Daughter may not be ready for college? Wellesley

Parents Forum
1

My daughter is headed for Wellesley College in the fall. She was very indecisive about choosing a college so we visited during their Open Campus day and she seemed to like it.

However, ever since then she has seemed regretful about her decision, constantly worrying that she won’t like the social life and that the academics will be overwhelming. It is true she gets easily flustered and Wellesley is an intense place. In addition to normal pre-college nerves, she has been facing issues with depression and major anxiety which have started to hinder her from doing the things she needs/wants to be doing. She has been in therapy but still has a way to go. She easily doubts herself and her abilities. I fear she may not be mature enough quite yet to go off to college a plane ride from home on her own.

Should she take a gap year and reapply to colleges? Maybe get a job or volunteer to gain confidence. My concern with this is that she doesn’t have many friends right now so this may lead to her feeling even more lonely than she already is. I tell her to try Wellesley out and that transferring is always an option but she is still often on edge and frankly seems very unhappy. I just want what’s best for her.

Thanks.

2

Can she defer her enrollment at Wellesley for a year? It sounds like she has other issues to reconcile before she leaves for college.

3

Can you both have a session with a therapist to hash out a plan?

4

Maybe a psychiatrist can prescribe anti anxiety drugs. And, keep communication CHannels

Open. If she goes in the fall make sure to get her set up with a therapist on campus or nearby. Many kids are anxious and depressed these days. Good luck. This is difficult.

5

Hi there! As a student at Rice University, I can assure you that I also felt incredibly nervous and anxious before starting my first year. I was so worried the academics would be too much for me, and felt scared at the thought of creating a new social life (I had the same group of friends my whole life). But when I began, we had orientation and the students there did such a fantastic job helping us integrate into the community and making us feel like we were right at home! I grew to love my college just within the first week. I met amazing students, and the academics have been challenging but rewarding! While I’ve never dealt with depression, I really recommend she give her first year a shot! She may be nervous now but she may end up really liking it once she starts! It’s easy to think of all sorts of bad things before you start. To build up her confidence, maybe she could read up on how prestigious her university is? Wellesley is really a fantastic college and very selective. I did that a lot before going to college to overcome my doubts and sense of academic inferiority. Also she can figure out seeing a therapist and interacting with the wellness/health center on campus, I’m sure there’ll be one. I personally never liked the idea of a gap year because I feel if I ever take time off, it’ll be really hard for me to get back into the school momentum. That being said, you know her better as her mother, and if you feel she really will be better off taking some time off, allow her to do so to gain confidence/happiness. Best of luck, and congrats to your daughter with her accomplishments!

6

“Many kids are anxious and depressed these days.”

Very, very true (as if the rest of post #3).

7

I think it is worthwhile to have a conversation with the therapist. It is possible that some of her anxiety relates directly to attending college, and that just getting there will address a fair bit of the problem, but that’s a risky thing to suppose without professional input. If she’s been struggling with this some time, it is likely that there is more than simply pre-college jitters to work through. It may also be helpful to reach out to Wellesley to get more information about the resources that will be available to her when she is there. This sounds like a very difficult decision; her health is most important. Also, I would guess under these circumstances that Wellesley would let her defer (if she’s happy with that option and doesn’t want to reapply.)

8

I agree with a deferral if possible and a gap year if not. It is my opinion, just from the research that D and myself did before she applied to Wellesley, and from these forums, that W might not be the best school for someone who suffers from anxiety and has difficulty finding her social niche. And before anyone becomes offended, this is describing my D, not anyone elses.

9

I do not think she should reapply all over again. Taking a year off and not doing anything noteworthy will not help her in admissions and she will be anxious and stressed out again. Wellesley is a fantastic school. Having doubts about the things your daughter is worried about is totally normal. All kids have doubts, but some keep it to themselves.

My D’s friend, who sounds similar to your D, deferred admission for a year and it was the right thing for her. I do think she got bored, because all of her other friends were away at college, but she did get to see various friends when they cam home for breaks or the odd weekend. This girl went away for a month to do a course related to her intended major, as well as having a job. She will be ready to go this fall.

I don’t necessarily think though that deferring for a year is the right thing in your daughter’s case. Some kids just have to get through the disruption and adjustment of going to college. I would talk with the therapist to ensure that she is not just having the usual doubts about going away to college. In fact, it could be exactly what she needs to boost her confidence and morale. The upsides are discovering maturity and independence away from home, and having the opportunity to make a fresh start. Kids discover a lot about themselves when they are out of their comfort zone.

My own daughter had a very rough start to college last year. Many people say it takes until around Thanksgiving to feel settled, and I would agree with that. It was very hard and very stressful for us and our daughter, knowing she was unhappy, but to be honest, it was something she just had to get through. It could be the same for your daughter, but you, your daughter and the therapist will have to decide that. I would be concerned though that she runs the risk of never feeling ready, or being satisfied with her choice.

