<p>“We live in south Texas, my son is not looking for even more personal growth in the area of dealing with this topic. He wants to blend in and his parents want to sleep at night.”</p>
<p>I hear you and find your concerns appropriate! It seems to me college should be a time our kids don’t have to deal with this topic. Real life comes soon enough. Call me another pessimistic mama, but even if you find the ultimate “gay-friendly” college it is still going to be really hard to sleep at night. He will go off campus, even if only to get back and forth to the train or airport. We wanted our kid at a very gay friendly LAC, but he chose an urban university with the best program in his area of interest. I didn’t sleep for about three semesters. Most people would consider his undergrad university extremely gay-friendly but it absolutely wasn’t the same as an LAC. Admitted student visits are very useful in sorting these issues out for students. I had already noticed where you live and am guessing a geographic change can only be positive. Good luck with the process.</p>
<p>Well, if the question is one of offering gender-neutral housing, the University of Chicago should be on your list, even if you have taken it off for anecdotal reasons. I think if you looked harder, you would find (a) Chicago is a great place for lots of gay students, even if you have found two who had a hard time, and (b) if the issue is greatest with a prospective major that apparently attracts homophobes, the problem isn’t going to be limited to one college.</p>
<p>"This b.s. about how “pessimistic” I’m being and what a shame it is to be depriving my son of so many fabulous schools is so irritating that I cannot put it into words. We live in south Texas, my son is not looking for even more personal growth in the area of dealing with this topic. "</p>
<p>But I think that’s part of the whole point. You live in South Texas; I would not be surprised if the general culture in many parts down there has homophobic underpinnings, or being gay is somewhat “suspicious,” for lack of a better word. It’s just a culture that’s completely foreign to my solid-blue-state background. </p>
<p>I live in the Chicago area. Really, being gay is just not that big of a deal around here. That is not to discount the personal difficulty of a gay person coming out to family, but in general, even in the business world, gay partners are acknowledged / included in social gatherings, no one blinks an eye, and anyone who would give a gay person trouble for being gay is seen as, well, a hick and not worth giving the time of day to. </p>
<p>So in that kind of culture, a college doesn’t NEED to specifically serve up LGBT housing for it to be a “safe space” for gay students. </p>
<p>You’re thinking of it through your cultural lens of South Texas – LGBT need safe spaces explicitly set aside for them. Which is understandable through that lens, but also understand that interesteddad is talking about an entirely different lens – LGBT is just part of the flow, so LGBT-specific housing doesn’t need to be set aside for a space to be gay-friendly. Any more than say, housing for Asians who date whites. Does that make sense?</p>
<p>It is a personal pet peeve of mine that people from more red-state parts of the country tend to assume that their culture reflects the national culture! Uh - nope!</p>
<p>I’m not from Texas. Not by a long shot. I’ve lived here for two years. Most of my family is in New England. </p>
<p>It is a pet peeve of mine when people from blue states assume that if they stay out of the red states, then they are safe. Or if I would just get my kid out of this red state, he’d be safe. Safer? Yes. </p>
<p>I really do appreciate everyone’s input. It’s my kid, I’m defensive.</p>
<p>He’d be safer. Yes! That’s the point! Which is why interesteddad is (rightly, IMO) trying to suggest that overall gay-friendliness of the surrounding culture may be more important to look for than specifically-themed LGBT housing. It may even be that in some cases, specifically-themed LGBT is the necessary “safe harbor” for gays in an overtly unfriendly atmosphere.</p>
<p>This may be a bad analogy and I’m sure I’m going to regret it, but let’s say I’m looking for Jewish acceptance / friendliness on a campus. These examples are purely hypothetical, ok? Let’s say I look at Penn, which is one-quarter Jewish, and they don’t have a specific Jewish dorm; their Jewish population is scattered all over in terms of where they live, interests, clubs, etc. Now I look at Ole Miss, which is hardly Jewish at all, but boy, they have graciously set aside one dorm for the Jewish students where they can isolate themselves from the rest of campus and feel safe that no one is going to tease / harm them. Would I conclude that Ole Miss is more Jewish-friendly than Penn because they have Jewish-specific housing?</p>
