<p>@golfmomva, before you do send your child off to BS, I think you should sit down and talk to him and confirm that he actually wants to go. Seeing as he did all these things behind your back, it appears to me that the child has a heavy influence on his father. Maybe he doesn’t want to go and doesn’t want to upset his old man. </p>
<p>Run Mom, Run…Run away from this big stinky pile of financial mess that will suck up every cent of your son’s college fund. You know in your gut that your husband will “spin” a great story, but you also know his track record. It will hurt much worse for your son to be locked out of BS halfway through because tuition is not paid. Then, if son comes to you begging for $$ and you say “no, this $$ is for your college” you will be seen as the bad guy. I bet your ex KNOWS you won’t be able to refuse your son mid-stream, so he only has to make a few initial payments and then sit back and let you do the rest.</p>
<p>I would make an appointment with the BS immediately and discuss your situation. Let them know that your husband is the one who will be responsible for all tuition payments, and that you will not be a part of any financial commitment to them.</p>
<p>Also, you want to check with BS and find out if your ex forged any signatures or gave them any of your financial information without your consent.</p>
<p>If ex knows ahead of time that you will NOT pay one cent, and that you have already told BS, then he will have to suck it up and make a way to pay, including asking his family for tuition money. If you offer to pay ANY of the BS tuition, then it is a slippery slope to you paying full tuition.</p>
<p>I’m sorry for your predicament, and hope you find a way to maintain a good relationship with your son no matter the outcome of this situation.</p>
<p>Another thing for the OP to keep in mind is that tuition (50K or whatever the amount is) isn’t all- inclusive. It doesn’t cover a wide range of things. FP families usually budget anywhere from 5k-10k for additional expenses. One year can easily exceed 60k. There’s a thread on the Parents Forum that addresses additional and sometimes hidden costs. I highly recommend all parents (including the OP) to take a look so they can plan. </p>
<p>That said- Wow. My heart really goes out to you, @golfmomva. </p>
<p>^^ Also- there are tuition increases (usually every year), too. </p>
<p>The thread was hard to find so I’ll post it here: <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-parents/1291390-unexpected-add-l-bs-costs-besides-tuition-room-board.html”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-parents/1291390-unexpected-add-l-bs-costs-besides-tuition-room-board.html</a></p>
<p>Update: DS was accepted to the school as a FP, and is enrolled for 3rd form in the fall (even though he is completing his freshman year in PS now). In the end, after considering all aspects of the situation, I agreed for him to attend. The factor having the most weight in my decision was this: He is convinced that he wants to go. Period. Even though our PS is a very good one and we live in a community in which there are many great opportunities for him to pursue his passions and hone his academic strengths, his father and his father’s family have the more powerful persuasion - i.e., public school is in their opinion, just not enough. He wants to please them and gain their approval, so he will go. This is a good school and a good opportunity - don’t get me wrong - but, I feel his desire to attend is born in large part of his desire to measure up to their standards. So, he will go. I support him if he is genuinely happy with this and wholeheartedly driven to go for at least some of the right reasons. A great golf program, a great English program - these are where he’ll excel there and I am excited for him if it all works out ok. I signed a contract that is non-financially binding and his father assures me the tuition will be paid (his parents will front the tuition and he will reimburse them… uhm… yeah). Not sure if this is the plan for the entire 4 years, as DS applied and was accepted as a FP. I wonder if FA will be an option in subsequent years? We’ll see. Meanwhile, I hope the other school writes off the debt instead of suing. <sigh> What’s a mom to do? He’s a bright kid, an amazing golfer, a great sense of humor - I"m sure he’ll be fine. He’s the light of my life and I will miss him terribly, as will his step dad, the dog, the neighborhood and his many friends. BS, here we come… thanks all for the support everyone to a newbie Mom. I feel embarrassed about all the detail I’ve shared but, the truth is the truth. Thanks again, all. </sigh></p>
<p>I’m not sure anyone here has stated the obvious so far - you need not to be seeking advice on this from internet posters, but to consult your lawyer. Your ex-husband has probably violated one or more terms of the divorce settlemnet/order and has exposed you to financial risk to boot. Seek legal help on this now.</p>
<p>I’ve known a lot of kids who go off to boarding school and then come back because it didn’t work out. Sometimes it is because the bills did not get paid. That’s a side of his dad your son may have to see first hand. </p>
<p>YOU, however, have some unfinished business that you need to get done, which is get your back support up to date. That’ is where you need to focus. You may lose any child support order in place when your son goes to BS Better get you attorney and start focusing on your business. Don’t get into a tug of war with your kid in the middle. Solomon had it right.</p>
<p>Hi, golfmomva.</p>
<p>I’m just a teenager, but my situation is almost exactly the same as yours - except reversed.</p>
<p>My mother, like your ex, drives a nice car, lives in a great neighborhood (on par or above D.C. metro area, which I know is really expensive (i.e. Mclean)), and is what you might call “socially active”. She has this appearance of a great mother who is financially stable (or even more than that). </p>
