@MaineLonghorn, I, for one, will never get sick of you providing your hard-earned advice. Happy holidays to you and your dear family!
thanks @MaineLonghorn … i know this in spades myself – having been thru it as a teen – but going thru it as a parent is SO different – i do have one other – she is older – and has been impacted by this – she is her brothers rock – and go between – so it is not fair to her…
OP, a lot of kids also experience doubts as they start hearing about other students get multiple acceptances. They experience buyer’s remorse…what if they had applied to more schools, what if in fact X college isn’t the right place for me, what if I can’t cope with college, and so on.
It might help your son if he knows that all these doubts are normal. Everyone experiences some of the “grass is always greener” syndrome. As he is having a tough time now, I think it is good to prepare him too for when he actually starts college. What nobody tells you is that virtually EVERY student experiences some kind of adjustment problems in college. Some kids keep it to themselves, and some text and call their parent at every opportunity to tell them how miserable they are (you can guess what my kid did:-).
For some kids, it’s the academics, for others it’s being away from home, for still others it’s the social side of things. My daughter had a very rough start in college and things only just started falling into place after Thanksgiving. It helped her cope to realize that she was not alone in having a hard time. I think too many kids, and parents, start college with the expectation that they are heading off to the “best four years of their life.” Turns out that this is simply not the case for a huge proportion of students. For some reason, no one talks about it, but I am letting you know now.
I am amazed at the number of parents I have talked to who have told me that not only did their child have a hard time as a college freshman, but whose students also had a hard time senior year, due to what has been described above. Other kids react in an opposite way to your son and contract “senioritis.” It’s great that you have been proactive and got help for your son, but it might also help you both to realize that what is happening isn’t uncommon. Your son got into his top choice school. He can let his guard down a little. He is in, and as long as he doesn’t let his grades hit the skids, it won’t matter if he gets a few Bs instead of all As. One gift I gave my daughter once she had her accpetances was permission to slack off a little. By telling her it was okay if she didn’t get straight As, she was able to relax and enjoy the rest of senior year more. Good luck to your son, and I hope the holiday break helps him.
OP, my younger son was in a similar spot. Got into one of his top two choices and he felt NOTHING. He said later that it was the tipoff that something was not right (though he didn’t tell us that at the time). He was in a full IB program plus taking two APs, spent tons of time on application essays, had leadership responsibilities in his big EC and played a fall sport. He also still had his IB Extended Essay to write (term paper, long and involved). He pushed and pushed and pushed and a couple weeks after he got the acceptance letter, he started getting stress migraines. Off to the docs we went, who told us they saw MANY kids who developed with anxiety issues in this particular program. He started seeing a counselor, too. He agonized over the top two choices until 8 pm on May 1st. It took every ounce of energy he had (and probably too much pressure on our part) for him to finish the EE. At this program, it’s full IB or back to your home HS, so he pushed through.
We crossed our fingers and sent him off to college in the fall. He kept himself together through freshman year, but was really struggling to manage classes, taking care of himself, and figuring out how to move on from a bad breakup. Sophomore year, there was nothing left in the tank. He wound up coming home for a semester in junior year, but still dragged his way through his degree. Was in counseling and on meds the entire time. He’s starting to turn things around now, but it has been a long, hard struggle.
In retrospect – I am somewhat sorry he went to this particular IB program, though he says he’d do it again. He has LD issues that weren’t addressed by the school and he relied on DH and me offering scaffolding to help him organize far more than we thought. I’m sorry we didn’t insist on a gap year (we discussed it, but S said he wanted to get to college). He needed some down time to build up reserves and resilience, and to figure out how to manage his LDs without our help.
I’m glad you’re paying attention to these issues now and I hope your S finds the path that’s right for him, not the one he thinks he should be on. Keep listening and helping him find the tools to answer his own questions and doubts. (and most seniors DO have doubts. Their world’s about to turn upside down.) Encourage him to talk through his feelings and thoughts, whether it’s with you or the counselor. Some kids (and adults) have to be taught how to do that.
