<p>Oh boy, this is a tough one. I agree you should make her go to orientation at FGCU, but if, after that, she still insists on the community college, what can you do? Drag her kicking and screaming off to FGCU? If you “force” her to go away to college, she might purposely flunk out or worse just to get out of the situation.</p>
<p>Could you get FGCU to delay her enrollment by a year, so that she could try the community college, and see where the BF situation goes, and after a year, still have the option of enrolling at FGCU?</p>
<p>If she goes away I would suggest that you and your D get the H.S. calender and go over the "events’ she will want to come home for to be with he BF. Set up a tentative plan ahead of time. This will both let her know that she will see him and let her know that she will be on campus some weekends to do college things. Also, he can visit there. I wish I had thought of this when S went to college 60 miles away with a H.S. sweetheart. He messed his first semester up by not really getting involved with his new school and coming home often and the second semester was spent breaking up with her and getting over it. Now he has a GF who is 4 hours away this sememster (will be back at same school in Fall) and, yet, the maturity has helped and he is doing ok. But, again, talk about the visits.</p>
<p>I think you should give her that gentle push and tell her that if it does not work out after a year she can do community college. Of course by that time she will have either broken up with the boyfriend or he will be off to college so the desire to move back home will probably not be there. </p>
<p>Once your D figures out that less than two hours away is very close she will get over her fears. She will have the ability to come home every weekend. She should be concentrating on studies during the week anyway. </p>
<p>I think your D will regret not going away and will appreciate the push. My parents did not push me way back then and it is something that I have always regretted not experiencing.</p>
<p>edit…let the coming home on the weekend be an option so she will buy into it. after she is there she might not really even want to come home every weekend.</p>
<p>But she’d love it if we’d rent her an apartment here in town…she wants out of the house but not out of town…* She’s also got a long term boyfriend here **who is a year behind in school and will not be going away.</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>LOLOLOLOLOL…how dumb does she think you are. ( I know that you’re not considering it.)</p>
<p>I would strongly (nicely) push her to go away to school. Use whatever incentives you need to.</p>
<p>Well I’m going to gently, nicely encourage for sure.</p>
<p>But with this kid, I don’t know.</p>
<p>And I don’t want to “drag her kicking and screaming” because then I set it up for failure with me as the bad guy as usual…“it’s all your fault that xyz happened, I didn’t even want to come here” blah, blah, blah…</p>
<p>Hopefully this is just cold feet, hopefully she’ll think further and decide she DOES want to go. </p>
<p>I’m just bummed because I thought we were all set and now we’re not and I really predict if she stays home she’s heading toward a life of “Do you want fries with that” Really I do predict that.</p>
<p>I certainly would not force her to go away, but I would make it clear to her that there would be no apartment and that if she’s living in your house she’d be living by your rules, doing household chores, etc., whether she’s a legal adult or not. That might be enough to push her out the door. I commuted to a nearby school my first year of college. One year of being a college student living with my parents and younger siblings, having limited freedom, a curfew, babysitting duty (I had a 2 year old sister) plus a job was enough - I had my transfer applications in before the first semester was finished.,</p>
<p>True story: My brother applied to the Naval Academy. Didn’t get in. Thought he’d go to a local, not particularly stellar choice with some “buds” of his. My Dad said “No way. If you want a military career, head to Texas A&M” and he stood over my brother to make sure the (then one page) application got sent in. </p>
<p>Brother was reluctant and underwhelmed all summer. At the end of the summer he fell off a ladder and broke his arm. My Dad loaded Brother, broken arm and trunk and drove him to Texas A&M. Dad later said that it was raining when he dropped Brother off and it was the hardest thing he’d ever done to drive away leaving his kid on the curb – His parting words were “You’ll either love this or hate this.”</p>
<p>Two weeks later, Brother calls home and says “This is GREAT!”. Went on to a career in the Marines. </p>
<p>We don’t parent that way these days. But there’s no reason that you still can’t go to the mat on this one by saying "This is about me, not you. I am terrified that you will never be mature and independent if you don’t have at least this fall at college away from home. Even if you come home in January, you will know that you can be away from home and manage. I simply will not sleep or be happy if you are home this fall. I am that distraught about this. I’ve saved for years for this and I will cry for a thousand hours if I don’t get to go dorm room shopping with you. "</p>
<p>Yeah, that’s a bit thick but, hey, its for a good cause. You are not picking her life path. You are opening the door for her to have options in the future – but you need her to show that she can launch. That is non negotiable. </p>
<p>Is there a Dad in the picture? He could rumble in about how important it is to him to raise an independent daughter. No negative words about the BF – but how much Dad admires a self sufficient young woman might carry some water too. </p>
<p>The change of heart for going away to college theme occurs every year on CC. Hang tough and tell her going away is now a done deal. She can decide to return after spending at least one semester away. By then she won’t want to. There will be many students getting cold feet as the reality hits, especially this summer. Don’t worry, just insist she try it for the year- if all seems horrible months into the first semester you can decide then if she needs to stick it out for the year or bail at the semester.</p>
<p>This is the message to all parents whose child starts wavering on the college plans. Save yourself time and agony- don’t consider rethinking the decision. The reality of finishing HS is hitting and many start wanting to retain the security of their known life. Don’t let them derail their college plans. They will change their minds often as the next few months go by. </p>
<p>The other recurrent theme will be how unbearable these young adults will become, if not already so. They are starting to withdraw from the family in preparation for being on their own. Good luck living with them- college is good for parents, too!</p>
