<p>Hi, everybody. My daughter was rejected from all of the Ivies that she applied to, and ended up with acceptances from Wellesley, UChicago, and Rice (along with a few safeties). She decided to send her deposit to Rice, since they gave her the most financial aid, and she wanted the warm weather; but really, she was apathetic and disappointed with all of them. </p>
<p>What should I do? I've tried talking to her, but she just sulks. She is clearly unhappy with her choices, and I'm worried that her bad attitude will carry over into how she acts at Rice-- a self-fulfilling prophesy of unhappiness, if you will. Have any of you other mothers out there had to deal with this? Do you have any advice?</p>
<p>My advice would be to tell her to buck up. </p>
<p>Acceptances from Wellesley, UChicago, and Rice is a pretty darn impressive outcome. It's kind of like sulking because you've only got a Mercedes, a Ferrari, and a BMW in the garage to choose from. I think my approach would probably be, "you've got to be kidding me."</p>
<p>For next year's parents: The solution to this problem starts a year or more in advance. Don't allow your kids to build a mindset where acceptances to three of the best colleges and universities in the country will be viewed as a disappointment. Banish the word "ivies" from you vocabulary. If individual schools in that football conference are a good fit, on their own merits, not because of their football conference, so be it.</p>
<p>AnnaliesesMum,
Something similar happened to a friend's D - the drive to the college was traumatic, but she came around to loving the school within about 6 weeks. </p>
<p>What is your D doing over the summer? If she is working, Rice is going to be looking pretty good come fall.</p>
<p>I suspect as she starts to receive mailings from Rice and gets more "into it", she will perk up. It really is pretty absurd that she is disappointed in those three acceptances. There are very qualified kids who got NO acceptances and are hoping to get off of waitlists! I know that doesn't make her feel any better, but it is hard to be too sympathetic. My D is a soph at Rice and chose it over a lot of other schools. She thinks it is the most awesome college possible. The two schools your daughter turned down are many people's dream schools. I think I would be tempted to tell her that you don't see any reason to incur the expense (outside of the financial aid) of sending her somewhere to be miserable, so she might as well stay home and go to the local community college.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Sometimes sulking and unhappiness is about other stuff; ie leaving home, leaving high school, pimples, boys. Heaps of seniors make themselves as obnoxious and worrisome as possible--as a way of making sure they hate you enough to leave you--and vica versa. </p></li>
<li><p>Remember when you dropped her off for pre-school and she wailed and looked pathetic? Then, as soon as you left, she jumped into all the fun activities with all the other kids?</p></li>
</ol>
<p>That's what will happen at Rice. </p>
<p>Could be a long summer though...::cyber hugs:::</p>
<p>This happens to a lot of students. I think the "apathy" is more of a reaction to the stress of anticipation, the build-up of expectations, and the abrupt halt to this entire process when the decision is finally made. I honestly think that it is more a function of this abrupt halt than a reaction to which college (although I understand that disappointment is also playing a part). The good news is that, for most students, even those who are not thrilled with their college choice, the school they ultimately attend (unless they are decidedly UNhappy with their selection) becomes "their" school. And Rice certainly is a good one to have to "settled for." In a few weeks the housing and welcome information will start to roll in; perhaps there is even a summer outing program/orientation session that your student can attend. This will help begin the "bonding" process with Rice. I know my daughter really likes her college choice, but was also in a state of "emptiness" just after the whole admission process culminated. This phase will pass, and soon you will be helping move stuff into the dorm room.</p>
<p>I can understand her grumps....I was rejected to the top grad schools I applied to and despite being accepted to solid programs it hurt a bit. Then like everything it passed. If you're set on Yale or Brown and they say "Take a hike" the admit letter from Rice is little solace.</p>
<p>Hey I like to sulk! Creates space and until everybody gets sick of it they treat me better.</p>
<p>If it's any consolation my son thought Rice was GREAT and has no desire to visit an Ivy. The residential sytem is a real plus. Does she know anybody there? Jenskate often posts here...maybe she would be willing to speak with your daughter.</p>
<p>interesteddad - your advice would be totally inappropriate - glad I'm not your daughter. Everyone needs time to grieve after their "dream" schools turned them down. Maybe it has something to with the "brand" name of the school and maybe it doesn't (doesn't matter anyway).</p>
<p>Amom - Don't worry this too shall pass. Just give your daughter time. This has been an extremely trying time for both the parents and the students (thank God it's over). Once school is out I think that a job would be good - why some people are suggesting nursing homes, etc. as a place to work puzzles me. Good luck & I'm sure that there are many many people in your situation so don't despair:)</p>
<p>She is clearly unhappy with her choices, and I'm worried that her bad attitude will carry over into how she acts at Rice-- a self-fulfilling prophesy of unhappiness, if you will.</p>
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<p>If your child is otherwise a mature and responsible young adult, she'll get over this and start having fun at Rice. I would only worry if she's had a lot of trouble bouncing back from disappointments in the past. This is probably the biggest one she's ever had, and it will take a little longer, but it requires the same coping skills as any other. To be blunt, I think that coping with this kind of outcome is a good litmus test for whether a student has the emotional maturity to handle leaving home. She's entitled to a few weeks of bitterness over the let-down before she bites the bullet and makes the best of it. If she's still feeling the same way in August, then you have a problem, but for now, just give her some more time.</p>
<p>mominsearch -
we're (or at least I) am suggesting work as a dose of reality, and a way of seeing what wonderful blessings she has. "There, but for the grace of God, go I."</p>
