<p>starbright is right. If the Op lives in a country OTHER than the U.S., the Op might carefully consider the idea of not pushing from the nest.
Most here believe the job of a parent is to raise a healthy, happy, independent, self-supporting good citizen of our society. Some fortunate young people have the opportunity through a combination of their own money plus parent money plus scholarships and gov’t money to go to college to get a chosen career and to fulfill the above expectations. If that is the way you feel, then try to persuade student to apply herself to be the best she can be. </p>
<p>I like the idea of one yr at The Ohio State U. If she does well, but wants out, then let her transfer. If she does really bad and wants out, let her go to any school SHE can pay for. She could have a secret agenda to do poorly if she feels that gets her home and there are no serious further consequences. And be sure to tell her the deal before she goes- don’t add or change conditions after-the-fact</p>
<p>I actually think I’ve become pretty independent, mature, and that I have a different perspective of the world because of living at home than other people seem to do. While others I know have been living it up at college dorms I got a job and attended a community college. I’ve had to learn some serious time management skills and have had to learn a lot of responsibility with commuting to school and working.</p>
<p>I worked out of state for awhile after 1.5 years in school. I was ready for a life on my own. I was one of the more responsible people that I lived with. I adjusted perfectly to having to buy my own groceries, figure out our laundry systems, do everyone’s dishes, and deal with having a full-time job. I did get super homesick in the end, but otherwise I don’t think you could tell that I was someone who had never lived away from home for more than a night or two. </p>
<p>For some of the other people I knew, you could say the same, lol!</p>
<p>Anyway, the point is, you shouldn’t have to feel forced to move out of the house at 18 and live in a dorm as a rite of passage into the real world. You can learn just as much responsibility with getting a job and taking classes while living at home. If she’s not ready to move out now then maybe she will be in a semester, or maybe a year.</p>
<p>When it comes to college parents should never “make” their kids do anything. Their kids are actually adults now, and they can start making their own decisions.</p>
<p>Well, this is a radical idea, but I’d look at the repayment tuition schedule. Friend’s D started at an away school and hated it; she was back in three weeks with an almost full tuition and room and board refund.</p>
<p>They had not withdrawn the application at local state school and were able to finagle a slightly late start.</p>
<p>Not what they’d planned, but it did work out.</p>
<p>I agree; kids should not be forced. I really wanted s to do junior year abroad or at least a semester, but he didn’t want to and didn’t. It’s a shame because it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.</p>
<p>I think I would also ask the OP’s D to look at how she’d feel if she and BF broke up as soon as she gave up this opportunity.</p>
<p>My child wanted to go to his dream school and got into it–and then, in May, started to freak out and didn’t want to go there any more. I listened to him for a week, and then I sat him down and told him to snap out of it, that he was going for one year and then he could decide what to do. He grumbled, but as a very proper young man, he did listen to me. Now it is one year later and he has grown enormously as a person. He was a passionate student, became much more social, started to exercise, lost 30 lbs. and he looks great, completely changed his major for something he’d never even imagined before, got a great part-time job at school, started to value independence and taking care of himself in a whole new way, and got a great paid internship for the summer. He said he would have been an entirely different person if he had not gone. </p>
<p>So, basically, I suppose it depends on other factors as well, but I do know that kids really do freak out over going to college–it’s very natural, since it actually does mean that they’re leaving their childhoods behind for something unknown. But if you feel in your heart that it would benefit your child, that this is something your child would benefit from because you know her deeply, then I would feel free to be quite insistent that she at least try it.</p>
<p>As far as Starbright’s point goes, I would have to say that this is one of the things Americans actually do right. God knows we could improve some things, but to me, 18 is old enough to get moving on life.</p>
<p>Well Americans value independence more highly. In other societies if generational interdependence is more valued the students are moving on life, just in a different way.</p>
<p>Both my kids went away to school, but I have to say that from an anthropological point of view it does seem strange that we support and fund something that makes us miserable. I missed them terribly!!! LOL.</p>
<p>OP, though my daughter (rising hs senior) has had a few experiences away from home (1-week music camps out of state, high school chorus trip out of state), she usually doesn’t fully enjoy these because of the element of not liking to be away from home.</p>
<p>She is proud that she’s learned to be self_sufficient, but she and I are very close and are home-bodies…we’re just not the happy-camper-group-types. We tend to enjoy more solitude than most people (though we’re not reclusive), and we love our home.</p>
