<p>"Both of my kids tell me that many of the kids who are going wild in college and partying and drinking to excess were perfect angels in high school. Time will tell."</p>
<p>Mine are not perfect angels, I never said they were. What I did say is that they would never, ever sneak out, especially with their little brother. They wouldn't. Whatever else they are and do, they both love their brother dearly and wouldn't endanger him. That doesn't make me a "not my kid" person, but a "not this, my kid" person.</p>
<p>I don't understand how a parent could say their child would "never" do something. They are their own person, how could you possibly know what they would "never" do.</p>
<p>I think it's pointless to argue whether a parent "knows" their kid will never do something. The only thing that will change such a parents' mind is if they learn that their kids happened to do something that the parent never expected. Sometimes that happens. Sometimes it doesn't. </p>
<p>Meanwhile, how the parent thinks isn't harming us, and I wish we'd move on.</p>
<p>My kids wouldn't sneak out...they just wouldn't, they know the consequences would not be worth any "adventure" they might have, and they know, that just their luck, one of their daddy's friends would see them, or somethng bad would happen, so they wouldn't take the chance....</p>
<p>A mother who lives in our county was charged with four counts of contributing to the delinquency of a minor, one count of conspiracy and one count of giving a false report earlier this summer when she drove her middle-school aged daughter and some of her friends to vandalize the principal's house. The vandalism included toilet paper, eggs and spray paint. Vulgarities were sprayed on her house. In that case, I absolutely would have pressed charges. </p>
<p>Although I would not enjoy the cleanup of toilet paper from my trees and home, it's not something I would report. OTOH, if someone threw eggs at my home and/or car, I would first determine whether permanent damage had been done. If not, I would demand a full clean-up by the offenders and a heart-felt apology. If permanent damage was done, I would probably give the parents an opportunity to make it right money-wise before involving the authorities.</p>
<p>Sorry Northstarmom, not yet. I am entitled to respond.</p>
<p>There is a very specific and personal reason why my kids wouldn't sneak out. When something truly horrible happens in a family, I think, generally, the kids -- no matter how unruly -- will stay away from that particular thing. I will not speak to what else they might or might not do because I wouldn't know that.</p>
<p>I apologize for the tone of the past couple of posts, particularly to MomofWildChild. As you may have guessed, this hit on a life-altering personal situation, but my tone was unkind and inappropriate. I'm sorry.</p>
<p>In life, we don't get to pick and choose the consequences of our behavior and sometimes we are really surprised by the reaction/response we get. Well, unfortunately OP's D is getting a pretty harsh lesson in the unpredictable. That's life and hopefully she will really learn something from this and come away a more cautious person. </p>
<p>OP should be really glad that D is learning this lesson over something seemingly so small. It could have been a whole lot worse. I say, any time kids can learn a good lesson is good. Forget the lawyers, forget being p-o'd at the neighbor. Punish her for sneaking out and using poor judgement. Let her know you don't condone or tolerate vandalism and pranks, but especially sneaking out and caving to peer pressure. Let her know she has blown it big time when it comes to trust. In our house, earning back trust is about the hardest thing our kids have ever had to do when they have messed up. I totally disagree with the "kids will be kids" and "they all do it" attitude. You don't have to believe that and you don't need to condone it. You need to make sure your kids know you don't believe that. If they even think you are justifying their behavior, they will do it again or worse yet, do something with REAL consequences. Yes, kids do stupid things and when they do, they need to learn not to do them again. Period.</p>
<p>Wow, this post seems to have really struck a nerve!</p>
<p>I noticed a posting way back in this thread from Duckmom suggesting your daughter use the lessons learned from this in her college essay. NO, for heavens sake do NOT let her do this! We went to a college open house, and the adcom was discussing good and bad essay topics. Her best example of a "bad" essay topic: "Why I got arrested for shoplifting and how it wasn't my fault." The whole place roared in laughter. She said that student was not admitted.</p>
<p>Your daughter is still young, and she made a stupid mistake. It happens. When my brother was in 8th grade he stole an 8-track tape from Sears (guess I'm showing my age here!) The store pressed charges. My parents were mortified. The judge assigned community service, and when it was completed -- I don't remember the exact details -- but the judge told my brother that after he turned 18 if he was ever asked if he was convicted of a crime or misdemeanor he could honestly answer NO. Trust me, he's never taken as much as a piece of gum without paying for it since.</p>
<p>Do let your daughter know you still love her but it is going to take a long time to earn back your trust. </p>
<p>And if it makes you feel any better, think about the poor parents whose kids have made bigger mistakes, perhaps involving alcohol, that have lead to someone's bodily injury or worse. Whether DD goes to Wellesley or someplace else, she still has a bright future ahead of her if she takes this lesson to heart.</p>
<p>And by the way, it's a tradition in our town that the night before Thanksgiving (final football game of the year), the cheerleaders tp the trees/yard of the senior football players. It's actually a good-natured "good bye" and all in fun. Obviously that's not what went on here, but just wanted to share that.</p>
<p>Just read this post and I have to breathe a sigh of relief. Right before senior year last fall, my son and a few of his friends decided to egg a house in broad daylight, arriving in our old van, which is two-toned and rather distinctive-looking. Oh yeah, and the house is on a busy corner. Having completed the job, one of the boys accidentally dropped his wallet in the front yard. The boys then took off back to school for soccer practice. The mom at the egged house drove to school, got the principal, the two of them went up to our van and, peering into it, saw five empty egg cartons. Geez, can you believe it?</p>
<p>My son and his friends split the cost of power-washing the house (thankfully it was brick, so less damage occurred). It was many weeks of allowance. My son also called and personally apologized to the family. He did not realize that egging was more destructive than TPing. </p>
