Could someone be too immature for college?

Parents Forum
1

<p>My 18 yr old went off to college. Things happened. She couldn't handle it. She came home and withdrew. The details are not so important here I don't think. She didn't go through anything I didn't go through and I was 17 when I went to college. We let her come home (huge regret of mine). 24 hrs later, I realized I was way off in letting her come home, but it was too late to send her back as she already withdrew.</p>

<p>She was a great student in high school. But, some people are saying now she was not mature enough for college anyway. She is sitting around claiming she needs to find her passion so she can major in her passion. She has a serious boyfriend and only wants to go to his college, even though we cannot afford it. She got in there and got scholarships, but it was still above our EFC, by a lot, so we could not afford it. Basically, the school expected us to take out $20K in parent loans on top of paying the EFC. No way. Especially when she got better scholarships elsewhere as well as got in to the state flagship.</p>

<p>One of her issues that led her to leave the small LACs was that she got invited to a party, and people are drinking at the party and someone was even smoking cigarette. She was assigned a rotten roommate, but that got switched. Now that she is at home, we required that she call her summer job back and work. But they called her last night to work and she said no because she was planning to video chat with her boyfriend in the evening. She got a 5 on the AP Chem exam, but insisted all year she does not like chemistry so she would never major in it. Fine. After the AP test results came back, I suggested it to her again and she said no way. Now her boyfriend is back in college for the fall, and he is a chem major, and she suddenly tries to tell me it is her passion and always has been. So she wants to follow him to his college and major in the same thing as him.</p>

<p>We did get her set up to start counseling. I know she is a good student, but I am now thinking that I underestimated how immature she might be. Is it possible that someone can be very ready academically for college, but no where near capable emotionally? </p>

<p>Any advice? And as to which college she takes up with next, we did tell her we cannot pay for her to follow her boyfriend but she is welcome to try to raise the money herself through scholarships, grandparents, student loans, etc. She did apply for financial aid at that school, and all of them, but most schools just did not "meet need."</p>

<p>Please do not be harsh on me. I have already been having a horrible time. And for those of you who already know the whole story, I only omitted the many details to not get lost in all the details. Thanks.</p>

<p>Her stats : top 10%, 2100 SAT, 216 PSAT, 5 honor societies, lots of community service, city and varsity orchestras.</p>

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<p>I do think some kids are too immature for college and need to take a gap year or take classes at their CC before going off to school. There’s nothing wrong with that. This may be true of your daughter, but I really think this is all about the boyfriend. She doesn’t want to be separated from him and is angry that she couldn’t go to his college, so she is throwing away what she did have. All I can say is: it will pass. </p>

<p>The relationship won’t last, because at this age, they seldom do. Then she’ll have to figure out what she wants without the boyfriend in the equation.</p>

3

<p>I know several kids who were too immature to do college at 17 or 18. My niece, very bright girl, attempted college at 18, had no idea what she really wanted to do. Partied too much and dropped out. She went back at 25 (after she was married), made Dean’s list every year and has a great career now. Many kids just need a year or two to decide what they want to do with their lives (not what their parents want). </p>

<p>Perhaps after a year or so of working, your D will figure out what she really wants. </p>

4

<p>Yes, many many kids are too immature for college. Perhaps find a community college she can go to that transfers to the boyfriend’s college, and have her go there for two years.</p>

<p>I assume you mean “funny cigarettes”. That happens at many if not most colleges. It is true some people live sheltered lives and did not deal with smoking and drug use in high school at all.</p>

<p>It is not your responsibility for you to pay thousands of dollars extra so she can go to school with her boyfriend.</p>

<p>Another option would be to find a job near the boyfriend - are they so serious that she would move in with him? Does he feel serious about her too?</p>

<p>The one alarming thing is turning down work to video chat with him. Is he <em>that</em> busy at school that he can’t change the time for video chatting with her?</p>

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<p>He is in the honors program. And he has been making straight A’s. She had been admitted to the honors program too, but we could not afford it. That is why she was going to the other school with more financial aid and scholarships. I suspect he is taking school seriously and would not have been upset if she just told him she had to go to work so they would have to postpone their chat until the next day. But she is bending over backward and being rigid about everything. I almost forgot to mention…it was not a “funny cigarette.” It was a regular one. And the party was at an upperclassman dorm, and she flipped about it. I, personally, went to a large state university which had a very active Greek life. The campus she was at was so sedate. Also, prior to the school year starting and her really missing him, she claimed to hate the school he was at.</p>

