Depression in first year of university

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Hi,</p>

<p>I'm currently in my second semester of university at a large competitive urban school very far away from home. Right now I am at a loss for what to do.</p>

<p>I have been depressed for most of my life, but I am also a very introverted and independent person, so I have never really talked to someone about it. I have learned how to grin and bear it, and that has worked up until this year. I graduated from high school with a high GPA because I went to a very easy school. It didn't matter that I did not really put the work into it. I did the homework and took tests without studying, and poof a 4.0. But college is not like that, obviously.</p>

<p>Last semester I passed all of my classes and ended up with a A- average, despite the fact that I never went to class. I did most of the assignments, but I never really studied, even during exam week. I just stressed over it. I went to my calculus class that met 4 times a week, fewer than 10 times. I am not proud of this, and I go out of my way to hide it. My friends and parents think I went to class. I started spending 18 hours a day sleeping. I have made some friends. I am confident and know that I am very lucky, but I just can't make myself happy.</p>

<p>This has led to alcohol abuse and suicidal tendencies. Again, I can remember these feelings happen as early as 3rd grade, but I have never truly acted on them. My last year of high school, I was president of several clubs and received awards for being "honorable" and stuff like that. Meanwhile, I skipped around 5 days of school and got away with it by lying well, and no one ever found out. One time I even decided to run away. I know that sounds silly. I spent half a day "running away" before deciding that that would be way too cruel to my parents and went back home and covered it up.</p>

<p>But I am sick of this. I am convinced that this is how I am going to live the rest of my life. And the same approach does not work in university. My grades are going to be much worse this term, and I can't even imagine taking the classes that are actually hard. I don't go to class. I just hate it so much. Sometimes I walk all the way to class and then just turn around. When I do manage to make myself sit in the class, I am distracted by everything. Last term I spent calculus classes writing. I don't even like writing. I have been distracted by the fact that we have shadows under the corners of our nose and that the writing on pens is for right-handed people to read. Going to class is stressful. It makes me see how distractible I am. But studying is even worse. I just can't make myself do it. It doesn't matter when or where I try.</p>

<p>I hate the idea of coming out of university with a subpar gpa. I really don't care that much except that I hate doing poorly. Right now all I want to do is drop-out and hope that I will go back later in a better mental state. I don't want to let anyone down. I don't want to make people worry about me. If I have a terrible gpa, my parents will worry and start trying to get to know me. I recognize that my parents "love" me and that they are much happier if they perceive that I am happy. I wish that they cared less. I hate hurting people. If I drop out, then I will shock and let down everyone. I am so sick of having to please people. I don't know what to do.</p>

<p>I know you are going to say to go to student health services, but I can't go for mental help. The job that I most want right now requires that you have never gone to counseling or taken psychiatric drugs. I think the job is really what I want. It's my goal. I am confident that if I were to get that job, it would be good for me mentally and that I could handle it as well as anyone.</p>

<p>But there is a Catch-22, because in order to get that job, I am going to need a good gpa, which is something that I should be capable of. I am intelligent enough, it's that I can't focus. I can't get my mind to work right. I have been worried about this for a long time and have done a lot of research. I think if I were to sit down with a psychiatrist and tell them everything, I would be diagnosed with a disorder. I don't want that. Then I could never do the thing that I want to do. I don't want to need help. I don't know how to ask for help, because I have always been able to pick myself up and suck it up.</p>

<p>I don't have any real desire to be with people. I have made some friends I suppose, but the friendships are quite superficial. I go out with them some, but when I am out, all I do is wish I were alone. I have never had any desire for sex or a relationship with someone, although I have had opportunities for both. I don't really like being with my family either, but I suck it up and pretend.</p>

<p>I don't think I can suck it up any more. I'm scared that I'll end up killing myself, because I think about it too much. But I don't want to hurt anyone, and that would certainly do it. I wish that other people were not so attached to me. I wish I could be free to completely screw up my life without screwing up the lives of others.</p>

<p>Thank you for any advice you can give me. I just don't know what to do any more.</p>

2

<p>I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your posting here is wonderful- it shows that you’re ready to get some help. </p>

