<p>loneranger:</p>
<p>I think you made some good decisions, including letting your D know know why you want her to attend mass. I think you’ve done what you can and it’s now up to her to decide what to do and as people have stated, college is her focus now so even if she doesn’t attend mass now that doesn’t mean she won’t later on.</p>
<p>Just don’t be disappointed when she ignores your advice and doesn’t attend. Be prepared for that very real possibility. It’s the way of kids. </p>
<p>I have a kid who nods and seems to agree with us. Then he completely ignores us. </p>
<p>Just remember that if she attends mass or not, she can still live a moral life.</p>
<p>I applaud you, loneranger60. It’s very hard to let our kids make choices that we don’t feel are the best for them without interfering. The payoff for letting our kids live their own lives, and even make mistakes, is that they feel they can be themselves with us, without being judged, which brings them closer to us. You’ve taken a big step in that direction, which can only be a positive thing for your relationship in the future.</p>
<p>That’s great Loneranger! We can all see how much you love your daughter and she surely knows it better than anyone.</p>
<p>Prayer is good.<br>
Though I am not Catholic, my best wishes to you that this works out for all.</p>
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<p>This is an excellent point. On a tangent and not trying to hijack, I remember when I was dating my H. We both were of the same religion however my church was very liberal and his was uber conservative. He had not been to church in probably 10 years. His mom was ill and dying and I offered to take her to church and my H decided to come along. His mother had helped build the church, find the minister etc. etc. etc. and H had been confirmed there. When he walked in the snarky minister asked him if he wanted to sign the guest book. I was livid with the minister and my H has never stepped foot into a church building again. I think you are right to let her come when she is ready and hopefully the congregation (if that’s what they call in it the Catholic church) will make her feel so welcome she will want to return.</p>
<p>Sounds like you found an excellent way to handle the dilemma. You might still talk to your priest, or the priest at her school, to see if he has more “advice and comfort” for you, as another poster put it.</p>
<p>As a Jewish person looking in on this conversation, I just have a question…if a person just attends Mass–is just physically there–but is there under duress, or is not truly and freely participating (daydreaming, playing angry birds, whatever), where does this fall as far as whether the person at the Mass is in a state of sin or not?</p>
<p>And Shana Tovah to all of you…a good and sweet and happy and healthy and prosperous year!</p>
<p>Honestly, your daughter is an adult and, as such, she should be free to make her own choices regarding her religious beliefs or lack thereof. I think it is wrong to force her to go to church just because that is important to you.</p>
<p>"I guess I feel very bad that she is not at least trying to get involved in the church. "</p>
<p>Fine! Feel badly! That’s YOUR problem. But to try and coerce your D into going to church by threatening to withhold tuition $$ , is as bad as shackling her with chains and dragging her to church yourself. Jeeze!</p>
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<p>The mom has already said she isn’t going to do this.</p>
<p>Maybe this church isn’t all that? Maybe it’s toooooo much, too rah rah rah for her. While it may not be stodgy, maybe it’s all cheery and aren’t we great feel? </p>
<p>And tell your son to stop bugging sister.</p>
<p>Ps tell dad to let go of the deal as well, that he thinks his loving daughter spit on them over this is sad</p>
<p>Unless I missed a post somewhere…this is one of a VERY FEW number of threads where all of the respondants agree. I haven’t seen any response here that says the parents should withhold college cost money if their kiddo doesn’t go to Mass every week.</p>
<p>Not too many threads with THIS much agreement!!</p>
<p>I don’t know how large ops family is, but if I was in this situation, I would be concerned with how the sibling relationship is impacted by parental expectations.
Grandchildren often get along with grandparents so well because " they have a common enemy" 
( note that this is tic). Siblings should have the same bond and not be placed into a position of feeling one child is behaving " better" than the other.</p>
<p>btw–just to give the OP some hope, of all my sibs (and I) who were not that faithful in mass attendance during college (only one went to a Catholic college), those who are married all married Catholics. One brother and his wife now go to a protestant church. (Parents not happy about it, but this couple is still loved and involved with the family, and still go Catholic church for family events. We don’t bring up the subject of religion.) We all married spouses who were MORE religious than we were, so we have been more involved in the church than when we were kids. Among our collective kids, 9 are already out of college or in college. Only one of these kids has had a real “church battle” with his parents and claims to be an atheist.</p>
<p>In the Catholic church, you need to ATTEND mass. You have to be there. It is OK to sit there not paying attention or wondering what you are doing there. Maybe you just came for the coffee and doughnuts after mass. You still get a point for that. Catholics believe that you are in the real presence of God when you are in church, so even if you are angry or unbelieving, just being there can have some spiritual benefit.
Playing Angry Birds might distract your neighbor, however. I wouldn’t recommend it.</p>
<p>thanks for the answer to my question, atomom.</p>
<p>I always like to learn about different faiths…so many different approaches.</p>
<p>Good for you, loneranger. I think you’ll find backing off works out better for you and for your daughter.</p>
<p>The crises in the Church have turned my children off, first and foremost, but also one of their high schools really was overbearing on the issue of mass and turned the two who attended there off totally. Bottom line to them all-show me the grades and the degree and I can overlook something like this. Our family mantra is:“show me the money” meaning good grades and progress towards that degree.</p>
<p>sorry if i’m being condescending, but do you really think forcing her to go is going to make her any more receptive to the religion? i think that since she is an adult, you should expect her to make adult decisions, and that means giving her religious freedom. what you should really be worrying about is that she does well in college.</p>