I am not even sure if this is the right place to post this – but wondering if anyone else has dealt with this? – son (who is pretty high achieving–lots of AP’s, varsity sport, all state/all-eastern musician blah blah blah) accepted early into his top choice school – was stressed to the max waiting to hear – stressed to the max first quarter – i THOUGHT that this news would take some of the pressure off – but he has sunk into a loop of anxiety and depression that i have never seen in him before – we are seeing professional help (obviously) – but has anyone else experienced this? I am worried sick for my son .
@chicorymom I don’t have experience with that scenario but I will say that I’m glad you are addressing it now, while your DS is still at home and you can give him the support he needs.
I’m sure others will have practical advice, just wanted to tell you that he’s lucky to have a loving mom like you to be on the ball, recognize that he needs some help and get him to someone who can assist him. Please keep up posted.
I too am glad you are addressing this. Too much focus is on kids these days related to college admissions, and for some kids that acceptance is a brass ring. They get the brass ring…and then what? They haven’t really zeroed in on the fact that college is really 4 more years of school and the brass ring is less about where they will go and more about what they will do. Maybe revisit his future college campus if he’s in the mood, it might help energize him so he begins to think about the future again because it sounds like he was focused on the acceptances only.
thanks @GnocchiB he is a kid who is referred to as ‘most likely to brighten your day’ … I have never seen him like this – SO stressed (when he should have some of the pressure off) – obsessing about the college rescinding his offer – it’s horrible…
I am sorry you are dealing with this around the holidays, but you are on it which is great. I wish you well. These are things that a professional can address, but what you said makes me wonder a couple things…is he feeling unworthy of the admission? Is he worried he can’t really handle it there or isn’t looking forward to the pressure to do so? Is/Was it really his top choice school,or the one others saw him at? He will likely settle into this, but does he have any others coming in that would still be in consideration? Maybe some less stressful safety? We applied to one with the only intention having the option of a “chill” choice on the table and I think it helps having it even though I think odds of attending are about zilch.
Something is terrifying him and it is great you are getting help to find out what it is if it is not obvious to him or you. Hugs.
@momofthreeboys he has wanted to go back - but now everyone is on break – so … i plan on taking him after folks get back and he has been reading stuff about the school watching videos about the place, etc…
I’m glad you are seeking out help for him quickly.
In addition, consider talking to his guidance counselor and see if he/she can assure your S that as long as he doesn’t totally slack off that he will not be rescinded. One poster on CC always says no D’s, F’s or felonies and you are fine. I encouraged my kids to keep her grades in the B range or better to insure no issues.
You might start thinking about a gap year. For some kids a breather before college is a really good idea. In fact Harvard feels so strongly it’s a good idea their acceptance letter now suggests considering it.
I wondered this as well… Is he worried he can’t really handle it there or isn’t looking forward to the pressure to do so? Is/Was it really his top choice school,or the one others saw him at?
Some kids work so long for the prize and then don’t know what to do to next. Sometimes, they miss the adrenaline rush they’ve been experiencing and just drop. I somehow think re-watching videos isn’t going to replace that. Some new challenge might.
Yes agree looking forward. but if he’s watching videos I think that is a good sign that he trying to get himself fired up. I am glad he will have a revisit to look forward to. My kids used to like to start looking at class descriptions and started to think about what classes to take.
@chicorymom – sounds like the standard feeling after achieving a big goal … that you don’t belong there or didn’t really earn it. A crisis of confidence. I would relate a similar experience (like when you got a big promotion or a new job) then ask why he thinks they would rescind his admission. Let him do the talking and seriously listen to what he’s saying (no dismissing of concerns). Only ask questions … as if you’re going through the thought process and discovery with him – to steer subtly the conversation.
I find that’s the best way to calm my D18 when she’s having a crisis of confidence.
I think it is common to think “OMG, what have I done?” when something big, that will be a big change to the status quo, happens. Buy a new house, get a new job, move across country. I remember the first time I was pregnant is immediately thought “OMG, what was I thinking?”
It’s also a long time away for your son, almost a year. He’s busy with all those activities, he likes them, he likes his friends and his team and his current teachers. What if everything falls apart? The help will be good for all of you.
I’m glad you’re getting help for him. It’s not surprising that after having been so stressed, his reaction is depression and anxiety. We expect our kids to feel nothing but joyful relief, but often they’ve been pushing themselves so hard that their systems just kind of collapse. Sometimes they come down with the flu; sometimes they sleep for hours longer than usual for days at a time; sometimes they get depressed, or weepy, or emotionally fragile.
