My daughter is a freshman of 18 and attends college in the city, living in a dorm with roommates she really likes. However, after only being there a few weeks, met someone via dating app who is 23 and out of school working and living in city. She is now spending majority of her evenings and weekends with this person off of campus. I insisted on meeting him to make sure he wasn’t a pervert and he seems like a perfectly nice guy. who competed his degree and has a good job. Things appear to be progressing and getting a little serious at this point but she is unwilling to bring him home for any length of time to meet our family but happy to spend every possible moment with him while she is not in class and he is not working. My concern is that we are paying for her dorm and meal plan and intended of our child to have a college experience meeting other students, joining clubs and getting involved on campus which is not happening. I’m reading posts saying we need to let our children go and experience life on their own but I’m having a really hard time doing that now. She is doing well in her classes and is 18 so technically an adult and not sure how much control we have over where she spends her time. In my day, my parents had no clue what I was doing at college or who I was with so knowing what she is doing is both a curse and blessing. I’m not sure how to handle this or if I am freaking out over nothing.
If you are paying the bill I would tell her for that to continue she needs to be staying in the dorm Sunday through Thursday nights. Somehow I’d find a way to make sure…R.A., app on the phone? There must be a way? I don’t have a daughter and I know meeting online in this day and age is perfectly normal but if it were me, I’d run a background check on the guy. I once had a father share with me who had lost his daughter to a horrible tragedy that if he had just run a simple background check on the guy, it could have been avoided. I know I’m probably overreacting…I don’t meant to scare you. Your concern is valid. You sent her to college to go to college. I would probably also make it a stipulation that she brings the guy home more so you can get to know him. Good luck.
I don’t think you can do anything as long as grades are good. Playing the “we pay,” card and forcing her to stay in her dorm Sunday thru Thursday will just be a huge wedge between you …and she’ll likely find a way to trick you anyway.
I’ve googled him and his story seems to check out. Not sure about the background check. Have to give that some thought. Now I really won’t be able to sleep!
I agree it could force a wedge but there is no way I’d pay for a dorm and meal plan if my child wasn’t using it. I feel as if she owes you something after you have spent all this money and supported her in getting there. I am a proponent of cutting them off. I think I would feel differently about this situation of she wasn’t a freshman. She hasn’t even had the college experience yet and is still very young. There is a big difference between a freshman in college and a senior in college. He is probably fine but I am hesitant about fast relationships and dating when you meet online. It’s just me.
Was your daughter forthright regarding her age and that she is only a Freshman to her boyfriend ? That may be why she is less than enthusiastic about bringing him home so you can get to know him better. That may also explain why she is spending so much time away from college with him . I agree with @mom2collegekids that if you ask her to stay in the dorm from Sun to Thurs may cause her to attempt to conceal where she is. That may include leaving her phone in her dorm . My guess is that this will burn out as quickly as it flamed up.
If you bought a car for your D, would u demand she drive it at least X miles per week?
If you bought a magazine subscription for her, would you demand she read each issue cover-to-cover?
Why was she doing an online dating app when she had just arrived at college? I would think there would be plenty of new people to meet on campus. Is she unusually mature for her age, and felt she needed someone older? And in my book, essentially moving in with someone after such a short time is a red flag. I guess it is better than serial “hooking up” but still, this situation seems strange. I would think also, since he is done with school, that living there most of the time will affect her motivation and her overall adjustment to college. She is losing out, as you say, on many aspects of the experience. (That said, I think dorms are horrible.)
Some kids use a relationship to ease the transition away from home. Is that a factor? Or is this a reaction to newfound freedom after leaving home?
I know that online dating is now normal but the timing of this seems really strange. I just feel as if there is something else going on and would be a little worried. Not about safety, no, about what is going on with her emotionally.
Some schools require living in the dorm for the first year. Is that the case here? You are/she is not losing money if she isn’t paying rent at her boyfriend’s or paying for food. I don’t think the fact that you paid for room and board is the issue here.
