@redeye41 You need to go there. She’s giving up a free undergrad degree and she’s half way done.
OP- totally feel for you and your daughter. Kids have so much pressure on them these days to “find the perfect school” and “follow their passion”. Hard enough for me at 50, even harder at 18!
That said, I worry that the lack of interest in prior activities, lack of communication, being so indecisive and lost is more the result of something underlying (depression is what comes to mind) rather than the cause.
Many kids struggle with some degree of what you’ve described but I feel your daughter’s case is more pronounced and if it were my daughter, unless she has ALWAYS been this way, I’d think about possibly a leave of absence;but in any event she would benefit from some professional counseling in my opinion. She sounds very lost and that must make her feel even more confused.
I am considering going there tonight. It’s about 1.5 hours away. I don’t know what I’ll do if I drive there and she won’t see me.
@redeye41 I don’t understand the won’t see you part. Is she expecting to ever come home again? Is she expecting to come home for Thanksgiving? I completely feel for you. She needs to understand she will not receive any more funding without a minimal respectful attitude.
It can be very hard to see a scholarship disappear (we lost a couple, so I speak from experience). But at the end of the day what’s really important is your child. As everyone else has said, first make sure that in terms of mental health she’s ok. Your approach will hinge on that huge unanswered question.
That said, some time off in the workforce may be helpful for your D. Yes she might lose the scholarship, but she would also learn the value of time and money. If she wants to switch schools (and her mental health is ok), I think it’s perfectly fine to tell her that she’ll have to pony up some money for the new school. Maybe not 100%, but perhaps 50% to come out of savings over the course of a year off working. A year of working an unskilled job for peanuts tends to open eyes to the value of a degree, and money in general.
Everybody has to make their own way in life; it’s a journey, not a destination. If your D wants to travel a different path you can help guide and support her, but you know what they say about leading a horse to water. In the end you can’t fit a square peg into a round hole, so forcing her to stay in an unwanted situation (the current school) might not be the way to go depending on how determined she is. My own sister took about 10 years to get an undergraduate English degree; it was frustrating to watch but it was her life and her decision. Eventually it all turns out ok as long as you don’t burn any bridges along the way.
I guess you’ll turn around and come back home. But I would go. I’d text and tell her you are coming. I’d probably say that you are worried and love her and need to see her face to face, so are on your way. Then merrily respond, “Can’t text, I’m driving!” if she responds with “don’t come”.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with OP’s initial compromise. Get a degree, use elective hours for MI prereqs, and then we’ll pay for medical imaging school instead of grad school. Since she’ll already have a BA, the 2 year program will probably afford her as many opportunities as a second BA with a medical imaging major.
She may be trying to force your hand by not registering (SEE! I have nowhere to go; now you have to do what I want!) Kind of a older version of tantrum, and like a child, not seeing that it may not work. OR she may have some other issue. I really don’t know. I changed majors 5 times and right now advise a pretty decent pack of freshmen who are really unsure of their direction. Sometimes, that’s just 18-20 year olds. Sometimes, there’s more to the story.
The problem is that her daughter’s new plan will cost the parents at least 50k. Now if my kids were just suddenly going to cost me at least 50k not only would they be speaking to me on the tiny chance I would agree, but they would also be explaining how they were going to work to pay for it and pay some of it back.
The daughter just needs to be told that the new plan isn’t going to cost the parents $50k because they aren’t paying. She can do the new plan, but she’ll have to figure out how to pay for it.
One of my kids is on her third major and only chose that one because she was unhappy in major #2, so I said, “Hey, it looks like you like history, just go for that.” She wants to finish and have a degree in something. She then wants to work at Disney where she’ll make nothing but that’s up to her. She lost her scholarship once but appealed and got it back. Lost it again when she took a semester off (to work at Disney) but we got it back because it really was a mix up that she thought she had permission but didn’t.
I’d call the school and see if she can take a leave and retain her scholarship. If the answer is no, then you have a hard decision to make. If it is yes, take some time off. Don’t start the medical program.