10

I think a deferral could be a life-changing mistake. I don’t know you or her, so you can take that with whatever grain of salt you like.

Many high school seniors and recent high school grads are feeling extremely apprehensive. I know a few who did take Xanax the last few days at home! Tell your daughter it is normal to be a “mess” and that she can expect some unhappiness the first months. Often after the holiday/winter vacation, kids settle in.

The work will probably not be as overwhelming as expected. I know Wellesley is rigorous. Socially it will be better to start with other freshmen who have just graduated from high school. There will be orientation activities to help.

If she has had clinical depression and/or anxiety that is not related to this transition (or even if it is related) it might be wise to document her diagnosis and submit the documentation to the Office of Disabilities for accommodations, which could mean anything from a single room (unless socially a double or suite would be better), excused absences for appts., extra time on assignments, or an exam in a room by herself.

You can also help her get set up with a counselor, coach/tutor or whatever extra support she needs.

Visit a lot if you can. You could stay in an airbnb the first week. You don’t need to see her much but she will know you are there. Like training wheels. These days Skype, FaceTime and texting help so much.

I know many many students with depression and anxiety. With support from the college and from home, almost all those I know personally have graduated from college and are having good lives.

I think it is much better to stay on the horse, so to speak.

It is a tough balance. We have to acknowledge their fears but also convey confidence in their ability to handle things. Good luck!

11

My D, who had never had issues with anxiety or with making friends, called me about one month into college. She was sad, depressed, nervous, etc. I told her to go to the counseling center and since she was still 17, they talked to me. She was told to go to the cafeteria every meal and find a person sitting alone. Her job was to go up, introduce herself and ask if she could join the person. The theory was that many other people were also feeling homesick, alone and nervous. She was given 6 sessions but discharged after 3. She made several friends and more acquaintances and that advice probably helped other kids as well. My D went on to love her college and become an RA.

It might help your D to realize that many freshmen are nervous and anxious about being away and all that college entails and that if she is open to approaching other people, she can get herself out of her shell. My D said that she initially scoffed at the advice given but when she thought back on it, it was point on because it put the focus on others - she was told to look for other kids who seemed lonely to help them and, incidentally, she helped herself.

12

@techmom99 , you have posted the best advice. @mother213, Imagine going to a new environment and not knowing anyone. Even the thought of this is anxiety producing for young adults and older adults. The high schoolers have been surrounded with familiarity for more than the last 4 years of school and a home to go to at the end of each day. Some kids are better at hiding their fears of a new place. Remind your daughter that she will be as much a fish out of water as the majority of her new classmates at college and she will need time to adjust to all that is new. My Son, who seems to make friends easily does so because he takes the time to walk up to people that look like a fellow “fish out of water” person and starts conversation. I do as well. I think that the OP’s Child should not take a gap year. She will miss out on learning to persevere. Unless her anxiety becomes overwhelmingly unhealthy.
With reference to @compmom : Exercise and yoga is better than a prescription medication like Xanax any day. Too many people have a crutch of medication without realizing that they might need to first find some one to talk with and exercise.

13

Thanks everyone. I think a lot of her stressing is about going to Wellesley specifically, especially after reading a lot about what current students have to say about the social life. Additionally, I think she is facing her own issues not necessarily related to going away to school, so we will see how her therapy goes.

14

Also, in terms of stress about the work, she can look online for syllabi of courses she’s thinking of taking to see how tough they may be and maybe get a head start in the summer.

15

@mother213 Here’s my story…
My older daughter, who was very anxious in the months prior to moving across the country for Freshman year (from the 415), expressed similar doubts about success at her specific school. She had been accepted because of some unique accomplishments and a hook, but was toward the bottom end of the admitted student profiles.

I was also concerned since in general, she doesn’t handle transitions well.
The solution we came up with was for me to fly out with her to get her settled in. I took vacation time and we flew into the area a few days ahead of check-in, so that she could get the feel for the location. We did some cold-weather shopping, sight-seeing and mother-daughter bonding.

When check-in came around she was so anxious that she was practically mute. In out hotel room the night before, she cried piteously for more than an hour, saying she made the wrong choice. Although it was certainly the unspoken elephant in the room, I did not verbalize the option of leaving. We went to check-in. Together we set up her room and met her randomly assigned roommate. I left her at the school, but rather than fly home to go back to work, went to visit some friends on the same coast, letting her know that I was easily available by phone. During the following couple of orientation days (fun and action-packed), there were several calls where through her copious tears, she told me about all the great things they were doing and how her roommate a really cool person and how great it was that she was meeting kids from all over.