<p>Au contraire. Our home life is a mess, and despite my parents best intentions, they fight far too much. My brother and my child support and alimony goes towards clothes and vacations for her - and she doesn’t exactly win any parent of the month awards.</p>
<p>I applied to a lot of good boarding schools because I came from a really great private day school, to a really large, and frankly subpar, public high school. It baffles me how it’s literally 5 miles away from my house, which is in a multi-million dollar neighborhood, but somehow struggles to buy paper for classrooms. I thought boarding schools would be a really great challenge.</p>
<p>My dad tries his hardest to get the best education for me, and so he, like your ex-husband, started the boarding school process without my mother - but not because he wanted to cut my mom out, like your ex did, but because my mother made it very clear that she wanted nothing to do with, and I quote, “a preppy future Wall Street [insert expletive here]”</p>
<p>My father, because of the divorce, is completely saddled with debt, and can barely manage to maintain our current status of living. We applied for FA but made it clear to the schools that it wasn’t essential - instead, we explained our situation and what exactly was happening.</p>
<p>Let me tell you this - the AOs have seen it all. They can read a family dynamic from the second you walk into the waiting room. They understand that the viewbook kids with the smiles and the laughter aren’t how kids and families normally are - and so I doubt they’ll be accepting a family which they think is going to be unable to pay the bills.</p>
<p>And to be frank - if it doesn’t work out down the road, your son needs that eyeopener. It sounds like your husband is a real mess, and I send my prayers to you and your family. </p>
<p>P.S.: We went through a similar mess with our private day school, although it involved a transfer and them making us pay the full tuition for the year. If you want to talk, feel free to PM.</p>
<p>@nwbddad, @cptofthehouse I consulted my lawyer over this a cpl months ago. Ex cannot use payment of tuition at BS in attempt to reduce or halt support payments. This language is clear in our PSA. He is still in serious arrears but I went through the state to get the payments taken directly from his salary. He will not pay them on his own. Don’t tell anyone down at the club, however. 
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<p>@gwichkid, I feel for you. It does seem like there are parallels in our situations. I hope you get into one of the schools you applied to. You seem wise for your years. Thanks for your thoughts. I know it must be hard to be the “kid” in the middle. Hopefully one day your Mom will realize what’s really important. Meanwhile, keep that good head of yours squarely on your shoulders and you are gonna be just fine. 
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<p>Golfmomva, good luck! </p>
<p>The best response going forward would perhaps be to thank your former in-laws for their support of your son. They are likely paying the bills directly to the school. Given your description of the past, I think it’s likely they don’t expect him to reimburse them. They sign the contracts with the school. </p>
<p>I think it is wise not to make your son a battleground. And I do wonder about your in-laws. I could well see the grandparents worrying about their grandson. He has a feckless father, and a pragmatic mother. You and your son will be fine. His grandparents might worry about being able to keep in contact with him, due to their son’s behavior.</p>
<p>All the best.</p>
<p>Definitely, @Periwinkle. The ex in-laws do worry. They are generous people, but they make little effort to hide that they believe my son is being short-changed in PS. Unfortunately, much of their opinion is deeply rooted in politics and a desire to shelter my son from the “riffraff.” Ironic because one of them in particular could have been considered such in early days before deciding to make changes and eventually elevating her “status.” Still, I have respect for them. They worked for what they have; started with nothing and nothing was handed to them. They’ve done extremely well. Both educated for the most part in public schools, and one dropped out of high school - a public high school, I might add. The other has an advanced degree. So, while I have respect and appreciate their support of my son, I question their harsh criticisms of PS along with seemingly any and every thing that exists outside the gates of their posh community. For all the good they offer with financial backing for my son’s education, the damage done around the dinner table with uncensored bashing of public, certain political parties and generally, the unwashed masses… undoes it. But I can’t win this battle. I can only provide my own example and pray DS eventually finds the truth. I am more worried about his becoming like them than I am about his being in the classroom – and learning to accept, appreciate and get along with – all walks. This is one reason I insisted on PS school for him (and because it is a very good PS!). I guess if I’d been doing a lot of bashing of my own around the dinner table, maybe I’d have been able to balance it all out. I’m not trying to cast myself as the martyr. But, I lost. End of that story and on to the next: Boarding school. </p>
<p>I’ll just chime in with one more piece of unsolicited advice, @golfmomva. Everything you write on the board, if discovered by your husband in a future proceeding over payments, etc., can be used against you by him. So be careful about writing anything down. I seriously doubt your attorney knows you are on CC writing about this, and if he or she did, I bet I know what he or she would say.</p>
<p>Good advice @Nwbddad. It’s just been nice to get feedback. I guess I got carried away. </p>
<p>I’m wishing the best of luck to you and your family. Hoping for the best! :)</p>
<p>Hope all goes well @golfmomva. I admire your calm and reasonable approach to what is likely a difficult situation. I can tell you have the best interests of your son at heart!</p>