Depressed, upset with college choice...and made the mistake of staying another year.

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hey guys, so I won't go on and on but in a nutshell here is my situation.</p>

<p>I probably didn't think it out too well when I first chose colleges, and my parents were pretty insistent that I go to a small private religious school. I didn't really object, since I thought a small school might be nice since it would foster a tight community, it would be easier to make friends, etc. </p>

<p>Which in many ways is actually true. I have thankfully met a couple people who I would consider to be lifelong friends. Had is not been for them, I honestly don't think I could ever have made it as far as I have in my college career and I don't even want to think of where I would be. </p>

<p>However, the problem I have with my school is twofold. First, I just downright don't like it. It's small, pretty much nothing ever happens, rumors spread like wildfire, the student body often seems very close minded on issues, etc.
Second, I feel I kind of did not get off to a good start at all my freshman year...it was a pretty miserable year altogether, I quickly grew to hate the school, and I ended up reacting to my uncomfortableness and homesickness in ways I probably shouldn't have. I drank a lot (something I'm normally not even characterized by), met a lot of people who I thought would be good friends but in the end weren't good friends at all, and discovered I'm way more introverted than I realized I was. My depression probably didn't help either. </p>

<p>I felt alienated from my school. I would have panic attacks in the small cafeteria, feeling like all eyes were on me and that I would never fit in. I felt like throwing up, and I felt like completely giving up.</p>

<p>By some miracle, I made it through freshman year with a good GPA. I worked at school over the summer, and I told my parents I was toying with the the thought of transferring, several times explaining to them that I didn't like my school at all. </p>

<p>But I feel they never really thought I meant it 100%, and to this day when I say I don't like my school I feel like all they think is it's just me being a pessimist and I should just suck it up and get a new outlook on life. </p>

<p>I just feel horrible about the whole situation. I would love nothing more than to transfer to a much bigger school and start fresh. However, my parents seem to have this obsession with small private schools (seeing they both went to one) and no amount of convincing seems to sway them otherwise. </p>

<p>I went back to school this year, hoping things would be better. In some ways they are, and I work two jobs on campus and try to make the best of it but I still don't like the school and with each day that passes I feel more and more sick and depressed with the thought that I will graduate from a college I never liked and only managed to have a marginal social life at. </p>

<p>Oh, and I am a first semester junior (meaning I will be a junior next fall semester then a senior, since I transferred in with some community college credits).</p>

<p>I tried to keep this short. I am just depressed and desperate and feel I've done everything in my power to make my college experience better this second year but it's just not working. Any advice and help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. </p>

2

<p>First of all, stop feeling sorry for yourself and take a minute to recognize that a ton of kids would LOVE to be in your situation, attending a 4 year college. As a junior it is hard to transfer as almost all colleges require that you spend at least two years on their campus. As a compromise, why don’t you talk to your parents about doing a semester abroad or in an exchange program with another US college so you can get a different experience while you are still technically at the school they want you to be at (see what is available at your school and approach your parents with a well thought out plan that can be done through the school). I’d also suggest that you seek out clubs/activities that you are interested in or even try something entirely new (it is usually easy at a small school to join clubs etc.) and hopefully you will meet more people and find more social outlets there. And remember, the primary reason to go to college is to get an education so even it you don’t love it, take advantage of the academics and set a path for a happier future… </p>

3

<p>That bad? Any counseling facilities at the school? I agree with Happy, by the way. It’s not as though you have all the choices in the world. Perhaps a local school and commuting from your parents home is a better option? There may be a local state school that will give you a degree in less than 2 years, but most colleges do have a 2 year residence requirement. </p>

<p>You are well over 18 now, I assume which means you are an adult. Your parents do not have to support you anymore They can offer up options for which they are willing to pay, and you can take them or find something else you can do yourself. If you can get them to pay for 2 more years at big uni and you can transfer there, then that’s an option, but they may be done with this. It’s their money, you know. </p>

4

<p>Please let the school know that you are very depressed and let them guide you to counseling services. An antidepressant may be in order so you should be open to that possibility. Hang in there, but don’t try to tough it out without professional help. Good luck to you.</p>

5

<p>^^^ I second the above suggestion.</p>

6

<p>I understand that you don’t like your school. But disliking a school shouldn’t bring on panic attacks. You should discuss your anxiety and depression with a professional. Perhaps if you get treatment and feel better, the school situation will seem more tolerable. You say you are an introvert, and maybe those few friends are all you really need. Perhaps you don’t like the typical college social scene very much. Some people don’t and it may not be so different at another school. </p>

7

<p>I was a little confused about the “being a Junior” thing. So are you saying that although this is only your second year there, you are technically a junior became of credits you had coming in? I am going to take a different approach than the previous posters. Life is too short to spend time being that unhappy. If you feel like you have given it your best shot, and that you can successfully transfer somewhere else, then I say do it. That is the advice I would give my own child. I am not one to wallow in misery. I have to be proactive and do something about it.</p>

<p>Having said that, I do think talking to a counselor would be helpful. Depression is not something to fool around with.</p>

