<p>I think I’m in the minority here but I’ll stick my neck out and say I think parents have a right to voice their opinions respectfully while they listen to their students as well. They can not MAKE their student agree to go anywhere, but they don’t have to agree to pay for something they feel is a detrimental choice. Be very honest with yourself however why you think it’s a poor choice.</p>
<p>This wasn’t a school choice issue but our oldest came to us at winter break and said he wasn’t going back to school, was getting a full time job, was moving out (he was living at home going to cc), and moving in with friends. We were shocked. He’s 18 and we couldn’t make him stay. We sat down with him, very informal, and talked about why he was considering the changes. He was unhappy with his job, and didn’t like his major. We could easily fix the major. The job could change to an unpaid internship in his area of interest IF he was living at home, or he could ask about changing departments. We talked about the living situation. Roommates smoke, he has asthma. They party and drink underage, he has strong views against this and would face it several times a week. The parties are pretty rough, he’d be responsible for any damage to apartment. Roommates work history is iffy, he’d be liable for any shortfall on rent. He’d have no more or less freedom there… he has no cerfew. We looked at the financial responsibility (adding in utilities he had neglected to consider) and talked about the salary he’d need to cover that. It was his decision. It was a pretty clear one.</p>
<p>Even though our kids are getting to the age of maturity they still need guidance. An 18yo doesn’t think about the extra expense of gas if they live further from school. They don’t think about what might make a roommate a poor choice. Maybe they do have very sound reasons for making the decision they have and we just don’t see it. Sitting down and talking things through in a respectful way allows parents and student a chance to be heard.</p>
<p>I’m still trying to understand this from the student perspective – why is the parent obligated to find what he considers to be a horrible choice? I’m just trying to understand the mindset here.</p>
<p>"If you truly think this is the wrong school for your child, then just say you refuse to pay for it. "</p>
<p>My husband is about to do exactly this.</p>
<p>Our son was only accepted to his 2 safety schools - one of which he is head and shoulders above the average student in terms of GPA and SAT scores…no one in his range even applied to this school, most students who applied from his HS have much lower stats.</p>
<p>The other school he was accepted at he is smack in the middle…and it’s a much more competitive (higher rated) school. It’s a bigger state university vs. a small private.</p>
<p>My husband is having a very hard time with paying for a school (even with good merit scholarship) that he feels is too easy/not competitive enough for our son. The State U. is not our state, so it will be more expensive but that’s not an issue, we think it’s worth it.</p>
<p>Anyone else have this problem?</p>
<p>We are letting him make the decision, but he’s having a tough time with it. He has until Wednesday night and we’re hoping he doesn’t choose the school we won’t be happy with.</p>
<p>My D is a performance and I think it would be impossible to do it with a commute. Every minute of her life is scheduled as is. There is no major that keeps kids as busy as a performance major. I don’t know which conservatories provide no housing alternative, but I can’t see how that works.</p>
<p>We chose to tell S in advance, what money we could donate as a gift to him, for his college. That gift was the same, whether he chose a school @ $1000 yr or a school @ $50000 yr. We would not give $ for school A, but $$$ for school B because we liked it better.
He had complete freedom of choice. Any school our gift did not pay for, he had to find funding for the balance due.
