one cared enough to step in and help me.”</p>
<p>Yes, not a parent. Saying counseling isn’t necessary doesn’t mean that they should just ignore her, it means they should talk using to her directly, and not through a psychiatrist.</p>
<p>Not a surprise that you are not a parent. After reading your post again, it is quite insensitive and shallow. Basically, you said, it is quite natural for her to take the chance and lie to get into this really bad situation and possibly throwing her opportunity for college education away and travel down a very dangerous path. Only thing we need to do is just talk to her and tell her not to do it again and possibly everything will be ok? You maybe right but I think you do not have a full grasp of the situation or maybe you have not carefully read or understand the part about the nightclub problem and the lie that she used to perpetuate this other life style. This is way beyond a simple partying in college if you haven’t noticed.</p>
<p>It is not common for something like this to happen. Most good students adjust perfectly fine when entering college, how can this make perfect sense for her to do? No one here is talking about her having mental problem or that she needs a psychiatrist. We are talking about counseling or an expert that has a better grasp for this kind of problem than a parent who may not have enough experience to properly attack to problem.</p>
<p>Wow, sounds like there are a lot of issues here! My heart goes out to OP & her H. If I were in their shoes, I’d get myself & H to a counselor who helps folks families with young adults pronto! </p>
<p>It’s difficult for any of us who don’t understand the dynamics involved to know the best way to proceed and there is a lot at stake here for everyone. Would do my best (& have the counselor help) to figure out how to get the D to join in counseling.</p>
<p>Big cities like NYC (& LA where my kids go to school) definitely do have predators and folks who take advantage of young folks, especially vulnerable pretty young women. This is a very bright young woman with a lot of promise, but she definitely sounds like she needs a LOT more guidance than one can give at such a distance–NH to NYC.</p>
<p>As a practical matter, IF the D is to continue to go to college, would also buy Tuition insurance from Dewars (or similar), just as a precaution. </p>
<p>There sure is a lot of advice and ideas floating through this growing thread. Best of luck to OP & family as they move forward. We’re all behind you!</p>
<p>Qwerty, I will tell you a story that may surprise you. I used to HATE the thought of psychiatrists; thought they did absolutely no good. My parents went to one to try to work through their marital issues and they ended up getting divorced anyways. But guess what? I am a Psychology major now, and realize that professional counseling is a very good thing. Just sitting your kid down and having a talk with them sounds like a lecture, blah blah blah, yeah, okay mom, blah blah blah. But bringing in someone else to talk to outside the situation, it often helps a lot. Think about it: don’t you talk to your friends about things going on in your family? Similar idea with a psychologist. Talking with another person helps, and a professional can help you find the answers; they are not trained to give you the answers, or to prod you in any specific direction toward a solution, but they will help you help yourself find the solution.</p>
<p>XU you are anything but “insensitive and shallow”-- in fact you are very thoughtful and articulate. Of course parents and children need to talk directly, but a sensitive third party can help challenge assumptions and defuse a painful situation.</p>
<p>I would not pay another penny and get her home. However, I would make sure she had counseling. All that partying and she was willing to live in a one-room pigsty in order to do it? Not being a counselor, I believe that there is more than just partying going on here. Go to an Al-Anon meeting and see what they have to say. Get her some help.</p>
<p>Gwen, I believe ttparent was referring to Qwerty, but thanks, I appreciate what you said about me being thoughtful and articulate. Probably because I spent most of my elementary and middle school years hanging out with parents rather than peers.</p>
<p>Gwen, “insensitive and shallow” was directed towards Qwerty and his/her previous posts not XU,</p>
<p>Oh dear, I was reading so quickly and jumped right in… and I AM a parent! I’m sorry! Standing by what I said about XU though!</p>
<p>Also want to commend XU’s thoughtful posts.
What did the daughter want to study at Pace? Is there a way she can get some sort of work related to her interests, get her passionate about pursuing something more than partying?</p>
<p>We had a really good talk with my daughter and have a plan for this semester which everyone can live with and my daughter does not want to jump off a bridge. She will be in a situation which is more structured and seh has a better chance to succeed.
I am really surprised by all the respose and really appreciate everyones thoughts it ihas helped us think throught the situation.</p>
<p>Thanks.</p>
<p>We are not forcing her out of school, but we are having more structure for her at school and keeping her busy with work and studies. She is remorseful about not taking care of her responsiblities this summer. I want her to succeed at school, not be a failure and be in disgrace with our family. I think she would not be able to rebound from that. She is a smart and productive girl when she focuses. I believe in her and she will get back on track this year.</p>
<p>Thanks for everyones input, it has been eye opening, I guess you have to remember life is not so black and white. Young people make mistakes, and have to learn and grow.</p>
<p>Thanks!</p>