<p>My first thought wasn’t depression necessarily…but real honest to goodness home sickness. Go see her if at all possible. Or have her come home even for a couple days. Sounds like she’s been very strong for quite a while without family nearby. Back her up with some face time. It can be expensive I know and hard to coordinate with schedules, but believe me, it can mean the world.</p>
<p>Don’t underestimate the depressive nature of cold weather to the Southern Soul. With that said, Splash, is there ANY way you or your H could get on a plane to Boston to take her to dinner Friday night? I know it would be exactly what my daughter would need. Maybe she doesn’t need that from you, but I bet if you could pull if off she certainly would welcome the physical support.</p>
<p>Lots of good advice so far.</p>
<p>I am curious, though: the tuition is $42K, and her loans for the first year total 30K+? That is quite a bit of debt to sustain, as I’m not sure this degree produces extremely high paying employment. If this is the case, maybe leaving while she isn’t sure isn’t such a bad idea.</p>
<p>Not sure what to make of the BF giving her an ultimatum. Doesn’t sound like a good relationship.</p>
<p>All that said, it isn’t the end of the world to leave grad school. Her future will be bright whether she has the grad degree or not. She can always go back later and finish. </p>
<p>Best wishes, I can feel your concerns. Overall, it sounds like you have a pretty great daughter.</p>
<p>Undergrad and grad school are worlds apart. </p>
<p>It is much easier to make friends as an undergrad… all living on campus and in the dorm. Activities on campus revolve around undergrad. </p>
<p>What is her living environment? Has she made friends. Grad school can be a means to an end and have to put up with some of what she calls “homesickness”. Hopefully she’ll make some close friends at school or work and feel better, if this is the issue.</p>
<p>Re-read your post.<br>
- go see your D or have her come see you. Face time is SO important!
- Sounds like she would like to move to her home area long term. Are there jobs in her related field around? Anything close?
- Where’s BF? sounds like he wants her to do whatever she wants to do and would support her. Maybe he’s not the forever type for your D but he is a support.
- I don’t know how old your D is. Sometimes you need to start your life…live where you should…quit school and get going. Maybe she’s there.
Good luck to you and your D!</p>
<p>If it were my kids, I would NOT see this as “throwing it all away”. She has an undergrad degree in what I would think is an employable field. The BF sounds pretty unsupportive, don’t think she loses much if he does break up with her if she leaves grad school. And it would be a VERY bad plan for her to continue the program beyond this semester and rack up a lot of debt if she is sure she doesn’t want to finish it.</p>
<p>Visit her, offer to pay for a trip home for Thanksgiving, and encourage her to finish out the semester and then decide before tuition is due for next semester whether she is going back. She might as well get some credits for the money spent/borrowed even if she doesn’t end up staying. Have her look into taking a leave of absence so she can think about it for a semester (or year if possible).</p>
<p>I will also add that first semester of grad school can be very difficult in terms of transition. My own d who always had issues with transition and homesickness was not happy and was sad and homesick her first semester of grad school. It is different place, different program, different people-the kinds of orientation and getting you settled kind of experience from college is not the same. Depending on the program (mine was for an MFA in painting) there may be only a few people to meet and they may be older, they may be married and so on. She adjusted and did make friends, had a great roommate and was extremely successful in her program, took on many leadership roles and was asked to stay on as an adjunct faculty member-but she called me crying first semester that she had made a mistake, grad school was not for her, this was not the right program, she missed her friends, younger sister was on semester abroad,etc… She did get to see us a lot as we live in a suburb of NYC and one of the first semester classes took place every other Saturday in the city-so I don’t know in the end if that was helpful or not but she did get through the first semester blues. Younger d has friend who went through something similar in first semester of law school last year at Notre Dame…</p>
<p>
There’s not much need for a deep analysis since the BF situation is almost certainly what this is all about. I assume the BF is back in Tennessee? That’s the simple reason she wants to leave where she is. She’s not ‘homesick’ - she’s ‘BFsick’.</p>
<p>She’ll have to decide for herself what her priorities are and how strong this relationship is. If her priority is hanging out with the BF and not education then that’s that. She could also decide to take a more mature approach and realize that sticking to her original plan might be best for both of them, especially if she and the BF have a strong relationship that can survive the time until she graduates. If they don’t have a strong one then there’s little point to uprooting her education for him. </p>
<p>One way or the other it’ll be her choice. </p>
<p>On the rent issue, if you enforce that (or maybe even if not), she’ll likely just move in with the BF. Consider this.</p>
<p>It’s also very possible that the program isn’t what she hoped it would be. What was she expecting to do with this degree when she finished?<br>
I would support whatever decision she makes, and try not to make this into a “maturity” issue. She’s a grown-up, and if this isn’t what she wants to do, better to find out now. Isn’t this time of life supposed to be about finding out what you want to do with your life? It’s likely that this grad program was just a wrong turn in what will eventually become a happy and successful path.</p>
<p>It’s grad school, not undergrad, so I agree with others who have said that this is not"quitting," but a course correction. Maybe a Master’s Degree is in her future, but perhaps not in this particular field.<br>
Oh, and I’d let her come home for as long as it takes for her to get her feet on the ground. My own 25 year old Dd came home from the other coast last spring after living on her own since she was 18, and just moved back out on her own last month. Believe me, the kid will tire of living with mom and dad long before you tire of having them home. Be happy she wants to settle down near you. Life is short, and having family close is just about as good as it gets.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to you. Having been through something very similar at the undergrad level with my D, I think it’s mostly the boyfriend. She should definitely see the counselling center, and an anti-SAD light will probably help (but it’s mostly the boyfriend). FWIW, some lessons learned, and parental coping strategies:</p>