Our belief was two-fold. First the obvious that we control what gift we give, not our S; and secondly that if he had to pay for some portion of his education then likely he would value it more than if it all came free.</p>
<p>I am having trouble wrestling with the “we are only going to pay x no matter where you get in”. I am more comfortable paying xx at a Top school or at a super reach top 20. Not sure son will apply to any of those, but is that wrong? I think it’s a value thing.</p>
<p>Out D was accepted at several schools and unfortunately the better schools did not offer her enough money to go without taking out really big loans. One private school - which went to last on her list after 2 visits - did offer a lot of money making the cost comparable to the local state school. </p>
<p>She was accepted to the same program at both schools but the private school’s program is so much better than the state school however the private school is farther away, terrible climate, no life on campus both visits, in the middle of nowhere and most importantly it just did not feel right to her. She wants to go to the state school (her safety school in every way), huge campus, huge classes but closer to home with people she knows. </p>
<p>My H is insisting she go to the smaller private school - give it a month - and that if she does not like it he will help her to transfer to the state school for the spring. He absolutely refuses to allow her start at the state school - (He went to school there and I think he thinks that it is too easy to get sucked into the party culture). She is smart but very laid back - just getting her to apply and look at schools was a struggle (she would not do a gap year) and he thinks that she will get lost at the state school - not being an advocate for herself.</p>
<p>Now she is not speaking to him and I am stuck in the middle. I agree with H - he is right -but regardless, I feel she needs to make the choice and just let it go. And since she is on a school trip, I have to be the one to send in the acceptance/deposit. Either way - someone is going to be mad at me!</p>
<p>I agree that we should NEVER choose for our adult kids–it really needs to be their choices. We can lay out the financial issues and state our concerns/observations/reservations once and then really support them in making a choice they are fully capable of making and living with.</p>
<p>I would never choose for my kids because it is their lives and they will have to deal with the consequences of their choices. There really isn’t only one PERFECT school and no matter which school our darlings attend, there will be challenges and bumps along the way. When it is THEIR choice, it is up to them to work things out. If it was OUR choice, the blame game and “what ifs” never go away. Those are just things we didn’t feel were worth dealing with and we want to empower our kids to make decisions they they will stand behind and put all their efforts into.</p>
<p>Maybe its the type of relationship we each develop with our kids. We have expected our kids to make decisions about their education from grade school & beyond (of course with our guidance & support).</p>
<p>Motherjones, you are in a very uncomfortable, untenable situation. There should have been a discussion before your D left on her trip. Not sure what options you have for communcation at this point but wish you the best with this challenge.</p>
<p>motherjones - could you share with us the name of the private school. Maybe someone here could offer an opinion that would make you feel better about the decision. I do not envy you today and I feel horrible that you are stuck in the middle of this.</p>
<p>Yes, this is a terrible position to be in and I feel for you and your dtr. Right or wrong this should be your dtr’s decision. How come the opportunity to go to her choice and succeed for the 1st semester isn’t an equally viable option? What are the odds that a one month trial at a school that is “farther away, terrible climate, no life on campus both visits, in the middle of nowhere and most importantly it just did not feel right to her” and that was forced on her to boot will result in a successful outcome? Have faith in your dtr and her choices for her life, set clear expectations for her success at the state school, let her take ownership of her education, she is the one who has to do the work and reap the rewards or consequences of her choices. If it is your husband’s choice he will surely reap the blame and animosity of you DD if she fails at this false start.</p>
<p>I never imagined that helping our kids make this choice would be so stressful. Son has narrowed decision to two schools. One an OOS state and the other one a private school. Both have offered incredible scholarships, so the finances for both are not in play. We are in the “bottom of the 9th” here and still struggling with decision. He is leaning towards private one, while I am still making case for the other, which has recently added even more aid to their package. I know that he will do great at either school, but it still is very nerve racking.</p>
<p>Well Indinct, I cannot say your method would be wrong for you, but I can say it would have been wrong for us.
Wife and I believed we wanted to provide all financial support we could no matter where he attended. We believed that was the right thing to do.
We would not have felt comfortable giving S one-half our our available financial support(for example) had we not been thrilled with his choice. We also avoided the appearance of “withdrawing support” because he had a $ number he could count on before he sent out apps.
Our preference was to fully support our S choice as much as we were able.</p>
<p>Younghoss,
Yes, I see what you are saying but I was looking at it a little differently. I know what we can afford which is X out of our monthly budget. This would more than cover a state flagship and some privates where he might get merit. What I was saying was that I might be willing to take a parent loan for what I considered to be really top school or a great value. We are selling our house and moving to a cheaper neighborhood so that we can afford to pay out of pocket for #5 and was hoping to avoid loans as we are still paying a parent loan for #2. So I’m not sure if this would be considered as much as we are able or more than we are able or less. I think we’ve made many financial sacrifices, well I wouldn’t call them sacrifices per say (as I think they are our obligations) to put all our kids through school. We do have a decent number(I think) that we have offered, but this is without parent loans and of course predicated by us both having jobs(not always a certainty).