I have a friend from HS who started on mainstreet selling candy at Disneyland after graduating from college (he had a regular job where he had the summer off, so he decided to do that, and he just never left). He worked his tail off and has moved to a high level in the corporation (and has a pretty high profile in the organization as well). I’d say he is one of the most successful people from my HS that I know. So @twoinanddone, if your kid finishes her degree and wants to try that – I wouldn’t say no. 
My concise summary of OP, forgive me if it's not accurate.
OP daughter is a sophomore majoring in a liberal arts field at a state school
She has been there a year in a half and drifts from one major to the next, has changed her major 4 times since starting school (actually filled out the paper work 4 times?).
Wants to transfer to a school that offers a BS in Medical Imaging.
If she changes schools she will have no scholarship and it will take her longer to graduate. Meaning WE will end up paying at least an additional $50,000 even if she lives at home
She says all we care about is money and that she should just take next semester off completely to research what she wants to do and work. I’m pretty sure she loses her scholarship if she does this and I fear a repeat of summer.
Unsubstantiated concern about depression, etc.
Are you 100% sure that her newly found interest in a career in Medical Imaging is a bad decision? People often spin their wheels a lot longer than early sophomore year and some never land in a promising direction. Your daughter is sufficiently sure about this direction to want to transfer schools and sacrifice her scholarship. Your lack of confidence in her has got to hurt her and likely strains your relationship. She is an adult.
If she doesn’t believe that she is on a promising direction, her desire to quit and stop the clock is not irrational. It’s only a problem because she loses the scholarship. However, to her, the scholarship isn’t worth much if she feels like she’s wasting her time anyway. It doesn’t matter if she’s right or not, this is what she believes.
It’s also not clear if you can afford the $50,000. Would you have paid if she didn’t have a scholarship? Can you really hold onto that scholarship as if it were your own?
I think I would be more supportive of her decision, but I also think that it’s important that she has skin in the game. Can you ask her to borrow the maximum federal loan that she can get in her name alone to replace the scholarship. This way you can assess whether she is willing to invest in herself.
I think all of the talk about depression is premature. An adult can’t be forced into treatment if the mental illness is mild and she is not a treat to herself.
Good luck.
^Wow. 50k is the daughter’s by right or something? And what happens if Medical Imaging is wrong after a semester? The track record is change every couple months. Mom and dad are just piggybanks who don’t even deserve the respect of a reply? If this was my kid, they could leave but would be working a year to think about the new major and earn money and work on either the depression or attitude.
The daughter has only had Medical Imaging as an idea for THREE WEEKS!
Random thoughts about your DD’s situation in no particular order:
- Clearly, your DD is struggling with the whole "What am I going to be when I grow up?" thing.
- Maybe music never really was HER passion, but she just kept up with it because she felt that she had to.
- A career in Medical Imaging is a good idea. But you don't need a BA/BS in order to land a job in that. Almost every community college has a program for an associates degree in some sort of medical imaging...ultrasound tech is 1 example.
- DD should consider going to the career center on campus. They will likely have various career-related personality 'tests' which can help lost students figure out what might be a good fit.
- Your DD needs to learn pretty darn quick that you will not be financing year after year of "I need to find myself." Tell her flat out that you'll pay for 4 years, but that's it. In year 5, she'll have to figure out how to pay for it if she's not done.
- Transferring to another school that will cost you $50,000/year should not even be an option given where your DD's head is right now. BUT if she wasn't changing her mind every 3 weeks...if she had come forward with a solid plan of "Here's why this program is a good one, here's the research I've done to figure out what credits will transfer, and here's my semester-by-semester plan to get to graduation" THEN maybe you would have considered it. But right now, she's acting like she's 12 or 13, not 18.
- Re: depression - she's an adult. That means that even if she IS depressed, the ONLY thing that can be forced upon her against her will is if she is an immediate threat to herself or others. And then she can usually only be hospitalized for 72 hours.
