<p>OK, so I am dreading my 19 yr old daughter coming home for the summer. Why? Not because I don't want to see her, I am thrilled to have her home, but because I know the entire summer is going to be a battle. I know she regularly drinks at college where the town police pretty much look the other way. Here in our home town, the police are like nazis. They will arrest all under-age drinkers at the drop of a hat. I do not want her to have a police record and ruin her career. I do not approve of or allow underage drinking but I cannot stop her if I am not with her. Also, she likes to stay out very late at night when she is at school. I want to impose a curfew at home because I cannot fall sleep until she is safely home and I have health issues and simply cannot stay up all night every night waiting for her to come home. She fights me on this and simply ignores my curfews and refuses to call if she is going to be late. I do not know how to handle the situation. We battled all last summer and I just cannot physically and emotionally do it again. Help!</p>
<p>My father couldn’t fall asleep until he heard the door close and I was sort of a wild child (it was the 70’s) so after a few weeks home they thought it would be a good idea if I went back to Boulder and took a few summer school classes.</p>
<p>LOL emilybee!!! That is a great story.</p>
<p>osushine - I also have the same worries. Somehow we will manage this process…but I expect many bumps along the way.</p>
<p>You are entirely within your rights to impose specific limits on her behavior if she’s going to be living at your house, eating your food, using your car and hot water and electricity and internet, etc. Think of it as taking on a boarder. You set the rules: no drinking; come home at a reasonable hour, etc.</p>
<p>I can’t fall asleep either until D (HS Senior) comes home but usually H is willing to wait up. I have heard that other parents just go to sleep but leave their phone on, with the ringer turned up, so if the child calls, at least you can be contacted.</p>
<p>Advice I culled from CC when DD was home for her first summer after freshman year.</p>
<p>Our DD’s job did not get off till 8pm and often she would want to go out with friends afterwards for dinner/hangout. We asked her to please call by 11pm if she was going to be home after midnight-otherwise we expected her home by midnight. If she was going to be home after midnight we asked if she would by home no later than 2am…and if it was later than 2am, to plan on spending the night-again-letting us know where she was & with whom.
We said IF she were going to drink…to remind her the state law was 21 years old, and there would be negative ramifications if she were caught…and NEVER to Drink and Drive. Instead…if she were to drink, all she needed to do was call, and we would pick her up-no questions asked.
It took a couple of weeks to set this all up, trying out different ideas from CC, however, after some trial and error, this was the final game plan we used that worked for her, and us.
I hope this helps.
~APOL-a Mum</p>
<p>Well emilybee, she needs to to get a summer job to help pay for college so she unfortunately she won’t have time for summer classes.</p>
<p>Classof2015, I agree I have the right to set those limits and I give her those exact arguments that I am paying for everything, it’s my house, etc. Problem is, she ignores the limits I set. I cannot just go to sleep and let her do whatever she wants til all hours of the night. I just can’t turn off my “mother” switch like that. My husband can. He says “Oh well, nothing we can do.” I can’t just pretend the situation doesn’t exist and fall asleep. My daughter has already gotten into trouble several times, so it’s not like I am overreacting here. She is a smart girl but she makes stupid decisions.</p>
<p>But this is what is causing so much trouble between you. She has to feel like it is her life, and her decisions.
