<p>I’m so sorry, Clarimom. What a roller coaster. Is the accompanist absolutely required for the prescreen? Is this for voice? I really feel for you.</p>
<p>Thanks, onekidmama. Yes piano is required, unfortunately. Not voice, clarinet. S is frantically trying to figure out what to do. You’d think there would be a professional accompanist somewhere in a college town who could step in. Oh, boy, in for a few more sleepless nights I’m sure.</p>
<p>Oh yes, sleepless nghts even if it thier job to get it all done. I think it is harder sitting on the sidelines. Sending best wishes. </p>
<p>Have him try churches. Sometimes a church organist can do it since they do a lot of accompaniment and are usually very good pianists. Also if there is a piano major at his school someone there, perhaps a graduate student would work. That is what DD used. They do not have to be professional… Many grad students make extra $ that way.</p>
<p>Thanks Singersmom07. I believe his accompanist is actually a grad student, or is a grad school accompanist. Yes, it is hard being on the sidelines–I would love to just get on phone or internet and start trying to find a pianist for him. But, I think he’s exploring every angle himself on that end. The instrumental accompaniments are not easy–not something even a good pianist can just pick up and play. And the problem is that at the end of the week everyone leaves for Thanksgiving break. So, time is of the essence here, especially since deadlines are almost here. I just keep hoping for a little good news from him one of these days…</p>
<p>Just to update, S was able to get two pieces recorded with his pianist, in spite of the strained hand. The last two pieces are unaccompanied, so no more worries about pianists. Big relief here. Dare I say I might see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel? I think I will sleep much better tonight anyway. :)</p>
<p>Terrific, Clarimom! Our S, who wanted as much time as possible on his Bach, has decided to record the day after Thanksgiving, when he’s home, so he is truly under the wire, which reminds me of the slogan he created for himself on his FB page profile: “Cutting it close since 1992.” Doesn’t seem so funny or cute to me right now.</p>
<p>Clarimom-</p>
<p>First, one suggestion, I appreciate the passion you were writing with, but please break it up into paragraphs, the one paragraph made it very difficult to read, especially to old eyes staring at computer screens to much:)</p>
<p>I don’t think anyone is saying ‘drop the kid off the dock and let them sink’, as parents we will always be there for our kids, or at least I would hope we would be. There is no definitive line between hovering and helping, everyone has different levels, but I appreciate what Mezzo Mom and others were saying. Yes, in music school the kids are incredibly busy, with practicing, orchestra, classwork, etc, and it can be difficult to do that and find time for things like applying to summer programs, or grad school, or sometimes basic things like laundry, eating or getting a hair cut:). </p>
<p>My take is that at the stage you are talking about (and I think is Mezzo’s M as well), that as busy as they are, having a parent remind them of deadlines, chiding them, etc may hurt them more than help. Why? Because it is denying them a basic lifeskill, about time management and about prioritizing things. When they hit grad school, it is not going to be the same as undergrad, and when they are out there in the ‘real world’, even more so. This is their future, and if they are having trouble with time management to get pre screens and such out, if they are procrastinating because they are worried or whatever, and we nag them to do it, they are externalizing what should be internal. To me it is like a student aiming for conservatory admission, where the parents are telling them when to practice, sits in lessons, takes notes, videos the lessons and interacts with the teacher constantly (I am talking a kid 16, 17), it is doing too much they should be doing. </p>
<p>On the other hand, if my S texted me and said “I am really stressed right now, i have a paper due, my ensemble is playing tomorrow night and I have to prepare for studio class tomorrow, and I need to get X piece, it isn’t available locally, can you go to Frank’s music in NYC and get it to me overnight cause I’ll need it ASAP”, I’ll do it, cause I know him, if he says that it means he really, really is pushing the limits. Or if he needed a new coat or whatever and didn’t have time to shop, I would buy him one and have it sent to him, because i know him. Same if he needed a set of strings (though these days, with the internet, you can order strings pretty fast and get them next day)…</p>
<p>If he told me he was bogged down, and asked me to find out information about summer programs and such that are free, I would do work on that, because again, I know he would rather do it himself but is bogged.</p>
