I have been where you are. I guess I’ll start out by repeating some of the best advice that my parents gave me when my youngest son put me in this position last year: the best thing you can do for your child is to give them the freedom to fail.
My son finished his freshman year on probation. And this was after a less than stellar high school career. Emotionally, I was furious that he got himself into this a second time, after he was almost asked to leave his private high school (he bounced back and managed to graduate), concerned about how he was going to enter adulthood/find a good career, and even hopeful that he might turn it around. But mostly furious.
I was debating whether or not to send him back. He wanted to go back, and in fact he seemed to come clean at the end of second semester freshman year that he needed to work more, etc. But I wasn’t sure, and it seemed like ‘tough love’ would suggest he just come back home (he had less than a 2.0). But I talked it over with my parents, and they said that he knew what he needed to do, and that he’ll either turn it around or not.
So I sent him back, and initial reports were encouraging. But halfway through, in the middle of the night (he struggles with insomnia) I got a text that said he was doing poorly, and would it be a good idea to take a semester off, get his sleep under control, grow up and then go back. And of course I said that it was the best idea. He ended up not finishing out the semester very well–his GPA dropped even lower–and if he hadn’t decided to take time off, the school would have made him.
So I’m glad I sent him back. It wasn’t my decision at all that he’s not there, and even if it wasn’t his decision, it would have been the school’s decision to suspend him for a semester. I got to be the supportive parent.
He’s home now, working hard at two jobs, enjoying them, and doing well at them. But he constantly talks about going back next fall, which I don’t know is a good idea.
‘Tough love’ is letting natural consequences take their course, not necessarily stepping in to avoid a calamity with your own consequences. And remember that for these young adults, they are young enough where life provides them with second and even third chances. But of course, there also the issue of money. So it’s not so simple.
So at least I didn’t have to be the cause of his leaving school, as it was ultimately his decision (and also the school’s). Do you have any idea if she is doing better? In some ways, and I know this sound terrifying, but it might even be better if the school suspends her. She gets a reality check, you don’t have to pay, and it’s not your ‘fault’ in her eyes that she is home.
If she is still in a ‘gray area’, where she is not doing great but not poorly enough to get suspended, I think that it is a much more difficult decision. You could let her continue, and maybe she would get her degree, but then again, she will have to deal with the consequences. She might not be able to go to graduate school.
I know a few students who screwed up in college, had a sub 3.0 GPA upon graduation, and then took classes at their local university, etc. to try to bring up their GPA so they could apply to graduate school. These students have been very motivated and do very well. But you wouldn’t have to pay for those extra classes. And it would be the natural consequence of her not doing well.
I do feel for you. I’ve been in your position for quite some time now if you include the high school problems. You know your child best and her strengths and weaknesses. I know my child would excel in the workplace, and he has, mostly because he is bright and does best working with other people. Staying up late to do a power point presentation that only matters for him and his psychology grade is not motivation. So he doesn’t do it. But, a month ago he volunteered to improve this power point for his supervisor and took it home and stayed up late to complete it. They were really impressed. It’s frustrating, but that’s how he works.