I like APOL’s policy a lot. I would go over the rules with your daughter and have the consequences of breaking them clearly spelled out. For my sons, it involves the car. No cooperation, no car keys. I cannot regulate their behavior - I can show them what ramifications bad behavior brings. One of my sons knew a girl from homeroom who drove drunk and, in the ensuing accident, killed her best friend. A few newspaper clippings can help make the same point. You have to break through that mentality they have that they are indestructible, or that they will never regret their actions. This takes time and focus, and you picking the important battles. If you are constantly arguing, it creates enough diversions that she cannot focus beyond her dislike of your meddling, and she will learn to tune you out.</p>
<p>APOL, I like your plan. Unfortunately, it requires the daughter to call and let you know where and with whom she is with. My daughter chooses not to call even though that is the guidelines we have set up. Sometimes she will text us, but frequently she will lie about who she is with or where she is. I have caught her in the lies multiple times. It is frustrating. She says we are ridiculous and smothering and treat her like a child. I say we are just trying to keep her safe. If she doesn’t come home by the curfew time (which we have set as 1am) then she is usually with friends who are also drinking. She refuses offers to pick her up and usually I don’t know where she really is.</p>
<p>It’s your house, you’re the parent, you set the rules. She needs to be respectful of your rules and more than that, respectful for you in general and come home at a reasonable time (since you’re unable to be comfortable if she doesn’t), call or text if something comes up interfering with the plans, etc. Having her coming home at a reasonable time and notify you if something comes up such that she can’t isn’t an outrageous request and the same would apply to any member of the household including you, the W, H, grandma, guests, etc. - i.e. if she was expecting you to be home at a particulr time in the night and you were going to be way late then you’d let her know so she wouldn’t worry about you. Explain that to her - that it’s not just her and it goes both ways. She needs to understand that point. This isn’t just something being imposed on her because she’s your kid and it’s not about her ‘adulthood’ or not. She needs to understand what being respectful means. </p>
<p>I agree that there should be consequences if she doesn’t abide. Hopefully it won’t get to that point.</p>
<p>The tack to take here might be to say that you understand she is an adult now, and you don’t get to dictate her decisions. But adults act with respect towards other adults, and act with maturity and common sense. That means calling/texting if she’s going to be out after a certain time or if she’s going to spend the night at someone’s house. It also means not drinking and driving, ever. Mature adults should not ever make the decision to put their life and the lives of others at risk. Also, adults take responsibility for their actions. So if she gets arrested or in trouble, you will not be coming to her rescue, so she needs to think about this when she’s deciding things. </p>
<p>Essentially, you’re not going to be able to stop her from drinking and you’re probably not going to be able to stop her from hanging out with people you would rather she didn’t hang out with or doing things you rather she would not do. If you impose a strict curfew (you must be home by XX time every night) she’s going to push against that and ignore it. If you try something a little more lenient like (I know you’re going to be out late this summer, but please text me by 11 if you’re planning on spending the nigh somewhere else or if you think you’ll be home after 2). I think it’s normal to worry, but all you’ll succeed in doing by setting strict limits is upsetting yourself. </p>
<p>One of the challenges I found when I came home from my first year away from school is that I had changed a lot while I was at school, but in my parent’s eyes I was frozen in time the way that I had been when I left for school in the fall. They didn’t share in my experiences and weren’t there to observe all the growing up I did over the past year, they just thought that the way I was in September, would be the way I was in June. We had a lot of friction over that when I first got home for the summer, but eventually we learned to let go of the person I used to be (the person they thought I still was) and accept the person that I had become at college. Likewise, you’re going to have to understand that your daughter has spent a year living for herself. Just as you cannot turn off the “Mother” switch, she is not going to be able to turn off the “1 year of semi-independent living” switch. Best advice is to give her some more space and be a bit more flexible, while still maintaining some reasonable “let us know where you are so we don’t worry” rules.</p>
<p>This is not really a question about how to deal with a college freshman home over the summer. We have lots of those threads - they are growing up, want more freedom and we have to figure out how to give them that freedom and show them how to be courteous/respectful once they have it. There are ideas above of how to do that, and I have some more.</p>
<p>But that is not really the OP’s problem. The OP’s real question is how to deal with a college freshman who is a problem - with her choice of friends, with drinking too much, with drinking and driving, with refusal to show courtesy and respect to her parents.</p>