<p>If her college needs could be met near home, I think she’d choose to live at home, and that would be fine with me. I think the notion that all kids are ready to be kicked out of the nest at exactly the same age is ridiculous.</p>
<p>What we’ve done (as we look ahead to a little more than a year from now) is draw a reasonable distance-radius for schools (4-hr drive max, in our case).</p>
<p>She also knows that we will ease her into this new life transition, taking it in baby steps if that helps her. If she wants to come home for weekends, that is fine with me. (Since she’s so involved with music, I’m sure scheduling challenges will soon make that not so feasible).</p>
<p>If she wants me to drive there and meet her for dinner once or twice a week at first, I’m happy to do that. The point is, we’ve always had great luck with moving into changes slowly, gradually, and with a safety net. Mine is not a kid you’d ever toss into the deep end of the pool and have success. But give her some time, a sense of control, and a safety net, and she does fine.</p>
<p>And there, Oct47, is the inconsistency of your opinion, referring to the last paragraph of post 22. You say kids are adults(at 18) and can make their own decision. Really? Adults? Do they expect Mommy and Daddy to financially support any portion of their next step in life, choice of college? Is that adult? I’m 50 and I don’t expect my Mommy to pay my rent. But there is more involved than money.
I agree adults can make their own choices(assuming they are self-supporting) but how can a child that you call an adult be permitted to make a choice for another adult? In other words, how can you say the paying members of the household should not “make” the 18 yr old adult student leave the home, yet you think it’s ok for the same 18 yr old adult student “make” the parents keep him in their home? You think it unfair for the parent to impose their will on the 18 yr old, yet it’s ok for the 18 yr old to impose his will on the parent?
That is the inconsistency. A person wants to be an adult and make his own choices? As a parent I can’t force choices for you because you are an adult? Hmmm, Ok. But the young adult cannot force choices on me. A person cannot be called an adult if they continue to choose the life of a child. Adulthood is permanent- and is not applied or disregarded as is convenient. What many young people that like to call themselves adults don’t see is that they “should never “make” their [parents] do anything. Their [parents] are actually adults now, and they can start making their own decisions.” to amend your statement.
It is a 2 way street- and “kids” that consider themselves “adults” have no right to impose their will on parents. To say “you can’t make me leave” is also saying “you must let me stay”. Where do they get right to force homeowners who lives in their home?</p>
<p>As I understand the Op this isn’t a case of parent throwing out 18 yr old on their 18th birthday, with no plans, no job, and no hope. It is a child that has hoped, planned and set plans in motion along with parents help to attend The Ohio State U., but as the day to move approaches, the student is having normal second thoughts.</p>
<p>Last time I checked, moving to a university (and possibly an out of state one) and living in a dorm costs WAY more than living at home. I made a very adult decision by not putting my myself in tens of thousands of dollars in debt based on a theory that I have to move out to a dorm room or I haven’t officially become an adult. I got my own job and live just as responsibly as anyone I know does. Plus I have lived on my own before, and I know that I’m perfectly capable of it.</p>
<p>I’m sorry that some people’s way of life doesn’t work for you. In my world, it’s perfectly okay to live at home while going to college because some of us don’t have $40,000 dollars a year to pay for dorms and tuition. Some of us can’t even look at $15 or $20 thousand a year and go “Ha, that’s nothing!” I could have easily have done that and just let my debt build up until I’m out of college and working an entry level job that hardly pays rent and food. How “adult” of a decision is that? How was my childish decision to ask my parents to let me live at home any worse than my friends who pay $16,000 or more a semester or year to take general education credits out of state? Instead I stayed in-state with a scholarship and held a job that let ME- never ever my parents! (I don’t even like letting them pay for my food when we go out to eat, let alone books or tuition!)- pay for the remainder of my college costs.</p>
<p>I didn’t even have to ask my parents, actually. My parents support me, and if I can’t afford to move out to a dorm or apartment when I’m 18 years old and fresh out of high school they’re not going to sigh and go “why can’t you just be an adult???” I’m sorry that other parents aren’t as supportive.</p>
<p>My original point wasn’t really even about a child “making” their parents let them stay home during school. My point is that when it comes to college parents should never say “You’re going to go to this school” or “your going to have this major!”. Sadly I’ve heard some scary stories about this issue on this forum. A college decision is a personal one that should be made by the student. It’s their life and it’s their future.</p>
<p>I agree with some other posters that I wouldn’t force my children to go away to school … however we are going to force them out of the house. After HS can they can choice to live at home paying rent for one year and then they are getting the boot … we have been joking with the kids since they were little about getting the boot … it is a well understood expectation in our house that they are heading out to make their way soon after HS. (PS - If we had a child who really needed to stay at home because of pretty serious emotional needs we’d relook at this … but our three typical kids are all getting the boot … even if they go to school 1 mile away (which is possible to do))</p>