After almost a week, I flew back home.
By then she was not entirely comfortable, but had made some friends and had begun her classes.
She realized that she was not as academically behind as she had believed, which allowed her to relax into the work.

By October, she was talking about her new friends - and their unique backgrounds - as if she had always known them. She was astounded by the change of seasons, and that first semester flew by. Home for winter break, she couldn’t wait to get back to school because she was excited about taking classes with a professor who she heard was inspirational. That class turned out to be pivotal, and she was inspired enough to re-focus her major and after graduation, went on to get a doctorate in the same subject.

Despite her genuine successes, she remains a person who is anxious around transitions. That hasn’t changed. Through therapy, she has developed a toolbox of coping strategies. But despite them and some maturity under her belt, it doesn’t mean that she’s become a person who doesn’t become unglued when anticipating new challenges, even when she knows that they’re coming up.

Good luck to you both.

16

I don’t know your daughter but I’m going to throw the contrary advice out there. Not deferring can also be a life changing mistake.

My daughter had anxiety and I sent her off anyway. In January I was back to pick her up at the school’s insistence. What this has done to her self esteem is impossible to quantify.

The truth is that it might be the best thing in the world for your daughter to just face her fears and head off using some of the really excellent advice above. But it might also be the best thing to defer admission for a year and take that year to live at home, work wherever she can get a job, de-stress from high school, and really work on her mental health issues. Unfortunately you can’t know for sure and all our anecdotal evidence of what worked for us or our kids or our friend’s kid shouldn’t sway you too far one way or the other.

Ultimately, in my case what I wish I had done differently is involved mental health professionals more in the decision making process and spent more time talking things over with my daughter, thinking outside the box and not rushing ahead pushing obstacles out of the way to follow plan a just because it was plan a.

I wish you all the best. My heart aches for you and all parents in this place. It isn’t an easy place to be.

17

Medication can have very positive benefits for some people with anxiety and/or depression. I don’t think it’s a good idea to stigmatize its use as a “crutch.” This is particularly true for people like the OP’s daughter, who has already been seeing a therapist. Often, therapists have a very good idea of when it might be appropriate to include medication in the overall treatment strategy, and often, they’re right.

18

OP, I know quite a few kids who are at academcially rigorous colleges, including my own. Without exception, everyone one of these kids is finding college to be “easier” than high school. It doesn’t mean they haven’t had extremely busy and stressful periods at college. They have so much more free time in mny ways, because they are only going to four classes instead of six or seven. They live on campus, of nearby, and they don’t have to do busy work. Thye find the best way to manage theri time. If Wellesley admitted her, it’s because they thought she could handle the work. You can assure her that she measures up academically.

19

I think all opinions are valid- it really depends. I think some mental health professionals may lean more toward deferral, even due to liability concerns. I think parent and daughter are the best ones to make the decision. What many of us are saying is that extreme anxiety is relatively normal and some have trouble with transitions more than others. But you also indicated a history of anxiety, which will presumably continue- but if she waits for it to be better to go to college, that may not come for awhile.

Two of us have suggested staying nearby for the first week. Another thing, though expensive, is visiting over the summer. I did that with my son, who has a hard time with transitions- we visited twice because it was only two hours away.

Screennamekiddo, I was not suggesting Xanax. I have a friend who gave it to her daughter the last two nights at home before going, and at the time, I disagreed privately and thought the daughter maybe should not go if she was anxious. That same daughter loved school, got her PhD and teaches. That was a long time ago, and years before any of mine went to college. In hindsight, I would say those two doses kept her on a track she might have left. Who knows. Similar to taking a medication on an airplane: taking a med a couple of times under stress can help. MD’s will prescribe 4 pills at a low dose.

However, my allusion to this incident was meant not to recommend meds but to show that others deal with extreme anxiety before leaving. I have never medicated my kids (!) and am actually a Tai Chi and QuiGong fanatic. If this daughter is willing to do Tai Chi, QuiGong, yoga or meditation those things might really help. Reiki is also a great tool and a person can get attuned in a one day workshop. EFT/tapping techniques work well, and I also think EMDR can teach people to feel safe and cozy.

The original post did not ask for help with treatment, and was geared to the question of whether to go or not, and I wanted to demonstrate that a kid I knew, many kids in fact, have gone on to enjoy and thrive in college despite initial anxiety. If one of those people used a dose of Xanax to get the kid on the plane, that wasn’t my method, but it did seem to salvage a situation that could have gotten out of control and needlessly detoured the daughter.

20

@Lindagaf: “OP, I know quite a few kids who are at academcially rigorous colleges, including my own. Without exception, everyone one of these kids is finding college to be “easier” than high school.”



Whether someone experiences that really depends on the academic rigor of their HS classes as well as what they take in college.

I doubt that few kids who enter a freshman engineering sequence at a top school or top engineering school would feel that way, for instance.