Once our kids make their college choice and begin I think we breath a sigh of relief. In your case it was a big sigh of relief. This kid was set and done. You believed the journey would be a straight line. You could now turn your attention and your finances elsewhere.
And now, boom, out of nowhere your expectations were dashed. Not only that, but it now appears there are bigger problems. The worst part is that you have not had any opportunity to help as you didn’t know there was a problem. Anger is a normal response.
Your daughter without a doubt is embarrassed/upset/ashamed and did not want to tell you. Many kids at this age are so afraid of telling their parents that they screwed up. They do not want to disappoint you. They avoid telling you until there is no choice and their parents find out.
So you are angry and she is honestly upset that she has disappointed you. Believe me, her outward responses in no way mirror what she feels inside.
So take a deep breath. Let your anger and disappointment dissipate and then try to figure things out. This is your kid who needs your help in moving forward. You and she both want her to be successful.
Lots of good suggestions on this thread. Take what sounds good to you and move forward.
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had trouble with Executive Functioning…the part of the brain that plans.
Up until now, HS structure and parental support may have kept your daughter focused
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Executive Functioning Disorder is common to those with ADHD as well. It can run in families. it is rampant in H’s family. Part of what I was describing above is EFD related. My amateur position is that there isn’t a lot of contemplation and evaluating going on. There can be sort of a tunnel-vision focus that exclude “thinking outside the box” and exploring other options.
I have a niece that showed the same exact “symptoms” during freshman year. The child she got knocked up with by a deadbeat townie she met at college just had its 5th birthday.
It’s off-topic, and it’s not my business, and I’m definitely not trying to be hostile, but you know about your niece’s getting “knocked up” by a “deadbeat townie”, but your curiosity about her life seems to end at the places where you feel that she screwed up. You may find that some compassion about her situation and some interest in how her life is going at this point and how her child (who is related to you) is doing may add something wonderful to your life. I’m well aware that I’m lecturing and out of line, but your posts made me sad. These are people, and still young people to boot–as is the OP’s daughter, who may have a lot more going on than meets her angry parents’ eyes.
Not my side of the family. She failed out of a private college, lost her volleyball scholarship, raises an illegitimate child, no job, townie daddy is MIA. That’s what I know. Had a lot of promise and never partied in high school. I recall her open house, everyone was very excited. It can turn fast. I would not pay a cent for my daughter to shack up and fail courses.
If I had to guess, OP’s daughter will find the motivation to do decent in summer courses, to guilt trip parents into paying for another year (or three) of partying and hooking up.
I’m sure that she STILL has promise–it can be measured in many ways, and sometimes it takes a long time to really blossom. I wish her, her child, and the OP’s daughter all the best.
Perhaps, or, as Fitzgerald wrote, “There are no second acts in American lives.” Maybe my niece’s lies and careless decisions sealed her fate. I’d argue losing a full ride scholarship alone (which carries the value of a full mortgage) is one of the most catastrophic unforced errors in life.
Not to diss Fitzgerald (whom I love), but I’m 54, and if there were no second acts in life I might as well have buried myself 30 years ago. If everyone followed the same prescribed, American-stamp-of-approval path in life, what a very dull and ugly world we’d have. College doesn’t necessarily define one’s worth or potential in life. Thank God.
I’m a huge proponent of Love and Logic and I think the approach can work in this situation. Sit down with your daughter and ask her where she wants to go from here. Was this about a semester of bad decisions? Is she having a difficult time academically? Is there a medical/emotional/assault component that has changed her behavior? How does she plan on addressing this financial issue?
Put the ball in her court and see what she thinks.
