Depressed, anorexic, I-don't-know sister. Help, please!

Parents Forum
1

<p>Long story short.
I was an exchange student in america two years ago, and I was, and still am, very close to my host family and my little (host) sister (she's almost 15). I try to talk to them as often as I can, and ive been back and visited twice. </p>

<p>Last year, my sister was diagnosed with depression. She also has ADD. I havent noticed that much of it, but I dont see her that often, and it's not really things you talk about on the phone...</p>

<p>I talked to her on AIM today, and for some reason looked at her aim profile. This is what I found.</p>

<p>"if only i could trade places w/ u Angie..... :[
***** Hates It
but she can't stop.
You see, shes aneorexic.
It all started, when the boy she liked, said she was fat.
He was joking but **** took it to heart.
All she eats is a cheese cube every time she feels like shes about to faint.
But she refuses to eat at school.
Theres one other thing,
her family has no clue.
Shes a good actress.
She pretends like shes not hungry and eats later.
But she never actully eats.
One day, she feels like shes about to faint.
And she won't eat at school.
So she prays it will pass.
But it doesn't,
and she faints in art class.
She won't wake up,
so shes rushed to the hospital.
That was two weeks ago,
and she still hasn't woken up.</p>

<p>bumsen Sie dieses Vort</p>

2

<p>Anorexia can kill people. Please take this very, very seriously. Your friend needs professional help -- tell her that you love her (unconditionally, any size, anywhere, any hairstyle, any shoes). Tell her that she may be suffering from a biochemical imbalance and that WILL NOT get better by leaving it alone. Tell her she has a choice: 1) she can tell her parents that she needs help, or 2) She can tell a school counselor she needs help or 3) you can tell her family for her. It has to come out -- she is not well and she really, really needs some assistance. </p>

<p>For your part you can read up on anorexia, share what you learn -- and make it clear to her that people have and do die from this. I know singer Karen Carpenter died and I think Anne Murray's daughter also suffered -- it can hit immensely talented, beautiful and amazing people (Princess Di had bulemia) -- a quick trip to Wikipedia tells me that there are online forums where she can reach out and communicate with others who are facing the same sorts of feelings and struggles -- it also sounds like zinc can be a particularly important vitamin, so you can mail her a giant bottle of vitamins and tell her to take one every day as your "love dose" since you can't be there. </p>

<p>There's no way for you to "fix" this -- especially when you are far away -- this is deep doo-doo. But you can sound the alarm, get information and send pragmatic love.
Please, please don't think this is a phase that will pass. This is a girl in huge trouble.
Hugs.</p>

3

<p>IM with her regularly. Find a way to touch on the subject. Use that opportunity to get her to open up about the issue. I find it easier, sometimes, to discuss sensitive issues through IMing rather than in person or by phone. Eventually, if she acknowledges that she is having problems, you should convince her to try to talk to her mom and/or dad even if they don't have a great relationship. She should also be advised to get help at the local community mental health center. Good luck to you!</p>

4

<p>You MUST MUST MUST let her family know.</p>

5

<p>Thank you for your replies.
I'm a bit calmer now, even though I guess you could say I'm mourning. </p>

<p>I'm trying to figure out if it's better to speak to her directly first, or if she would just shut herself off, or if I should talk to an aunt she's very close to first, just to find out what's actually going on over there.
I don't want to talk to her parents first, because I'm afraid they'll react very badly and do something stupid.</p>

<p>When I put it like that, it doesn't even make sense to me. But her mom would take it very badly(well. what mom wouldn't) and i just need to find out what's going on first.</p>

<p>im just so sad. so so so sad.</p>

6

<p>Your friend has a life-threatening disease. You need to tell her family ASAP. If she becomes angry with you because you tried to save her life, so be it. She's too ill to have good judgment about recognizing someone's doing something that could save her life. Better to risk her rage than to have her die after you didn't let her family know.</p>

<p>i don't know what you mean that her family might react badly. You aren't in charge of their reaction. You are responsible for letting the people who are responsible for her know about her life-threatening illness. If you think her parents could do something like beat her because she's ill, also contact the guidance department at her school.</p>

<p>If you mean that her parents would be worried, that's normal and would be appropriate. She has a LIFE-THREATENING illness. Let them know ASAP so they can get her and themselves the help she needs.</p>

<p>Otherwise, this is not your responsibility. More visits, IMs, etc. aren't going to save her. She has a disease -- which many believe is biochemical, not psychological -- and she needs to get into treatment ASAP.</p>

<p>The girl also is telling you these things as a cry for help. Somewhere she realizes she is in danger, and she's hoping you'll let her parents know.</p>

<p>If you don't tell her parents ASAP, she could die or cause permanent impairment to her health. You have absolutely no reason to delay in contacting them.</p>

<p>Saying this as someone who once had to tell the parents of a close friend that she was suicidal. My friend became angry at me, but she is still alive.</p>

7

<p>Agree with nsm's suggestion of contacting the guidance department at her school. Perhaps you even know someone there from your exchange student days.</p>

