Dealing with Parents that are Less-Than-Supportive of College Plans

Parents Forum
121

<p>A bit of an update. </p>

<p>I enrolled in another university under engineering like I said, and I guess I’m doing alright. But I’m just not “feeling” it right now. I have extreme lack of motivation. Not because engineering doesn’t interest me, but I’m still eyeing those scholarships down at Texas Tech.</p>

<p>I’m failing some classes, simply because I registered for classes two weeks late and the professors cannot allow me to make anything up. Is it advisable to save myself the academic tumble and drop now while I have the chance? I’ll just feel somewhat embarrassed to my friends who went to this university since it’s in the same town as my community college I went to; I’ll feel embarrassed about how I said I wasn’t coming to this university, then I said I was, then I said I wasn’t, and then I enrolled these last few days saying I was… I just feel like I’m going to experience too much shame dropping out. They’ve all told me, “Oh don’t worry, you won’t have a hard time catching up.” Thus, they have higher expectations of me to actually catch back up but if I withdraw now, I’ll feel like I’ve failed their expectations. I guess that’s just my personality.</p>

<p>Again, I still have one more day to drop without creating an academic record, and I’m probably going to take it. I just thought I would ask some parents about what they thought so that I might be able to make more of an informed decision.</p>

122

<p>Camera, you need to take a deep breath and stop spinning like a top.</p>

<p>Go find someone in academic advising at the current university you are in. The Dean of the engineering school is a good place to start- find out who advises students like you with problems like yours.</p>

<p>Stop dropping, enrolling, withdrawing, starting, leaving. And for heaven’s sake, stop worrying about what anybody else thinks. Shame? Embarrassment? Did you hold up a liquor store? No? Well then fine- nothing to feel shameful about.</p>

<p>You are driving yourself into a lose-lose position with all this back and forth. Go see an advisor, lay all your cards on the table in terms of where you are, what got you there, what you gave up at Texas Tech, and let a professional help you get your education underway.</p>

<p>Stop trying to please other people. The only person in this equation that matters is you.</p>

123

<p>DO NOT stay at the university. Withdraw. You’ll lose your scholarships at Texas Tech if you don’t withdraw!
Please don’t sabotage yourself by staying, losing your scholarships, not doing your major, AND failing!</p>

<p>Right now, this is what you must do:
SAY STOP to that mess. Your decision was to attend Texas Tech. You did everything you could. And then you let yourself be discouraged and everything fell apart. You have to get back on track.</p>

<ul>
<li>Withdraw from the university where you’ve been told (many times, including by your professors last year, who know you and know the university in question) not to register. </li>
</ul>

<p>You’re not dropping out. Who said something like that? You’re vaguely hanging out on a campus hoping to get back to Texas Tech. Stopping the “hanging out” and moving on to the next step is what you must do. It’s not like you’re actually attending this college and want to stay there.
You’re following a specific path, which requires you to attend Texas Tech. That’s not dropping out. Dropping out would be staying at that college that doesn’t allow you to get to the career you’re ready for.</p>

<p>Anyway, who cares what they say? Once you’re well-established in a job, 4 years from now, thanks to your math degree from Texas Tech, NO ONE (and I do mean “no one”, as in, zero) will remember what happened for two weeks all these years ago. Seriously, how much do you remember that happened in another family the first week of September 2009?</p>

<ul>
<li><p>Pack carefully but thoroughly. Drive to Lubbock and find an apartment to share with someone (student or non student). And don’t tell us there are ZERO appartments in a city the size of Lubbock.</p></li>
<li><p>Find a job. Work. Set money aside. Don’t worry about the people in your town. </p></li>
<li><p>Contact Texas Tech to make sure your scholarships can be reinstated in the Winter. Explain where you live and where you work for now. Start going to campus and get familiar with everything. Make sure you know when you must place a deposit for housing, when you can register, etc. You could even audit some classes, sit in on them if you have permission from the professor (perhaps classes you’d like to take next semester).</p></li>
</ul>

