Decisions, decisions...Academic rigor vs. Proximity

Parents Forum
1

<p>I need advice from all you wise, experienced parents. At what point should academic rigor trump proximity to home? My daughter is introverted, socially awkward and immature, but bright and scholarly. She has been accepted to Smith and Mt. Holyoke, and Lawrence University in Appleton, WI (not the conservatory). We live in the Chicagoland area, and are not rich enough to hop on an airplane at the drop of a hat. We have no friends or family in MA. The FA aid offer is best at Smith, about tied and still good at Lawrence and Mt. Holyoke. My daughter fairly strongly prefers the women’s colleges over Lawrence. She expects to major in biological sciences. We are fortunate she would heed our advice, and make the most of wherever she attends. </p>

<p>Our daughter did apply to several more rigorous schools in closer proximity to home, but didn’t get into any of them. Don’t even ask why we let her apply to colleges we would have second thoughts about allowing her to attend. We expected better options closer to home (dumb, I know) and did not think through all the ramifications of distance (again, dumb). So here we are trying to make a good decision.</p>

<p>My husband and I went to college close to our homes (I actually lived at home), so we have no experience with this. I don’t want my protective mommy-urges to prevent her from having the best college experience she can but I don’t want to be sorry she is far away, either. </p>

<p>Thanks for any advice!</p>

2

<p>What does your daughter want to do? I think I was fairly introverted in high shool and I blossomed in college and became quite outgoing, headed up a campus organization and in general became significantly more confident socially. I wanted to distance myself "from my roots"...I might take the lead from your daughter rather than trying to second guess the situation. If she seems reluctant to be far from home and her family, then close might make more sense, but if she seems eager to spread her wings, then this might be a great opportunity for personal growth.</p>

3

<p>"She expects to major in biological sciences."</p>

<p>Biological sciences at Smith are AMAZING! They are a national center for molecular and genetic disease research, with all the research assistants being undergrads (who are PAID for their work). Lots of papers published by undergrads. The new integrated science center now going up will enable links between the biology and engineering departments. </p>

<p>"My daughter is introverted, socially awkward and immature, but bright and scholarly."</p>

<p>My d. was introverted, socially awkward and immature, bright and scholarly, and only 16 to boot. We are from Washington State. She has bloomed extraordinarily in the time she has been there, and capped it off with a major 5-year graduate fellowship to Princeton.</p>

<p>PM or e-mail me if you'd like to kibbitz some more.</p>

4

<p>I have the same question, although my D seems clear (she is a potential Smithie too, but is primarily considering Duke now ). By same question I mean, what does your D want, but I also wonder does rigor trump distance. My D seems clear she wants to go and she does seem to express SOME realistic concerns about the distance, but H and I still worry she doesn't realize what it could be like. Perhaps this will evolve into a " kids far away thread". I'll be interested in the responses too.</p>

5

<p>I was very shy and socially awkward, and my experience at a college that was not that close to home helped me develop into the outgoing person that I am now. It wasn't an easy experience, but it was a valuable experience, and it changed my life for the better.</p>

<p>In my opinion, there's no better time than one's college years to learn how to be social and independent. Your D will be around many other students who also are new and coping with being away from home. There will be activities to help the students get to know each other. There also will be a campus counseling center that can give her social skills help, too</p>

<p>Typically the best way to make friends in college is to join campus organizations that interest you. She needn't have had experience with such organizations to be welcome. After all, freshmen aren't expected to be that experienced. Usually organizations will be recruiting new members in the early fall, and it would be good if your daughter checks out the organizations that interest her. </p>

<p>Given her science interests, she probably can find some science-oriented organizations to join. Doing so also could be a good way of getting inside info about the science courses and getting study buddies, both of which would help with her academics.</p>

<p>Sometimes shy students put off joining organizations until spring semester, but that makes things harder because the time that the welcome mat is fully out -- and there's lots of info for newbies -- is in the fall. </p>

<p>My advice comes from the perspective of being a former college prof who was advisor of a major student organization.</p>

<p>Participation in any summer orientation activities (some colleges offer things such as optional retreats or even things like rafting trips) also is a nice way to meet people. In fact, that's the main purpose of such activities.</p>