<p>It is POSSIBLE that she will do a partial (or better) turnaround if the OP changes how she treats her daughter. Perhaps allowing the D to choose/discuss a reasonable curfew, telling her that you realize she is now an adult and should have more freedom… will bring her to the table and allow you to develop a plan that will work.</p>
<p>It is also possible that she will remain uncooperative and disrespectful.</p>
<p>Alternatives in that case: (1) consequences to her behavior - taking away car use other than for work; reducing allowance (if she has one); I’m sure you and we can think of others. (2) she makes other living arrangements for the summer - so that she is living away just as when she is at college; you still won’t know whether she’s out when/where you don’t want her to be and doing what you don’t want her to do - but you don’t at college either, so presumably you can sleep. This will likely cost her, unless she can live free with a friend. Fine, that’s a consequence and she’ll have that many fewer $$ to drink and party with over the summer and when at school.</p>
<p>“One of the challenges I found when I came home from my first year away from school is that I had changed a lot while I was at school …”</p>
<p>Yup, that was the very first thing I noticed when DD arrived home following her first year at her OOS university. It greatly simplified the guidelines I’d originally planned. We ended up with the same guidelines as APOL … which basically boils down to common courtesy. That worked well, and it was gratifying to see how much my daughter had grown in just her first year away.</p>
<p>It seems that the OP’s D might fail HER common courtesy “exam.” I hope that turns out not to be the case, for everyone’s sake.</p>
<p>The drinking and driving would concern me the most because it endangers her and others. She’ll be able to stay out late and get up to work, or is it mostly weekend partying? You may have to choose your battles. . . and figure out how you are going to get to sleep.</p>
<p>If she is going out in the evening, what about insisting that she take a cab? I would also want to know by 10 or 11 at night the final plans for the evening since I wouldn’t want to think that someone was breaking into my house in the wee hours of the morning!</p>
<p>What a lot of stress. I’m not there yet as DD is still in HS and doesn’t <em>party</em> although she has friends who do. Assuming our kids will eventually have children, let us hope we will be around when they have to deal with the growing pains of their own kids! Karma kickback!!!</p>
<p>You have all offered some valid points. Smithie, you are right, she is not the same person who left my house last summer. In high school she was a straight A student with high morals and for the most part, a respect for our home and our rules. The summer after she graduated she started to change dramatically. She went to school OOS and has pretty much been making poor decisions ever since. She has a “C” avg, parties regularly and I have strong suspicions that she has hooked up with virtual strangers when in her drunken state. So the thought of her “maturing” over the year hasn’t happened. I agree jmmom that maybe the problem is really that she has become a problem child and I don’t know how to deal with that. Somehow I think that if I put restraints on her, it will somehow keep her safe, but I’m sure it just causes her to rebel more. I fear that simply letting her go will yield catastophic results. She already got in trouble at school for drinking and has gotten in trouble with the police here at home (although no charges were ever filed) and she almost got herself raped on at least one occasion. She doesn’t seem to ever see the danger in her behavior until it is done and even then she doesn’t change it. </p>
<p>I would love to set some of the above guidelines and have the “adult” conversation about respect, etc. but we have done that and she ignores it all. I have thought about telling her she can’t live at home but my husband doesn’t agree. We have fought over how to handle her repeatedly and it only puts a strain on our relationship.</p>
<p>Sure, you are within your rights in your own home, etc.</p>
<p>But if you want your daughter to keep coming home, and if you want to have a good relationship with her, I suspect you need to compromise your rules some. A lot. It’s OK to worry and to advise, but it may not be effective in the long run to turn your worries and advice into hard-and-fast rules. And it’s awful that your daughter lies to you, but sometimes if you don’t want her to lie you need to not ask her for information you don’t actually need. The lies are going to endanger your relationship – from both sides – far more than anything that might happen because you don’t know exactly what she is doing.</p>
<p>I like APOL’s rules. (I think I was part of the crowd suggesting various pieces of them.) Read between the lines of her post – everything didn’t go smoothly at first. There was a process of adjustment, but because both parents and daughter saw that the other was actually trying to accommodate a little they were able to work things out.</p>
<p>True, your daughter has to get used to being home again and to respecting you. But, in the long run, you have to start getting used to the reality that the entire basis of your relationship with her up until now is about to vanish forever. You were all-powerful, the educator, the decider, the rule-maker. In a very short while, you will be the not-powerful-at-all, and whether you have a good relationship with your daughter will depend on her willingness to maintain it, because she will not really need you as much as you need her. So start working on the long-term plan, and make her feel like she has your respect and consideration, especially if she treats you that way, too.</p>
