<p>I just came back home after leaving my DS at Williams, and I feel emotionally drained. I cried a lot, laughed a little, them cried some more. I even had to stop the car on the way to the airport, I was crying so hard. Memories of our life together kept flashing in my mind. I closed what I believe was the most beautiful chapter in my life. My son has gone from home, and I feel empty, because I have been both father and mother to him for so long. Does anyone else feel the same way? I didn't think I would feel sooo bad, or that the feeling would stay with me all day. How long will this awfull feeling last, I wonder? Is there a typical life-span for this feeling of doom I have?</p>
<p>It sucks, doesn’t it? It will pass, and then you get into a new normal and all that, but it’s not as great as the old normal… in my opinion, anyway.</p>
<p>But the upside is that you get to feel really happy for your kid on this new adventure, and you get to feel proud of the young adult they’ve become. Those are nice feelings! I read on here once someone posted that it was really sad to see them go, but it would be sadder if they were not heading off to college, but instead sitting at home with no ambitions, no direction. Boy, it would be a LOT sadder!</p>
<p>I did last year what you did today… except it was at arch-rival, Amherst. ;)</p>
<p>Tonight I dropped him off at the airport to fly back for his second year. It feels really sad, and like a big, big loss… all over again. But, I know from my experience last year that it will feel much better pretty soon. It’ll get to feel pretty normal, and it’ll be nice to hear from him from time to time by phone or skype or email or whatever.</p>
<p>In a little over two weeks I’ll help my daughter move into her dorm for her first year away. That’ll be HORRIBLE. But then it will get to be normal. I’m not going to think about it now, though. No need to grieve on the installment plan.</p>
<p>Sorry you feel so sad, Williamsdad. I think you will feel better in a few days. Something that a friend told me helped: “This is what you raised him to do.” It’s very hard to disengage from being a day-to-day, caregiving parent, and step back a bit, but you have to do it. It’s part of the hard work of being a parent. You have to give him psychological as well as physical space now, so you both can move on to the next stage of your relationship. </p>
<p>It IS the most beautiful chapter in your life, to raise a child. Try to remember that you’ll always have that chapter there to look over. Think how sad it would be if that chapter weren’t in the book of your life, or if the chapter had been cut short.</p>
<p>I didn’t cry when I left my D. She was acting so horrid that I was glad to get away from her, to tell the truth.</p>
<p>No. Just moved the daughter yesterday. Today I am in a major funk.</p>
<p>“I read on here once someone posted that it was really sad to see them go, but it would be sadder if they were not heading off to college, but instead sitting at home with no ambitions, no direction. Boy, it would be a LOT sadder!”</p>
<p>I remember telling my best friend once that I was worried that my oldest daughter was so pretty that I would have a stream of suiters at home when she grew up, and he replied “Well, did you really want her to be so ugly that no one would like her?” Yes, I guess you can’t win. I just wish he had chosen a school closer to home, like Northwestern, darn it.</p>
<p>“No need to grieve on the installment plan.”</p>
<p>Thanks-I needed a laugh.</p>
<p>Yes, Williamsdad… I hear you about the distance thing. We live in Oregon and DS chooses a college in Massachusetts. Good grief!</p>
<p>bookiemom:</p>
<p>Horrid how? Just crabby? I remember that the day I left for my postgrad in Chicago I felt extremely irritable, so much so that anything anyone said made me cringe and clench my teeth. Atipically, I realized what was happening to me, and I commented on it, and my dad told me it was just a representation of nervousness. Could it have been that?</p>
<p>My son just smiled and looked at me as I drove away. The moment I turned the corner, I started crying in earnest. He looked so sweet!! I will carry the image of him smiling at me like that forever, but I still wish I had taken a picture.</p>
<p>Notears-smiles around.</p>
<p>'rentof2:</p>
<p>I also feel really proud of him, but I notice that “mixed emotions” aren’t really mixed together at the same time. I feel waves of grief interrupted by waves of pride and hope. I guess I have never really had mixed emotions on such a large scale before.</p>
<p>Ugh. I just woke up from a nightmare about my H leaving my S somewhere accidentally. When we got there, he was gone; just vanished.</p>
<p>How will I ever get back to sleep tonight? I find that the nights are the worst.</p>
<p>Hang in there williamsdad.</p>
<p>Yes, momlove, why do you think I am posting at this ungodly hour? No chance of sleeping. I feel terrible. I wouldn’t go to work tomorrow, but I need the money. How else am I going to pay for the implementation of my own torture?</p>
<p>And to think that only a week ago I was complaining that the academic year was too short for the money it costs. Now I am glad that I will have him all next summer, unless he spends it doing research.</p>
<p>This is the beginning of a new chapter with him, one you’ll probably like just as well. Watching them mature, really become adults, delve into careers, have children…whose to say which part is most fun?</p>
<p>I cried when my first left, when my youngest left last year we cracked a good bottle of Champagne, toasted ourselves and began a very fun new chapter in our lives too.</p>
<p>It’s time for you to find some fun new interests!</p>
<p>We have just begun our third year, and, for us anyway, it got better each year. The first year was awful, not all the time, but on and off. Last year it was a good deal better, and so far this year is pretty good. But definitely it’s not terrific and “yay, I’m free!” At least not for me. But when I can be objective, living full time with a moody teenager was not all fun and games either. So, I guess we can’t win. My advice to you is to try to feel the feelings and also try to find new things to do. As a single parent, it’s probably very different for you than for double parents, and I hope that you are not too alone, in addition to being lonely. It is for sure a new chapter in our lives and the transition takes a while. Hang in there!</p>