8

<p>Talk to a counselor ASAP.
It sounds like you were “convinced” to attend a college that is a poor fit. It’s not the end of the world but if you’re miserable and there are solutions, do seek them out.
I agree with HarvestMoon1 above: life is too short to be so miserable. You should at least investigate the possibility of other schools. However, hurry, since some colleges have transfer deadlines on March 1 (most have April deadlines though). So start looking at other schools you may interested in and may still be okay for your parents. (Are they focused on prestige? On “private” vs. public? On religion? Is THAT college so important or would other colleges be equally acceptable to them? What are their criteria?)
Investigate other schools - colleges that may be bigger than the one you’re at but where you may fit in better. Perhaps not a religious college but a secular one. Your state flagship or, if your state has one, a possible compromise might be the state’s honors/liberal arts college, which is smaller than a flagship but larger and more diverse than a small religious LAC - for instance, UMN Morris, Truman State, Geneseo, TCNJ. (BTW these colleges are not too expensive even from out of state).
What’s in-state for you? What’s your major?
BTW even if you have enough credits to be recognized as a junior, you’re still in your second year and therefore can be considered a sophomore (it’ll depend on the college you transfer to how they consider you but all will require 2 years on campus). It’s pretty much your last chance to transfer so explore your possibilities now.</p>

9

<p>Hmmm. At this stage of the game you need to check out a few things (while finding emotional support from a therapist or counselor). 1: How many transfer credits would you have from both your community college and this 4-year school, if you wished to transfer to a new school? Also, how many transfer credits would you have, counting your community college credits and any credits from a study abroad or exchange program that would be applied to a degree at this school? You need to know this because many schools limit how many “transfer” credits can be applied to your bachelors degree. This info might influence your strategy and choice about transferring into another school. 2: What major and career are you seeking? Could a new school prepare you better? Would the new school accept any transfer courses into their major? What would be the sequencing in the new school’s major, and could you use summers to shorten the time it takes to complete your degree while also keeping on-track in your sequence? (BTW, not all colleges require you spend two years at the school. Most will require your final semester be spent at the school and some require all your major’s courses to be completed “in residence.”)</p>

<p>Consider the long view and weigh your options at other schools with the (sad) bird in the hand. Maybe take a semester off (but check with your financial aid office about implications first) for a breather, or a full-time internship, or… ? </p>

10

<p>If a semester or year abroad (or as a “guest student” at another college/university in the US) is possible, consider that option. It would get you off campus for a while, and might make the last semester or so tolerable.</p>

<p>Many people end up graduating from colleges and universities that they feel little or no emotional attachment to. It really is much more common than you think. If this is the only place your parents will let you attend (or the only place they can afford), then finding a way to get through your degree program so you can get on with your life is your best option.</p>

11

<p>You may like diversion of semester abroad. Or “semester away” (you go to another US campus… example - DS’s school offers direct exchange with Illinois/Champagne-Urbana)</p>

12

<p>I’ve been hearing stories like this more often. I’m going to blame the media. They portray college as “the best time of your life” that if someone is not having “the best time of their life” then there must be something wrong. But for many people, college is not “the best time of their life.”
On top of that, you might feel depressed because you feel trapped since you feel like you can’t leave based on your parents’ wishes.
I think that you should totally explore your options about attending your public university and present it in a organized fashion to your parents. Transfers apps are due very soon, so you have to start now. Since this is your 2nd year in college, you will usually have to spend 2 years at the new college so that basically your comm college units are going to go “unused.” If you were going to graduate from the small private school in less than 4 yrs, then you may have to discuss this extra cost with your parents. If the public u is more expensive than the private, then you will need to discuss this with your parents. The most important thing is that YOU DO HAVE OPTIONS. You are not completely trapped. You can also take a year leave of absence and explore; many colleges allow you to take a leave and return without an issue. Why be so miserable that you are getting panic attacks? Life is too short.</p>

13

<p>I agree with most of the posts above. Here’s what I would do:

  1. Your college is a small religious school. If it’s Catholic, should be plenty of study abroad opps in Rome. Check it out. A change of scenery, even for one semester, makes all the difference. </p>

<p>2) Contact a few other schools that you think you might like to attend and see what it will take to transfer. You might have to stay an extra year since you’re a Junior but you can make the best of it by adding a second major. Not sure what you’re studying but adding a practical second major (such as accounting or computer programming) is also good for landing that entry level job after college.</p>

<p>3) If the first 2 suggestions don’t work for you, tell your parents that you’re very depressed and dropping out of college. Many years ago I was a top HS student and got into an Ivy but was miserable because I didn’t feel like I belonged there with all the really rich kids. My parents were upset but I dropped out anyway and went to work as a clerk for a big company during the day and hung out with my HS friends in the evenings and weekends. A couple of months into this life and I realized that I missed my new friends from college, my HS friends had changed, and I couldn’t stomach the thought of working at my job for the rest of my life. It was fine but skull numbing. Going to college was much easier than working an 8 to 5 clerical job. (Without a college degree, I was lucky to get that job.)</p>

