My DD19 is stressed because her roommate’s boyfriend is visiting for Valentines weekend and she has been asked to sleep elsewhere for 2 nights. Should she have to sleep on the floor of someone else’s dorm room? She gets along well enough with her roommate but says she has never and would never ask her to sleep somewhere else. This is awkward, help!
Completely unacceptable, DD needs to say this is her room and the bf needs to get a hotel room.
Should she HAVE to? No. Should she? I’d say yes. Can’t she do her friend/roommate a solid and find another friend who would let her bunk in their room? Shouldn’t be hard to find somewhere else to sleep for 2 nights. Friends do friends favors.
Her roommate is giving her a proper heads up with plenty of time to accommodate the request. I don’t find that improper or a huge ask, honestly.
No. Dd pays for the room as well. How tacky can they get? Playing in a dorm room for Valentine’s Day?
They need to get a room. Tell your daughter to use you as an excuse. That you don’t want her back messed up for 2 nights.
Seriously, two nights? Tacky!
Does your D get along well with roommate? Is roommate a decent person who shows respect to D, behaves well, is flexible to D’s requests?
If yes, and this does not turn into a routine, Then D might consider doing this as a one time favor to her roommate.
If Roommate is not friends with D, this request is really a demand, and roommate has a history of being selfish, not sharing in cleaning room, etc., then D can consider politely refusing.
Heck no. Have your DD tell her roommate to get a hotel room.
It’s unfortunate your D didn’t just deal with it when it came up. Did she ask for time to think about it or say yes?
If this were me, I’d follow powercropper’s line of reasoning.
It’s maybe a bit of an overstep, but then again it sounds like a one-time thing, arranged well in advance. I would go with it and work something out, and chalk it up to building a goodwill balance with the roommate if she ever needs a favor in return (whether of the same nature or something different).
I have heard so many horror stories of roommates bringing home random un-vetted Tinder dates without notice or any evident concern for the other occupant(s) of the room. I’d say that something pre-arranged, once or twice in a semester/quarter, is considerate enough to accommodate and, I daresay, appreciate that it’s not worse. It may not be within what you or your daughter would do, but IMHO it’s in the “live and let live” zone, and worth the investment in a roommate relationship where going above and beyond for each other on occasion will pay of in the long run.
No. Roommate should get a hotel room if she requires privacy for intimate moments.
@powercropper she gets along with roommate, who is generally a decent respectful person. However, my DD does not make any requests of Roommate aside from asking her to take turns taking out the trash. DD loans roommate clothes, shares snacks, etc.
DD already vacated room once in the Fall semester and now asked to do so again (by text) and DD has not yet responded to the request. So it seems to be trending towards routine.
Parents and students are going to have very different responses to this question. I think it’s probably not unusual for roommates to do this for each other in college.
I agree that this isn’t an unusual request in college. A compromise would be for your D to not be in the room for a few hours but still be able to sleep in her own bed later in the night.
Well I did it for my roommate 550 years ago. It wasn’t actually a BF though, just a friend visiting from out of town. A hotel would have been a hardship expense for the friend and we really just didn’t have much room to even sleep on the floor in our teeny tiny room. I had a friend with a couch and it wasn’t really a big deal tbh. I think once fall semester and once spring is in the acceptable range. If she really doesn’t have any where to go and/or it becomes chronic, I’d deal with it differently.
I’m not sure how different my Ds would have answered from me. It isn’t their job to make the room more hospitable for their roommate’s boyfriend or their private time. If they cannot afford a hotel room, even after he is traveling from OOS, then they can’t afford to have sex. I don’t really see it any other way, and I’m almost 100% sure neither of my kids would disagree. It’s just a straight rude request imo.
Like @milgymfam, I dont think there is a generational divide on this matter at all. Everyone accepts that they are having sex, they are adults so who cares? It really is a matter of how much to impose on a roommate/friend. I think my kids would be better at standing up for themselves and saying no than I was thirty years ago. Except as a very rare giant favor, it is not a request I would honor. And the same would be true regardless of relationship-maybe a cousin/sibling/friend/lover can visit once every semester for one night, but not regularly.
For the same reason? Sheesh, that’s getting pushy. Where did she stay last time?
I personally would be fine with once but would start to get annoyed at request number two. I’d probably say (in person) something like: “You know, roommate, I gave you the room last time and frankly it was kind of a pain. Is there anywhere else you can both stay?”
@flprepaidmom hit it right on the nose - you’ll get so many different responses, it’s really a simple matter of your kid being honest about her feelings about this with the roommate.
I’d obviously not approach the subject by calling it tacky and rude and disrespectful as some here are doing, because it isn’t uncommon and I bet the roommate doesn’t think she’s stressing this kid out.
They need to have an actual conversation about it.
Tell her to say, “Hey I get it but I need to sleep in my bed/room. I’ll tell ya’ what. I’ll give you three hours each day (Sat. & Sun. or Fri. & Sat.) where I promise I will be out of the room. Just make them three reasonable hours before 10pm. Otherwise maybe you guys want to get a hotel. Let me know.”
This is tough. My initial reaction was no, she shouldn’t have to leave. But then the more I thought about it, the more I was thinking the roommate does seem to be asking for a favor, and it doesn’t seem like something that is happening every weekend. BUT, 2 nights is a lot to ask someone to go sleep on a floor. Could your daughter suggest a compromise - maybe she’ll find a place to sleep one night and the roommate and boyfriend could get a hotel room for the other night?
DD is stressed because she wants to preserve the good relationship with roommate by saying yes. However, the roommate does not realize that by asking DD to sleep elsewhere (twice now) she is doing the opposite. So I’d say she would be resentful.
A hotel would not be a financial burden for roommate, however roommate and BF are religiously conservative, and not “supposed” to be having sex or sleeping together before marriage. Their parents would see the hotel charges on credit cards I assume.
DD prefers to sleep in her own bed, in her own room with her own things. Last semester when she vacated, she went out with friends, made arrangements to sleep on their floor, but ended up loosing them at the party. When she returned to their dorm they were not there and didn’t show up for many hours, DD did not have key to their room. She had nowhere to go in the wee hours of the morning and ended up in the dorm lounge with no blankets or anything, just out in the open.
I agree she should have a conversation and should be open with her feelings. She was asking for my help in how to do this without potentially damaging relationship with roommate.
@Empireapple i do like your approach!