<p>Sympathy to all of you with jerkola ex-spuses. This sounds sooo stressful.</p>
<p>OlympicLady, Brilliant plan. Sounds as though your son is well prepared to take on the world.</p>
<p>H sent me an email claiming he would not pay for college because he has massively “overpaid” on child support. He made up a fake chart of what he has paid each year since 1998. Fortunately, I remembered the amounts and have the check registers since 1998, and he was way off base, but here’s something important for others in this boat reading this thread - do not deposit child support checks with any other check. It’s easy to aggregate checks to make one trip to the bank. Keep the child support check separate, keep the statements and all check registers. It can make a huge difference if false claims arise when the ex-spouse says “I don’t have to pay for college because I overpaid already.”</p>
<p>oh man, susan-- can I smack him for you??</p>
<p>OlympicLady, This is one of the most cut and dry ways to deal with it, without putting the student in the middle every step of the way, wondering if their expenses are going to be paid that semester. I have been there, as the student, and it made it impossible to study and acclimate to college. The student loses. However this is handled, whatever is worked out, it needs to be done in the calmest way possible. A lot to ask when your ex is acting like the missing link- you bet - but your child is about to go through one of the most stressful changes in their lives. They do not need the added pressure of knowing there are lawyers and refusals to pay.</p>
<p>Glad it worked for you, OlympicLady. I have a friend whose ex has been playing games with her & her kids forever. D’s college choices were severely restricted because they couldn’t count on cooperation from ex for FAid docs, any support or anything. He refused to pay toward their S’s private school tuition, tho court forced him to pay D’s private school tuition (S had been in public school in lower grade at time of divorce). Somehow I believe he finally paid some of her college expenses, very grudingly. I believe my friend will have to fight him to pay for S’s college expenses & complete FAid forms as well.</p>
<p>It really sounds like so much drama and stress for everyone involved. So glad the OlympicLady’s solution worked for her & the student involved. Wish parents would really put their progeny 1st, no matter what later obligations they choose to take on. Just because they chose to make increasingly expensive choices doesn’t give them a right to just shirk off their earlier obligations. Sheesh!</p>
<p>The good news (if there is any) about that email, susan, is that he isnt claiming an inabilit to pay (as pere the divorce decree) jsut a lack of desire to pay. So you have perfectly reasonable grounds to haul his butt back to court and get them to enf orce the terms of the divorce.</p>
<p>^^^^</p>
<p>I agree. I love email communications for these things…</p>
<p>you give someone enough rope, and they’ll hang themselves in writing.</p>
<p>I also don’t think the courts will like his attempt to lie and deceive.</p>
<p>I have asked this on previous threads on this same subject- did these men exhibit signs of being selfish scumbags before you married them?</p>
<p>Can she get instate tuition in Fla? Fla has some of the cheapest schools in the country and it would meet D’s need to go OOS.</p>
<p>Glad you could decipher all my typos from 6:30 in the morning, mom2collegekids! Bottom, line, the OP has in writing that her ex is just being a jerk and is trying to weazel out of an obligation. He never denied he has the ability to pay for his child’s college expenses, just the desire to be a responsible dad.</p>
<p>I have asked this on previous threads on this same subject- did these men exhibit signs of being selfish scumbags before you married them?</p>
<p>LOL…</p>
<p>I think sometimes men (and women) exhibit signs but for other person to discern how those signs will play out in a family arena it takes wisdom that a never-married person often lacks.</p>
<p>I have a friend whose husband made it quite clear that as long as she stayed home with the kids (which she wanted), he didn’t need to be around much because kids do fine with just one parent doting on them all the time. She seemed fine with that (at the time). So, off he’d go hunting, fishing, whatever…instead of spending any family time. When they would go on a family vacation, he’d always insist that his brother’s family go too. Then the brothers would take off to do “men things,” while the moms were left with the kids.</p>
<p>Fast forward…now that the kids are teens/pre-teens she realizes what a mistake that was. The dad has never bonded with the kids. He literally does not know them. The dad always puts his needs first. If they were to divorce, he’d probably never see the kids hardly at all.</p>
<p>Unless he was paying more than the court ordered him to pay in child support (very highly unlikely), he wasn’t paying more than his fair share.</p>
<p>tom-my ex wasn’t a selfish scumbag before we married, although looking back, he certainly exhibited poor money management skills. He and new W can’t manage on $80,000/yr now in a very low cost part of country, event though they have no house or car payments. His portion of S’s college is ~$3,000/yr, which he whines and moans about, and has to get a loan for every year.</p>
<p>OP suggests keeping funds separate for child support. My attorney actually encouraged me to have our county actually take care withholding from the NCP’s paycheck for child support (although this may be a state law, not sure if this can be done everywhere). Then there is a record through the county of what was paid. I pay something like $5 a year for this service, and it is worth it for sure!</p>
<p>OP, it sounds like even though the NCP is telling some whoppers to your kid, you don’t seem to have any concerns that she is buying it. Good for her. My kids get similar stuff from their NCP, but they know which parent has their back – financially, emotionally, and just being there physically every single day for them. Even if you don’t get any money from the NCP, the respect and love you earn from them makes it all worth it.</p>
<p>My ex was a jerk for many years. Now that he is divorced from wife number 2, and she really put him through the wringer (and continues to yank his chain whenever possible), he has become much more reasonable toward me and more attentive to S.</p>
<p>Of course, S is now 18 and he missed out on much. But I’m glad in a way that the ex wasn’t very involved with S growing up - S was spared much of the crazy he could have been exposed to.</p>
