I think many parents here would be surprised what their “kids” put up with “willingly” just my college experience.
I didn’t go away to school so my only roommate experience was with my sister who was so unpleasant that my parents finally separated us and allowed me to lock my door from the inside at night. After that, I figured any college roommate my kids got would have to be an improvement. My D’s first roommate had a slew of nasty girls as friends, who would come into the room and do things like stick D’s hairbrush in the fridge. D complained to the RA and the girls were banned from her room and the roommate had to hang out in theirs. D asked for a single the next year. I could not afford the upgrade, so D applied to become an RA and was accepted. She had a single the rest of her time there.
Middle son was probably that roommate. Although he had always ahared a room at home, he had (at that time undiagnosed) anxiety. He made it through the first year without saying more than 10 words to the poor kid who was his roommate. The second year, he got a roommate who he didn’t adjust well, too, and he flipped and started sleeping in the lounge. When D (who was at the same school) told me, I got him moved to a single. Our financial picture had improved slightly and I was able to afford it. I realized at that point that there are some kids who just shouldn’t be roommates.
S17 did the random roommate thing. It has worked out very well and he is with the same kid for the second year. They are thinking about a third year together. They made a deal early on about overnight guests - none. One is straight, the other gay and they decided no guests (other than my other sons, who have visited on occasion) was the way to go. The thing that shocked me the most when I visited is that my son is the neat roommate! He told me his roomie is so messy that he often tidies his side of the room. I see him being neater at home now, too.
@homerdog yes the BF went away to school… but schools have different breaks and days off… so he managed to visit 3-4 times a year and stay for a night… never more than one night. My D actually liked him a lot and she really never minded… he really did sleep on the floor…and if she was fine with it and if it didn’t disrupt her life at all… then it really wasn’t my place to interfere. Not only did the roommate not drink, but neither she nor her bf believed in being sexually active before marriage ( she told my D) . so there was really nothing going on at all …besides him sleeping on the floor.
As far as being messy… my kid is a huge slob. Everything else about her is so uptight that I guess something has to give! She learned to be neater once she had to share a room, and 2 summers ago when she shared an apartment for 11 weeks she had very little patience for her apartment mates who left dishes in the sink and dirty clothes everywhere etc… but she learned how to handle it.
We have to let go a little bit ( it’s not easy) and let them solve their own problems and decide what works for them, with guidance from us if necessary.
Last year there was a thread on here where the OP was a college girl whose roommate wanted her out-of-town boyfriend to sleep in the room periodically (I think 2 weekends a month?). It was very interesting to me to read everyone’s responses. I would have said that the boyfriend couldn’t stay because the rooming arrangement was for 2 people only. Many posters responded that it was the roommate’s room also and the roommate had the right to use the room too and have guests. That’s what I love about CC, you get to hear different perspectives.
I don’t think my daughter would have been ok with 2 weekends a month, but luckily it wasn’t an issue. Regardless, if it was an issue I would have encouraged her to try and work it out with the roommate and RA if needed. Having the bf over 1 or 2 nights per semester… sleeping on the floor… wasn’t a concern for her. It didn’t really matter what I thought, she was the one living it.
In a perfect world guests would be discussed ahead of time, with both students coming up with a plan that works for both. It’s not a perfect system, problems do arise, and we have to hope that we gave them the tools necessary to work it out… with our guidance as necessary. It’s like training wheels… eventually they problem solve on their own… that’s part of college.
I taught my daughter not to expect her roommate to be her best friend. If they are, great. If not, your goals is just to be pleasant to each other.
One of my dd’s roommates has a boyfriend. They have a system for “communicating” that was agreed upon and works for all. He does stay over frequently but the girls all adore him and refer to him as the 5th roommate. They even included him in their room secret santa gift exchange. Roommate and boyfriend are always very respectful of the other roommates. Just wanting to point out, that sometimes it can all be worked out amicably and actually be a positive.
@oldfort I agree! That said, my roommate used to lock me out of my own room while she was having sex with whomever of the day – I would get back to campus (my boyfriend now my ex husband) lived with his parents off campus and I would often spend the weekend there and come back late on a Sunday night to find myself unable to come into my own room (or at my own peril which honestly I sometimes did) – like she had all weekend while I was gone and had to be there Sunday night… some people are rude and selfish I guess.
@liska21 “sexiled” lol! :">
@emptynesteryet I agree! Although with D18, I suspected she would put up with waaaaaay too much. She is very patient and tolerant.
Maybe I was set up since the housing questionnaire is so loooooooong and detailed. Maybe one of the questions should have been: Would people closest to you describe you as crazy? Do you think you’re crazy? In normal every day situations, do you respond appropriately or reasonably or are you just plain crazy? 8-}
@Meddy lol!!!
