Landlords aren’t happy either. One of mine visited a long term boyfriend in NYC this summer and after 10 days the landlord said she had to be out in 24 hours! She wasn’t on the lease of course so…
Some landlords will notice; others won’t. And some arrangements violate the lease, while others don’t.
Having a guest stay for 10 consecutive days probably violates most leases. But having a guest stay every weekend probably doesn’t because the guest would only be there for two days at a time.
Is this her first BF? Odds of this working out are slim.
If my mother knew 1/2 of what I got up to in college…
Time to let go. She gets to live her life.
I know it is hard. But generations before us did it.
You get to be supportive when she needs you, and to let her know you will always be available to her.
Thank you for all the responses. It has made me relax to some degree knowing that I’m not crazy thinking this is an odd arrangement but also trying super hard to not interfere and let her make her own choices. I will ask her to join at least one activity on campus and I have told her that grades are #1 priority and if this relationship jeopardizes that, she will be brought home to attend college closer to us. I warned her that the age difference may be an issue at some point and it may not work out, but a broken heart is something I can’t control. She assumes the risk with eyes open. I have also instructed her to consider birth control if this relationship is physical and to also be aware of the high propensity of STDs and to ask him to be tested.
To clarify, I have met the new BF (at a neutral location, casually for dinner) because I insisted on it after they initially began dating due to age difference and wanted to make sure he wasn’t some pervert preying on young college co-eds. In fact, he is quite the opposite, very nice, extremely intelligent and I can understand why she is smitten, age not withstanding. I have since learned that he had a birthday a few days ago and is now 24!! Now it is 6 years difference. At this point, 5 or 6 years makes no difference. He has made is family aware he is dating a girl under 21 (didn’t specify 18 tho) and so i assume it’s getting more serious. My daughter is emotionally mature for her age, although she does not possess the life experience of a 24 year old. Her BF does have a room mate, a female, who I assume is okay with this arrangement but have also thought she might become annoyed at having her there all the time.
She has had relationships in the past though none have been so intense, so fast. I will take the advise of most of you and chill out, let the relationship take it’s natural course and wait before putting pressure to meet her father and siblings.
This is not the future I imagined, but I guess she isn’t out drinking at frat parties and doing stuff that could be worse. Thanks for helping me put this into perspective. It sure is tough being a parent!!
“I have told her that grades are #1 priority and if this relationship jeopardizes that, she will be brought home to attend college closer to us.” Just be careful not to force a hand you don’t want to force. You don’t want a child dropping out of college due to an ultimatum of coming home for college. Not saying that would happen but its a probability if parents dig their heels in.
" I have also instructed her to consider birth control if this relationship is physical and to also be aware of the high propensity of STDs and to ask him to be tested." My guess is there is no “if” since they are basically living together. In addition to whatever form of birth control she uses, there should be “no love without the glove” as I’ve told my kids repeatedly.
And, yes, it could be worse. Hook up culture, especially in the freshman year, isn’t uncommon. I’d rather have my kids in a relationship than going after the flavor of the week.
I can understand the attraction of an older guy, especially for a mature young woman, especially after high school guys. Both my kids have dated people 3,4,5+ years older than them. I don’t think that’s a bad thing necessarily or that uncommon either. It can be hard to balance however given the different lifestyles of someone in college vs someone in the working/“adult” world.
Look on the bright side. He could be 40. Seriously.
Like you, I had hoped that my daughter would have the typical college experience. For very different reaons, her experince is not what I hoped. It took a long time for me to accept that there is no typical college experince and that this was her experience not mine. For better or worst, this is what your daughter wants her college experience to be. I agree that she could be missing out on a lot but that is her choice. All you can do is gently (or not at all) encourage her to check out what is happening on the campus. Maybe encourage her to attend college events with her botfriend.
The thing that would concern me is that she is not establishing a social network at school. When/if the relationship ends, she is likely to find that all her college friends have move on to other friendships. This happened to one of my daughter’s friends and it took a long term to reconnect. However, like your daughter she went in with her eyes wide open and decide that that was what she wanted. Nothing wrong with that.
Also, from what you posted, you did a great job rising your daughter and you have a great relationship. It sounds like you have given the usual parental advice and now need to see how it pans out.
This brings back memories! I was 19 when I moved in with my 23 year BF (and his male flatmate) after freshman year. My parents almost died and my grandparents lectured me endlessly on ‘living in sin’. I could not remotely understand my fuddy-duddy parents and regretted being so honest. I could have lied easily and they’d never have known. It did not last, btw. I was soon very involved in college and my 23 year BF seemed to be in another world.
He sounds like a good guy who you liked, and you can see what she sees in him even after one short meeting.Sounds like he made a great first impression overall. It’s early in the relationship and statistically unlikely to last, but you never know. If it ends up getting serious and you find yourself wanting to slow things down or put a stop to it, I thought it might be worthwhile to re-post something I posted in the “tacky weddings” thread as food for thought and a reminder that it could be worse. 