Another possibility is that he’s starting to have feelings of “Why am I doing all this anyway?” A lot of kids focus so hard on excelling and getting into a top school that they never actually stop and ask what the point of all of this is and whether it’s worth it. If he’s feeling like that, he needs to find his own answer for why he’s doing it, or he won’t be motivated to succeed in college.
I’m glad you are seeking professional assistance.
The pressure of “adulting” is just beginning to sink in. This time next year, no matter if he is at his top choice college or sleeping on your couch and working part time, his life, his friends, his environment will completely change. I don’t think it is abnormal to be anxiety ridden about the changes and the choices he has.
Be as supportive as possible. Explain life happens and even if he has the best 10 year plan, external forces will change it. His job now is to learn that change shouldn’t paralyze him.
I often gift the book Who Moved My Cheese and Oh the Places You Will Go to high school seniors. I believe Adaption and willingness to take advantage of opportunities without looking back makes the best person.
Allow him to take a GAP year. There are many things you can do during that year that don’t cost a lot of money–
Student Conservation Association
Volunteer.gov
Americorps (several programs)
workaway.info
The harvard letter on taking a gap year says that almost anythng you do is great.
https://college.harvard.edu/admissions/preparing-college/should-i-take-time
Seeking treatment is the best thing and you got that covered. There is not a whole lot you can other than to guide him thru the treatment process and allow it to work. Young adult males are not always the most conversational about their feeling and anxieties. The job the therapist is to draw that out slowly and appropriately. He has achieved his top choice school and will see the light and bask in it soon.
Congrats to him and I am sorry his reaction did not turn out quite like you had hoped. It is just a small bump in the road.
Is it possible the distance has him concerned? Is he flying clear across the country to the other coast? That is a scary proposition for many and he would not be alone in that regard.
I can still remember feeling like this when I finished college apps - which were a whole lot easier back when everything was submitted via typewriter on paper and snail mail. I was very afraid of many things, leaving home, not finding friends, not having a roommate with similar lifestyle, and, mostly, not being getting top grades anymore and being a disappointment.
When opportunities arise naturally, I let my kids know it’s ok not to make the team, it’s ok to get B’s, that there are always resources to help with material not understood, and there is always one other person who feels the same and can be a friend. And, if it doesn’t work out, a transfer to another department or another school is ok, too. I’m hoping it takes the pressure off, if only it’s just tucked away.
It’s a very scary time for them. I feel for your son and know he’s not alone. If you can, give him an “I love you just the way you are” kind of a holiday. He’ll tuck that away, too. Hugs to you.
all – Thank you ( and i wish i had the time to respond to each of you individually – thought some of that might get redundant) – We have discussed the possibility of a gap year – and he is open to it – though his father is less inclined - I think that a Gap year would be a fabulous opportunity for growth – he is a bit brighter today – so that is good – i talked to his school counselor and asked her to reach out to his teachers a bit – just to see if they have noticed anything and also to make them aware that he is experiencing some difficulties – one thing i failed to mention as i was so focused on him and school (and it is a big one) is that we are relocating to a city 3 hours from our home pretty much as soon as he graduates – so that is not easy for him – as this is the only place he has ever called home. He has an appointment with an MD tomorrow… funny how when you bring them into the world you think that the hard part of parenting are the baby and toddler years …
@chicorymom, all three of my kids have gone through mental illness, ranging from mild to severe. I will give you the same advice that I have been given repeatedly and that users on this website are probably getting sick of!
- "It's not a race." A gap year in the big picture is nothing. Not even a blip. Especially if your son is diagnosed with depression or anxiety. His mental and physical health are much more important than graduating "on time," whatever that means. My husband wandered around all over the country during his 20s, and didn't finish his master's degree in engineering until he was 32. He's doing great now.
- "You want to keep the ball in play." That means you want to keep your son alive long enough that he is stable and thinking clearly. I know that is blunt, but more than one professional has said those words to me. I lost my 20-year-old nephew to suicide a year and a half ago; that is why I hammer home this point.
- If you have other kids, make sure they have someone to talk to. I have learned that siblings of struggling kids almost always AREN'T doing great, even when they assure you they are. They don't want to rock the boat. They also want to seem normal because no way in blank do they want to go through what their sibling is. Our youngest daughter appeared perfectly fine and happy. She wasn't. She ended up in the ER after having a horrible panic attack, related to living in a chaotic household due to mental illness.
Having said that, I imagine your family’s picture isn’t as bleak as ours, but please do not take a chance with your son’s life.