Working with a skilled therapist and landing upon the right meds (if needed), can works WONDERS!
Way to go for jumping on this right away @chicorymom !
Our D began to crack late junior year. Steps forward, steps back, all through senior year. Better after HS graduation, during the summer break.
All through senior year, we’d check in with the DBT therapist. Are we sending her away to college? Will she be okay?
In the end, with support in place, we sent her because that is what she wanted to do.
There have been some bumps. We’ve held our breath and worried. A summer romance boyfriend back home complicated matters. There was talk of transferring.
Landing in with a nice, friendly roommate, and landing in with a good group of kids down at school has helped. WIth the first semester behind her, and having done well academically, she seems more content.
There’s so much that is out of your parental control. We can try to give them unconditional support and love, and the resources to good help. They have to buy in and do the hard work though.
Good luck!
Thanks so much to all of the parents who are sharing stories of their kids’ struggles. We all need to do this, often! I wish there were a good way to get the word out to parents of younger kids, so they wouldn’t be blindsided like most of us were.
First, this is not uncommon. Our school nurse always told me “all the seniors are a mess,” and I know some who couldn’t really function (who were high functioning previously). Therapy and sometimes meds help a lot.
Second, our educational system runs on “external motivators” like grades and college admission. Often the goal feels empty once reached because it was not internally motivated. Once the prize is won, there is a feeling of let down and pointlessness. Encourage him to do what he wants in college (or out of college) if possible, rather than “shoulds.”
There are many things to get out of schooling but if the system is geared to the end result of admission, then why do work once in? It goes back to the idea that education is for learning, not for grades etc. - at least in theory.
Third, google " imposter syndrome." He may feel too fortunate, and fear that the other shoe will drop, or that he is an imposter and won’t be able to fulfill what the college expects of him.
Fourth, an MD is not always the best resource (sorry, that’s my experience, your son may have a longstanding relationship). I would start with a therapist (Psychology Today has a great listing). Then the therapist can refer for meds if needed.
Fifth, admission makes leaving for college real, and the transition is really hard for a lot of them. It is almost inconceivable to leave friends and family, yet we expect them to do it (some do stay home and commute). Your son is also dealing with your moving at the same time. It’s a lot.
Sixth, gap year is a big decision. I had a similar experience in senior year and took a gap year. Wish I could go back and undo that. But I know a young man who had depression in senior year who went off to National Outdoor Leadership School for wilderness training during a gap year and has thrived at college ever since. From what you have written, it sounds like your son might do better getting back on the saddle so to speak, in case waiting a year increases anxiety. But if he is burned out, that is a different story. Main point is, it depends…
We have all had kids with periods like this. Some go on to have some long term struggles, but I believe for the most part this is an “adjustment disorder” meaning a temporary reaction to circumstances. You are being proactive in keeping it that way!
@compmom – he has been seeing a therapist – the therapist recommended the MD to evaluate for meds – that evaluation is ongoing – i am VERY cognizant of what is happening in his world – and it is A LOT (HS, college, moving , the whole lot of it ) i am trying as best i can to set up a support structure for him and also to give him option should he need them /want them – it’s just such a terrible thing all of this has come to with admissions – i concur with your thoughts on that – and agree a Gap year should be really considered carefully – he is a mature kid in many ways – but i am concerned that the gap might lead to more of a gap…
You sound like you are doing everything right! I am surprised this doesn’t happen more. So many kids see high school as a 4 year extended admissions exercise, so when that acceptance is in hand, there is a legitimate reason to ask “what now?” Olympic athletes often experience the same. Of course, it could be burnout, fear of change, buyers remorse, or something else, but you’re listening and supporting, which is what’s needed. Really, wishing you all the best and hoping you have support for yourself as well.
frank bruni in todays NYT (i am sure this is elsewhere on the site) http://www.nytimes.com/2016/12/21/opinion/the-plague-of-early-decision.html?action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading&module=opinion-c-col-right-region®ion=opinion-c-col-right-region&WT.nav=opinion-c-col-right-region&_r=0
Well, we’re railing about that Bruni article on another thread.