<p>I feel your pain Williamsdad. My daughter is also a brand-new Eph and it was all I could do not to cry as we said goodbye. We did that away from her dorm in case I totally lost it. It made it a little easier that the setting was so idyllic, the sky so blue, the people so nice. And off she walked with a bounce in her step, just as I would wish for her. I had done my hard sobbing the night before so I managed to contain it to just tearing up a bit as I drove away. My biggest trigger for getting emotional is thinking about her little sister entering her teen years without her big sister around every day. </p>
<p>I’ve pretty much replaced my sadness with worry already. Thoughts of how she’s doing making friends, how she’ll handle her academics, etc., run through my head. I hope she loves it but I know nothing is perfect all the time. She’ll work it out, just as I will work out her not being here.</p>
<p>Williamsdad, I sent you a PM. </p>
<p>All the above advice is wonderful. The problem is that it’s all intellectual. I think we all feel warmth and pride in our childrens’ accomplishments, and satisfaction in the positive direction they are taking with their lives. So the advice about that is sensible and all but it doesn’t really hit the source of the pain, for me anyway.</p>
<p>Rather, what I am feeling is a huge hole of emptiness in my chest. It’s there, constantly. I’m beginning to experience that it doesn’t feel like missing the kids on a daily basis - which I do, acutely, but it’s not the source of the hole. Instead it’s a loss or change in identlty. To summarize, what now? Everything looks different. Even the social life is different. One aspect for example we probably all share is the experience of not having to decide what to do on a weeknight or weekend. For 18+ years this was decided for us - where do the kids need to go tonight? Where is the game? Where is the meeting? In fact, you bemoan with your friends that you would LOVE to get together but you’re all so busy with soccer and baseball and recital and…you just can’t fit it in. So you let your friends, and identity other than your kids, drift away…to become a full-time committed parent. </p>
<p>Now that’s over. The social life doesn’t come to you anymore. You don’t know the other parents at the soccer field. You don’t have a weekend of travel games to attend. </p>
<p>What do you do? Who have you become? What now? </p>
<p>The hardest part is you can’t go back. Our kids are launched. As stated above, the chapter is closed and written. You can go back, read it and enjoy it, but it’s over. There’s a new chapter to write, and it’s really hard to stare at a blank page, knowing that no one can fill it but you.</p>
<p>Daunting.</p>
<p>Every year, every kiddo, every single time. Bawl like the biggest baby ever, EVER.</p>
<p>Sucks.</p>
<p>Williamsdad, sounds like you are a single parent, as am I, and being mom and dad you get the joy/sorrow of not sharing. So I come to CC to moan and groan! Have for over 7+ years. It helps to know that I am not the only freak(kids’ words) on the planet.</p>
<p>And no I am not usually a big crybaby, just when the kittens roam.</p>
<p>Kat
mom to 5 kittens, well, 4 kittens and 1 tiger (football started!!)</p>
<p>Left my freshman DS in his new dorm room 2 days ago. On the advice of CC’ers, I made sure I was out of there early (I had a plane to catch) and was actually in a rush because I was late for my flight. At first it was distressing to leave him in a dorm room only half set up, but upon reflection, the CC advice about leaving early move-in day was great advice. It forced DS to put his own things away and really take charge of his room. (I did manage to get his bed made which, for some reason, was really important to me.) It also prevented me from hanging out too long and becoming a nuisance.</p>
<p>I, too, am a single parent so I know just what you mean about being both mom and dad. It’s a tough, but fulfilling role. I was in a funk yesterday when, out of the blue, I got a quick call from DS. He filled me in on the rest of his move-in day, then had to run. Suddenly, I realized what I was looking for - just that DS remembered me. (Sounds dumb, doesn’t it?!) Everything seemed okay after that.</p>
<p>It’s funny; I actually planned on shoving DS’s bed off to one side of his room and taking it over as my quilting room. Instead, I washed his sheets last night and remade his bed so that it will be all ready for him when he comes home for Christmas. The best laid plans of mice and men . . . </p>
<p>Anyway, spent this morning looking over Rivals.com about the upcoming games and began to really miss DS again. Who am I going to talk football with? Who am I going to scream at the refs with? Dang, I am actually tearing up. Shoot.</p>
<p>I didn’t cry when we left her. Hubby bawled. My tears kicked in a bout 2 months later. go figure. It gets better with time and texting, calls and e-mails help. We literally did a count down to Thanksgiving when we would see her again. (Why did I allow my child go to school 600 miles away?) The dog now gets ALL of the attention and she’s loving it- lol</p>
<p>This is the 2nd year and I still miss her terribly, but as others have said, this is what we have been preparing our children for. You will be proud of the independence that your child exhibits. Go ahead and mourn. It gets better as days go by. </p>
<p>Imagine the joy you will experience when you see the child again!</p>
<p>I didn’t cry when I abandoned my firstborn to the elements. Ok, fine, it was a nice dorm, but you get the idea. I was all cried out by that point and the whole concept of walking away from her was so surreal that I had an out-of-body experience. I just couldn’t process it. I had no real connection to my actual life for the first few days, I was that shocked. But the first Monday that she called to chat on her way to class and said “mom, we always talk for God’s sake” and I realized that our relationship would still be close, I was ok. My younger daughter (15) was inconsolable.</p>