<p>Anyway, I did go back to the Ivy with a very different mindset, made a ton of wonderful friends, and loved the rest of my undergrad years after that. Sometimes it’s not the school, just where you are emotionally. Which is why my first suggestion is for you to take some time off and think about what you want to do (or in my case, what not to do) with life. Good luck!</p>

14

<p>I think you’ve gotten some really good advice. Please do check in with the counseling center. Then, look at the implications of transferring as it relates to whether or not you will spend more time in college than you would if you stayed where you are. Even if you would, if finances aren’t an issue, that may not be a problem (or, if the new school is less costly, maybe it wouldn’t cost more). </p>

<p>I think many people have the idea that transferring is bad somehow. I liked the very small liberal arts college I attended freshman year but knew I only had 4 years for college and didn’t want that to be my whole experience. I did a study abroad first semester sophmore year and transferred starting second semester sophmore year and loved my new school. I consider myself very lucky that I was able to attend two different schools and have two very different experiences (my second school was UC Berkeley). As long as you can work things out with your parents, and finances aren’t an issue, what’s the downside to exploring a transfer? Also, you can always apply so you have options – you can decide down the road (at the time when you must commit) whether or not you want to make the change.</p>

<p>I also highly recommend exploring study abroad or exchange programs with other US universities but, if you’re going to transfer, it’s very likely a semester away won’t fit in. Definite option if you ultimately decide to stay at your current school. Best of luck to you.</p>

15

<p>Lots of good advice here. And it does not matter at all that some one else would be happy there. You can’t live someone else’s dream. </p>

16

<p>Be aware that your depression could very likely be a separate issue from your college. I’ve seen many people say “if only this or that changed, I’d feel better” only to find out it’s not really true.</p>

<p>Get the depression looked into… it’s a medical thing in many cases. (If not in yours, at least you’ll know and have someone “outside” you can bounce ideas off of.) You may still wish to transfer, of course, but at least you’ll know it’s for the right reasons. (See if you can get some apps in to keep that option open.)</p>

<p>And I’ll agree with those suggesting a semester abroad. A change of pace like that can do wonders for all, but don’t do it INSTEAD of getting the depression looked into.</p>

17

<p>I agree with everyone else – PLEASE go to your school’s counseling center and make an appointment for someone to talk to. They have seen many, many kids who are suffering from depression and anxiety; in fact they have seen many who are having a much worse time than you. They may be able to help.</p>

<p>I wouldn’t be too quick to assume that it’s the school that’s the problem, honestly. You say you’ve made friends, so the problem isn’t that you are socially isolated. You don’t like the small, closed-minded, “nothing ever happens” atmosphere. Okay, but what if you get to a large campus and find that you feel lost in the crowd, alienated, like a cog in a machine?</p>

<p>You made some bad choices last year with the drinking and hanging out with people you couldn’t really relate to. I get that; plenty of kids think that that’s how you have fun at college, partying and drinking, and then discover that that’s not really who they are. I think you have hit on an important insight in realizing that you’re actually an introvert. </p>

<p>I’m not going to agree with your parents and say you just have a bad attitude and you should suck it up, because I believe that where you are and who you’re surrounded by has a huge influence on how happy you are. But I think you should have a clear idea of what is wrong and what would fix it – fleeing to the opposite of where you are now may not be the right choice. I think the suggestion that you take a leave from your college for a year or so may be the best option. It really sounds like you don’t know what you want, except that you don’t want to be where you are.</p>

<p>Here’s a question: are you enjoying your classes at all? What’s your major? You don’t mention these things at all, and yet they’re one of the most important things about your college experience.</p>

<p>Last thing: I wouldn’t assume that a semester abroad will fix things – I tried that when I was depressed in college, and it made everything worse. Living in a foreign country is stressful, and undertaking it when you’re already depressed may not be the thing to do.</p>

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<p>Dyiu13 brings up excellent points. See how you stand if you do transfer.
Then, talk to a counselor and talk to your parents. Not a just passing conversation, but a sit down conversation where you explain exactly how uncomfortable you feel at school. I’m in the camp that life is short. Research schools and have this info available to discuss with your parents. Have a couple choices in mind. There is an excellent thread on here how small schools are not ideal for introverts or those with social anxiety.
I really can’t believe your parents will want you to be unhappy. You gave it two years, maybe a change is in order. You are an adult, talk with them adult to adult. Good luck. </p>

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<p>Be aware that it is much harder to break in socially as a transfer student. Freshman year is when many people meet and join groups that they stick with all four years. Not saying it can’t happen for you, but since you say you are an introvert, consider that students are much less open to starting new friendships junior year than they were as new freshman. I am more in the “stick it out” group. You do have some friends. You only have less than 1.5 years until you graduate, if I understand correctly. You won’t have to worry about whether credits will transfer and possibly spending more time/money just getting your degree. Many, many college students have felt as you do, and there is also a chance that you’ll just take your depression with you and be unhappy at another place, too. This is also the time of year when many students (and teachers!) get into the “Feb. slump.” Winter is going on too long, end of semester is far off. . .makes it easy to feel down and depressed. Maybe things will look better after spring break? I agree that you should look into counseling or talk to your college chaplain.</p>