How to support a friend? I am so sad.

Pre-College Issues High School Life
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<p>For several years, my friend has been struggling with anorexia nervosa. Until recently, she hadn't received any treatment for her condition. Despite doctors' and her parents' attempts to get her to gain weight (she is indescribably thin), she ate very little. In the last few months, her parents worried that she would die if nothing was done to treat her condition.</p>

<p>My friends and I have for quite a long time known something was wrong with our friend. We overlooked her minuscule frame; we blamed it on what she told us was a muscular deficiency. But most of us, I think, knew in the back of our minds that her condition was self-inflicted. We just never really consciously believed that it could be ______ who was doing something so awful to herself. And so we let it go, not bothering to put together the puzzle pieces, the clues that would paint a picture of a intelligent, talented, but sick girl who desperately needed help. </p>

<p>Now she's in a clinic getting treatment for her anorexia. I want to contact her, and support her. But I feel that if I don't say the right thing to ______, I could exacerbate (at least slightly) the situation, making her feel worse. What do I say to make her feel better? What is there to say? Do I try to divert her from talk about the situation, and instead try to tell her about all that's happening in school, outside of school, etc.? Or will that make her resentful that she's stuck far away from home? </p>

<p>I suppose I'd like to get opinions from people who've been in the same situation, whether as a friend of the afflicted, or the person herself/himself. I'm just really sad, confused, and worried right now. I'd appreciate advice very much.</p>

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<p>you sound like a compassionate caring friend with good instincts. reach out to her so she know how much you care!</p>

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<p>Don't worry about saying the wrong thing. You don't even have to talk about her condition at all. Just fill her in with what's going on at school, and talk to her the same way you did and about the same things you did before she was diagnosed and sent to the clinic. If you do want to talk about it, just say that you care about her and are glad she's getting help. Let her take the lead and talk about it if she wants to. </p>

<p>Otherwise, she's still your friend - treat her that way and you'll be fine.</p>

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<p>You sound like a very caring person. And I am so relieved to find myself reading a thread about eating disorders that doesn't have to do with people thinking they're some diets or that the person suffering from an eating disorder can just instantaneously "recover" by eating a sandwich.
I feel your pain because I too, had a friend who struggled with an eating disorder. She had both anorexia and bulimia and was very evasive about her illness. She passed away last year. It was suicide--most people with eating disorders who pass away usually do so by means of suicide or because of the complications of the illness (i.e. electrolyte imbalance leading to heart failure, multiple organ failure, etc). She didn't want to deal with it anymore. And she didn't want to keep on hurting her friends and family, and also didn't want to recover because the illness is very consuming.
Her struggles and her pain made me disgusted over all of the people who think EDs are some "diet" or joke and constantly label thin people "anorexic." Of course, the media has a large part in this cloud of ignorance too. And by being a part of this cloud of ignorance, people are oblivious to the psychological and physical pain that the suffering are dealing with, oblivious to the dangers, oblivious to compassion and empathy. As you can probably understand, I get extremely agitated and frustrated with someone shows ignorance toward an ED.
Anywho, I just felt the need to say that. I am so tired of people misunderstanding eating disorders. So it was a godsend to read this thread and realize that you, the maker of this thread, are so open-minded and sympathetic.
I would suggest that if you do call her (please do), don't talk about her illness directly. I've realized that many people with EDs resent others talking about their illness (for many, it's a control problem and having someone know about their illness/talk about it makes them feel violated and even more empty). I think that is something that her therapist should deal with. I think you should just talk about general things, but don't make her feel deprived because she's in a clinic. Always, always tell her just how much you care/love her, because usually people with EDs are very, very alone inside and excluded from love. Just tell her that you believe in her and all of that and the general things going on in life.
I wish you and your friend the best of luck.
Oh, and I'd also like to say that just because she gains weight/starts eating a bit more doesn't mean that she's recovered. You probably know this, but anorexia is a psychological illness and the physical emaciation/strange eating habits are just the symptoms, not the problem itself. Furthermore, one does not need to be totally emaciated to have the mindset of someone who is suffering from anorexia nervosa. I say this because often times, when someone struggling with anorexia is "recovered" and out of the hospital, people tend to think that the person is completely recovered just because he/she has gained weight and is eating a bit more. What needs to be done is the recovery of the mind and the emotional pains the person has gone through. Many sufferers tend to relapse, so watch out for that. Once she's out, I wouldn't comment blatantly on her body if I were you. Focus on her other qualities, i.e. personality and intelligence and all of that. Avoid body talk--that generates self-consciousness and is triggering to those who have EDs.
Whoo long post.
<3</p>

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<p>Thank you Psycho. I appreciate your help very much. My thoughts are with you and your friend.</p>

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<p>I think I can help you out here :) I'm going into treatment for my eating disorder for the 837893 time again soon so I think what I can offer is pretty valid :)</p>

<p>DO NOT, whatever you do, say that she is looking well. In the ED mind, well = FAT.</p>

<p>Do not initiate conversations about her anorexia unless she seems willing to discuss it. Sometimes talking to other people who are not doctors will sort of make you feel triggered.</p>

<p>Do not talk about her body. Like the other poster, focus on internal qualities.</p>

<p>BE THERE FOR HER but do not be her therapist. She will only let you in as much as she wants you to and in most cases, trying to force yourself upon her to help her out might make her feel scared.</p>

<p>Relapses are common, especially if the person was not ready for treatment in the first place. Learn about the signs. Don't confront her, confront her parents instead, if they start to show up. </p>

<p>Just to reiterate what was said, just because she is eating and gaining weight..it doesn't mean that is the end. I was eating and looking well for some months before I ended up right back in the hospital because I couldn't take it anymore.</p>

<p>When hanging out, don't make it food focused. For some sufferers, it is just as uncomfortable to watch OTHERS eat as it is to eat themselves.</p>

<p>Don't treat her like she is this fragile being. Sometimes girls get caught up in that and end of taking advantage of this new found..."walking around the bush" type of attention they are recieving from others because of their illness. She is still the person she was before. She is not weak and should not be treated like she is pure crystal. Sometimes if treated like that, it kind of just emphasizes the fact that she has an illness and like what was said before, many people hate talking about their illnesses for one reason or another. Also if she is in a recovery mindset, constantly being reminded of her anorexia will destroy her.</p>

<p>And remember this. Her anorexia is NOT her identity.</p>

<p>Tell her you care, that you love her, etc but don't swallow her in your love. She might get too dependant and addicted and feel like that kind of attention and caring will go away if she recovers.</p>

<p>Thats how I felt and how many of the women I have met in hospitals have felt.</p>

<p>EDs are crazy disorders and the most innocent things to a non disordered person will be like a slap in the face to someone with an ED and will trigger the hell out of them. That does not mean you should get anxious. </p>

<p>I wish the two of you the best luck.</p>