<p>To all the parents out there who have been here before, your guidance would be appreciated.</p>
<p>How do you handle the situation whereby your child, who has been accepted to several colleges, makes the decision to select the college that you believe (and believed from the start although wanted to remain open-minded about the process) is not the right "match" for them? When, after weighing all possible factors including visits, discussions with students, observing classes (and students), and gathering all possible information, you believe your child's choice is not going to work for them? Do you just "suck it up" and get behind the decision? Refuse to back it? Tell them to consider other options albeit not for the fall? I'd appreciate all insights here. Thanks.</p>
<p>You haven’t said why you don’t think it will work, or the financial differences and if they are an issue. So, absent that, consider what would happen if you’re wrong and they are unhappy where you think they should go. I’ve seen many parents force their children into schools. Results have been mixed. Some have done well, others have dropped out, others transferred. There is nothing wrong with transferring after a semester or a year. Letting your student make their own mistakes and learning from them is, I believe, what develops character.</p>
<p>As parents we have to know when to step back. Even if the school is the wrong choice (I’m sure it is because you know them best), they can always make another choice by tranfering. If you persist in trying to make the choice for them, your biggest problem will not be that your child has went to the wrong school, it will be in losing your relationship with your child. In this instance maybe showing support may let the childs defenses down enough for him/her to reconsider before the deadline.</p>
<p>This is a tough one and I don’t envy you. If it were me I would say to my child “I know the decision is yours and I will support whatever you decide, but I need to share with you these FACTS (not emotions) that lead me to believe school X is not the right school for you” Then I would let the chips fall where they may. If you go beyond this and your child opts for a different school, their potential (or even perceived) unhappiness will always be your fault.</p>
<p>Been there, done that…totally agree; we played Devil’s Advocate and let our daughter make the final decision…no way it was going to come back to us with “you didn’t let me decide/make my own decision/etc”</p>
<p>I really like Kajon’s approach; it’s actually exactly the way we approached it…</p>
<p>If there are merit scholarships that would be lost if your child goes to “his pick” and then realizes it was a mistake and wants to transfer, then you may have to speak up and take action now.</p>
<p>My son first wanted to go to a school that would have been totally wrong for him (he only wanted to go because it was in a city that he liked), but if he had gone there, and then realized his mistake, he would have completely lost the merit opportunities at the other schools - one which I knew would be better for him. As parents, we knew we’d be totally annoyed to have to pay full-freight later at a school where he had initially been offered great merit scholarships.</p>
<p>I insisted that we visit the other schools again, sit in on some classes, meet with the dept head, the honors dean, etc. At that point, he realized the best school for him. He’s now a junior and very happy. </p>
<p>So, what are the reasons that your son likes “his pick” and why do you think it’s not right for him?</p>
<p>What are the qualities of the schools that you think would be better for him? Why does he not like those schools?</p>
<p>mom2collegekids asks some good questions that I was curious about to. </p>
<p>My personal viewpoint is that my sons get to make their own decision, and when it’s all said and done it’s my job to support/get behind their decision. He will be going to the classes and when the time comes he will be going to that job and he will be living with that significant other. If you force ‘your way’ on them and it goes badly … how is that going to work out? How is that going to affect your adult relationship with your son? Could you be wrong? </p>
<p>We got lucky with our older son. He was completely set on a school. I was completely frank about my concerns about the college and he was quite upset at me. However, he knew it was his decision. Then we got lucky and we made our own luck much like mom2collegkids did. My son sent an e-mail to a department head at the college he wanted to go to and he dropped the ball. I then asked if he would consider a second visit to another school to attend classes in his area of interest. Then, on his own, he sent an e-mail query to a professor at this school. He got a quick and amazing reply from the professor. After the visit, he told me of his change of heart on the trip back. Whew! Best of all, it still became his decision and one he has been very, very happy with. </p>
<p>Sometimes it also helps not to just discuss things but put important factors up on a board. Everyone takes info in differently and this can be very helpful to those that are very visual. </p>
<p>I would respectfully list the specific areas that I believe to be problematic, telling my child “I know you’re very busy and may not have had time yet to consider X, so I’m bringing it to your attention so you can decide whether or how much of a problem this is” and then live with the child’s decision. For example, there was one school that was extremely generous with AP/IB credits, so I called that to her attention and left it there.</p>
<p>I was in this situation a few years ago, but I never considered trying to refuse to back the decision my kid made. It is a really big choice, the biggest they have ever had–their first truly adult decision and if you take that away from them… I think it is a mistake. These things are fixable, and if they make the wrong choice, they’ll figure it out. Mine did, and is so pleased with the way he handled it, and so am I. There’s nothing wrong with saying, we can’t afford X, if you can’t, but financially if all things are equal you have to let go. All I said to my kid, and I would have said it whatever choice he reached, was, you can always change your mind if it doesn’t work out for you. He ended up at what is really an ideal spot for him, after a year of tremendous growth at the first school. And it was all him–I’m pretty proud of him. And if I’d pushed him my way, I think it would have been awful–my choice, my responsibility. As it is, his choice, his responsibility, his remedy…win win win.<br>