- Re: the change in interest in various activities - Some of this is pretty normal. College is definitely a place where it's OK to try different things. For example, maybe she's just gotten tired of volleyball. Or maybe as she's gotten to know the other students on the club volleyball team, she's realized that she really doesn't like them very much...and maybe it's turned her off to it and she wants to do something else.
Re: the sorority - being involved in Greek life can definitely suck up all of a student’s free time. It’s easy to get sucked into the whirlwind/vortex and maybe the last year and a half with that has been overwhelming.
MAYBE…just maybe…most, if not all, of her close friends were sorority sisters. Maybe something has happened there which has totally turned her off to sorority life. Some students occasionally find themselves completely lost and feeling like they suddenly have no friends once they decide to step away a little from every sorority/fraternity event.
- THE goal at the end of college should be SOME sort of employment. Or grad school. But even with grad school, the end goal is A JOB. I don't think that you should offer to pay for grad school.
- your DD needs to be told that EVERY SINGLE MAJOR is going to have classes that: (a) suck; (b) you don't like; (c) are hard/challenging. Right now, your DD's gut reaction to anything negative in her education seems to be "I don't like it, I don't want to do this anymore." It's a very foolish way of handling one's problems...to run away.
And isn’t that what she is asking you to pay for? $50,000/year for her to run away from whatever her current problems are at her current school. Based on her track record so far, who’s to say that you won’t see a repeat of all of this?
Have you ever heard that Yogi Berra quote, “No matter where you go, there you are” ?? That definitely applies in your DD’s case. The problem is not the school. The problem is between her ears. She has the power to turn this around. Since you are financing all of this, I think that it is TOTALLY reasonable to tell her that she needs to present you with a solid plan. Sort of like a business proposal that you would pitch to a venture capital firm. Because that’s pretty much what all of us parents are…venture capitalists investing in our kids’ futures. 
- LASTLY.... Before she changes her major YET AGAIN, only this time to Medical Imaging, she should take some initiative and actually talk to somebody who is currently working in the medical imaging field. It's called an Informational Interview. She should start by asking for advice at the campus career center on how to go about setting one up.
I just thought of one more…
She should consider reading the book “What Color Is Your Parachute?”
The thing that struck me was also mental health. I think kids go through lots of changes in college…but when you talked about walking away from activities…that is the nerve it struck for me. Best of luck…you sound like a great parent.
I think this is a case of balancing “firmness and kindness in equal measure.” (I’m quoting that from somewhere, but not sure where.) Of course, the problem is deciding how to interpret and act on that.
To her cry of " All you care about is money!" I would reply that saving retirement funds for yourself is one of the best gifts you can give her… so that she will be free to live HER life and not left with the burden of paying for your care when you are elderly (when perhaps she has children to put through college.)
OP, did you decide to visit her tonight? Let us know how it goes…
I did drive up to her school that night. She refused to see me and said she was off campus. I said I’d wait until she returned. She ignored me. Ignored me to the point that I said I would go to public safety and ask for a wellness check. She said I wouldn’t and ignored me some more. Long story short I ended up at public safety… she then called me and agreed to meet. She didn’t call back public safety even though they left her a message but her hall director spoke with her the next day and is keeping in touch with her and has even talked to me (with her permission) saying she seems to be doing well and she speaks with her often.
Now what happened when she agreed to meet— she was angry I went to public safety and angry her father and I “don’t listen to her”. She was angry we thought she may be depressed because after seeing a psychologist in HS she “knew the signs and we should trust her”. I said I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t care. We talked for hours shutting down a late-night restaurant. We didn’t really solve anything but came to some understandings.
She was lying, she claims, because it was “easier” than to explain situations. I told her that had to stop or it would become a habit and things are always worse if you lie. She seems to have stopped lying to me, although it’s only been a few weeks but she is home for Thanksgiving.
She feels she needs to have a path planned with job in sight at the end of the tunnel. Without that, she feels like her classes are pointless and yet she has to excel in them. She says this takes a toll on her and she feels like she’s under pressure for no reason. I explained the advantages of having any bachelors degree and she says she just doesn’t feel that way or agree with that. She also feels she’s at a low tier, non-competitive school and hates that. All of her cousins went to top 25 schools.