<p>Going to see her, or having her come home, will feel really great to her – until the weekend’s over. Then the misery comes back with a vengeance. I’m not saying not to see her, but don’t think it will fix anything, and be prepared for a very wrenching goodbye.</p>
<p>For my D the decision about whether to go back for 2nd semester had to be made well before winter break, because registration for spring classes happens in mid-November. We persuaded her to do that much, so that she could keep her options open and so that at some level, she felt that she had a future at the college. </p>
<p>Try not to get sucked into the emotional vortex with her – or at least don’t show it to her. Be sympathetic and supportive, of course, but don’t let her see that you’re as panicky as she is. She needs strength and calm from you. Be the anchor in her storm.</p>
<p>I stopped trying to convince my D to like the place. I stopped telling her all the dire things that would happen if she left. She knew all of that. The problem was emotional, and logical arguments bounced right off.</p>
<p>Ultimately, I surrendered her fate into God’s hands; for my sanity, I had no choice. It brought sadness, but also peace, to begin to accept that she might not spend 4 years at her wonderful college. We let her know that this was her decision, and we would support her no matter what. My biggest concern was that she wouldn’t think the thing through, but over time she gave us evidence that she was. </p>
<p>Many months later, she said that DH and I had handled that awful time “just right.” I was taken aback; I was such a mess that I couldn’t believe I hadn’t done more damage than good, but I guess it didn’t show. I asked what we’d done right, and she said, “I always knew you believed in me.” </p>
<p>So I guess that’s the bottom line, especially for your now-really-grown-up daughter – believe in her. She may or may not stay in grad school, or at this grad school. But she’s proven herself to be a smart and capable young woman, and she’ll find her way.</p>
<p>^^ Very good points.</p>
<p>Many, many thanks to all of you! I had talked to DD yesterday and told her not only did I want her to meet with her advisor, I want her to meet with a counselor, too. She has mentioned stress, anxiety and panicky feelings. She told me she didn’t know if she really needed to see someone because she felt like that made her appear weak, but I told her strong people know when they need to talk to someone and she agreed … she’s calling me today to let me know when the appointment is. I am trying to arrange a quick visit to see her. </p>
<p>Even if she leaves, I do know she’ll finish out the semester. She mentioned on the phone last night that she spoke with her manager from work (retail) and thinks she can be off from 12/22 - 12/30. She originally went to work for this company last November in Nashville for seasonal work only, but she loved it and they loved her and, as a part-time employee outsold all the full-time people so they offered her a permanent job. She told them at that time she would be leaving in August for grad school and they offered to transfer her when the time came. It worked out beatifully as they opened a new store in September very near to where she currently is. They transferred her and gave her a nice raise ($19/hr). If she leaves grad school, I think she could probably transfer back and work at the Nashville location until she finds something in her field.</p>
<p>If she does decide to leave school, I believe I would truly be at peace with that. Your replies have been so very helpful and I am reminded how lucky we are to have such a nice community of parents who share wonderful advice and insight. THANK YOU!</p>
<p>SplashMom, if you feel comfortable sharing, how is your D now? What did she decide to do?</p>
<p>She came home at the end of the semester and does not plan to return to Brandeis. She liked her classes and received A’s in all of them, but came to the realization that living abroad or in one of the cities (Boston, NY or DC) where she could utilize her masters in Sustainable International Development is not for her. She’s been home for just a little over a week and, with Christmas, my birthday, New Year’s, etc., it’s been very busy around our house. Her best friend is currently visiting and will leave on Wednesday. At that time, DD, DH and I will sit down and discuss future plans. She’ll start back at her part-time job (had transferred to Boston and now transferred back here) but is looking for a full-time job. She feels totally lost, doesn’t know what she wants to do with her life, and said she feels like a failure.</p>
<p>She saw a counselor who referred her on to a psychiatrist because she felt DD could benefit from anti-depressants and/or anti-anxiety meds. DD has seen the psychiatrist several times and has been taking an anti-depressant for a few weeks. When she made the final decision to leave, she called and got an appointment with a doctor here so she can continue her therapy. She also had a physcial two days after Christmas to make sure there was nothing physical going on that might be making her experience these symptoms and everything checked out fine there. I had hoped possible thyroid problems might be causing her symptoms as lethargy and depression were certainly things I experienced when diagnosed with hypothyroidism years ago.</p>
<p>I know everything will work out. DD has always been hard on herself. When she was young, she had what she called “worries of the month”. She would often worry about things to the point that she would have stomachaches and even vomit. I asked her doctor one day if I needed to have her see a psychiatrist. He told me that she was a very type A personality and no one would ever be harder on her than she would be on herself. That has always been true of her.</p>
<p>Wishing her, and you, the best, SplashMom. Glad the physical went well. You’re right - things will work out, and she’ll find her way, even if it isn’t along the same path she expected.</p>
<p>Your daughter is in a time of intense transition, and self-doubt and depression seem to be common side effects. Having some quiet time at home and talking with you and with her counselor seem good ways to help her focus on her future. Is she still interested in social justice? Could she work at the SPLC in Montgomery? Do they have a closer field office? </p>
<p>Good luck to you both! These things aren’t easy, but better to have some difficulty now when it’s easier to straighten out, then a greater difficulty in the future.</p>