Dealing with Parents that are Less-Than-Supportive of College Plans

Parents Forum
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<p>Ultimately, the decision is up to me to decide what I want to do with my plans in college. However, my family isn't very supportive of my plans that I presented to them.</p>

<p>My university orientation is in a few weeks and I've been frantically trying to figure out how I'm going to get to orientation since it is required. I have my own car to drive me from place to place, but when I decided to talk to my parents about my plans to go down to orientation, they advised me that I shouldn't drive myself down there because my car is actually in no condition to drive such a distance. They were willing to repair my car at their own expense, but they could not do so until payday which isn't until after my orientation. I asked them if they'd be willing to perhaps take me down there themselves, but both of my parents work and were not keen on the idea of taking the day off to take me down there.</p>

<p>I was met with the question, "Why? What's down there that's so special?" I tried explaining to my parents that I decided that's where I want to go to college this fall. I've been planning on attending there for over a year now, but have slowly been coming to the realization that this particular university is one of my only two options (primarily because of affordability). My parents then asked, "Well, if you go down there, what are you going to major in?" I told them I was going to major in math. Their next question was, "What do you plan to do with your degree?" I unfortunately did not have a good answer for this question and told them I was not particularly sure about my post-college plans. "What makes you want to major in math?"</p>

<p>My rationale on why I want to major in math is poorly constructed: mainly, I was offered (and already accepted) an almost full-tuition/fees scholarship (within $100). I'd also like to think I'm fairly decent in math since I've got an associate's degree in mathematics in which I've completed most computational-based math subjects and one proof-based math class with a 4.0 GPA. I felt like this offer was just too good to pass up on, even if it was just to major in math.</p>

<p>The rest of me talking to my parents about going to this university in the fall was just lots of reasons why I shouldn't go:
- My post-university goals were not realistic or even concrete--that I'm probably only going to get a job as a teacher.
- That other family members that have tried going off to college have all tried and failed. Instead, the family members that just went to a cheaper university here in our hometown were the ones that succeeded.
- That if I lived in the dorms (which is what I planned to do), I'd be living in close proximity to students there that only want to party.
- That from their experience with going and visiting other family members who lived in the dorms, it was just loud music the entire time they were there.
- That I'd get sick of things like the residence hall showers, campus dining halls, etc.</p>

<p>I've stayed in my university's dorms multiple times when I was back in high school for summer camp. I could handle it then, but it was only a week-long experience each time that I went. Of course, students more well-behaved during the summer camp because we were threatened with getting sent home immediately if we started a disturbance in the residence halls. More importantly, a whole semester vs. a whole week are two different animals.</p>

<p>My parents don't have their own degrees--they recognize the importance of college, but their overall message they were telling me was that I needed to be a little more realistic. They will not be contributing money to my college efforts if I decide to leave for college in the fall. I knew this already and told them I'd be paying for myself entirely, but they both looked a little doubtful.</p>

<p>Rather, they both suggested I could just commute from home to a much cheaper, nearby college here in our own city. Cheaper most definitely, and I could major in math there as well, but it wasn't what I'd planned. Why don't I just stay home, save money and major in math from home? Math faculty from my community college have recommended that I don't if I want to continue on into a good grad school. Plus, I decided I would actually switch my major to engineering if I stayed home.</p>

<p>All in all, I should reiterate that the decision is mine and mine only, but after having this discussion with my parents, I'm just not feeling confident about my choices anymore. I keep thinking that maybe they'll be right and I won't like going off to college all on my own--that maybe majoring in math might not be such a good idea to be wasting my time on. Prior to talking to them about my plans, I was feeling almost sure I wanted to follow through with my plans, but now I think my psyche has been poisoned with a significant amount of doubt. I feel like that if a family doesn't support such a major decision like this, then you're not encouraged to do as well since you don't have a support network. I posted this in the parents forum to mainly gauge what other parents think: what suggestions they might have to either convince my parents or myself what I would want to do. Or even give insight as to their experience with their own kids.</p>

<p>Comments? Suggestions? Complaints? Thanks for your time.</p>

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<p>The nearby college costs less than $100 per year all-in (including any costs your parents sustain from your use of food, utilities, etc. at home)? If I were your parent and did not have any money to contribute to your college, I’d want you to take the full ride.</p>