<p>If I am interpreting interesteddad correctly (and i-dad, please correct me if I am wrong), he is saying that a Swarthmore (for example) doesn’t NEED to “have the entire university learn about the LGBT community” because it’s just taken for granted that, ok, some people are gay, others are heterosexual, and it doesn’t need any pointing out any more than pointing out that some people have blue eyes and others have brown eyes. </p>
<p>That Swarthmore’s commitment to LGBT is so far beyond the “hey, look, LGBT’s are people too and we don’t bite, so come get to know us, we’re not monsters” approach.</p>
<p>For reference, here’s a list of colleges that offer gender neutral housing. University of Chicago, Northeastern, Lake Forest and SUNY Geneseo have also recently announced that they will be introducing it, too.</p>
<p>Students from homophobic backgrounds do end up at gay friendly schools. It seems to me more likely they find themselves at universities than liberal arts colleges. On much earlier threads, there have been posts from students and parents of potential Columbia students concerned with the possibility of a gay roommate. And yes, one unpleasant person can really negatively impact your entering freshman, even if those types of behavior are outside the norm for the school and unfathomable to most of the parents on this thread. That is why I like the LACs. Have you considered Vassar? I didnt notice it on your list.</p>
<p>If not umass and someone needs a gay-friendly, not so hyper-competitive state school on the college list, what would it be? As a financial and academic safety?</p>
<p>You don’t need to limit yourselves to private LAC’s to find gay friendly campus environments. My straight Italian-American Republican son actually transferred out of a top tier private college partly because of his disgust in the “homogeneous population”. He now attends a public instate university and finds the less homogeneous population to be a welcome addition to his experience both inside and outside of the classroom. As a poly sci major, he finds the classroom discussions at the public college to be much more stimulating and productive because of the differences that each student brings to the class. He has gay friends, straight friends, multi-ethnic friends, African American friends, Hispanic friends, Conservative friends, Liberal friends, etc. What he learned from his one year at a private top tier LAC is to stay away if the school is known for its “homogeneous population”.</p>
<p>Pizzagirl, your analogy shows the situation faced by anyone who is a minority on campus. It’s a decision the student has to make. The same analogy holds for African American students. There are schools that have club dorms for those who request; there are schools that scatter students everywhere. There are HBCs. The same for females. I, for one, would want a single sex bathroom at minimum, and would like the dorms not totally randomly mixed. In other words, have the female rooms in a group and the male rooms elsewhere, if they are in the same building or floor. I would really prefer an all female dorm. That would enter into my college search if I were of that age. I know a number of girls who feel the same way, though this is not a big deal thing for the current generation, admittedly. </p>
<p>My son’s friend who is gay likes the coed dorms. He boarded at highschool and the sexes were kept very strictly apart in the dorms. He was much less comfortable in an all male scenario. The coed bathrooms and halls make him feel much more at home. </p>
<p>One of my sons had a gay roommate at college one year, and it was not a problem for him, and the young men are friends to this day, though they did not live together in subsequent years. My son did get some flak from those he knew who were homophobic or just plain jerks, but not enough to be any issue. In fact, he probably was put out more and got more flak when he roomed with someone who had a hot and heavy heterosexual relationship and did not concern himself with much discretion. </p>
<p>I would recommend coed dorms and bathrooms for those who are looking for sometning more gay friendly.</p>
<p>madpugkate - I have a gay son so please know that I understand & identify with you perfectly. He is now a college senior and has been out for 4+ years. I didn’t know when he was applying to schools & it was too late to apply to LGBQT friendly schools by the time he told me. I was scared to death for his safety. Thankfully he has done very well & has tons of friends. This is not to say that he hasn’t had some minor problems. As I previously posted at the beginning of this thread that one of his friends did have a room mate that couldn’t deal with it. I know every day that we are very lucky. I hope that you & your son find a school (looks like you already found one) that make both of you feel more peaceful about his college experience.</p>