<p>OK, so if I relax my rules, what does that mean? I let her stay out all night if she wants? Let her come home drunk whenever she wants? I have asked her to call or let me know where she is (which is the basis of APOL’s rules) but in the past she has not adhered to those simple requests. What do I do when she doesn’t keep her end of our agreement?</p>
<p>Whose car does she drive? Who pays for the insurance and any service or repairs?</p>
<p>If you are making it possible for her to drive to work or social events, I’d use that as the primary bargaining chip. Forgot to call at the agreed-upon time, or come home 45 minutes late with calling? Then she can’t have the car the next time she wants it. I never had to enforce this with my kids - the possibility of doing without a car was dire enough to insure their cooperation.</p>
<p>I agree that a relaxation of the rules is in order if you want to have any possibility of enjoying the upcoming summer. No one is suggesting that you let her stay out all night, or certainly “come home drunk whenever she wants.” I know just how you feel about being unable to sleep soundly until everyone is home or safely accounted for. But I extended the curfew (for want of a better word) beyond my comfort zone on weeknights, and well beyond it on weekends, so that my kids would feel they weren’t still in high school and accountable to us for their every move. They knew I couldn’t sleep well until they were in and were surprisingly considerate about it.</p>
<p>We found it helpful to have an open discussion at the very beginning of summer break, hear what the kids were expecting and/or hoping for in terms of curfews, car use, and responsibilities at home, and work out some compromises for all. I have always had better luck working with my kids than against them. Good luck - so glad that we’re all but done with the “home from college” bit.</p>
<p>
You can’t change her behavior. Only she can change her behavior. But you can establish incentives (positive) or consequences (negative) in the hopes of influencing her behavior.</p>
<p>So… you remove car privileges, for example, (consequence) if she drives irresponsibly or comes home at unacceptable times. Or, you tell her how important it is to you not to worry and to be able to sleep and get adequate rest. Since she hasn’t responded to that before, you can offer an incentive: something she wants ($, gift…) if she adheres to the curfew and calls you when she will be coming home later than established hour. Make it something small if she does so for a few days or a week. Something larger if she does it for a month/the whole summer.</p>
<p>You can, of course, change your behavior - although it may be difficult. This can include relaxing your rules to something which she feels recognizes her adult status; dealing with her in different ways. It can also include getting help so that you can sleep when she is out for the evening.</p>
<p>Many parents say “I can’t sleep if my child is out for the evening, until they are home safe.” Others of us don’t have that problem… so it is something you can change in yourself. Being able to sleep while your child is out does not make us lesser parents who care less about our children’s welfare. </p>
<p>For some of us, we are just lucky. I could sleep when my S went out, but if I happened to wake up and he wasn’t home (after midnight) I would worry. So we had an arrangement that he would call if he would be later than midnight. I wanted to sleep, so I would keep my cell phone off or on silent - but if I woke up I could check it. This kind of thing works if there is mutual respect - which is what you are aiming for.</p>
<p>Others aren’t so lucky - they just “can’t” sleep due to worry, fearing disaster scenarios. But this is a changeable behavior, and it is your own behavior; so you can change it. Might require outside assistance, but you can do it.</p>
<p>When we parents hear someone say “I can’t sleep until my child is home safe”, we totally get it. When your older teen hears that, s/he feels you are just being unreasonable and infantilizing her. So it’s not the kind of argument that will convince a disrespectful teen to comply with your requests. </p>
<p>You need a different tack.</p>
<p>OK, so I will try to relax my curfew and TRY to sleep when she is out. It is easy when she is away at college because I know the town police pretty much look the other way and she does not have a car there, so she pretty much walks everywhere. Here at home the town police are unbelievably strict and a car is required to go anywhere. </p>
<p>As everyone has suggested, last summer I did take the car away as punishment for abusing curfew. She just found rides with friends and then used them as an excuse for why she couldn’t make it home on time (They didn’t want to leave a party, nobody would drive her home, etc.). I always offered to pick her up but she always refused. </p>
<p>Just as a side note, I did not have any of these difficulties with my other children (the daughter I am dealing with now is my youngest). The others always respected their parents, our curfews or phone call courtesies, so I guess that’s part of why I am reluctant to change my rules cause it seems like because of my daughter’s bad behavior, I am giving her more latitude than I did the other kids. </p>
<p>I know there is no perfect solution because so many of the solutions offered by everyone require her consideration to call, etc which she has not done in the past. I will attempt the positive reinforcement method since taking away the car hasn’t solved anything in the past either. Maybe a miracle will occur and she will magically mature! A mother can dream.</p>
<p>LOL emilybee that was going to be my exact advise! I like the way your parents think :-)</p>