<p>Wow, younghoss, you sure came down hard on October, who sounds to me like a mature, responsible, considerate, and diligent young woman. Most parents would be delighted to have an early 20-something child managing her life so beautifully, and enjoying family life so much that she still wants to be a part of theirs. </p>
<p>There’s a lot of heat in your post. Perhaps this has triggered something for you that is really unrelated to October’s admirable journey?</p>
<p>momofsongbird, I just wanted to say that I appreciate your kind words! I love my family so much, and I’m very grateful to have them and to have their support! :)</p>
<p>I’m sorry you have missed my point, Oct47. It may be that you are viewing my post with emotion, and misunderstood my meaning, or more likely, I didn’t write clearly enough to get my meaning across.
I have no objection to your living with your parents. I think it may well have been a smart money decision for you and your parents based on the numbers you provided. If it’s ok with you, and with them it is certainly ok with me. Please don’t equate a smart money dicision with adulthood. Looking at the converse, adults sometimes make bad money decisions- that doesn’t make them a child. But it’s good to make good money decisions at any age!
My issue with your post 22 was that you presented the idea that parents should never “make” their[18 yr old] kids do anything referring to college because now they are adults. Even your post 29 says: “A college decision is a personal one that should be made by the student. It’s their life and it’s their future.” For most families I suspect it isn’t true. If any parent helps support a student’s choice of college by providing a home, or paying part of tuition, or paying any part of other costs, then that parent is choosing to affect their life and their future. $1000 spent on tuition is a thousand that didn’t go into parents’ retirement fund, little sister Suzie’s braces, or gambling in Vegas. Most parents that can make such a choice, do, and that’s fine. I did. Students may not see how their choice affects their family. It is not only the student’s decision, student’s life, and student’s future unless they are footing 100% of the bill.
Sometimes a young person doesn’t realize how their choice affects others. It is great if parents are able to help a college student; it is great if they are willing.
To say the parent cannot “make” a student go because the student is an adult implies the (new)adult student has the right to choose anything he wants but the adult parent must abide by student’s decision. It is great if they want to, but please try to see what I see as the distinction between parent choosing to help and student requiring the parent to help.</p>
<p>I think the key word here is “make”. You cannot make a grown-up do anything they don’t want to do – why would you even try? This decision needs to be made by the student. She may not be ready to move away yet – whatever the reasons. Many highly successful adults have stayed at home while going to college. I think that you have to respect that individual’s decision and judgement. Not everyone needs to leave the nest at 18. Some are ready, and some are not.</p>
<p>I didn’t mean to sound harsh on Oct47, at least certainly not her personally. 47 explained after my post what a position she is in with her parents. I think her position is wonderful. It sounds like 47 made a good, sound, smart, economical choice to stay with parents, and the parents are apparently all for it. I am all for it too, if that’s what both parties want. Yes, I think it is wonderful 47 still wants to live in home, and that the parents want that too! I agree 47 sounds delightful! But that isn’t what I addressed. </p>
<p>“Make” is a key word, and as I said in a previous post, the phrase “you can’t(shouldn’t) make me leave” is only seeing 1/2 of what that statement means. It is only seeing that the parents’ will cannot be forced onto the 18 yr old. It also means “I can make you keep me” - and that would be trying to make a grown up do something they may not want to do, If the parents wanted the student out. </p>
<p>I disagree with her point of view with her statement "When it comes to college parents should never “make” their kids do anything. Their kids are actually adults now, and they can start making their own decisions. " It is my opinion that such a point of view- particularly her second sentence- indicates the parents must go along with whatever the 18 yr old adult decides on. And that is what I disagree with.</p>
<p>My point of view does not address if it is good to live at parents’ home at 18, 20 or 50, or that it is not good to do so. To think I said one is good or bad to 47 is a serious misunderstanding of what I wrote. My point of view is that if an adult of 18(as 47 says) should not be made to do something by parent; then let’s not overlook that an adult of 18 has no right to make parent do something. It isn’t all the decision of one unless the one pays entire tab(financial or otherwise) for that decision. Similarly, though at 50 I am an adult and can make my decisions in my life, I don’t have the right to go on a grand vacation and send the bill to my next door neighbor. Not unless he approves.</p>
<p>So if my different opinion about the <em>I’m an adult so I can make my decisions</em> has offended 47, then I am truly sorry and my apologies to 47.