I asked about her spending and quitting activities.She said if I looked I would see much of the spending was sorority related and many girls were complaining. The sorority is taking up tons of time which has made her have to drop other activities and quit the volleyball club team. She said she likes her pledge class but some of the other girls ruin it for the group. I reminded her she didn’t have to be in a sorority. She insists overall it’s worth it because without it there is no social scene.
I found out she took on a leadership role adding more stress and time but she insists she “needs” the experience. I said she needs to evaluate this because she gets so frustrated she seems miserable, and uses words like “under pressure” and “stressed out” constantly. She also has no time for other close friends.
We talked about losing her scholarship if she leaves and she said she is aware of this and it’s a big weight on her when she realizes if she doesn’t choose to stay there she would make us pay that difference. She does care but feels she is stuck at a school with terrible class choice and where it will be difficult to study abroad (why she said she no longer wanted to) and graduate in 4 years which is how long her scholarship lasts. She spends the little down time she has looking at schools she missed out on because of a last minute choice and comparing majors—definitely thinking the grass is always greener. She likes Anthropology and Forensic Chemistry and the idea of Medical Imaging. She has taken no steps to job shadow a person in Medical Imaging, and I don’t think it fits her personality. Also on choice of major she says “I just don’t know” and this really bothers her.
I thought she had quit wind ensemble because she kept saying she had no date for the concert and I noticed all of her oboes were in her closet. Come to find out she was using a school oboe and told me the date of the concert. We went and even though it’s a school with a Music BA and quite a lot of oboes she had all the solos. So she’s been participating. After the concert she told me she was sad. She said she realized the ensemble was not up to the level she was used to participating in. She realized how much she missed performing at a high level. She was very emotional. She said she was burned out senior year of HS and couldn’t see herself working on a performance degree… now maybe she could. What do I make of that? She also said she would love to explore more piano playing and cello— which she has no experience with but learned the sax and clarinet to a level 4 in two months. (Well she does have basic keyboard.)
She has registered for classes next semester— her gen ed will be completed along with a class in the present major and 6 music credits. I think we can get her a semester (obviously plus summer) off and keep the scholarship. Do I encourage her to take time off and regroup or is something else going on here? Should she finish the year before taking time off? She doesn’t want to talk to any counselors. But I think she may agree to it if it was a condition of us helping her take time off and find her way. And there is a boyfriend— there always has been I just found out it’s more serious than we knew. The girl who was never going to get married is talking marriage down the road. He is in the army in Africa. I’m sure that adds to her stress. They FaceTime almost everyday, and he has encouraged her to study whatever she wants.
I should add it is just with music she doesn’t feel she needs to see the career at the end of the tunnel. She wants to perform, knows it’s a long shot, but was always willing to go there for the love of it. Does that type of passion mean something? Love reading many of your insights.
It sounds to me like she made a decision at the end of high school because she felt that she needed a “practical” degree versus music. which is sad.
A student can major in music and never actually work in music. Again, it is a bachelor’s degree equal to any other bachelor’s degree. If she can free herself from misguided expectations and do a BA in music where she is, maybe that would help.
If she wants to take time off and work on her music in order to get into a BM program at a conservatory or school of music, that would be a legitimate path as well. I know several kids who transferred into a BM program mid way through school.
She has her gen eds done which is helpful.
Take away all the extraneous factors and ask her if she would be happy studying music and performing with peers who are at a higher level.
It sounds to me as if music is what she loves and she somehow thought she could not pursue it. She still can.
The problem is her need for light at the end of the tunnel. With music, it sounds like she wouldn’t be in the tunnel at all, and that is how college should be- pursuing an interest or talent that you love.
There are students who love their major in college and those who don’t. It is a means to an end which is a job. Your first job is not permanent as the workplace is fluid. My thoughts are to get a degree as cheap as possible in something. A few years later in the real world she can choose a different direction. Fifty thousand is a lot of money for a maybe.