<p>PLEASE go see the university health center- your health is more important than any job. You’ve said you’ve felt this way most of your life, do you really think you’ll ‘snap out of it’ once you get your dream job? Unless you get help, you probably won’t.</p>

<p>If you are adamant about not approaching the health center, then it’s time to talk to your family. Your family cares about you and your health, especially if you tell them you’ve had suicidal thoughts. You have issues and you need to get them out and discussed, especially if you can’t do it with friends. Please tell your parents right away. I wish you the best of luck, and remember…there are people who love you and would miss you. Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problem…PLEASE talk to someone ASAP.</p>

3

<p>But I don’t know if I want help if it means giving up the only thing that I think will give my life meaning. But just by posting this on the internet, I might be giving it up anyway.</p>

<p>Telling my parents wouldn’t help. It would just hurt us all. Because it would hurt me to see them hurting, and having them contact me even more would drive me crazy. I don’t want people to worry about me. Shoot I even feel bad posting on here, because I don’t want people to worry about me.</p>

<p>I am not going to kill myself any time soon, don’t worry, but the thought is always there. I hate the phrase that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. That is not always true. People are so self-centered. They take others suicides personally. No one ever asks whether suicide was actually the better answer. It would take a lot to make me do it. My mother went to the funeral of the nephew of one of her co-workers. He had killed himself, and it shook up my mother for days, despite the fact that she had never even met him. That made me so angry. I’m sure the guy did not mean to hurt anyone, far less people that he had never even met.</p>

<p>I think if I did go to health services I would end up lying and getting out of there as quickly as possible, which wouldn’t help me either.</p>

<p>Thank you for the well wishing though.</p>

4

<p>Ok, lots going on here. </p>

<p>Start with basic biochemistry: when you consume alcohol, it lowers inhibition. People often fall asleep well after some drinks. As the alcohol is broken down by the body, the body rises to a different level of sleep – it is not at all unusual to not have the deeply restorative sleep that one needs (or not enough of it). So, we get up in the morning (or early afternoon) and don’t feel rested. So, what do we do? We try and stimulate the system with caffiene and/or sugar. </p>

<p>Pretty soon your body is living the life of a low rent rock star. Constant uppers (caffeine and sugar) and downers (alcohol). Ever see an “old” rock star – ie, some one who is 40? They look 70. </p>

<p>Start with some basic nutrition. See if a week of eating right and getting some exercise doesn’t help. That doesn’t mean you have to be a complete monk for the rest of your life but this really could help you for the moment. </p>

<p>Next, visualize some alternatives. How would you feel if never went to class again in your life? What if that “dream job” didn’t have the mental health restrictions? You are banging your head against some doors with the mindset that they are closed and are going to stay closed. What if they opened? As you visualize, be aware of those scenarios that make you feel like the weight is being lifted off your chest. Those are the paths that you need to explore. </p>

<p>Sometimes people stay in a relationship that they come to hate because they don’t want to “hurt” someone else. Yet living dishonestly IS hurting someone – you. So, find a way to let your parents know that you are miserable. </p>

<p>Reading your post, I am really skeptical that your “Dream job” is really your dream. If it was, then the classes that led to that destination would be exciting – not a chore. Yeah, sure, every major has a few classes that are required, but you should have at least two classes that are amazing – the sort that you would drag yourself to even if you were ill (don’t – no one needs your germs!). But hating your classes is a huge red flag that you aren’t in the right path for you. </p>

<p>This is turning into a long post, so just two more things:</p>

<p>How old were you when you were potty trained? How old were your five closest friends when they potty trained? Don’t know? Well, that’s because it is no longer important to you to know. You don’t give a fig when Betsy or Steve conquered the potty. If they are your pals, you like them for other reasons that potty precociousness. Sorry to zap your bubble but GPA is the same. It is a huge deal in high school. It remains a big deal for some in college (not all. Some colleges, like Evergreen State do not have grades). But from age 22 to 102 your GPA is like potty training. Everyone just assumes you know enough to function and beyond that they do not care. </p>