<p>Congratulations on your daughter's Rice acceptance. My daughter is also at Rice, and is loving it! I agree with the anticlimatic nature of the acceptances. All of a sudden there is no college mail in the mailbox, noone calling and begging you to attend the school, no scholarship awards.... just a decision and a feeling of let down. Give her space, suggest she get a job this summer, and steer her towards the O-week info on the Rice website. When she pulls into the parking lot at Rice, and a horde of sweaty upperclassmen come running and screaming up to the car shouting her name, (they will have memorized her name, your name, where she is from, her hobbies, what she wants to study, favorite foods... you name it), and they grab her stuff and take it up to her room, then whisk her away ---- it'll all be fine from there on out. (And if it isn't, she can always transfer..... although few do!). Like others said, there are many people who would LOVE to have this problem!</p>
<p>ohio_mom - I have no problem with your post I think that a job would definately help her take her mind off of her problems. What I don't like is telling a kid to "buck-up". Everyone needs time to grieve whether we think their grieving is for the right/wrong reason. The OP does not state that it was because her daughter only wanted to go to an Ivy for the name. Maybe she really wanted to go to the Ivy because of the program, etc. - A mom from Northeast OH</p>
<p>Wow! I never expected to get so much advice so quickly! Thank you everybody! </p>
<p>She usually is very good at bouncing back from disappointment... which was why I was so worried that her sulking has lasted about five weeks now! That's very out of character for her. I think that she really had her heart set on Yale, which is what's causing all her fuss, she says she couldn't see herself anywhere else. I bet at least some of the same sulking would have come from attending Harvard, or Princeton! Though likely not as much. </p>
<p>I've been hesitant to "force" (well, push strongly) her to work over the summer-- after all, her prime consideration in choosing between her 3 choices was how much we, her parents, would save over the four years. She knew we would do our best to pay for anywhere she got into, and the fact that she chose the cheapest (by several thousand per year) I found to be very considerate. I would feel bad telling her the she must work now-- this is a girl who has been saving most of her allowance and Christmas money since she was five so that she'd have spending money at college, no joke! Of course, because of this, she might decide to work anyway. She doesn't have anything planned for this summer. She says that she thinks the relaxation after so many years of hard work will be nice, but I can see her getting cabin fever. </p>
<p>I guess that there isn't much that I can do-- It's very hard for me to accept that!! I'm so used to being able to at least help with most of her problems-- I hate that I won't be able to do that anymore! Well, I guess that both she and I have things to get used to...</p>
<p>Thank you again, everybody, so much for your advice. I'll try to be back to tell you how things went. If anyone else has any advice, I would appreciate it a lot!</p>
<p>Rice is a very good school. As I have said elsewhere, my father (a former professor for 35 years at Stanford) has for years told me how good it is. So there are two possibilities here. First, she is just processing and will get over it as she knows more about it and as they start telling her how much they love her. Second and requiring some thought, maybe even though it is a great school it will be the wrong place for her. Did she go to Owl Days? From how you know your D, is it a good fit? When you both decided it should be on her list, why was that?</p>
<p>If you are sure it would be a good place for her, and it's just processing rejection (hard at any age, let's face it), then I would expect her to get over it. Every kid is different, but if this were my D I would have to leave her to sulk for a while, then I would have to sidle up and ask her if she wanted to go shopping for warm weather clothes and new sunglasses or if she wanted to watch Yao Ming in a basketball game or something. Then I would force her to sign up for the new students chat site or whatever they have like that and she would kick and scream and say no but do it any way. Then I would expect to go into her room in a few days and see her IMing away with someone new. Then we'd be OK.</p>
<p>Like I said, all kids are different. </p>
<p>If it's the wrong place for her. Hmm. Then I guess she goes and tranfers? Or thinks about the other places and changes? The question then is, if it's wrong why was it on her list???? Hoping that is not the case.</p>
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[quote]
interesteddad - your advice would be totally inappropriate - glad I'm not your daughter. Everyone needs time to grieve after their "dream" schools turned them down.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Sorry. It's been a month. I just don't buy into "grieving" when you've been accepted to three of the best schools in the country. </p>
<p>Normally, I tend to be pretty symphathetic. But, to be grieving about getting accepted to Wellesley, Chicago, and Rice is just plain spoiled in my book. I wouldn't buy into the grieving at all.</p>
<p>I like the community college suggestion. And, I like the homeless shelter volunteer suggestion. A couple of days of sulking? Fine. More than a month? Time for shock treatment. In this case, I see symphathy as reinforcing the unwarranted pouting.</p>
<p>The more important advice is for next year's parents. The time to prevent this scenario is a year ahead of time. For all but a very few students, it is totally unrealistic to "expect" an acceptance at several of the schools in the Ivy League football conference. A parent's job, IMO, is to communicate, from day one, how great it would be to attend any of a dozen, a hundred, or whatever number of schools. Fact of the matter is that Rice, Chicago, and Wellesley all have individual qualities that none of the schools in the Ivy League football conference offer. For example, Chicago has more emphasis on academic rigor. Both Wellesley and Rice are signficantly smaller and offer a more personalized educational experience. The time to point out the strong points of every school on a list is the year leading up to the application deadline. The operative phrase should not be "better than", but "different from".</p>
<p>I f she hates it she can transfer, she just needs to get good grades, stay involved and then she can try to get into her dream schools or another school if she is unhappy. There is a 99% chance she will love it but just having that option can make her feel better.</p>