<p>Other posters - you can’t even begin to understand the pain that most of us parents have been through regarding our gay children. To have these beautiful bright wonderful people hated just because they are gay is just unimaginable. You think you can understand & I though I was empathetic to people finding out that they had a gay child but until it happens to you then it is hard to understand. My son was scared to death to tell us (not because we were homophobes, etc) it was the fact that many of his friends had been kicked out or told by their parents that they could not be “out” when they were around them, etc. My son’s first boyfriend told his parents (while they were dating) that he was gay & his mother tried to commit suicide. I am not kidding. This woman was devestated. After a week, she never discussed him being gay again & he just pretends he is not. Needless to say my son will never date anyone who doesn’t have parents that already now. </p>
<p>For the record, LGBQT people are neat, messy, ugly, gorgeous, fat, thin, smart, stupid, etc. Sounds just like everyone of us, right;)</p>
<p>I concur, alh, that one unpleasant person can really negatively impact an entering freshman, even if the rest of the school thinks the behavior is unfathomable. Having said that, why would you suppose that they find themselves at universities vs liberal arts colleges? Not challenging you, just curious as to your rationale.</p>
<p>And yes, you’re right, not every student gets to go to Penn or Swarthmore. OTOH, the very fact that the schools with the smartest students tend to, on average, be the schools where gay-friendliness is just more the accepted norm, says a whole heck of a lot about those who are gay-friendly versus those who aren’t!</p>
<p>I have made it a point of telling my two teenagers that if they ever come to the realization that they are gay, they absolutely know for sure that they can come tell dh / me, and while we won’t lie and say that it won’t take some mental getting-adjusted-to on our parts, that we would fully support them.</p>
<p>Pizzagirl - good for you! I wish that all parents could accept their children for who they are & celebrate that. We would have much happier/healthier children. I will tell you that it gives you much more compassion for what other people are going through. It is one BIG eye opener, but I wouldn’t change him for a New York minute. My son is a wonderful caring person.</p>
<p>Pizzagirl: it is hard for me to imagine any family so uninformed as not to realize sending their child to Swarthmore, Wesleyan, Haverford, etc may put them in the position of having a gay roommate AND that the school is going to be making every effort to support gay students not the concerned straight roommate. When you talk about Chicago, Penn, Columbia, Yale, etc some families really don’t get that the administration (and the vast majority of the student body) has the same attitude as at the LACs. Just my humble opinion and maybe completely off base.</p>
What I would add to this is that the unpleasantness can take many forms, many of which have no connection to sexuality at all. This is why I tend to think that looking at the overall school environment and “fit” is the most important thing.</p>
<p>I think it’s wonderful that there are parents out there who are/will be accepting of their children, gay or straight. Unfortunately my parents (my mother, especially) aren’t so, and I know that if I were to come out to them I would find myself on the street (not a good idea considering I live in a country where homosexuality is illegal).</p>
<p>My oldest sister was kicked out when my parents found out she had a girlfriend. She dropped out of college and moved to the US to live with relatives. Since then (~15 years ago that happened), she’s been suffering from depression and has had a number of suicide attempts. She lives the straight life now, I think, to appease my mother. She got married a few months ago, I just wonder what she’s feeling inside. :(</p>
<p>I just want to go to college to work and to be happy. The thought of being stuck with a homophobic roommate is scaring the ***** out of me, to the point where I’m having nightmares about it. I don’t think people realise how serious the need is for LGBT students to be paired off with LGBT-friendly roommates, and the chances are higher for that to happen in (a) a gay-friendly school, (b) a school which pairs LGBT students together, (c) a school with co-ed rooms.</p>
<p>I don’t want to be on guard all the time in my sleep, in case I get attacked with a baseball bat. In such a case, I’d end up in hospital, my parents would find out, and I’ll be forced to live my sister’s life: depressed and suicidal. I don’t want that.</p>
</p>