<p>What I am now very thankful for is that the woman did not press charges, because that likely would have affected the college process for him. Of course many of you reading this will wonder if the above indicates the boys involved were college material at all.</p>
<p>I just want to weigh in here on the side of CGM, Zoosermom, Northstarmom, and others who see the pressing of charges as being something that is appropriate, whether or not they would do it themselves. I personally am a very permissive parent.... but there are boundaries -- and there is a very big line when someone else gets hurt or damaged (including property damage). I would take acts of theft or vandalism very seriously. </p>
<p>In any case, in my view, the best way for the kid to learn is by having the victim of the vandalism call the cops. As a lawyer, I often felt that some of my juvenile clients would have been better served if the consequences had been more direct and severe early on -- too often I have seen kids who do one thing after another with only a slap on the wrist, and then at some point when they are older and can potentially be charged as adults, they get into more serious trouble -- and there they are with a long rap sheet and they end up incarcerated. So in my view, it's better if the message gets across early. </p>
<p>I would also be concerned about a kid who takes a younger sibling on such hijinks, not merely because of the safety of the younger kid, but also because of the effect of modeling that sort of behavior. In some ways it was probably unfair to my son, but I always expected him to be more "responsible" when he was with his younger sister.</p>
<p>Unless the the perpetrators were "regulars" in making trouble, I would not press charges, and I would be disappointed with neighbors who do. Having experienced the court system several times, and finding it too often a game of chance and luck, I think that a young person who is caught doing something like egging a house or other mild forms of vandalism should make retribution in other ways than clogging our already sluggish legal system. Mind you, I am not talking about someone who is a chronic troublemaker. Even good kids do stupid things, and the problem with it going through the court system is that they can get off completely giving them an attitude that they can get away with this sort of thing, or the decision can be to the other extreme if they get a cranky DA and apathetic judge, getting a sentence that is truly extreme. I have seen examples of both too many times. Also when charges are pressed, it has been my observation that it is the parents who suffer the most. Kids have a way of pushing back unpleasant thoughs that we, as parents who have to directly deal with the issue, do not have the luxury of doing.I am not condoning vandalism or pranks, even in the mild forms when they cause damage, and stress. I don't like those "Punked!" shows where they can often be funny because they do make these sort of things seem acceptable. But to involve the police in something like this, unless the children involved are neighborhood pains that may warrent monitoring their behaviour by keeping official records of their activities for good reason.<br>
Also, with 4 teenagers (including one now out of teens) who have had their incidents and who have had too many friends with police records, it seems that those who did get caught, continue to make trouble despite the consequences.</p>
<p>"What I am now very thankful for is that the woman did not press charges, because that likely would have affected the college process for him. Of course many of you reading this will wonder if the above indicates the boys involved were college material at all."</p>
<p>? Someone can do immature, thoughtless things yet still be bright enough to handle college. I haven't seen anyone here suggest otherwise.</p>
<p>One also can have a rap sheet and get into college. Of course, it's unlikely that someone with a rap sheet will get into HPYS, but there are hundreds of other 4-year colleges in the country that probably wouldnl be glad to take such a person as long as their grades meet the college's standards.</p>
<p>My kids have done some dumb things that have caused a lot of trouble. The last thing on my mind was college when these things occurred. My brain was more focused (fearfully) on other institutions that they were showing eligibility for.</p>
<p>I wouldn't press charges. He was offered to have any damages paid for. If you wouldn't have stepped up and told him there was probably no way he would have found out who did it and the damages would've been paid out of his pocket. There are too many more important things that should go to court. Not this. Unbelievable. I wouldn't want this neighbor and wouldn't want him as a police officer in my town. He must think he's perfect.</p>
<p>In our neighborhood, we haven't had worse than pumpkin throwing in the street on Halloween night. My husband parks his newish car in the driveway (we just can't seem to get the garage cleaned out), and he would absolutely press charges if egging resulted in property damage. I would probably be more upset about the TPing, because my time is valuable to me, and I hate the idea of spending a fall afternoon cleaning up someone else's mess.</p>
<p>I'd be particularly upset, though, about the invasion of my privacy. Remember the whole Y2K thing? Our next-door neighbor's 2 sons, ages 17 and 15, decided it would be enormous fun to sneak into our garage and turn off our master fuse at the stroke of midnight that New Year's Eve, to enjoy our resulting panic. They snuck into our garage earlier that day to unlatch a window. I caught the younger one halfway in, reaching for the fuse box, when I went out to the garage for something at 11:59. I panicked, all right, screamed a blue streak of profanities at him, and terrified him so much that he fell onto the floor. I was so angry and so frightened (took me several seconds to realize who it was) that I raced back into the house, screaming all the way, and continued screaming by phone at our neighbor, who, it turned out, had endorsed the entire plan, thought it was hysterically funny, and was surprised and kind of hurt when we didn't agree.</p>
<p>The next day, the mom came over to apologize, and it turned out that she knew about the plan, too, though she had warned them against it. Even though we'd been good friends until then, I told her if her kids ever trespassed again I would call the police and press charges. Not for their benefit, either - I couldn't have cared less whether they learned a lesson or not - but for the protection of my family's home and privacy. Things have been rather cool between our families since then, but that's okay with us. We apparently have different definitions of the word "friendship."</p>
<p>In the OP's case, I probably would not press charges, provided that restitution was made. But I don't think they'd be asking me if they could borrow an egg anytime soon.</p>