<p>As far as what to do with a math major, the most math-specific jobs tend to be in finance or actuarial areas, high school math teaching, or college / university level teaching and research in math. Some math majors adapt relatively easily to jobs in computers. Appropriate elective choices would be helpful for any of the career directions. High school teaching would require a teaching credential as well, and college / university level teaching and research in math would require a PhD.</p>

<p>How far is the college’s orientation, and what might be a problem with the car? Is the orientation really required, or are there alternative distance orientation programs available for students who cannot easily get to the orientation?</p>

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<p>@ucbalumnus if I can be less general, the university that’s giving me an almost full-tuition scholarship is Texas Tech University. I don’t live in Lubbock and my parents aren’t very supportive of me going there, which is what this thread is mainly about.</p>

<p>University B (which I won’t disclose its name because it too easily identifies where I live and who I am) is the one I could commute to from home. I wouldn’t be getting a full-ride there because the school offers very little merit aid. I’d live from home in this case. But it would be cheaper since it would only cost me personally about $2,000 each semester out-of-pocket</p>

<p>Also, the college orientation is about 3 hours away by-car (one-way). Reportedly, the issue with my car is that the tires on it are old and my parents don’t want me driving out of town with them since they wouldn’t easily be able to help me if the tires die on me elsewhere–they’d have to drive out themselves to come get/assist me in I experienced roadside trouble, which it would be easier on them if they only had to drive 10 minutes in-city rather than 3 hours and attempt to find me in an unfamiliar city.</p>

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<p>Oh, full tuition, not full ride. In that case, the TTU remaining cost is about $10,000 (room+board+books only) to $15,000 (including transportation and misc cost estimate) per year, which would be quite a stretch to self-fund.</p>

<p>In that case, $4,000 per year if your parents cover your at-home living costs is a much easier amount to cover (direct loan or Pell grant or small amount of work earnings). Does it have the course offerings for your academic interests in math and whatever else?</p>

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<p>@ucbalumnus I’m actually an idiot. I should say that attending University B would be (on average) $2,000 a YEAR because of a special honors-only discount that I KNOW I qualify for (and have been offered several times, but never accepted).</p>

<p>I have money saved up so that I wouldn’t have to work if I went to either university. I’ve been doing major planning for both and made sure that I wouldn’t be stressing over a 20+ hrs/wk part-time job and full-time school when I hit my junior and senior years of university. Attending University B would mean that I would come out with no student loan debt and have savings to start a life after graduation. Attending Texas Tech University, I would come out with very little student loan debt (under 5k expected) but no savings since it would financially drain my resources.</p>

<p>University B has a very small math program, and as such it has a VERY strict and narrow course selection since they don’t have enough students to really offer anything. (I think the math department has less than 20 students majoring in math). Thus, I don’t know if I’d get the breadth of what I’d want to get out of a math degree from University B.</p>

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<p>Looks like you have thought through the cost and academic implications of each school. Good.</p>

<p>But it does seem like there is some unstated conflict here. Is it possible that your parents don’t want you to leave home, but are not saying it directly?</p>

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<p>@ucbalumnus My family has gone through sending off one child to college already. A few years back, my sister actually was going to Texas Tech for something like Biology (I don’t remember what it was). They were hesitant on letting her go just because it was such a faraway place that if she ever ran into car trouble or personal injury, they wouldn’t be able to easily help her. Of course when I talked to them earlier, they tried using her experience at Texas Tech as leverage in our conversation as to why I shouldn’t go: she dropped out after only a year because of financial issues.</p>

<p>That’s why I’ve done so much financial planning beforehand because I don’t want to fall to the same fate my sister did–I’m in too deep in my college education to back out and I want to finish.</p>

<p>I’m just thinking the reason they want me to consider staying at home is just to save money–not waste money on something I could do from home.</p>

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<p>The conflict is that it appears that your parents don’t want you to go to TTU, but their reasoning as you understand it does not make a lot of sense, perhaps implying that their real reasons may not be the ones that they are stating to you. That they have so little confidence in you (believing that you will fail in college like the relatives despite having a 4.0 GPA in college courses up to now) is disturbing.</p>

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<p>@ucbalumnus see my updated post above if you haven’t already.</p>