Yes you are doing everything right and so promptly. A parent could not do a better job, or a quicker one.
If this is situational and temporary, as it sounds, then hopefully a gap year won’t be needed.
Yes, OP, you’re doing a wonderful job advocating for your son. Make sure you’re taking care of yourself through all of this.
Adding…
We also switched horses, er, therapists after about 6 months. It’s not that the first one wasn’t good, we felt she was a great “starter” therapist. Her focus was CBT. Our kid was doing weekly individual sessions, and hit a plateau of sorts, and everyone felt a change was a good idea.
We found a practice that uses DBT, & we found this approach clicked with our kid. The practice also has a group session (going over the DBT concepts and skills, with a workbook, with peers). I think it was a 12 week class, that met once a week. Our kid liked the group class. She felt she was not alone with her struggles, and there was hope.
This is just a guess on my part, but I had the thought that as an academically-driven kid who is book-smart, having something “concrete” appealed to her personality.
You know, something to read & study (the DBT workbook), memorize (DBT skills in your tool box), & even homework (behavior/mood/event chart for the week).
Lots of paths. And really, if you land in with a good therapist, these are skills that will prove useful for one’s entire life.
Side note, this is not all wrapped up and everything is fine. That’s why they call it a practice, right? You have to practice your skills to manage your emotions and make good life decisions over and over and over again.
After going through DBT, my 18-year-old daughter said she thinks ALL high school students should experience it! She said SO many of her friends were struggling last year as HS seniors. She was thankful she had already learned skills to cope with the stresses.
We also changed therapists, @Midwest67 , to find the right match. The one who clicked specializes in late hs, thru coll and a bit beyond. That helped tremendously. She has an amazing read on the age group.
wow – i have never heard about DBT – but interestingly we are sort of taking a similar path on our own? I bought this Choose Muse device to help him with mindfulness – and we have had long discussions about being present , mindfulness and i am about to approach the idea of journaling – but i think that will go over like a Lead ballon …
Yeah, the journaling idea didn’t go over well with my kids, either. I wanted my bipolar kid to keep a record of sleep patterns, moods, med reactions, etc., and he just scoffed at the thought.
Re: a daily DBT log
My guess is it would be very difficult for someone struggling with overwhelming emotions to see and recognize the patterns without the help of a skilled therapist.
The way the DBT therapist explained it to us is, people cling to maladaptive coping skills. They are convinced it makes them feel better and it’s hard for them to see it’s compounding the problem. In addition, even if they kinda sorta see it’s not really helping matters, they don’t know what to do instead, or they just cannot manage it.
They may think they NEED to (fill in the blank with the many things humans do to avoid pain) …dive into a several hour Netflix binge and avoid their ToDo list, get drunk, binge eat, stop eating, get high, isolate themselves and brood, give their friend/family member/coworker/stranger a piece of their mind, create drama, engage in serious procrastination and avoidance, cut themselves, gamble, go on a shopping spree…etc, etc. etc.
Going over the log with the therapist is supposed to help people see that they actually do better & feel better when they are NOT using problematic coping skills, and are instead reaching for different, healthier tools in their tool box to manage their emotions & life.
Our teen never ever shared her logs with us. She was adament she be able to work with her therapist and psychiatrist “as an adult”, and maintain her privacy. So, we parents know the big picture arc of the treatment approach, and what meds she is on, and what professionals she is seeing (with releases signed), but we do not know the details about all her ups and downs.
We decided pretty early on that she needed the space to figure it all out, and to stumble. There have definitely been setbacks. It’s hard to watch. We are still trying to figure out how to express our unconditional love and support for her, even when she pushes us away or shuts us out.
@Midwest67 thanks for the perspective and advice – makes a ton of sense –