124

<p>Camera- any updates?</p>

125

<p>@blossom‌ </p>

<p>I have sought help from a professional psychologist/counselor, however I’ve only had one session thus far. It seems to have helped, but I worry a little bit that it might only just be the placebo effect at play. In the interim, I’ve honestly thought about changing my major once again to something I feel like I might like: something along the lines of computer programming and/or software engineering. I have taken one programming class previously and was less-than-satisfied with the presentation of the material as it seemed more like the teacher just didn’t care. But when I was growing up, I actually found an interest in computer programming and attempted to learn C++ when I was about 12 or 13. I didn’t have the mathematical background at that age to really understand some of the technical jargon, but I feel like I do now. The problem with my predicament is that Texas Tech won’t accept any of the programming classes from my community college because they’re not on the same level of rigor. I feel like I would enjoy computer programming, but the issues of finances and transferring in the spring arise most prominently. As I’ve found out, I can still keep my scholarship in the spring for math, but I’ve contacted some departments at Texas Tech and they claim that any scholarships available in the spring are only offered if anything is leftover.</p>

<p>I’m kind of wasting my life away at home, but I really don’t feel up to the task of really doing anything else. I suppose I have the most ideal conditions of taking a semester off, but for the most part I really haven’t done much. It feels like a decompressionary period. Before I was headed off to Texas Tech, I had a job but I quit it since I was going to be in Lubbock this fall. Now that things changed, I really haven’t looked for another job. My parents are kind of annoyed that I haven’t, but again mentally I don’t feel up to the task. That’s going to be counseling session number two.</p>

<p>I can’t remember if I mentioned it, but I am taking some classes at my community college this fall. But they’re online and they’re fluff courses. I wish spring would hurry up and get here. I’ve got a countdown for the days remaining and it’s just the most agonizing thing to look at because of how many days are left (100 days).</p>

<p>I wish I could fast-forward everything and make it next fall–that way, I got guaranteed chances for final aid from all departments. But what are ya gonna do?</p>

126

<p>What an interesting tale! What are you going to do? Here is a list of seven specific things, plus others:</p>

<p>1) Contact the Dean for Student Affairs and tell him/her your whole story. Have him bird-dog the housing issue and ensure that you get priority enrollment for your classes. TTU did not step up to the plate to welcome you in the fall. Make sure he understands full well why you are not currently sitting in a chair in a TTU classroom- the roadblocks and hurdles you were single-handedly dealing with. The Dean for Student Affairs can direct the resources to help you out and can hold all the departments (housing, Math department, financial aid & scholarships) accountable, and may be able to get discretionary funds shifted around to make good on all your scholarships in the spring. Don’t go to each tentacle of the octopus- the Dean for Student Affairs can coordinate things and can put some power behind it. First-in-family to attend college, CC transfer, 4.0. You WILL get action!
2) Check out the AoPS online community and forums. They have excellent proof-based training. Look into WOOT. Maybe check out the USAMTS problems (<a href=“http://www.usamts.org)-”>www.usamts.org)-</a> the first round problems were just released this week.
3) Ask the Dean for Student Affairs about credit by exam at TTU for the course(s) that did not transfer from your CC due to lack of rigor. Get the textbook and self-study for the test(s). Take the test(s) on day 1 of spring term. Ask about being paired up with a faculty mentor to engage you in research. Tell the Dean your goal is to continue on for a PhD (only if it’s true- I believe you said that was your goal).
4) Check into additional scholarships through rotary, Lions Club, etc. (and fastWeb) and apply for them.
5) Check into REU’s and make a plan for applying to them. There are tons- figure out which ones you would like to go for. Line up 2 letters of recommendation from CC professors. Give them time to figure out what an REU is and to write a good letter (i.e. why not ask now?) These are summer research opportunities which come with room, board, travel funds, and stipends (they are “summer jobs” for ~8 weeks doing math). Look up Nat’l Science Foundation Research Experiences for Undergraduates (REU).
6) Purchase Zeitz “The Art and Craft of Problem Solving” and study it, dog-ear it, and make it your best friend.
7) Check out EDx and take a math course (either to fulfill item #3, or to learn something new).</p>