<p>Lastly, you write “I think if I were to sit down with a psychiatrist and tell them everything, I would be diagnosed with a disorder. I don’t want that.” That may be your intellect fighting with your inner two year old. You know something is amiss but you don’t want that. Please go with your intellect. Something is amiss. You may not be comfortable going for a mental health appointment but you can at least go for a health check up. What if you have mono or Lyme’s disease or sleep apnea? (all can manifest in symptoms of depression or exhaustion). Wow, how dumb to sit and suffer if there are cures! </p>

<p>You need more help than a mom on the internet can offer. You are very articulate and it sounds like you have used your smarts and drive to overcome challenges for a long time. It’s ok to take a vacation from stress. People do all the time. You posted to get some help. That’s a start. Keep it up! Keep looking and asking and learning so that you can put your finger on what is wrong and what could help.</p>

<p>And, for sure, your parents would be devastated if anything happened to you. Hold that in your heart.</p>

5

<p>First, don’t be discouraged if you don’t get a ton of feedback on CC right away. It seems to me that lots of people don’t spend a ton of time on CC on Saturday nights and even sometimes on Sundays. </p>

<p>I agree with mimimomx3 that you need to get some professional help. You are obviously very smart, but also you are very unhappy and unsettled. Please forget about the dream job for now. You have to be comfortable in your own skin. There are so many things that you will be able to do in your life, and one dream job isn’t worth your sanity and enjoyment of life. If you seriously feel like you may be thinking of suicide, please call a suicide hotline. Here is one: </p>

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<p>Please, please get help. And be sure to let us know how you are doing.</p>

6

<p>Thank you for the encouraging post. I read back over mine and I do sound quite obsessed with my gpa. I would like to clarify that I really am not, especially not for boasting purposes. It’s more to demonstrate the gap between how I could be doing and how I am doing.</p>

<p>And because this is starting to get too vague and mysterious. I want to join a branch of the military as an officer. This requires a college degree or else I would already be doing it. I could enlist now but I recognize that I would make a great officer. Yes I realize that there few jobs more stressful than this, but I tend to do best when I am doing something structured and purposeful. It is when I start feeling like there is no point to my life that all of these feelings happen.</p>

<p>Thank you for taking the time to read all of this.</p>

7

<p>I can see your reason for caution. The military tends to be conservative in its approach to mental health issues. Things have been changing but not quickly. </p>

<p>Officers come from all walks of life. Please do not think you have to have an engineering or science degree. What makes your heart sing? I’ve met officers with music degrees, history degrees, animal science degrees – is there something else in the college catalog that makes you think “that’d be cool”?</p>

<p>It used to be (a gazillion years ago) that the military would take hard charging enlisted people and send them to college. One was in my classes at Texas A&M. He was a sergeant and he was on the payroll as an ROTC advisor and was also working on his degree. His plan was to OCS in the summer and then graduate as an officer. Is this still an option? </p>

<p>You might enjoy this video of a dog that needed to find just the right niche by becoming a SURFice dog. </p>

<p>[Rip</a> Curl Ricki the Surf-ice Dog - Animal News: Animal Planet](<a href=“http://blogs.discovery.com/animal_news/2009/12/rip-curl-ricki-the-surfice-dog.html]Rip”>http://blogs.discovery.com/animal_news/2009/12/rip-curl-ricki-the-surfice-dog.html)</p>

<p>I believe (no training in mental health, so keep that in mind) that there is a difference between biochemical depression and situational depression. Is it the situation that you are in that is overwhelming or is it how your body feels 24/7? Figuring that out might help you know where/what might help. </p>

<p>If you can find a path out of the current swamp, then it might help you be a particularly effective officer. You will (almost certainly) work with others who are in a dark place and your own experiences may be what helps them. Do know we all are rooting for you. Seriously. We’d like you to soar.</p>

8

<p>ROTC is unfortunately not an option given the particular school that I chose. My plan is to graduate and then go the OCS route. That is why my gpa matters. OCS is fairly competitive, especially in this economy.</p>

<p>As for the degree, I think I am in the wrong program, but I don’t know what I actually want. I’m trying to explore, and things should be better next year when freshman requirements will be out of the way.</p>