There is a 6 1/2 age gap between my oldest and youngest, and there are 5 of them altogether. I think just living in a small 1 1/2 bedroom home and being in close circles of friends helped/will help. Dd22 lived 2 years in the dorms and 2 years off campus with several roommates, ds20 dormed his first 2 years and now lives in a fraternity house with 9 other guys. Dd18 and dd16 shared a room, clothes and many activities for most of their lives, and get along great - actually they all do, arguments are rare, they save those for friends I guess. I think communication is very important, before something becomes a problem. I dormed with the same roommate for 4 years, were strangers at first.
It was quite an adjustment for both of my kids when they went off to the dorms. Both had their own room at home and it was their castle.
Both of them moved off campus the very next year and were much more content. Although they had roommates when they lived off campus, they had their own room, which made a big difference.
I can remember sharing some of my own college dorm nightmares with the kids but I don’t know if they were even listening. One difference nowadays is they were immediately on their phones texting with friends and everyone was sharing their first year experiences.
@Meddy Definitely the questionnaire my D filled out could have been more useful. The following for example would have been more useful
On a scale of 1 (that sounds horrible) to 10 (that sounds great), please rank the following dorm room activities.
- Playing Halo with friends.
- Watching an action movie and with 5-6 friends.
- Spending the evening with friends playing Settlers of Catan and drinking tea (or hot cocoa).
- Having a pre-party party before heading out to a frat party (or bar).
- Chilling and smoking some weed with friends.
- Enjoying a quiet night reading a book for pleasure.
- Having a dance party in the room.
- Baking cookies (in the dorm kitchen) and then decorating them with friends.
- Playing Dungeons & Dragons.
- Doing an arts and crafts project with friends, while listening to soothing music.
- Having a hook-up.
- Studying.
- Having a religious gathering (e.g. bible study).
- Watching an art film and then discussing.
- Watching a football game on TV with friends.
- Watching a political debate and then discussing and debating with friends.
- Doing my own thing on my phone while my roommate does whatever (as long as it's quiet).
- Having my BF or GF over and getting intimate while roommate is out for a few hours.
- Hanging out and playing drinking games with friends.
- Listening to an opera and drawing (or writing) quietly together with my roommate.
You are hanging out in your dorm room on a Friday night. Which of the following would make the evening more fun (choose as many as you like):
1-3 friends, 6-10 friends, beer, tea, hard liquor, weed, hot chocolate, solitude, porn, soda, video games, movies, rap music, classical music, board games, musical instruments, a hook-up
@meddy I never saw the questionnaire - it was long? D made it sound like no big deal.
Love the sound of your D’s floor. That’s still the main circle for my D 4 years later, that first year floor group.
Our son is our only child. He did not have to share a bedroom or a bathroom growing up, and he opted for a single his four years at boarding school. We never discussed how to be a good roommate. A kind and considerate person, yes. Roommate, no. He chose a service academy for college, and the Army forced him to room and shower with 4,400 other cadets. Rather eye-opening, but he adapted. He’s never had to deal with inappropriate drinking, drugs, or sexiling at West Point as those behaviors are reasons for separation. He does crave his privacy when he’s home, though, and he’s looking forward to being on his own again after graduation.
@liska21 I think you are on to something! A “would you rather” of sorts would be awesome, too!
@OHMomof2 Yes. I recall because I was in the same room as D18 read some of the questions out loud. There was plenty of space to write in answers, too. Yes, that floor is so sweet. I love how she describes the students. Several athletes and they just mix in so well, so she has been invited to some of their events and she supports them at their games. As you know, that seems to come up as a concern on here about the athlete/narp divide. She doesn’t see that at all. I’m encouraged that your daughter had a good floor, too. It has been a nice go to group for her when she has to avoid the room.
My three college-aged girls shared one (not overly big) room since they were 8, 8 and 5 years old. So they were well equipped to communicate with, compromise with, and navigate roommates in college. They were/also well aware that the relationships might not always be smooth, but they didn’t have to be toxic either. One twin was in a triple as a freshman and my current freshman is in a triple. The senior is not friends with her two roommates now (one left the school.) The other senior is friends with all her roommates over the years. She is suitemates with one and right down the hall from another. The freshman is friends with one roommate and tolerates the other because (and this a quote) “she’s a lot.”
It was bet selfish on my part, but I was the one who insisted on my girls getting a single the first year. D1 said it may prevent her from making friends. I told her to just keep her door open (eye rolling). I really didn’t want to deal with their roommate problems. The second year they had to live with a roommate at their sorority, but they were able to pick their roommate and both of them were able to room with their best friend. Yes, I still got an earful from them the second year.
Because I thought (perhaps incorrectly) that my kid would not promptly talk to his roommate about any issues that come up, I told him to always talk to his roommate frankly and in respectful manner if anything bothered him, and if there is any dispute to talk to the Residence Assistant in charge. But when we were helping him move in, I met his roommate and the other two quad-mates, and all of them were very nice kids. My kid tells me his roommate even starts cleaning the entire room without being asked because he cannot stand dirty environment. His roommate is too busy studying with his study buddies in library, so my kid often has the entire quad to himself, and he says it’s great.