One of my roommates’ girlfriends lived with us 3.5 years out of the 4. Her parents paid for her room & board.
If kiddo’s bf were in an adjacent dorm, would this affect your current angst? I can commiserate with the fact that she seems to be “missing out” on the benefits of the dorm community and the seeming waste of fees rubs salt into the wound – but what can you do? I’m sympathetic – I have a sophomore too and wouldn’t know what to say if this were her case. But knowing that relationships can be fleeting, I’m sure you feel a need to keep a safety net.
Are you sure she just met him? Might she have met him on the dating app prior to school, and perhaps chose the school for that reason? #possiblyunwarrantedconspiracytheory
It’s not the RA’s job to make people spend time in the dorm.
I wouldn’t be thrilled about this situation, but I’m not sure there’s a whole lot you can do about it.
Isn’t college a time for young people to go off and experience life and start to make their own decisions?
I think I’d sit back and see how things develop. She’s so young still I don’t think I’d want to take away her safety net (room and meals) or even drive that wedge halfway in by discussing it lol. If she is still not eating or sleeping in the dorms after holiday break I think I’d look at cheaper alternatives ~ maybe there’s a lesser meal plan? maybe there’s the option of a larger shared room with decreased cost? I’m not sure I’d want to be paying top dollar for an AYCE meal plan and a suite if my kid wasn’t using it (not saying you are btw).
Your daughter is in a relationship with a young man 5 years her senior. She isn’t hiding the relationship, his age, how they met, how much time they spend together, or where they spend their time. She’s introduced him to you and he seems like a nice guy whose story checks out, she’s happy, and her grades are good. It’s not how you envisioned her college experience would be, but it’s not awful. I’d continue paying for her dorm and meal plan, and take great pains to keep the lines of communication open.
I think trying to get the RA or a phone app to track her movements is a mistake – it’s not the RA’s job and she’ll ditch the phone – and threatening to take away her home will create trust issues and backfire on you. I’d be happy to pay for a dorm if my daughter was in a similar situation. Under no circumstances would I make her dependent upon a man for shelter and food, and I’d want her to have an option if she felt like the relationship had run its course.
Do nothing- cut her off now… is there some in-between? I think so.
Would it be so unreasonable to wait until nearer the end of this school year, and if the relationship is still continuing, then talk to her about the next yr’s costs?
To revisit Prime’s example, post 6, if I got her the gift of a magazine subscription and she wasn’t reading it, I might not renew the subscription.
If you take away her dorm and meal plan, what happens if her relationship ends? Her room and board are her safe place to fall if she needs it. I would not take that away, especially from a girl in a new relationship with a guy who is a bit older and more established who you don’t yet know very well.
She’s been in school for all of a month, if that. I don’t think you can write her off from having a college experience quite yet. Dating, going a little overboard on your first adult relationship, those things are often part of many kids’ college experiences, too. I think you have to give her a chance to find her own balance.
I realize that’s easier said than done but keep in mind the alternative – you make “rules” for her, which she won’t keep, which will make it that much harder for her to be honest with you. You absolutely want to make sure that she has her own space to come back to. I doubt that the cost of room and board is really the issue here.
Of course you can’t take away the dorm and meal plan. Many people who appear to be living together still maintain separate apartments, and this relationship is apparently brand new.
My only concern is how she jumped in so fast with the guy she met online, but that happens too. One of my kids did it but it turned out to be part of a larger mental health issue, so I am probably biased : )
I’d be having a (or another) chat with her about birth control. I wouldn’t be loving this situation, but an unplanned pregnancy would really damage her future.
I think there is some misunderstanding. I’m not suggesting I will cut her off. Of course I don’t want her relying on someone else for her well being. What’s more important to me is the lack of experience she is having being a college co-ed and taking advantage of all college has to offer students from a social and learning perspective. Right now, it’s almost the same as if she is commuting.