<p>I am going to keep trying to get through it. If I still feel this way this time next year, then I will need to stop and reevaluate my situation.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, I am starting to think that it is biological or at least a response that my brain really likes to trigger. I thought it might be situational, but I have done my best to change my lifestyle, location, hobbies, etc to no avail. The university and its environment that I ended up choosing could be described as the opposite of my high school and hometown, but I still have similar feelings.</p>

<p>Thank you for the encouragement.</p>

9

<p>Progress. By the way, there is nothing wrong with fleeing (like, on this Monday) to the Dean’s office and saying “Calculus is killing me. I hate it. What are my options at this point in the semester?” </p>

<p>Take a look at your pride (you’ve got it if you’ve got “military” in your heart). One of your options will be to drop your most hated class. That will definitely ding your pride --but it will be worth it if you gain in mental health. Visualize dropping your most hated class. Can you feel the weight lifting from your chest? Having one dropped class or one Incomplete will not torpedo your career. Sometimes you have to take the hit to your pride to win the war. </p>

<p>IF you do drop one or more classes, then you will have some time – time to get healthy – by exercising, volunteering, taking a fun/non-graded evening class (like salsa dancing or guitar or gourmet cooking). If you have to “man up” and demand things of yourself, make it an EMT course or volunteer lots of hours. </p>

<p>I would encourage you NOT to wait until “next year”. We are in the middle of winter and those classes you hate and are skipping are not going to get easier or more interesting over the next dozen weeks. It will get worse. Lots worse. Amputate now. At least unload the worst one. (Experience speaking here). Trading Calculus for Aikido could make the sun come out.</p>

10

<p>I’m glad you posted, so that I have the opportunity to tell you that there is hope. </p>

<p>I’ll chime in and agree that, at the very least, you need to talk to a professional counsellor. Olymom is right, don’t put this off. It won’t make it go away by itself, and the sooner you deal with it, the sooner you’re going to feel better.</p>

<p>I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was not much older than you, so I know how it feels. Here’s how my therapist put it to me: “You definitely have some emotional/cognitive/behavioral work to do. But there is also a physical component. You cannot do the work you need to do until you get the biochemical piece under control.” I still protested that I should be able to fix this through sheer willpower, and her response was “If I told you that you had high blood pressure or diabetes, would you think you could or should fix it yourself?” That made sense to me, so she referred me to an MD who prescribed an antidepressant which pulled me out of the black hole. Only then could we start to address my “stuff” which we did successfully. But the medication had to come first. It didn’t fix any of my problems, but it got me to a place where I could start working on them.</p>

<p>Your life and health are more important than GPA and jobs. You know that. You don’t need to decide today what you want to do for the rest of your life. You need to get your depression dealt with first; it will help you make better decisions, and you’ll be better at whatever you do.</p>

<p>You MUST talk to a professional, Monday morning. The school’s health center is the best place to start. Believe me about this: You are NOT the only student there who suffers from depression. This is not an unusual thing among young adults. They are not going to judge you. You are obviously intelligent, so be smart about this and use the resources that are available to you.</p>

<p>In the meantime, tomorrow, I want you to go to the school fitness center and have a good hard workout, or else go for a very long, very brisk walk. Work up a sweat and keep it going for awhile. If it’s sunny where you are, get out into it.</p>

11

<p>I’m already taking a lightish load. My classes really aren’t that hard or that much work. I just don’t do it. That sounds so silly, I know. I probably have too much spare time already. It’s too late to withdraw without penalty anyway. I just need a good kick in the butt to start. Just posting on this topic is making me feel better. Thank you.</p>

<p>I’m not scared of the drugs. I am scared of the implications. I hate to admit this, but I am also scared that it wouldn’t help. It’s nice to always have a “well if I ever get too too down there is always one thing I haven’t tried” scenario. I know depression is a very common thing, but that makes it seem worse. I should be able to deal with this. Schizophrenia, now that is an illness like diabetes (worse I would argue), but I still have a hard time thinking depression is actually an illness, more of a personality trait. My brain likes to dwell in places of pessimism and solitude, but does that make it ill? I’m not sure.</p>

