I personally don’t think a 2.7 is that horrific for 1st semester. It’s a huge adjustment. Of course, mine doesn’t have merit on the line. I would send him back, letting him know losing the merit is a deal breaker (if it is - that’s your call). My son sounds similar to yours but, for the most part, he has risen to the challenge in college. He did a summer class last year to re-do a D+ first semester, pulled a B and has been fine sophomore year. Sometimes it just takes a little time to grow up.
I agree with sending him back for one more semester due to the scholarship-if he loses it, he returns home. I would also set limits on what you are paying for from this point on-spending money, travel, phone. I’m only willing to pay for such extras if my kid is working and making good academic progress.
He has one more semester with a job. Nicely have a conversation with him - perhaps over ice cream or some other treat - that he’s an adult now and is making his own choices regarding his future. Then let him do that.
Sometimes the more parents try to “parent” the more kids rebel. It’s a pretty natural thing to be honest.
Today I’m at school all day supervising kids who need to catch up in the next 6 days or they won’t get credits for the year in whatever class(es) they are behind in. It’s super boring for me - hence being on CC so much - but I’ve noticed I have a different style than the aid who is in here with me. She’s trying to look over their shoulder - direct their step by step - using punitive language while trying to sort of be inspirational (I guess). Half of the kids were having a blast trying to do anything else but their classwork more or less taunting her. I had to go up to each student quietly and just state the facts. Six days. What you do now matters to you and no-one else. Your choice. I also had to tell them to ignore her… Every single one thought for a few seconds, then got to work. Will they finish? I have no idea. I doubt I’ll be in tomorrow to see (it’s not my normal job - today is a testing day).
Sometimes we need to quietly/nicely say our piece then step back and let them truly fly or fall on their own knowing their choices matter to them. Trying to “help” really “hurts” instead due to their human traits. Let him decide what he does next - try one more semester knowing the consequences or get a job/apartment, etc now and begin Plan B.
Best wishes to you both!
I’m on the send him back for one more semester and face natural consequences side. Check into how much you would lose in housing if you pull him at Christmas. If you can afford that I would tell him you will be making a payment plan to pay back whatever you lose if you have to bring him home.
After that they can grow up. I was at a fraternity mom’s weekend in March and a mother came up to me and said she wanted to thank me because my son had helped get her son on track and he was now getting grades that could keep his scholarship and he was motivated and staying out of trouble. (I was like - are you sure my kid did that?). He has grown by being first in charge of grades for his fraternity and now as president. He has helped others to grow too. Lots of kids grow a lot those first few semesters.
Just noting, @Creekland, that you have the luxury of not caring what happens to those kids as you note it is not your normal job. It is possible it is the aide’s normal job and sadly, too many parents and administrators do hold aides and teachers responsible for kids’ performance, though they should not.
I love @Creekland 's advice. It’s hard, but treat him like an adult. Discuss the consequences from the school. No need to pile on. It’s not about what you will do. Offer advice if you think it’ll be helpful but let him know it’s up to him.
If you are worried (oh, talk to me about worrying!), tell him so and why. My kid is far more tolerant of my concerns when I voice them as my worry problem that comes out of love. I’m not going to say that he necessarily does what would please me all the time, but he listens respectfully and often makes some accommodations.
@roycroftmom Except I know the person I’m replacing - their regular teacher. I sometimes do boring jobs for friends. We share the same behavioralist beliefs and she warned me about this aide. She’d like to replace her if she could. She hurts far more than she helps. The aide isn’t in any way held responsible for their success/failure. My friend is. She requested I be in for her and I’m home (vs with mom), so here I am.
So it appears that your son is having fun at college.
He fits in, has learned & excelled at a new sport, has a campus job waiting for him, and really loves life. The only problem is that he has a large scholarship that will be lost if he doesn’t raise his GPA from a 2.7 to at least a 3.0. Which leads to OP’s question: “Should we pull S18 from college?”
No, not unless you want to emotionally scar a very happy, well adjusted kid who is enjoying his freedom. Unfortunately for him, he has an anchor around his neck called a scholarship. And an “option” that he doesn’t want, but his parents do.
Truthfully, besides being envious of your son, I think that this may be his way of communicating that he doesn’t want to go to Cornell & to leave his new found Heaven.
Since the parents can afford to pay full COA–based on the statement that full pay at Cornell is affordable–I think that remaining at his current LAC is the wise choice. Don’t punish happiness. Don’t see a half full glass. He is happy, well adjusted, growing, all while attending a great school on a significant merit scholarship. If he loses the scholarship, then suggest that he work during the summers to earn some money for college.
To me, this is a case of a parent with too much time on his or her hands. This is not the time for overparenting. Don’t punish happiness. He is moving in the right direction, just not on OP’s preconceived path.
I was this very kid in college, in many ways. I was at an LAC. I ran cross country. I joined social organizations. I had an on campus job. I thought I was smart enough to cruise through my classes while rarely saying no to whatever fun invitations came my way. I had horrible grades after the first semester. Many parents would have yanked me right then but my parents trusted me to turn it around and gave me time. I had a lot of maturing to do. Eventually I realized I wanted to go to graduate school and I needed to concentrate on my grades. I also learned what I was good at, and what I was not. I am forever thankful my parents had patience with me.
