Discouraging Mother

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
1

<p>I've pretty much had it with my mother. She constantly complains and yells at me about "how I'll never get into boarding school." She even said if I ever got in she would swear to cut off her finger.</p>

<p>She is constantly discouraging me and comparing me to all of her friends' Asian kids about how "in Korea, the kids there work and study so hard when I don't do anything." Like please STOP COMPARING ME. And then she says how "NO OTHER PARENT WHO ISN'T DIRTY RICH WOULD NEVER SACRIFICE FOR THEIR KIDS TO GO TO BOARDING SCHOOL" When I know infact that there ARE here on CC. </p>

<p>What do I do? She keeps complaining about how I never work or study when it is SUMMER BREAK. She always threatens that she wouldn't allow me to apply to boarding school and that she won't give me a single chance. She is just acting like a really bad discouragement! I swear I'm not just making up things because I am angry. </p>

<p>Sigh, anyway, you other boarding school parents please help me! I can't stand her!</p>

2

<p>I know you posted this on the parent’s forum to get their feedback, so I’m sorry, but…</p>

<p>I hear you, rareparadox, my parents can be like that too! I know they want the best for me, as I’m sure your parents want for you. As you can probably tell from my username, I come from an Asian family too, which I consider a frustrating but wonderful privilege. </p>

<p>Although many CC parents and other parents out there are just as or even more dedicated, its not too common to find parents willing to sacrifice so much to make sure we have the brightest future and best education possible (although I’m not saying prep school is always the answer). Most of my friends’ parents, and even other Asian parents, would never imagine sending their kids off to boarding school with such high expenses.</p>

<p>This sounds really cheesy, but really, try talking to your mother, maybe compromise? I know it’s summer, but I would highly recommend, if you haven’t already, getting one or a few SSAT prep books- especially Kaplan. Go through a few practice tests, if you wanted to retake it. </p>

<p>Research the schools you might apply to, if you’re near the area, maybe visit a few. I visited what I thought were my two top choices in the summer and did my interview then (flew a few thousand miles, but it was worth it :)). One was still my top choice, the other one, well…</p>

<p>Anyways, I know your parents want you to apply for GLADCHEMS/HADES schools, which is great, but if you’re interested maybe look into a few others. I know I should’ve widened my choices when I was applying. Then after you’ve widened your options, I would narrow them down-- pick a few. </p>

<p>Maybe pick up some volunteer work in the area if it suits you, and keep doing awesome at Girl Scouts! It’s good to accomplish something during the summer, but have fun! It’s great that you’re not a stereotypical Asian kid–I know I mostly am. (Math camp starts in a few days!) :)</p>

<p>And, by the way, although I’m sure your mom was well-meaning, with all due respect, I disagree with her on part–you absolutely have a chance! You’re extremely talented, well rounded, and an excellent applicant! Sure, you’re not a sure bet, nobody is, but you have great potential! </p>

<p>Sorry, I know I kind of started rambling, and I know I’m not a parent, so take my opinion however you’d like, but I just wanted to let you know how great and lucky you are!</p>

3

<p>Like the above poster said I’m not a parent so take what I say however you would like. If I were in your position I would try to sit down and talk with her. Explain to her that the way she is communicating with you doesn’t make you feel good. But don’t just tell her how you feel, try to get an understanding of how she’s feeling too. Sometimes how parents come across to us kids is not how they mean to. Tell her that you don’t enjoy being compared to other kids. Really just explain your case, but do it in a way that isn’t combative. Perhaps introducing her to CC and seeing the posts will give her a change of heart.</p>

4

<p>Weiqian: Thanks so much for your reply! It’s people like you on CC that keep me going!</p>

<p>Sigh, I know you are definitely right about how she means the best for me, but sometimes when she is acting a bit nasty I seem to forget many of those things. I do intend on retaking the SSATS (only if my mother allows me to again.) so I should work more on that and I will definitely buy a new practice book.</p>

<p>I just hope she doesn’t really mean that she won’t allow me to apply anymore when she says it. She lies quite a lot so I’ve learned not to believe her threats. </p>

<p>And I guess I am lucky, I am just sick of hearing her lecturing and complaining me to other people! I guess that is one of the main reasons I want to go to boarding school… To get away so I can stop getting nagged 24/7!</p>

<p>But anyway, once again thanks so much…</p>

5

<p>Confusedonhades: I SHOULD introduce her to CC but I just wouldn’t really like her to see all of my posts where I talk about her. I know she would get quite angry at me. </p>