<p>I guess to say the very least, they really didn’t explicitly say “No, DON’T” to me going to college at TTU, but rather the whole conversation earlier just seemed to be coercion to not go. I’ve even had the same conversation with my sister since she went to TTU, but it wasn’t anymore helpful and was basically the same coercion tactic. I’m sure they’re not all in on some devious plan to have me not go since I talked to my sister first several months ago, but their responses and reasonings were basically all the same: to not go.</p>

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<p>Why can’t you use some of your savings to get new tires (maybe your parents can pay you back after payday), go to the orientation, and then see how you feel? Also, what’s the harm in trying it for one semester and see how it goes?</p>

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<p>@Sweetbeet My parents suggested that, if absolutely desperate, I could just pay for the tires myself and they would pay me back after payday, but unfortunately, I accidentally screwed myself over with my frugalness. I don’t like keeping a very large amount in my checking account for personal safety reasons, and I tend to just transfer money from savings when I run out of money in my checking account. My bank has a monthly limit of 5 account transfers and I’ve already exhausted those for the month. The amount in my checking account and the bank’s daily limit for physical cash-withdrawals on my account requires withdrawal over several days just to probably get the amount required for new tires. I’d have to find out if I could switch the restrictions, but I can’t remember if the restrictions were hard-set by bank policy or if I had the option of opting out. </p>

<p>And I suppose the harm in trying it for one semester and seeing how I feel afterwards would just be that IF I don’t like it and want to transfer out, I’d have trouble completing meaningful coursework at a different university since at University B, because it’s such a small university, important classes are only offered once a year.</p>

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<p>Is there a bus or train you can take?</p>

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<p>Can you trade cars with your parents for the duration of the trip?</p>

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<p>Take the bus. Or get a friend to drive you to orientation.</p>

<p>I’m assuming you are covering ALL the remaining costs to attend TTU. Is that correct (room, board books, personal expenses…since your aid covers tuition and fees). </p>

<p>If you are expecting your parents to pay for your room and board costs, and they can’t or won’t, then you will have to make a hard decision.</p>

<p>The reason you need to go to orientation…it is required. Do they understand this part?</p>

<p>Also, it’s almost August. When did this disagreement come up?</p>

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<p>Go on social media and see if anyone from your area is going to the orientation and wants to carpool, with you helping pay for gas. Take a bus, or busses, or a train. Pay a friend to drive you. See if you can split the cost of the tires with your parents. </p>

<p>You have done a lot of good planning to get this far. Buck up, and don’t let your parents’ worrying sap your confidence. You can do this.</p>

<p>And btw, how much tread is left on your tires? Have you tested it with a quarter? Do cars get inspected in Texas?</p>

<p>I think it is time for you to leave the nest.</p>

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<p>Can you pay for the tires with a credit card? Then pay off the credit card when the bill comes later, taking advantage of the grace period so that you can transfer the money.</p>

<p>An excess transfer would probably result in a fee – check your bank’s account terms.</p>

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<p>I have looked and I can’t quite find a bus or train that can take me down to orientation that get me there in a timely manner. I can continue to look, but just getting down to orientation is only one of my problems. </p>

<p>@thumper1 I expect and intended to cover all of the remaining costs for TTU but my parents just seem doubtful that I can. I told them orientation was required but it really didn’t seem to affect their thought process.</p>

<p>And I understand it’s almost August. But my parents aren’t really the type to support me going to college in the first place. The whole reason this conversation came up is because I decided to just tell them that I was going to go down to orientation. I have not mentioned it before just because I knew their reaction would be the same as this. I know it seems a little irresponsible of me to be planning to go off to college somewhere and say nothing about it to anyone until about a month before I’m leaving, but what are we going to do? Primarily I’m deciding late because I got my financial aid package late from all of my university choices. But let’s focus on the options now rather than scrutinize me on what I could have done better.</p>

<p>Sorry if my response is dry–I’m typing this from my phone.</p>

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<p>Also, can you go to the bank and with draw the needed amount of currency from you savings account, *in person<a href=“not%20ATM”>/i</a>? That may get around the number of transactions limit and the withdrawal limit that is more common with ATM withdrawals than with in person withdrawals.</p>

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<p>Yes…go to the bank in person. There has to be a way to get the money. If you have to pay a fee, so be it. (But make sure you really need new tires before you do it!)</p>

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<p>OP…CAN you actually cover all the costs for room, board, books, and personal expenses out of your savings…for all four years?</p>

<p>How do people from your town get to larger cities without driving? Get to the nearest larger town, and take a bus from there. </p>