<p>On the other hand, I won’t make final decisions for him. If he told me the deadline for grad school is december 1st for prescreen, I would tell him that it needs to be done as a high priority IMO, that if there was something I could do to assist I would, but it will be up to him whether he makes it or not, if he is driving the process and I am assisting that is fine, if I am driving it it isn’t. In theory,a 21 year old should have the kind of skills, especially in music, to be able to sort of what they need to do (assistance is not a problem, not saying they are a solo warrior in Antarctica), prioritize things enough that they can delegate parts if need be, but if they want the parent to take the lead, it is a mistake IMO. </p>
<p>As Mezzo said, grad school is very different from undergrad from what I can tell, and usually a lot of grad students are already starting to prepare for the post grad world (as many undergrads are,too)…so it is really, really important they be able to take charge of all facets of their life at that point, with the parent as assistant and cheerleader and point support. To be honest, if when preparing for grad school my S didn’t seem focused, or able to drive it himself (not likely, he did most of the work with undergrad, with us as support, by his own insistence, and made his own decisions), I would tell him he might not be ready for the next step.</p>
<p>Like I said, it is a fine line, but I think what should guide us as parents is we should be supportive, someone to bounce ideas off of, assist with the little things that come up, but it mostly should be THEM us when it comes to the process and so forth:)</p>
<p>I’m confused-- where is this lonnnng paragraph? (Musicprnt piqued my curiosity!)</p>
<p>Time to repeat the calm message from compmom earlier: “It seems to me that there is more agreement than not on this thread, if you read between the lines.”</p>
<p>I think we should try hard not to chastise each other, even gently, here. I am guessing that we are all terrific parents with kids who are very different, who mature at different rates, who have varying degrees of organizational skill, different living situations and time challenges.</p>
<p>On top of a heavy music and academic load, some kids also have to work to pay for school, as my son does. He’s a terrific kid, and he is maturing. But it doesn’t happen overnight, and he tends to be a little scatterbrained. So what? He’s an excellent student. Teachers love him for his ability to think deeply and originally. He IS putting the applications together on his own, he IS making his own phone calls, getting his own strings and rehairs, etc., and getting through (in mostly good humor, even if he is nervous about the auditions) far busier days than I’ll bet most of us face. I suppose it helps calm my nerves to remind him of this or that from time to time; those reminders (not nagging) are not a big deal in his mind or mine. Now if the apps aren’t in by Dec. 1, it will be on him, not me or my husband, and he will completely understand that.</p>
<p>Well, musicprnt, I’ll take your long post in the spirit it was given. My ‘long’ post of awhile ago was in defense of OP and stradmom who I felt were being ‘chastized’ in a way–and I thought I would present the other side just to keep things balanced. I realize that my post must have bothered you in some way–if you’ll note I did apologize a bit later on in the thread. I think that we are all saying the same thing. But, please note that I in any way was not advocating that we should be making decisions for our adult-age children nor doing things for them that is their responsibility. (Nor do I do any of this). I was merely pointing out that to ask for some advice about how much to push our kids or to go out and buy some strings for them as needed isn’t really hovering. So, I guess I feel your long post clearly directed at me was a bit unfair.</p>
<p>Oh, onekidmama, I have to tell you I laughed out loud at work today when I read your son’s slogan! I loved it. I’m still smiling. Well, you know, some people do their best work when it comes right down to the wire. Hoping for the best for your son with his recording. :)</p>
<p>Cutting it close since 1992.</p>
<p>I love this kid.</p>
<p>Can my daughter borrow this? For that matter, can I (with a year that is a bit earlier)?</p>
<p>And by the way, is anyone else dealing with these same issues (fostering autonomy while also being supportive) with an elderly parent? Between my mother and my kids, I feel that I am becoming an unwitting expert on “boundaries”!</p>
<p>This is a terrific thread - thanks everyone. I think all the parents who are involved enough to even be on CC can relate to the help/hover question, no matter what their child’s intended major. My D is applying to undergrad this year, and we are visiting music progams, talking with faculty, meeting students, etc. I would love to see her take the lead in asking questions & even setting up these meetings, but the fact is that at 17 and as a bit (a lot) of an introvert, she is simply not at a place where she can do this. But I see her comfort level increasing as we go. And once they ask her to sing, she is in her element. Hopefully, when it comes time for grad school, she can draw from this experience.</p>
