I’m more focused on how you know her grades are good and classes are going well.
A lot of freshman grades are coming in around now.
With one of mine, it was like pulling teeth to find out how well/poorly things were going. With the other, (thankfully?) learned that keeping the 'rents informed of the good, the bad, the ugly was essential.
I do think this transformed into some people thinking you are going to cut off her meal plan, but I didn’t see the OP suggest that. I appreciate your concern over her not integrating herself fully into college life.
While it’s all nice for people to suggest that you require her to limit the hours iwht the BF etc I think that can be easier said than done. I think you will just have to grin and bear it for now. Is there a parents weekend you will go to? You can request that you do school activities at that (football game, lecture, meals in the caf etc).
Also as classes get more difficult she may find she needs study groups or times to work with classmates etc. This may be one of the areas she has to figure out for herself.
I am taking the position of austinmsharui At least he is a smart guy who appears to care for her a lot. It is not how I envisioned her college experience to be but she has been very honest about it. I suppose if our family knew him better we might not feel as concerned. In her defense, she believes that his interpretation of being brought home to ‘meet the family’ means the relationship has gone to a very serious level. However, we see it as she not 23 but 18 and if she were living under our roof, he would have no choice but to come to our home and meet our family so it’s not as serious an occasion as he is making it out to be.
Hi kenmom3 I have a lot of sympathy for you. I think you really can’t do much…the dorm and meals are paid for. BUT be alert for new requests for money. The 23 year old is still pretty young also and paying for everything is going to get old, I predict. I wouldn’t want to subsidize both a dorm meal plan and a boyfriend’s refrigerator. You may feel differently but i think it’s a good idea to be prepared in case the request for more money comes in…
Did she date 21+ year old guys in high school? Or high school guys? Or college guys? Or no boy friend?
Now that the OP has clarified, I see it was surely easy for readers to misunderstand the Op’s main point.
The title of the thread is " Daughter won’t stay in dorm", and when the OP states her concerns, the first 2 concerns mentioned are paying for dorm and paying for meal plan. If the Op’s concerns are that the student isn’t joining enough clubs or meeting enough college friends, then there was no need to even mention paying for dorm and meal plan.
^I agree that that’s why people, including me, read it that way. the clarification is helpful.
You have a teenage daughter that is in love with a guy. Frankly there is not much you can do about this. The good thing is she is not allowing the relationship to effect her grades and it appears she has not tried to hide anything from you. In my opinion this shows a level of maturity beyond that of most 18 year olds. The new boyfriend has a degree which says alot about him. They are spending alot of time together because the relationship is new. It should cool down a bit as time goes on. I would have a talk with the boyfriend regarding the amount of time they are spending together. Since he is a college graduate he should be able to understand your concerns. I see no reason to cut off her room and board since she is doing well in school. She just might move in with the boyfriend if you do this. I clearly see your concerns but understand it could be much worse. I would speak with both of them regarding my concerns and I am betting things will settle a bit after a little time.
READ THE POST and the thread. The OP never said she was going to cut off r&b!
This seems sound advice. It’s a situation I wish I didn’t have to deal with right off the bat but am realizing there is very little I can do about it. This is my oldest and first kid to college and have been preparing for the separation anxiety moms talk about but didn’t expect this outcome. Although, I am glad she is happy and doing well.
I would leave her alone about it unless her grades fall. She sounds happy and like she’s getting all of her work done. Let her have her own college experience. You’ll get to know the guy better as time goes on–
I would simply encourage her to be involved in something at school, one activity, a club or a job on campus - anything to link her to some people there. If this relationship ends, and it likely will, she is going to be disconnected from her dorm friends and perhaps any social group there. She hasn’t had enough time to make a solid friend group, so the dorm mates have probably written her off as someone to invest time in. Looking forward she could end up lonely and disliking the school - which I believe is what you are already worried about, it happens to a lot of kids every year. While you can’t make her do anything, you can suggest she be involved in something that his her thing. Is there something she is interested in or always wanted to try? A rec sport, yoga, dancing, self defense class, etc., - something fun and social?
Encouraging your daughter to hold on to independence in some forms (through her own interests) in any relationship is a good thing.
Sorry, my “of course you can’t take away room and board” was directed at the discussion, not you, the OP 
I wonder if this is what they call a “transitional relationship.” I mean, when leaving home, some kids replace family intimacy with a group of friends or a new romantic partner. It helps them distance from the family safely. Maybe she was uncomfortable leaving home and the dorm felt lonely and this relationship eases some of the anxieties and loneliness that many freshmen feel. Those smiling faces as new students form their cliques can hide a lot of pain.
I a wondering about the timing of her online application to date this guy and when they first started going out. Was there a period of dating before moving in together like this? Did she meet him before arriving at college?
Did she have a boyfriend in high school? Is she unusually mature? A lot of questions come to mind.
I wouldn’t idealize the dorm experience (sorry to repeat this sentiment!) and often new students are advised not to get involved in too many activities.
I have a feeling this scenario is going to work itself out and she is going to do fine, unless hanging out with a young man who has already finished and is not in school, somehow affects her ability to do work.
Turn off the helicopter and watch proudly as your bird flies on her own even if it’s in a different direction then you had hoped for.
Let her know that you trust her judgement but are always there if she needs you.
Love her and be happy that she’s happy.
Trust but verify. Ask to see her grades online. Do the background check and/or poke around social media sites.
I like the idea of encouraging her to join one club or area of interest at the college.
Plan to attend parents weekend. Even if it blows your budget. That is your chance to get on campus and see how she is doing with making friends, and of course meet the boyfriend. Keep the meeting brief and low key, and keep questions to a minimum.
OP has already met the boyfriend.
My post should have said “meet up with D and the boyfriend.” A Parents Weekend Visit would be a lighthearted way to spend a little more time with D and BF. Assuming there would be activities on campus that D, BF and parents could all participate in.
No to the suggestions of background checks and no to the suggestion of taking to the boyfriend about it.
I can understand the concern about daughter not fully engaging in campus life but what she is doing isn’t something horrible. She’s being completely honest about it, something she doesn’t have to do. I can understand her not wanting to bring the guy home. Sounds like they’ve been together for a month or so at most. Going home with a BF/GF to meet the family on their own turf carries a lot of weight with it.
Keep communication channels open by being loving and supportive and having her back no matter what. You can express the importance of grades and can suggest she get involved in some on campus activity or two.
It’s probably to late to put restrictions on now if they weren’t discussed prior but as the bill payers, husband and I have always made part of the deal with the kids that they needed to be involved on campus in addition to academics. Their choice on exactly how but they had to do more than just classes, studying, eating, sleeping and hanging out with friends/partying.
I’m just very impressed that the young man has a job and his own place – and comes up on google.
Well, we’re not sure if it’s his own place – which brings up an issue. If the guy has roommates, the OP’s daughter needs to be careful not to intrude on them too much, especially if the apartment has more people than bathrooms. People often don’t like having an extra, non-paying de facto roommate, especially if it means that there’s too much waiting to use the bathroom.
Since the OP’s daughter has no experience with life in shared apartments, she may not be sensitive to this sort of thing.