Good luck. It’s hard to watch, but it can be really beautiful.</p>
<p>Our family was in this situation regarding high school.</p>
<p>Our daughter was accepted into a selective IB magnet program, and my husband vehemently objected to her going there on the grounds that 1) it was elitist, 2) it required too much academic work, 3) our neighborhood high school, which her brother was attending, was plenty good enough, and 4) he felt that her qualifications for the program were marginal at best. He laid out his objections for her but chose not to exert parental authority and forbid her from doing it. She chose to enroll in the special program. Her qualifications turned out not to be marginal, and she did well. She was pleased with the choice and still is (three years after high school graduation).</p>
<p>I don’t know whether this illustrates that students sometimes know better than parents about what’s right for them or whether it illustrates that there are lots of acceptable choices that work out OK.</p>
<p>OP - I think you have already rcvd very good advice from above posters. All I want to add is a thought - your thread title is “Child’s Choice” and I think that might be part of your problem. I understand that a 17 or 18-year-old is still your “child” and you can always refer to them that way - but maybe part of the issue is that you need to view him as a young adult.</p>
<p>How you handle this discussion will have impact on your future relationship - as far as treating him like an adult and respecting his opinions/decisions. Hopefully this college issue can be handled by all parties in a mature fashion, which will set the tone for the next big issue and so forth. If you veto his choice, you are not just vetoing a college, you are vetoing his decision making abilities and questioning his ability to think for himself. I would tread carefully here.</p>
<p>Marian, we find the that same HS selection process (and what transpired, and what we now think of that decision in retrospect) has influenced thinking at our house about the final college decision.</p>
<p>We had all our discussions regarding fit prior to applications so by the time the kids applied we were comfortable with all there choices ** as long as the finances worked**.
With both kids there was a school or two they applied where they understood there was a parent right of refusal related to finances. After that it was entirely up to the kids. It was important to us that the kids only apply to schools they were willing to attend in case we had to trigger the parent financial refusal card.</p>
<p>I was accepted to 5 schools. All of them were financially doable.</p>
<p>I was in love with a school that offered me a significant merit scholarship.</p>
<p>My parents didn’t even let me visit. </p>
<p>They pushed 2 schools I wasn’t even interested in. Ruled out the other 3 without so much as a campus tour.</p>
<p>I’m 3 years into my college career and still think about this EVERY day. I have NOT found their choice to be a great fit. Have not enjoyed my time here. Am hugely resentful. </p>
<p>I know, I know - a kid should be grateful his/her folks are paying at all, grateful for everything they’ve done to them. </p>
<p>But culturally, this “choice” is what they’ve worked their whole lives for. They were forced into a certain preschool, elementary school, middle school, high school. They were forced to take certain classes. Forced to live in a certain room and obey all kinds of rules. This is their first real choice in terms of where their life is going next. Don’t take it away from them. IF it ends up being the wrong choice - they get bad grades their first semester or year, they decide to transfer, etc. - so what? Give them a chance. Their tangible failure is reason for you to pull them out. But to keep them away from it on the basis of a “what if” is a hugely damaging sentiment. It does indeed cut deep into a kid’s confidence in being able to make his/her dreams a reality.</p>
<p>Sorry, but I believe the time to express your reservations was BEFORE the applications were sent. There are two things to consider…first…your child is going to college, not you. Second…if YOU make the choice and it doesn’t work out…it will always be YOUR fault that the wrong school was chosen.</p>
<p>I say…let the student pick the school. If you REALLY didn’t want him to go there, you should have made that VERY clear prior to the application process.</p>
<p>“Second…if YOU make the choice and it doesn’t work out…it will always be YOUR fault that the wrong school was chosen.”</p>
<p>Yup. No matter how much I try to tell myself it’s MY fault I didn’t bloom where I was planted, it was MY fault it didn’t work out…logic does not always prevail. I still blame them 100% and I can’t shake it. </p>
<p>I wish my parent’s had read this thread >< </p>
<p>(Oh and I also wish I had been more flexible…or something…yeah, you see? You try to rationalize but…the subconscious is powerful)</p>
<p>Agreed. Express your reservations and reasons for them ONCE and then let it go (if all the choices are financially viable. If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it and that’s life.)</p>
<p>You kid may succeed or he may fail, no matter where he goes . . . At least if he fails it will be his own failure to learn from.</p>
<p>S2’s good friend went to a small LAC to play football because his parents (Dad’s a coach) really wanted him to. The kid really wanted to go to big state u. and be a reg. student.
He hated the small school. Didn’t do great academically so was ineligible for transfer. He dropped out. He shoould be finishing his soph. year but instead is working in a warehouse fulltime and tells S2 that he’s finished with college, not interested in returning. Both parents are educators and totally dismayed at how this has turned out.</p>
<p>What a tough situation. I want to echo what Thumper said. The time for parents to exercise veto power and take schools out of the running is during the process of building a college list. Once the acceptances come in, parents have only a voice, not a veto. So I agree with those who advise you to help your son weigh the pros and cons of his acceptances, but in the end leave the choice up to him. Unless the financial aid is inadequate, it’s unfair to allow a kid to apply to a college, then say no, you can’t go there. Better to make the decision beforehand that a particular college is off the table. And yes, if you force his hand and he is unhappy at the school you have chosen, you’ll be the recipient of a lifelong Guilt-o-gram.</p>