If anyone feels I was too harsh on her for her living situation, then I ask those people to re-read my posts. I didn’t address her personal choices/situation.</p>
<p>I think that younghoss has made an excellent abstract point: These choices are not made in a vacuum. If the student is not fully independent and self-supporting, then the student’s “after high school” plans are a family decision because they will affect the whole family. I didn’t read anything personal into his treatment of October47 – just a springboard from her abstract statement to his. Does anyone really disagree with the notion that the parents and the “adult” child are autonomous but interdependent?</p>
<p>October47 indicated that she asked her parents about staying home (incidentally, October47, I did the same thing at your age and enjoyed similar benefits, although the commute was a real pain). Sounds to me as if she recognized that it was a family decision. Her parents could have said No, but they chose to support her choice and everyone was happy. No problems here.</p>
<p>younghoss I do understand what you are trying to say regarding the phrase “I’m an adult and you can’t make me…” that is so often thrown around by 18-20somethings. </p>
<p>Having said that, I am of the opinion that parents can’t “make” a young adult DO anything. What parents can do is set their own parameters around how/when/ under what circumstances they will provide support mechanisms, and then follow through. We have done this with both of our children, to varying degrees at different ages. In our household we do very much to support our kids but not at our expense or in contradiction to what we believe will help their development as young adults. </p>
<p>As to the original posted question: it sounds as though your daughter has limited experience with being away from home. Perhaps this particular step is too big for her at this time. On the other hand, the boyfriend situation becomes an easy “out” for not stretching herself and maintains her current comfort level, which doesn’t support her in increasing her competency in being more independent. As other posters have written,perhaps there is a third way, with a third party to help her sort this out.</p>
<p>I’m so glad you understand, patc, and clearly geek-mom does too. My opinion wasn’t on 47’s personal situation at all. Just as many feel a parent has no right to force their will on a 20 yr old, the 20 yr old has no right to force their will on the parent. The second part is too often overlooked, particularly by the 20 yr olds.</p>
<p>Bachbach, what’s happening at your house now? I’ve been thinking about you and your daughter since first reading this thread.</p>
<p>There’s a lot of good advice here, though no one but you knows your daughter. I think it’s a spectrum. Yes, many first-year students are intimidated, but with some support and encouragement, they make the transition to living away from home just fine. At the other end of the spectrum are kids who are just not ready to go, despite all.</p>
<p>Last August, a young man we know headed off to an Ohio state school, reluctantly. He had told his parents he didn’t want to go, after all. There was a lot of family pressure to “just go and see.” He lasted about 48 hours. He couldn’t sleep, and you can’t function if you can’t sleep. After returning home, he enrolled in a small LAC and has being doing quite well. </p>
<p>I would show your daughter love and confidence. If she heads off to OSU I would talk first about what strategies she can use if she’s homesick or lonely. There are lots of strategies! If she chooses to stay home, I would try hard to hide any disappointment you feel.</p>