<p>And yes, all the warning signs were there beforehand. I was young and stupid.</p>
<p>And yes, all the warning signs were there beforehand. I was young and stupid.</p>
<p>Stupid is too harsh. Young people have a very hard time knowing how certain “traits” exhibited while dating will play out very negatively in a family atmosphere.</p>
<p>Were the warning signs there before marriage? Yes, probably, however, if one did not seek a divorce chances are the very same man would just be a run of the mill sub-par husband, and probably a good father. The process of a divorce; the system from lawyers, judges and court appointed child psychologists create a monumental crisis for the whole family.Divorce and especially the never ending custody/support issues is their BUSINESS. Once the first or second go around has concluded in court, everyone is in a rage and feels taken advantage of. Woman should take care in states like California; there is something like an 80% rate of fathers getting custody if he seeks it (mainly because he usually has a higher income and can keep the kids in the same house/school district). A little thumb on the scales by the judges. Woman are caught off guard when the proceedings start going in that direction. Fast forward a few years and a new woman is on the scene and $$$ is scarce, (and it almost always is, the lawyers have it all) maybe the new wife makes more then the husband, and does not feel she should have to contribute to the first family. Some where in here one child moves into the teen years, and we all know that process of breaking away from the parnets. Except, the NCP thinks the CP is turning the teen against him. The teen wants to stay home with friends,do EC’s and sleep until noon.Maybe the teen doesn’t feel they fit in the new family the NCP has established. The teen may not be getting along with anyone, but the NCP feels it is directed by the CP.</p>
<p>College looms…the NCP thinks the teen is doing more than just being a teen, is in a rage towards the CP (often with the help of the new spouse) and a real mess has developed. Also, the NCP is out of touch on how much it costs to raise a child through teen, and thinks the CP is living off the $500.00 a month that is sent. (level established maybe 10 years earlier, to expensive to go to court to adjust) So, the end result is all of a sudden it is clear the 18 year old is all grown up, and not entitled to support. The cost of college doesn’t help either. NCP never really considers the permanent damage to the parent/child relationship in the long run, and has the short view of being in control by not paying for college.</p>
<p>This is how perfectly nice families implode. This is why the FAFSA only requires one parent of divorce, and if re-married the new spouse to file their information. Really no other way, because this is the norm not the exception in divorce.</p>
<p>So all married folks, don’t be angry about the FAFSA rules being “unfair”, these kids can’t go to Profile schools most of the time, and are limited to FAFSA only schools at best. Most of the time they have to take on huge debt. Nobody is taking advantage of the system, the system just doesn’t work because most states don’t require college support. And if they did, they would need to require married couples to pay for the college of child’s choice too. Not going to happen.</p>
<p>OP, by now you must knowyou can’t depend on the courts, so please start thinking of plan B. For the sake of your sanity and your D.</p>
<p>Good luck…</p>
<p>OK, maybe I wasn’t stupid, but I had no business getting married or having children before I worked through some issues myself.</p>
<p>The ex has psychological issues; since I grew up in that kind of environment, it seemed normal to me. I did not know what a healthy relationship looked like.</p>
<p>And the ex would have made a sub par father as well as a sub par husband. Growing up with a parent that has untreated issues warps your values and perspective.</p>
<p>And the whole divorce process did not help anything. The lawyers fanned his anger issues and he threw all kinds of money that he didn’t have into hounding me and trying to destroy me. I ended up having to move a distance away because of his nastiness and control issues.</p>
<p>At least I know I don’t need to haggle with him over college. He has been unemployed for over a year, and his last divorce pretty much wiped out his assets. So I don’t expect anything from him.</p>
<p>I don’t mean to hijack this - good luck to the OP. I know what it’s like to have an unreasonable, spiteful ex.</p>
<p>Of course, it isn’t <em>always</em> the ex-husband who takes financial advantage when it comes to supporting the child. I know of one ex-wife who receives almost $10,000 per year in child support, and will continue to do so in accordance with the divorce agreement until the child is 24 or finishes his formal education, whichever comes first. All on top of $27,000 per year in alimony, which has been paid for the last five years since the divorce and will continue with only a minor reduction until her ex is 65 (another ten years). But she spends hardly a penny of the child support on her son, because her view is that child support is really support to her for being a parent – kind of like combat pay! So her ex ends up paying almost all of their son’s expenses for clothing, books, food, etc., anyway, on top of the child support; she refuses to give her son a penny for his expenses while he’s away at college. </p>
<p>At least, so I’ve been told. </p>
<p>But the former husband in this case has paid every penny required without hesitation, and I’m sure will continue to do so, even though from what I know there’s as much or more going out every month than comes in, after taxes and alimony and child support and their own rent and other necessary expenses. I don’t believe the person in question has bought any new clothing in more than a year, not even for work. </p>
<p>So not everyone tries to shirk their agreed financial obligations; not everyone puts themselves before their children.</p>
<p>Of course, in this case, there’s no new marriage or family, which I understand can make a huge difference.</p>
<p>And I completely sympathize with the OP; as I said before, I simply can’t comprehend people who can afford to help their children financially but refuse to do so. Whatever their gender.</p>
<p>Donna L - very true. I have a colleague that has a son from a brief relationship. He has paid hefty child support all along and is now paying for college for his son. The mother did not work much over the years, using the child support to fund her lifestyle. And she saved nothing for her son’s college.</p>
<p>So yes, it goes both ways-</p>