<p>Guidance counselors have training in working with troubled kids and families, they are familiar with resources in the area, they can make an in-person judgment about the situation, and they need not say what led them to speak to your sister.</p>

8

<p>Agree with others. But I must be missing something because the quote seems to imply only that she wishes she was dead, not that she is actually herself anorexic. Or that she wishes she was anorexic, perhaps. Ultimately, it doesn't matter, because she sounds suicidal. You need to let the adults in her life (parents, guidance counselor) know.</p>

9

<p>Bela, that's why I'm unsure how far this has gone. It seems more like a kind of fantasy than something that's actually happened. But that she has written it means that she has been thinking about it, and a lot, and that's bad.</p>

<p>Everyone, thank you for taking the time to reply and give me advice.
I will talk to her parents as soon as I can, I just need to figure out something to say. The thing I'm debating is if I should talk to my sister first, and ask her about it, or just talk to her parents directly?
I've talked to my friends about it, and they think I shouldn't do anything behind her back, which I agree with.</p>

<p>Also, sorry for the lack of focus in the above posts, I reread them and I can hardly understand them myself. I've just been so extremely upset and confused.</p>

10

<p>
[quote]
But that she has written it means that she has been thinking about it, and a lot, and that's bad.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Yes, that much is clear. It is hard to know the specifics of her condition, but that she wrote that in a public forum seems like a classic cry for help. By all means, talk to her first and let her know how much you care about her, but definitely talk to an adult in her life too. Sometimes, this kind of thing can be a wake-up call to family members and can actually bring them closer together, so don't worry too much about the quality of her relationships with her parents. There's nothing you can do about that anyway.
You are doing the right thing.</p>

11

<p>I talked to my sister today.
It took me a few days to even be able to make the call, but I did.
We talked about other stuff for a while, but then I told her about the message, and she was quiet for a while, and then she said a friend of hers had written it. But I ended up asking her 'yes or no' questions like if she felt she had a bad relationship with food, does she think a lot about it, and stuff like that. before we had started talking about that she did mention food, and said stuff like 'i ate like a 800 calorie breakfast today' which worried me a little.</p>

<p>I asked her if she wanted me to talk to her mother, and she said yes.</p>

<p>I did. She had a ok reaction, I expected it. She basically started saying what my sister does eat,a lot, and started listing all the stuff she eats... I felt it was a bit of defense mechanism, which I totally understand. But she had been thinking about it at least. I asked her about the counselor my sister has been seeing, and she said my sister doesnt like her, and that he basically blames all her problems on her ADD.... My sister said when I was living with them that she didnt like that counselor, so i hope they switch...</p>

<p>I talked a little more about the whole thing with eating disorders and how worried I was, and her mom said that she thought it was more of a call for attention, but I think that's serious enough...</p>

<p>I feel better now, at least. I've done what I can, and hopefully she will be okay. I'll try talking to her more often though. </p>

<p>All of you, thanks for your replies and advice.</p>

12

<p>It is heartwarming to read of your great compassion and courage.</p>

13

<p>Thank you, ADad.</p>

14

<p>:) .</p>

<p>.</p>

15

<p>Your instinct to reach out and help someone in trouble instead of backing away is precious. Our species would be a lot better off if we were all more like you. We've had lots of recent exposure to eating disorders (2 sisters who are very close to my daughters) and my own 15 year old was recently beginning to go down that road herself, though I think she's caught herself, and we've caught her, before she really went over the line. If I heard news like this about my kids from someone else, I might feel like an idiot if I hadn't noticed the crisis myself, but I'd be profoundly grateful.
We've heard from people who treat eating disorders that at a certain point of thinness/starvation (which your friend may never have reached), it becomes literally impossible to think rationally, so the self-starving person may be completely unable to act for her self-preservation.
Thanks again for caring and for taking action. The singers Suzzy and Maggie Roche recorded a great song on a CD called "Zero Church". The song is called "Anyway" and I'm enclosing the lyrics, though it makes much more of an impression if you hear it.</p>

<p>People are often unreasonable, illogical,
and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.</p>

<p>If you are kind, People may accuse you
of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.</p>

<p>If you are successful, you will win some
false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.</p>

<p>If you are honest and frank,
people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.</p>

<p>What you spend years building, someone
could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.</p>

<p>If you find serenity and happiness,
they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.</p>

<p>The good you do today,
people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.</p>

<p>Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.</p>

<p>You see, in the final analysis,
it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway</p>

16

<p>lisa58, such kind words, thank you.</p>

<p>I feel for you, your daughter and her friends.
One of the reasons I was so affected when I heard this about my sister was because I have two friends who have been so sick in anorexia that they nearly died (both spent a couple of months at a clinic for eating disorders), and one of them let me read her diary from when she was the sickest. It was... horrifying, to say the least. Just like you said, no rational thought...</p>

17

<p>What you did may have saved your friend's life. So glad to hear that you took that courageous, challenging step.</p>