<p>Best of luck to you all, and you are wonderful for caring so deeply for your kids - they are lucky to have you.</p>
<p>This is a great thread, I am glad to see graduate school subjects being discussed. I totally understand both sides of the coin here. In defense of MM, I think she was truly being the “devil’s advocate”, showing the other side. She truly understands the different personalities of the musician and she has a world of knowledge that can be shared on this forum and some very good advice. </p>
<p>My S went through all of this last year and I can truly say that it is very time consuming in addition to the busy senior year schedule, much organization and planning ahead is needed. The application and audition process needs as much attention as senior year activities. In my opinion, if there is not enough time for serious attention to both, especially in the fall semester, then a gap year should be considered as one option. If not enough attention and care is put in to the application process, the results may not be fruitful in producing a great result. Grad admissions is even more selective than undergrad, full effort should be put in to this process. </p>
<p>That all being taken in to consideration, a large number of students are able to complete this process successfully. The behind the scenes help of a parent is a reassuring thing for these kids, just knowing that you are there to help out when needed and asked. I see no problem of being available to pitch in with some of the little stuff if asked. Personally I offered any help that might be needed, in the end S took very little of it. Some kids need to be poked and prodded more than others, but ultimately they are the ones who have to complete the applications, great pre-screening recordings included. Procrastinators still tend to get things done, this has been a successful approach for them so far and they are unlikely to change. </p>
<p>My S is one of those in his own space. Like many he likes to think that unpleasant business will disappear if he ignores it long enough, but he has learned to be very good at prioritizing and gets things done in a timely manner (I am so proud of him). Instead of “reminding” him, I have taken a different approach in asking questions about where he is in the process and discussing it with him, helping with his plan. Every year there are new and updated applications for summer programs and jobs, this is just a part of the performer’s life. </p>
<p>I am here if anyone has any questions about our process. S ended up with seven applications, most with pre screening, and he made it through successfully even with a fall Senior Recital. </p>
<p>Good Luck to all!</p>
<p>GH-
I was referring to post #8,about the long paragraph:)</p>
<p>Clarinmom-
I only was commenting to you directly on the size of the paragraph, the rest of my post was how I felt about parents aiding or not aiding their kids, it was aimed at the whole discussion, not your post directly:). I apologize if it seemed like it was singling you out, it wasn’t, I promise:)</p>
<p>musicprnt, I’ll be glad to lend you a pair of my reading glasses so that you can read my long paragraphs. 
Since I never could find them, I now have a pair in just about every room of the house. :)</p>
<p>CM-
These days I take my glasses off and I can read just fine, been fighting bifocals (near sighted, been in glasses since I was 15)…but they get tired, must be the ‘short weeks’ around my job, that translate to long hours <em>lol</em>.</p>
<p>It’s been a while, so thought I’d share this one again:</p>
<p>Twas the night past Thanksgiving
And all through the home
Not a creature was stirring
Not even the gnome.</p>
<p>The turkey was eaten
The game had been viewed
We were all in a stupor
From family and food.</p>
<p>The forms had been sent
Neatly filled out
Exuding confidence
And nary a doubt.</p>
<p>The rep list was printed
Summer festivals too
Awards and some prizes
Too many? Too few?</p>
<p>The transcripts were mailed
The teachers all spoke
The required fees
Made us feel broke.</p>
<p>The essays were written
So brilliantly phrased
It felt just a bit
Like we’d been hazed.</p>
<p>Where to be in ten years?
Confront your deepest fear.
Challenges faced.
Visions made clear.</p>
<p>Most significant moment?
Which invention or tool?
How have you saved the world?
Why did you choose this school?</p>
<p>The prescreen recordings were
Stacked on a chair
With hopes that the Fed Ex truck
Soon would be there.</p>
<p>We sat in the darkness
Content with our lot
We’d done all we could
Given it our best shot.</p>
<p>When out of the night
Like a beacon of hope
Came one long, clear sound,
A musical note.</p>
<p>Followed soon by another
And then more and more
The notes filled the darkness
And rolled out the door.</p>
<p>A bow across strings
Breath over reeds
A voice from a throat
Fingers on keys.</p>
<p>A scale, an arpeggio
An etude or two
That orchestral excerpt
The concerto, too.</p>
<p>No more time to relax
Don’t just gaze at the moon.
The applications are done
But auditions come soon!</p>
<p>Thanks, stradmom! What a great poem, and so perfect for right now! I appreciate your posting it.</p>