12

<p>Vitamin D (from sunshine, also available in the vitamin section) does play a role in health. Also, you may be able to go to the student health center and say “I want to go into the military and I know I can’t have mental health treatments on my records. So, hypothetically, if a student had XXXX going on, what would you, the doctor, recommend?”</p>

13

<p>As a parent with high expectations for my kids, I do place a great deal of emphasis on success. That said, if one of my children came to me and opened up with what you are dealing with, any expectation I had would go right out the window and my ONLY focus would be to help my child get healthy and whole. </p>

<p>I’m sure your parents love you unconditionally and would go to any measures to help you deal with your problems. Please, please give them the benefit of the doubt and let them in. Your mom’s reaction to the funeral of a suicide victim is understandable. It is so tragic and I’m sure she tried to imagine how such a tragedy could have been prevented. I was also horrified when a young man I knew committed suicide 5 years ago. I thought about it for a long time afterwards and I often imagine how that young man might be today if he had just gotten help and worked through the problems he was dealing with.</p>

<p>Don’t worry about upsetting your parents. We have deep reserves to handle all the surprises that come our way. It comes with the territory.</p>

14

<p>I know they love me unconditionally and would go to any measures to help me deal with my problems, but I don’t want them to have to. I don’t want to stress them out. It would stop their lives momentarily. I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want them to worry. This is love. Love is letting myself hurt so that they won’t have to. If your child said all of this to you, would you not freak out? Would you not wonder what you had done wrong? Would you not worry non-stop? I don’t want them to.</p>

15

<p>Your mother was shaken following the funeral of that kid because she identified with the mother. One of my kids’ best friends killed himself several months ago, and his whole family is devastated. Their pain haunts everyone who knows them, they would do anything to have him back. For whatever reason, we are all interconnected, and what we do has an effect on others. </p>

<p>Please, please get help. Your feelings aren’t going to go away without help.</p>

16

<p>“I know they love me unconditionally and would go to any measures to help me deal with my problems, but I don’t want them to have to. I don’t want to stress them out. It would stop their lives momentarily.”</p>

<p>There lives pretty much did stop when they had kids. I know how it feels to want to protect your parents from the dark and twisty things, but it’s really not always best for either of you. There is more to love than that. Loving yourself is accepting help when you need it, and part of loving your parents is letting them actually be your parents. And part of them loving you is getting over the worry and doing what they need to in order to take care of you. If you could handle this yourself, you would have by now. You need to let someone help you.</p>

<p>And it may not even freak them out as bad as you expect. My sister attempted suicide last year, at the age of 15. It was a big deal for a few weeks when she was in the hospital and there was nothing we could do to help her, but once she got home we were so focused on trying to make things better for her that we really didn’t have time to be worried anymore. Putting aside our own feelings to help out others in need is what families do. </p>

<p>Another option if you are still dead set against counseling or asking your family for help, what about seeking counsel from a religious figure? Would the military ever even find out about that? Even if you aren’t really religious, sometimes that can make a difference even if it’s just a living, breathing person to listen to you.</p>

17

<p>That’s an interesting idea. I am agnostic and don’t think I would be comfortable doing that, but that is an interesting idea.</p>

<p>Thanks.</p>

18

<p>Pulp, I always worry non-stop. To be completely honest, I wouldn’t wonder what I had done wrong if my child was suffering from depression. It’s not uncommon. I would wonder what I had done wrong if my child was suffering and chose not to share it with me. If I knew my kid was in pain even one more day because I wasn’t let in to help, that would hurt. </p>

<p>I know you are a very intelligent young adult, but love is not about allowing yourself to hurt in place of others. Love is about supporting the people we care about through good and bad. It is actually personally fulfilling to be able to help someone and to be needed.</p>

19

<p>“That’s an interesting idea. I am agnostic and don’t think I would be comfortable doing that, but that is an interesting idea.”</p>

<p>I was an agnostic as well when I decided to talk to a pastor. At the time, it was better than nothing and nothing was the alternative. To my great surprise I came out a little bit healthier and a little bit less agnostic. o.O But as long as I felt better, I didn’t care.</p>

20

<p>Try the Unitarians- that would be a good place to start.</p>