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<p>I am also bothered by her insistence that she must major in the perfect major. I feel like she just needs to get her degree and if she does not have a passion now, she probably won’t have one so she should just pick something she likes just fine and go with it. I suggested she stay with a BA so she can have plenty of electives. She has taken enough and done enough that I do not think a “passion” will hit her. And sitting at home, video chatting for an hour a day with her boyfriend is not going get a passion to find her. I was disturbed that she suddenly took a love for chemistry when she already did so well in AP chem and had been adamant that she hated chemistry.</p>

7

<p>I think she needs to get a job immediately. Perhaps working for a year will help her get her ideas together. If she doesn’t take any college courses this year, she will be applying as a first year freshman for 2015 fall. </p>

<p>The thing she needs to learn in the meantime…many college freshmen do not know their majors. Many schools do not have students even declare a major until the start of their junior year. And many students who choose majors earlier actually change them…sometimes multiple times</p>

<p>I would suggest you look at smaller schools with a good core course requirement across disciplines. These core courses force students to take courses in many different disciplines. Amazingly, some find a great course of study that they might not have otherwise discovered!</p>

<p>Another option would be the community college route for two years, with transfer to a four year school with an articulation agreement with that community college. Again, your daughter could take a variety of courses, and it would not be particularly costly. </p>

<p>But for the 2014-2015 school year…I would suggest finding a job…ANY job. It will give her some work experience, and will make her appreciate the value of a college education.</p>

<p>And next year, regardless of her choice…I would insist that she complete the semester with passing grades at whatever school…or I wouldn’t pay a dime the following term at any school.</p>

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<p>LMK, hugs. I recall how much drama you guys have gone through to get to this point-- so all I can say is that for sure you are earning your parenting badges!</p>

<p>Yes, sometimes kids are too immature to go to college.</p>

<p>You’ve let her come home (bravo) and you’ve insisted she go back to her job (also bravo). Now all you can do is to sit back and wait for the light to come on. If she doesn’t like the financial limitations she’s stuck with, she can apply to ROTC, or enlist and wait for her GI benefits to kick in (I’m kidding). She will get bored being home and not being in college soon- and that’s when her very fine and analytical mind will start to get out of the “I want to be with my boyfriend” mode, and start to realize that she needs to get moving with a life plan.</p>

<p>She is not the first teenager to torpedo herself. Fortunately, it is VERY early in the game- presumably by withdrawing early, you got most of your money back, she hasn’t tanked a semester with a bunch of D’s or F’s and an incomplete.</p>

<p>Time for her to regroup. One tiny suggestion- since I seem to recall that she’s got some champagne tastes on a bottled water budget and you guys have felt some resentment towards that- it is quite legitimate for you to ask her to take on some of her expenses (maybe cell phone, and $50/week towards food, laundry, etc.) since she isn’t paying rent. And if she’s not pitching in with household chores (making dinner two nights a week? grocery shopping?) it’s time to add that to her schedule.</p>

<p>We are always happy when our kids have needed to camp out here temporarily, but have made sure that after the vacuuming and the household chores, they’ve come to realize that living as an adult in their childhood home isn’t going to be having popsicles every afternoon and having Dad take them to the movies when they get bored.</p>

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<p>If it were my kid (and you, of course, may not feel the same way) I would not be paying for a degree unless my child had a definite idea of what they wanted to study. Unless a kid has a definite direction, they can end up taking more than four years to graduate by switching majors several times. I would call a “cooling off period” and wait a few months and see if her passion for chemistry remains before letting her re-enrol. </p>

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<p>@blossom‌ the really dumb part on my behalf is, I knew she was going to do this. I told myself a few weeks ago that she would flip out and not want to stay and that I needed to stay strong. Fact is, she was ruthless to us last year. She always demanded of us, was completely unreasonable, and was mean. I was looking forward to her leaving. And then when she wanted to come home. I caved. She just kept crying and crying and saying she did not fit in there, she was not like anyone there, THEY were all terrible. I actually tried to find someone working there when she started melting down…student services or an RA. but I could not find anyone. She got everything moved back out of her dorm and as we were driving out of town, someone from student life called us and asked us to come back so he could talk to her. My husband was so angry at everything at the time and said no. </p>

<p>I really regret letting her leave. I have hardly slept or been able to eat since it all happened. I think that school really was the best choice for her. My husband was hardly involved at all during the entire college search and application thing. But in the end, he was upset she was not going to a big name school. She was going to a small LAC that no one even near the school seems to have heard of. She cannot get in to a top school and at this point, the only place she wants to be is the school her boyfriend is at-a school she rejected last year. (we did not have the money based on the financial aid package, but they had multiple chances throughout the year to compete for more scholarships and she refused to, stating she hated that school and would never go there).</p>