But I know if he got in to a really good school and since he has worked hard we might feel we wanted to go “above and beyond” and take out parent loans. I don’t know.</p>
<p>I can’t imagine making my kid’s college choice for them. The narrowing down should, IMO, be done before the applications are sent, and the schools on the list should all be acceptible (assuming finances are manageable). Your kid will pick their friends, their partner/spouse, their job, and should pick their school. Listen to what umcp is saying. Support your child and their decision. While we parents think we know our kids better than they know themselves, as the song says, it ain’t necessarily so.</p>
<p>jym, Agree with you on the pre-screening (and that’s what we’ve done), but how can you keep a 17 yo from falling in love? Lots of folks applied widely and to better-funded schools hoping for that magic FA package, too. At a certain level, it’s hard to remain unattached. Heaven knows I’m attached to both of S2’s final choices. ;)</p>
<p>Oh my, cd-- still down to the final 2?? Time is drawing near…</p>
<p>I agree-- they will fall in love-- as we all have. If they ask our opiions, we should definitely give it. And there are ways to suggest things they might not have thought about, but if we give our kids the message that we don’t trust their judgement, that could linger…</p>
<p>Worse case scenario, kid decides they don’t like their school and chooses to transfer. They gain the experience of decision-making and problem-solving. </p>
<p>The good new is, most kids thrive and love the school they attend. The decision-making is the tough part. In the OP’s case, sounds like the student has not wavered from what has been their first choice. As tough as it is, I’d support the kid, even if I didn’t agree with the choice.</p>
<p>*** Edit*** Just caught the OP’s explanation of the notable differences pros/cons of the LAC vs conservatory. The plusses and minuses sound different, so its hard to compare, and the student has flip-flopped (I thought he/she had been consistent in their choice). So as they (parent/child) discuss the advantages/disadvantages of each choice, its fine to say “have you considered…<<fill in=”" issue=“” of=“” concern=“” here=“”>> Tht said, it doesn’t sound like one is a great choice and the other a terrible choice. Doubt they would have gotten this far if that were true. Understandable that we have this angst with our kids and their choices, and want the best for them, with the least worry on our part. There sound like challenges withthe transportation/housing issues with the conservatory, but then again, I just finished reading a thread of a student who is transferring froma bug state U to a school which will involve her living at home and commuting over an hr on the train each way. Its a challenge, but doable. They have more nerve than we do. Were we ever that carefree when we were young??? I am very risk-avoidant. But I think, many moons ago , as a young adult, I was more adventurous and let much more roll off my back. Hard to remember soooo long ago… so hard to put ourselves in their shoes. Age = wisdom, yes, but youth = spirit sometimes.</fill></p>
<p>I agree with most of the posts that say you should let the student make the final choice. As parents, I believe we need to make sure they have all of the necessary information to make the choice. This is the age when they are going to have to start making choices and we won’t be there all the time to do it for them. It is tough to let go for many of us. The important thing is that we support them even it their choice doesn’t turn out well. Easier said than done. Ultimately, one of 2 things will happen:
They will enjoy their school and it will work out well for them. or
They will regret their choice and may want to transfer. In this case, it is important NOT to say “I told you so…” . They will already realize you were right and you will start to seem much smarter and wiser to them. As they go through life, they may actually ask our advice and listen.</p>
<p>I’m a mom and a professor and I recommend stepping back and letting your child make this decision. Battling with your child is going to pose problems down the road if your child goes to the school you have chosen (and doesn’t do well - perhaps to prove a point subconsciously) OR if your child goes to the school that you think is not a good fit and doesn’t do well (the child will lose face confessing this to you and may stonewall their problems to the point of probation or dismissal). I would tell your child that you have thought about this and are prepared to fully support their decision. Tell them that you will help in any way you can, including assistance down the road if they decide at during their first or second year that they want to transfer. Inform them that getting into a school as a transfer is often easier and that you will be there for them if that is what they decide to do. Make sure that your child hears everything you say about the transfer option - and then drop it. Don’t mention it again. What you need to focus on is building a relationship with your child so that if trouble starts during that first year, your child will feel able to talk with you about it. The first semester is NOT a time to raise the transfer question, unless they crash and burn that quickly. Lots of kids take until spring break of the first year or even later to really decide if they fit or don’t fit with their school. That is why the transfer option often is taken for the Junior year. If/when your child asks for help, then and only then can you raise the transfer idea again (but keep the “I told you so” to yourself). Good luck!</p>