Disappointing Parents

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>I'm at a top 20 LAC, and miserable. I have no friends, and am incredibly lonely.</p>

<p>I'm applying to transfer somewhere back home, and to a much lower ranked and not as well known LAC.</p>

<p>My mom didn't want me to come here, then she did some research on it and got really excited. Now she says she will be disappointed if I transfer to a lower ranked school. She doesn't understand what the social part has to do with anything, as long as the academics are good. </p>

<p>I'm torn between my desire to go someplace else where I think I would be happier, versus sticking it out here.</p>

<p>I'm not even sure transferring would make me happier, and now I'm terrified of making another mistake. The one thing I do know is that I need to get out of here.</p>

<p>How do I deal with the fact that I've disappointed my parents?</p>

2

<p>Why do you use the words " get outta here"?
That would be a start. It is early to have lots of friends. Are you homesick?</p>

3

<p>Been there done that.... went to Smith, once ranked higher than Colgate, then decided it wasn't for me... which meant disappointing a BUNCH of people, including a couple of powerful alumnae. Yikes.</p>

<p>Heh, fortunately, USNEWS reversed their rankings so now Colgate is ranked higher than Smith.</p>

<p>Rankings aside, I've been there with my mom. She was SO excited of me going to Smith (Her dream school) and was really supportive all year along. It made talking to her about transferring and that I was seriously unhappy very hard. So I talked to my dad a lot (even though he is a Colgate alumni) because he's pretty easy going and just wanted me to be happy. He even willed himself to drive me for two hours for an hour visit to Colgate over their spring break (ha, a pretty dead campus!).</p>

<p>How did I manage to convince my mom into accepting Colgate? Several things:
1) Idea of me moving closer to home
2) Attitude adjustment from me- I was SO excited when I got my first summer package from Colgate and was literally walking on cloud-nine after I sent in my deposit. It was when she realized how seriously unhappy I was at Smith- she hadn't seen such a big smile and sparkling eyes in such a long time. It's a huge thing for parents to see their children's eyes lit up instead of having dull, lifeless eyes</p>

<p>and... best of all (though I don't recommend it but use it as a last resort)</p>

<p>3) She spent the night in my room (when she came to pick me up for the summer) and was completely grossed out by my room (I lived with a very dirty and messy roommate who only did her laundry once or twice a semester) and the girls she met because they weren't well-put together. She was just plain turned-off by everything that she saw in less than 24 hours.</p>

<p>That changed her mind pretty quickly to get me out of there. But she was still in denial but that went away when I finally entered Colgate in the fall and talked SO much about my new experiences and friends.</p>

<p>Really, just find someone in your family who can be supportive and an ally. Take care of the transfer applications and pay the fees yourself. Your parents will need to get used to the idea and hear a couple of teary phone calls in February.</p>

4

<p>Was the transfer process hard? I mean, was it hard to adjust and make friends at Colgate?</p>

5

<p>Interesting to see that alot of parents go crazy over what college their son/daughter goes to. My parents really didnt care how highly ranked my school was, as long as it was my choice and I was happy. I dont think parents should worry about how highly ranked a college is...THE COLLEGE WILL NOT MAKE YOU SUCCEED, ONLY YOU WILL.</p>

6

<p>It seems more depressing than interesting.</p>

7

<p>Hazmat- I'm a sophomore...</p>

<p>Thanks for the experience ticklemepink, it makes me feel a lot better.</p>

<p>My mom keeps implying that I'm selfish and that I've done something wrong. She says she thinks I need to just come home and work, and maybe then I'll appreciate things better and realize it's not all about the social aspects.</p>

<p>I understand it's not all about the social part, but that IS part of it. I don't understand her attitude that it has to be here or nothing, I feel like she's trying to punish me by making me come home. But I don't understand what I've done that's so wrong.</p>

<p>Then she goes into tirades about how she prolly didn't raise me right, that I always take the easy way out, and that I'm selfish. </p>

<p>But I still don't understand what I did that was wrong. I don't think I've done anything wrong to warrant this kind of attitude from her.</p>

<p>I just feel really guilty about the whole thing.</p>

<p>But at the same time I feel like the world doesn't have to end when I make one mistake or when I don't live up to the ideal they wish for me.</p>

<p>It's just hard for me to accept that they think I'm selfish, and that they think they didn't raise me right, and that they're disappointed. My parents and I have never been so set against each other on a big decision like this before.</p>

<p>I kept letting them in, telling them things, hoping they would understand me better, but I don't think they ever will. Now just comes the task of accepting that.</p>

<p>It's SO hard. I've always gone along with what they wanted me to be, thinking that they were always right, that that was the way a good person is.</p>

<p>I just can't accept that we might never see eye to eye, I desperately want them to be proud of me. I'm an only child. It's hard to balance making them happy with making me happy.</p>

8

<p>what is it that makes it hard for you to make friends with the kids at your current school? top 20 LAC kids should be fairly smart and social.</p>

9

<p>Well, I would try changing dorms first if you can't seem to connect with anyone. It's one thing I did NOT do- only out of pure laziness of moving in the middle of the snowy winter.</p>

<p>Make every effort. You'll thank yourself later when the D-Day comes and you'll feel less guilty about your choices- only your parents can't feel that because they haven't experienced the difficulty of trying. Stay open. Write e-mails chronicling your days.</p>

<p>Just like any new school, things are tough at first and fortunately, friendships change a lot throughout college so you'll be able to fit in a couple of groups over time once the dynamic of that group comes in your favor.</p>

10

<p>Dont blame the school for not providing friends for you. You have to make friends on your own</p>

11

<p>
[quote]
My mom keeps implying that I'm selfish and that I've done something wrong. She says she thinks I need to just come home and work, and maybe then I'll appreciate things better and realize it's not all about the social aspects.</p>

<p>Then she goes into tirades about how she prolly didn't raise me right, that I always take the easy way out, and that I'm selfish.</p>

<p>But at the same time I feel like the world doesn't have to end when I make one mistake or when I don't live up to the ideal they wish for me.

[/quote]

Selfish? Selfish!?</p>

<p>What's selfish is them trying make your decisions. Tell your mom that it's your life, not hers. A parent's job is to raise you and point you in the right direction in life, not to drag you around like a dog on a leash. </p>

<p>But it's a double sided sword as this is indeed your life, and your mistakes if you make them. You gotta think carefully about your decisions. Sure, you're going to screw up. But make sure that they are YOUR screw-ups, not your parent's.</p>