<p>Oh wow, that’s a tough one. As a high school senior myself dealing with a similar situation, I completely understand where your daughter is coming from. Aside from the boyfriend thing (staying home for a boyfriend is, imo, completely wrong), your daughter could just be getting scared. The thought of being away from home is terrifying. Everything you’ve known for 18 years is gone. True, 90 minutes isn’t terribly far but it is far enough. </p>
<p>So, yes, you should push her a bit. But it’s her choice in the end. I know parents don’t want to see their kids making the “wrong” choice, but I think it’s important that us kids do once in a while. If she decides not to go away, please don’t get discouraged. Everything will work out, you need to trust her and her decisions. She could always transfer in a few years to an away school. There’s nothing wrong with community college. </p>
<p>I think you know your daughter. You raised her to make these choices, trust that you did a good enough job! Let her think it over. I don’t think guilting her will help either. Good luck!</p>
That’s the real reason right there - almost certainly. It’s likely not about leaving the house and family but rather, the BF (sorry - harsh reality - but your case might be an exception).</p>
<p>I think you should talk this over with her from that perspective since her short-sightedness due to the BF (or mayyybe the family) is something that may come back to bite her. She needs to understand that if she decides to go to the CC she’ll likely be foregoing her opportunity to go to the 4 year college for 2 more years. She also needs to realize that in a year, when the BF graduates, HE will likely go off to college somewhere or may enter the military or do something else and meanwhile she’ll still be stuck at the CC. There’s also a very reasonable chance this will be an ex BF anyway within the next couple of years due to all the life changing events hitting both of them at this time in their lives.</p>
<p>She also needs to realize that an hour and a half is minimal as far as the distance goes. She could easily come home on many weekends (although it probably isn’t a great idea to) and days off.</p>
<p>At the end of the day when all is said and done and you’ve given it the best chance you can, including going to the admit day, etc., and she still insists on not going away to college, then she shouldn’t be forced to go (not that you can anyway), and she’ll just need to live with her decision. You’re within your rights in stating what you will and won’t support and sticking with that - i.e. you will support her staying in the dorm at the 4 year college but you won’t support her in her own apt at the local CC.</p>
<p>Is it possible to visit the school again? Since it’s only 1 1/2 hours away perhaps a visit before orientation might help. It could be with just the two of you and maybe a conversation could be had in the car before and after where you mostly just listen. One and one-half hours is really close, maybe the trip will show her that and make her feel a bit more secure in leaving. </p>
<p>Do you know anyone from your high school that is currently a student at the college? Maybe a lunch visit with this person would help. You’ve only given us the boyfriend angle but alluded to other reasons, perhaps a mom and me visit would help.</p>
<p>“I’m just bummed because I thought we were all set and now we’re not and I really predict if she stays home she’s heading toward a life of “Do you want fries with that” Really I do predict that.” </p>
<p>@crusinfamily…that was cute… and that comment kind of made me soften my view. </p>
<p>I think going away would be a really good experience and that your D might regret it later… but it is not the end of the world and she will be fine if she stays and goes to a community college. </p>
<p>As you said yourself there are some benefits to her attending a community college. You will be saving a ton of money for one. </p>
<p>So give her the nudge, but as the others have said at the end of the day she really wants to go the cc route let her do it with your blessings. </p>
<p>I think you really know that while she may take a different route to reach her destination, she will get there…I just felt the need to say it. </p>
<p>tonight she randomly asked me if they have breakfast there…and I’m like “where?” I didn’t even know what the heck she was talking about. And she says “at college” So perhaps there is hope!</p>
<p>Most colleges have programs where a prospective student can spend a day visiting campus and stay overnight as a guest in the dorms. Maybe she ought to go do that, and try breakfast in the cafeteria, too.</p>
<p>I agree that if she can be paired with a compatible existing student, she might really enjoy an overnight at the school she might attend in the fall. She has to go with an open mind or she will just find all the faults. It does sound like she’s starting to think about it–funny the things kids ask. If she does do an overnight, best to call in advance to find out when the school recommends (interesting activities on campus instead of everyone stressing over exams & not doing much socializing) & if there is a volunteer host & a way she can sleep over. She should try BLD in the dorms or on campus or nearby, just to get a “feel” for the area. She may be very pleasantly surprised. :)</p>
<p>And don’t forget that if he is a good boyfriend he will encourage her to go, not stay. Hopefully he is happy for her as much as he will miss her. If you do like him and she does go you can say things that you will do to help them stay together… such as help pay for the gas or the train. I have done this for my S this year and it has had positve results.</p>
<p>I bet she will still go. Kids do get scared to go away from home when the reality hits. I like the idea of taking her there for another visit before orientation. When our daughter started her college search, she initially wanted to go across the country. As time got closer, she wanted to apply to schools 1/2 across the country. When it came time to accept, she was joking about putting an addition on our local high school, and going there! She wound up at a good school 2 hours away. Good luck with your daughter!</p>
<p>Look up information about Freshman orientation. Show this to your daughter and tell her that the Univ. has many activities for the freshman to get to know each other. Tell her all the other kids are in the same boat…they don’t know anyone. See if the school has an “admitted students weekend” which should be happening around now…she could stay over and get a feel for how the Univ. works and where she would live and eat.
If there is not a formal one, I am sure you could get an informal one together through the Univ. or through someone who used to go to her high school.</p>
<p>Maybe she truly is not ready. It’s not like she has to go her freshman year or she never gets to leave. Maybe she does not go and WISH she had. Would that be the preferable situation to her going and wish she had not? Maybe she needs another year or two of home to really be ready. If she’s truly not ready the parents pushing her to go may not be what she really needs.</p>