6

<p>I don't think my daughter is old or mature enough to know what being so far from home would mean, and I can't tell her since I never was! She is sure she is ready for it, but can her instincts be trusted? </p>

<p>I know the biology opportunities at Smith are second to none. She has a specific interest in genetics, too. </p>

<p>How valid or significant are my concerns about her being farther away from home? Am I worrying needlessly?</p>

7

<p>Trust her instincts, and remember that she can always transfer if she's unhappy. (It would probably be easier to transfer from Smith to Lawrence than the other way around.)</p>

8

<p>I agree with the other posters. You are a mother. You will always worry. And no kid is really old enough or mature to truly understand the college experience, so it's all conjecture. Your daughter's attitude is a bigger predictor for a successful college experience than her current personality or proximity to home. People blossom in college, and an small warm environment like Smith sounds like a good fit. I went cross-country for college and had no clue what that entailed either. But there were many other kids in the same boat, and some of the locals adopted us over Thanksgiving. I'm sure that's the same at Smith.</p>

9

<p>I think maybe your own experience of staying close to home is inclining you to believe that being far from home is a bigger deal than it really is. (This said by a person who went to college far from home. ;) )</p>

<p>My son is a very stable guy (for an 18 year old) but is a real homebody. I actually encouraged him to get far away from home because I want him to feel more comfortable in the larger world. I will miss him, but I think this is really very important for him. He will get homesick, and he will adjust, move on from that, and develop himself as a young adult who is independent and less intimidated by things new and unknown. That's how I see it, anyway.</p>

10

<p>j n s q: How often are you expecting your daughter to come home, even if she attends Lawrence? In my opinion, the happiest and most successful college students are the ones who find plenty to do on campus to stay busy. Leaving on weekends on a regular basis to visit home disrupts both social life and study time. </p>

<p>If she thinks she is ready for more independence, she probably is. And, as Hunt said, she could transfer after freshman year if she finds it too difficult to be away.</p>

<p>I'm a parent of a freshman, and I've spent all of this year trying to ignore the fact that I miss having my son around more, but he is having a great time, has become very involved in campus activities, works closely with a prof. on a research project and has made many close friends. I don't think he would be having the same experience if he had attended school so close to home that he felt obliged to drop everything and come visit regularly,</p>

11

<p>
[quote]
My daughter is introverted, socially awkward and immature, but bright and scholarly.

[/quote]

Sounds like someone I once knew--myself. Mount Holyoke was perfect for me, way back when, and I don't think that atmosphere has changed. I PM'd you, too, but I wanted to add the MoHo voice to this thread, which is slowly being taken over by Smithie types ;)</p>

12

<p>mini</p>

<p>Correct me if I'm wrong, but I would think a school like Smith (or MH) would be the ideal place for an introverted girl to find her voice. This sounds like such a good fit to me. If you plan ahead, I'll bet you can find cheap flights from Chicago to Boston and be able to visit.</p>

13

<p>Southwest has direct flights from Chicago-Midway to Hartford three times a day.</p>

14

<p>^^^^ I agree with Beth. Completely.</p>

<p>She'll most likely blossom at Mount Holyoke or Smith (Smith might be the better choice here because of the biological sciences). </p>

<p>And if it turns out she's unhappy (and give her time to get happy . . . lots of first semester freshmen have adjustment issues) she can always transfer someplace closer to home.</p>

15

<p>"
I don't think my daughter is old or mature enough to know what being so far from home would mean, and I can't tell her since I never was! She is sure she is ready for it, but can her instincts be trusted? </p>

<p>I know the biology opportunities at Smith are second to none. She has a specific interest in genetics, too. </p>

<p>How valid or significant are my concerns about her being farther away from home? Am I worrying needlessly?"</p>

<p>I think you are worrying because you're a loving mom, and never had the opportunity yourself to go to college away from home.</p>

<p>For most people, college is the best time to move away from home because there will be plenty of peers in the same boat, and there also will be plenty of support services and activities that will allow one to make friends.</p>

<p>Afterward, it is much harder -- particularly if one never has lived far from home before. Grad school and professional schools attract older students, many of whom are married, and the large majority of whom will live off campus. There also aren't campus activities -- except class -- that grad schools tend to participate in. If this is the first time that a person has been on their own, it can be excruciating, and may not lead to the person's getting the skills to happily live independently.</p>