<p>Have fun! Find joy. Celebrate. Spend time with friends. Be happy.
:)</p>

127

<p>Cameraphone, thank you so much for the update.
This has been a very trying time for you and you must feel crushed.
ItsJustSchool above is right and has lots of good advice, starting with writing to the Dean of Students.
If you’re not sure how it’s done, PM your draft to some adults here, I’m sure they’ll be glad to help. (I will).
Take advantage of MOOCs and get back into learning.
Then, once you feel a bit better, go out and look for a job so that you can meet people outside your family and set money aside to do something you’ll enjoy.
Keep us updated, we’re all rooting for you!</p>

128

<p>Contact the Dean of Students as soon as possible. Tell them as much as you can.
It is 100% their job to help each and every student, on an individual basis if necessary.</p>

129

<p>A few of you guys are suggesting to contact the Dean of Students. I can totally do that, but I’m not sure what to say really. I can explain my predicament, but where should I start and what should I incorporate and what should I not incorporate into my plea?</p>

<p>I hate to sound like I need my hand held to do this, but I don’t fully understand what the dean will do. The dean sounds like someone who’s already busy enough who wouldn’t have time to help me.</p>

<p>Thanks for your input.</p>

130

<p>The dean’s one and only job is to make sure that the student is served and roadblocks are removed. Each and every student. It is an office. If they are too busy for you, then the dean should be fired or retire. He exists only for you. The thing is; on a campus like this, the entire school exists only because of you- the undergraduate student. Without you, there would be no non-profit status; not property tax break, not government block grants. You have more power than just about anyone affiliated with the school. Believe me, they fully understand this, and they have created the position of “Dean for Student Affairs” to ensure the school’s existence. If qualified, 4.0, students stop coming because they can’t find housing, they can’t get into classes, or they are afraid their scholarships won’t be funded, the school is not fulfilling its mission. This is unacceptable.</p>

<p>Tell your story to the Dean for students. Ask him to hook you up with a research advisor and get you working on research immediately (like TODAY) and a path towards a PhD, sort your housing, hook you up with an academic advisor and priority enrollment, and do what he can with getting your scholarships fully funded (and perhaps extended a semester to take you to the end of Spring 2017), and get you advice on credit by exam so you don’t have to sit through stultifying classes you have already mastered. In reality, all you will need to do is to tell him your story and ask if there is any help he can give you. He will <em>automatically</em> probably offer all of these things. If not, gently prompt him that these are the things you would really appreciate some help with.</p>

<p>People want you to succeed. One does not work for a university and not really want to advocate for capable, motivated students. Everyone is on your side. It will be fine. Simply call up and tell your story.</p>

<p>And know that you are intrinsically a good person and that this could be the best time of your life. All will be fine. It is your duty to enjoy life right now and feel free to explore. Everybody- your family, the school- Everybody wants the best for you. Tell your story and trust in the outcome.</p>

<p>Takeaway: Call the dean and tell him your story- all of it. Incorporate everything, the whole story. Your only plea is “can you help me” (plus gentle nudges in ways you would like help). Don’t take on everything yourself, allow others to help you. That is what they are there for.</p>

<p>Oh, and if it’s not too late, drop all of your fluff courses and replace them with “credit by exam” preparation courses and/or study that furthers your intended path- even if they are non-credit or self study.</p>

131

<p>I contacted the Dean via e-mail, and plan to follow up with phone calls if necessary. I tried explaining as thoroughly as possible, so I guess we’ll find out what happens pretty soon.</p>

132

<p>Update… I’m pressing and kinda not getting anywhere just yet.</p>

<p>I tried contacting the Dean multiple times over the last couple of weeks and heard nothing back. I sent another reply this afternoon and the Dean actually did reply. However, it was tangential to what I expected: The Dean included someone else in the e-mail and asked her to help me instead.</p>

<p>I’ve never asked a Dean for help, so I’m not sure if the situation is progressing appropriately.</p>

133

<p>Thank you for the update! If you wouldn’t mind, I would appreciate being tagged so I don’t miss your updates. The dean is either signaling that you are important to him, but a complex case, so he is assigning someone who can follow up closely since he is busy (so you are making HUGE progress!); or he is signaling that you are a pest/waste of time, and assigning someone to listen sagely, appear to be interested, and nod & smile (so you are kinda not getting anywhere). I am not sure how to escalate from here if it is the latter. In any case, have your ducks in a row and know precisely what it is you want when you do speak to the surrogate. @rhandco, @blossom, @MYOS1634, any further advice (recalling this IS Texas and not the East Coast somewhere…)?</p>