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<p>If I knew my kid was a bit immature, I wouldn’t have allowed her to make the decision to quit so early on. I would have been the adult to encourage her to stay a bit longer (like a semester) before coming home or transfer. Now that she is home, I would insist on her getting a job and start paying her way.</p>

12

<p>Yes some kids are too immature to be on their own and self directed during their late teens. A good friend kept her tippy top of the class D home and at community college for 2 years simply because my friend thought her D was too immature. People couldn’t understand why she would do that with such a ‘smart kid.’ The D transferred for junior and senior year and did exceedingly well in engineering. Kids rise to the challenges that are presented to them HOWEVER they get there at different paces that have absolutely nothing to do with their GPAs and test scores in high school. I agree she should either attend the local community college fulltime for at least a year and perhaps get a part-time job in the short term if it’s too late for the fall semester at the CC. The fact that she would turn down the job to “video chat” tells you she is not making mature decisions and putting her priorities in an adult order. </p>

<p>Not sure why you still mention the BF’s college, which you say was financially out of reach. If the answer was no then, why would it still be discussed. If you are paying no can be no and that should be the end of the discussion. </p>

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<p>I am sorry you are going through this. I know what you mean about how you feel. I had to help my son stay on track with a summer course, and I felt it was worse for me than him because he would get upset and yell when I was trying to get him back on track. I feel like I let him down, but he is old enough to be responsible for himself. </p>

<p>However, I must disagree about those who say “YOU MUST KNOW YOUR MAJOR”. I have multiple degrees, first BE, then a MS in another engineering discipline, and then another MS in bio and then finally a PhD in another science. I liked learning BE, but it was not practical to find a job in the field - even now it is hard to find a BE job. As my interests changed and the job opportunities changed, I changed.</p>

<p>CC or a job. Get rid of the night/on-call job if it “interferes with her boyfriend”, and find a day job. Or even consider having her do an unpaid internship or volunteer work (at least you won’t have to pay tuition for them). If she suddenly “loves chemistry”, there are lab tech jobs for people with HS degrees. Or look at a training program to be a lab tech.</p>

<p>Sitting around the house all day is not a good thing as you said. Good luck!</p>

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<p>I do not think you need to be beating yourself up. Your d is probably too immature for college, and your decision to bring her home may have saved a wasted semester as she pined for her bf and avoided coursework. You’ll never know for sure, but you made the best decision you could with the info available. That’s all any of us can do. </p>

<p>In the meantime, you’ve received good advice. Don’t make a decision about school right now. Think about whether it’s better to take full year off and apply as a freshman to 4 year school or to go 2 yr. cc and 2 yr somewhere else. Then make some demands of the kid in the short term. She needs a job. Give her some bills (her cell, her transportation, her clothes/entertainment/food outside the home) and some chores. Good luck. This too shall pass. </p>

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<p>WOW! What a horrible idea to let her come home without a plan. You yanked her out and told her to get a part time job? Did she not make any friends the first 2(?) weeks of college? She’s a 95 percentile student for Christ’s sake. Screw the stupid job, it sounds like you’re upper middle class, so you need to go get her enrolled in a regional commuter college that likely started classes this week. Tell her she can go to the boyfriend’s college in January if she gets a 15 credit 4.0 semester. $70,000 in loans and be a motivated STEM major at selective LAS(?) > unmotivated layabout at home loafing through community college courses</p>

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<p>CC will cause a 95 percentile student to regress. She’s likely smarter than the average instructor there.</p>

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<p>^^Too funny and not true. </p>

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<p>I took a few CC courses when underemployed. The instructors ranged quite a bit, and the two different CC’s were different as well.</p>

<p>There are CC’s which have automatic transfer agreements with top four-year colleges. And if she is bummed that a CC is too easy for her, that’s motivation to go somewhere else.</p>

<p>Also - did you run NPCs with her and did the aid package offered match the NPC for that school?</p>

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<p>Why do certain posters keep re-inventing themselves with new user names? Maize 2018, you sound surprisingly like beckstiles and linden - isn’t this behavior some kind of violation of the TOS?</p>

<p>And did you miss this comment from the OP? Maize, you either suffer from poor reading comprehension skills or you’re just cruel:</p>

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<p>We did run the NPC. But her PSAT score was a 216 and with National Merit, she would have gotten much more. It was a free app and was done before the NM cut offs came out. Their NPC was accurate.</p>