<p>And, of course, if one has their first truly away from home experience when they are finished with school and working, there really won't be anyone who'll hold their hand through it.</p>

<p>Everything I've read about Smith indicates your D's instincts are on target about its being a great place for her.</p>

<p>It will be normal for her to be homesick sometimes, but that happens to almost everyone. It also will take a while to make true friends and to find her place on campus, but that, too, is normal. </p>

<p>Remember that parents' best legacy for their kids is roots and wings. You've clearly given her roots. Now's the time to give her wings.</p>

16

<p>There will be all sorts of orientation activities and support networks at the women's schools; if she likes Smith better, then that's the right choice. And the fact that the FA is good makes it even better. Good luck to her--seems like a wonderful opportunity. Do not worry about the distance--a happy student does not come home except for major holiday/long breaks anyway. (And with email and a family cell phone packages you will be able to communicate with her very easily and economically.)</p>

17

<p>Your daughter has some good choices. As others have said, college is often a time of great personal growth, enhanced by a new environment and opportunities. You and your daughter can best determine if your worry is needless or not. Consider any previous experiences away from home-did she avoid them, seek them out, cope, fall apart, enjoy them? Is she big on anxious anticipation and rallies when the moment arrives, or is she overwhelmed? What strategies has she employed so far to cope with her temperament? We all have to develop ways to manage our lives that work for us, and college is a big part of figuring this out. Even if a student is nearby, driving to the college quickly isn't always possible or even best for every student, every time. Your daughter can be helped to think about this in a meaningful way. As she learns to assess herself, she can own more of the decision about college. That in itself is valuable. We parents can have our own anxieties when their children pursue things outside of our experiences or comfort zone. It is important to know how vulnerable to distress your daughter is-you don't want her in over her head and yet you clearly don't want to presume a generalized inability to grow at a distance if it doesn't exist. Discuss with her what has been most challenging in the past for her, what works, what doesn't and how you might be a resource to her at a geographic distance. The answer will come from the chance to discuss this in different ways between now and May 1. Good luck to all!</p>

18

<p>j<em>n</em>s_q, I will join the chorus of those who say a women's college, no matter how far away, has the potential to bring out your d's voice, and academically you can't beat the choices she has.</p>

<p>But let me ask you this - how will you feel and how will she feel if you say, "No, it's too far; go to Lawrence" and she doesn't like it? She doesn't bloom there, and doesn't find her own voice? Would you be setting up the situation in which she goes into college poised not to like it? And then blame you? Remember when the kids were little, and we were told to let them stretch their wings, let them try new things, don't tell them "We don't think you're capable" in even subtle ways? Is this the message that your d may be eharing from you?</p>

<p>If we could look into our magic mirrors and determine which is the "best" choice for our kids, we would. But my magic mirror broke about 18 years ago (around the time of d's birth). If she's going to make a mistake, be it with less academic rigor or too far away, let it be her mistake. This is the time to start trusting her instincts. If not, when? And with a "mistake" that can be remedied the following year.</p>

<p>Oh, and take a look at the "In loco parentis" thread - there are many parents on this board who would be happy to keep an eye out for your d should she need something!</p>

19

<p>Just to underline a point -- the fact that Southwest has direct flights between two convenient airports lowers your expected transportation costs considerably.</p>

<p>If your daughter goes to Smith or Holyoke, don't expect it to be glitch-free. She may have some moments of homesickness. She'll get over them. Guaranteed.</p>

<p>Granted, there is something of a class bias here, but most of the kids I know consider distance away from home to be a big positive. It's the parents who wish they would stay closer, for reasons that relate to parental psychology, not student needs.</p>

<p>I have nothing against Lawrence, which I think is a fine school. But at some level the question here seems like, "Which is better? One scoop of ice cream, or three?"</p>

20

<p>I don't know what would be best for your daughter, but I will say that the Northhampton/Amherst area is a great college environment. There's plenty to do, and yet it has a safe small-town feeling (or did when I went to graduate school). Good luck with this. A lot of us are going through difficult decisions with our kids, or worry about the decisions our kids are making.</p>