134

<p>Yes, progressing appropriately. The Dean has found someone who can help you- be proactive and send this person an email asking for a convenient time for the two of you to meet.</p>

135

<p>@ItsJustSchool‌ If you bookmark the post at the top, you will get updates whenever there is a new post. </p>

136

<p>@rhandco, @blossom, @MYOS1634, @ItsJustSchool all e-mails to this other person have been squared away to the best of my ability. I’m supposed to be getting a call Monday. When I do get the call, I’m not sure what requests to make.</p>

<p>I might request for my financial aid that I lost in the fall to be reinstated for summer or something. I still have the spring portions, but still it saddens me that I gave up GOOD money. I might also request to get a housing refund from student housing since I never got my money back from when I did reserve that new apartment from on-campus. I really just don’t want the phone call on Monday to be a simple conversation that spans two minutes (“Hi, so you’re coming this spring? Great, I’ll send you some stuff in the mail to get you revved up! Kthxbai!”). I want it to be a conversation where I actually get something accomplished that truly benefits me… What to ask for though…?</p>

<p>@ItsJustSchool I did drop the remainder of my fluff courses. Rather, the enrollment in them fell below the legal limit, and so they were canceled mid-semester. I got all my money back from them.</p>

137

<p>Make yourself a chart prior to the phone call.</p>

<p>List every obstacle from top to bottom you have faced in getting enrolled in the college you want, in the program you want, on a timely basis. Then across the page, list the reasons for that particular obstacle-- timing, finances, prerequisites, housing, missed deadlines, etc.</p>

<p>Then when you get the phone call, explain to the person calling you that you are frustrated that your efforts to get a college education have been stymied, and so you’d like to systematically review what the problems have been.</p>

<p>Then go down the chart.</p>

<p>Some of these issues have a solution (like a refund on a housing deposit). Some of them do not- like unsupportive family members. So figure out which of these problems can be fixed with an adult’s help-- ask for specific help not “how you can make sure I get housing for next year”. The question should be, “please help me get a refund from campus housing, and work with me to reserve a room on campus for spring semester”.</p>

<p>Got it? Be systematic, be specific, and recognize that certain things are not fixable (like other people’s attitudes).</p>

138

<p>I think you should talk to your Dean about what support do they have for students whose parents say:</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>That yes, you have not been consistent in your pursuit of college, but that is most likely due to hearing the"tapes" of your parents in your head. You want to graduate college but you are the first in your family to go to 4 year college.</p>

139

<p>Talked to the coordinator I’ve been assigned today. I did make a list and the coordinator claims that she did read through the exact same e-mail I sent the Dean. I really hope it actually made a difference…</p>

<p>I did make a list of things to discuss, mainly the things talked about here. I discovered that, </p>

<ul>
<li>As a transfer in the spring, we’re lowest priority to get registered for classes. </li>
<li>Credit-by-exam is usually not allowed for upper-division courses. </li>
</ul>

<p>Other than that, all my other questions about having financial aid reinstated and housing are kinda on-hold right now. She’ll get back to me in the coming days whether or not an administrative push could help resolve things.</p>

<p>I guess it was a mostly productive phone call. My coordinator is compiling a list of resources and things to do before the end of the year to help ensure that I’m completely prepared this time. I just hope things stay prepared once they are…</p>

<p>@rhandco, @blossom, @MYOS1634, @ItsJustSchool</p>

140

<p>Thanks for the update! It would be nice to find a research project to start up over the next 2 months, so that someone in the department knows you. See if there is any opportunity for undergraduate research.</p>

<p>I would press a bit harder on the priority. Let her know you thought you were accepted, but could not arrange housing or classes in the fall and had no help, and that is why you are not there now. Tell her you need the Dean’s help to get established into the school. Ask her to get your priority increased on registration and have an academic advisor work with you right now, in October, to choose your classes and map out your academic plan. They really need to acknowledge their part in you not being in school right now, and try to give you a little special help.</p>