I would sit your son down and not give him ultimatums, but make sure he knows the reality of his situation. If he loses his scholarship, you cannot promise you can afford or are willing to pay to keep him at his current school. In which case he has to come home and attend his local state school. Don’t threaten, just make sure he understands it is his path, and that the path he has currently chosen may not lead to where he wants to go. But he has to want to do it himself.
Make him pay his own spending money & books next year (no more money for haircuts, etc). If he’s not taking his federal loans, have him take them. You could tell him you’ll pay them off for every semester where he gets above a specific GPA (maybe 3.2?), he keeps the loan and pays later for the senester’s loan if he is at or below that. I wouldn’t keep him home. I’d get his skin in the game.
Lol! @cptofthehouse
At my son’s school a 2.7 is a B-, which is really not that bad for a kid who’s away from home for the first time and doesn’t have good executive function skills to begin with. Lots of kids flounder their first year but eventually pull it together — there’s such a huge difference in maturity between an 18 or 19 yr old straight out of HS and a 22 yr old senior.
Be glad that he’s happy and engaged and has lots of friends and plays a sport — it’s not like he’s smoking weed and playing video games all day. Punishing him because of a B- average seems really harsh and more likely to ruin your relationship than snap him into shape. I’d just explain that the consequences of losing his scholarship are that he has to work FT in the summers and/or take loans to cover the difference, and both of those can create hardship down the line (like having to turn down an unpaid internship because he needs a paying job, eating beans & rice and taking the bus for a few years after graduation in order to afford loan payments, etc.).
I’d the echo the others whose advice is to lower your expectations a bit and celebrate what is going right in his situation. The sport is a good thing - he already got a job because of it, and the value of the general alumni connections at any college are almost always dwarfed by the sports connection among those alumni, so he may be able to get a job post graduation just based on those connections. Also, being socially successful at college is a good indicator of success in the work world - people like to be around friendly people.
The brains of boys don’t fully develop until they are in their mid to late 20’s, so I would bet this situation works itself out on its own. Maturity doesn’t always arrive when we want it to, but it usually gets there eventually.
Thanks to everyone for the great advice. I think the natural consequences plus loans is a good idea. I don’t think I’m being harsh btw. We had clear expectations about grades before college. And, at the end of the semester, he actually left to go to the beach without turning in a final paper. We aren’t paying close to 50k a year (he has a 1/3 tuition break) for him to do the minimal.
Corraleno beat me to it: it’s a B- gpa. Not a C-.
You want to look at the courses, see if these grades are tougher courses or not in his interest area. One of mine kept reaching well over her head, til I convinced her to stay appropriate.
I agree he needs to turn in work.
Totally agree with the natural consequences and that if he doesn’t keep the scholarship he can either leave school or take a loan for the difference. I know kids that did manage to turn it around, at least to some extent. One co-worker’s kid lost his scholarship for a semester, but then turned it around and did well. One friend really wasn’t sure what to do when her son was not doing very well. He ended up needing an extra semester, but graduated, got a job and just got a promotion. And another kid who had a very bad time last fall, partially due to some mental health challenges, turned it around this semester with all As and Bs. It is very frustrating to watch kids not appreciate the gift of a good college education.
“And, at the end of the semester, he actually left to go to the beach without turning in a final paper.”
Yup, that would tick me off as a parent more than the gpa and the rest of it.
I think my younger son’s final GPA in college was 2.999. (He had no grades for junior year because he was in abroad programs that his college only gave Credit/No Credit grades for even though he had staight As.) He was on the Dean’s List senior year. His issue was that he had to take Arabic as an IR major and he is not a natural linguist, but he did get A’s in Arabic senior year. While my kid did a certain amount of procrastinating, his grades improved with growing up, with getting the required courses out of the way, and with finally getting a handle on Arabic.
Obviously the scholarship is an issue, but I’d wait another semester.
Nah. 2.7 is OK. Normal curve. Some students will be on the right tail, some on the left tail, some at the top of the curve. People do graduate college with a 2.7. The scholarship is an issue. If he loses it, you need to stop giving him any money at all. That means he pays for his books, travel, entertainment, and all out-of-pocket expenses. If his school is a plane-ride away, I’d pay his fare to get home, but he has to pay fare to get back from school vacations. Other than that, I’d just let my kid have a 2.7.
It sounds like he ended up at a perfect fit school. Imagine how he will feel if he thinks that you would pay full cost for Cornell but won’t pay for him to attend the school which he was accepted into. I would not threaten to withdraw support. You could sit with him and share your concerns. I agree that his lack of commitment to his studies and handing in work is very concerning. I would be worried sick if I were in your position. I get your concerns.
As an aside, I finished freshman year with a 2.9 and that is with only studying and socializing- no sorority/fraternity, no sports, no clubs. I graduated with honors and went to professional school. And that was after changing majors right into junior year! So there is hope.