<p>I would talk to my mother but she isn’t the type you can talk to about “how I feel”. Trust me, I’ve tried it before and she definitely does not really care about my feelings.</p>

6

<p>Maybe you could talk to your dad and he could communicate your feelings to her?</p>

7

<p>My dad is not really involved at all with this. Each day she yells at me about how I have 0% chance</p>

8

<p>Prove them wrong.</p>

<p>Are you taking a summer class? I’m guessing you are a rising eighth-grader. Are you taking geometry this summer so you can take algebra II in the fall? I don’t know much about the SSAT, but I would guess this would help you when you retake in the fall.</p>

9

<p>Actually I took Geometry this year (7th gr) and I’m taking Alg 2 next year in 8th grade</p>

10

<p>Hang in there, rareparadox. One of the most important things to learn is life is:</p>

<ul>
<li>you can not control someone else’s actions - but you can control how you react to those actions.</li>
</ul>

<p>It sounds like your mom has a certain way of trying to motivate you (through scolding) that really bothers you. You can’t change that - but you can change how you react to it. I expect that her scolding is coming from a fearful place - she truly wants the best for you (which in her mind is an excellent education) and she might deep-down be afraid you won’t be successful. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t believe in you or love you - she just might be feeling anxious and afraid, because ultimately this whole application process can be somewhat arbitrary.</p>

<p>Be respectful to your mother, and take ownership of the process. Spend some time this summer (notice I said “some” time, not “all the” time!) working on your applications or essays, or doing some test prep if you’re going to retake the SSAT. Most important - let her know that you also value a great education - but that you understand that a great education can be obtained at many different places in many different ways. Let your actions speak louder than your words: read books, get engaged in your community, continue in your favorite ECs, and try to be patient with your mom.</p>

<p>All the best to you!</p>

11

<p>+1 to mtnhiker</p>

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<p>Hi @ rareparadox,
I am a mom with a S who feels 100% the same as how you feel—not from me but from his father. And as the “middle person”, I can empathize with both sides.</p>

<p>Usually when a parent nags, it’s becos they are frustrated—when they see you are not putting in enough effort or not self-motivated to do enough as to what they think you should—that’s always the reason that ticks them off to start nagging…</p>

<p>As for the kid, it’s “stop comparing me to other kids!”, “just let me do this on my own pace”, “I will, I will!!” etc, etc.</p>

<p>For us, our D/the sister started working hard last Aug and applied to BS and she got accepted into a HADES school & will be a prep this fall—imagine the “comparing” in our house!!..poor my S :-)</p>

<p>From my experience seeing what my D did applying to BS, you really need to want it & put in the best effort and work hard for it (she got 98% for SSAT on the 1st try last Dec). And the competition for the top tier schools is brutal, but many of the “hidden gem” schools are just as good.</p>

<p>Good luck to you!!</p>

13

<p>@mountainhiker :</p>

<p>Right on spot!! If all kids can do that, we parents do not need to nag/scold/compare/be a pain in the xx…</p>

<p>But my S has declared: leave me alone, I just want to be mediocre kid!</p>

<p>Other parents—what do you think? Let him be???..</p>

14

<p>@rareparadox:</p>

<p>trust me, your mom cares a lot, in fact, cares so much that she is scared…just as what “mountainhiker” said.</p>

<p>As for the “feeling” part—try the “action speaks louder than words”—show yr mom some results—prove to her, and not dwell too much on the “feeling” thing, it does not help much at all.</p>

<p>Let us know yr progress, all the best!!</p>

15

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<p>I had to reread that sentence 3 times. Moms who use triple negatives are definitely inherently evil.</p>

16

<p>Tell your mom that you will not apply and see if that is what she really wants. Dont try to pursuade her as it is her own way of communicating. It is unlikely that she would chanhe her way. </p>

<p>Just wait and show her your result on M10. Meanwhile do your best.</p>

17

<p>@rareparadox, to offer you relevant advice, it would be helpful to understand the context of the grief your mom is dishing out:</p>

<ul>
<li><p>whose idea was it in the first place to pursue boarding school? Your’s? Your parents’?</p></li>
<li><p>what was the reason to pursue boarding school? Family tradition? Poor local school options? Prestige? Escape from social problems?</p></li>
<li><p>will you be applying for FA?</p></li>
</ul>