Do we pull S18 from college?

Parent Cafe
1

We are in a quandary. S18 chose a LAC where his test scores put him above 75%, and got merit aid (not huge amt but ok for us, assuming he was doing well and taking advantage of everything the school had to offer). He’d been slacking in HS prior to college, but still managed mostly As, a few Bs. Swore he was SO ready for college (we wanted him to take gap year).

Fast forward. He loves his school, has tons of friends, joined a new sport that took time, but didn’t get good grades (2.7 1st sem). At that point we told him he couldn’t pledge a frat and had to stop the sport (he ignored the last demand, and recently returned from nationals - and yes, his father gave him a couple hundred earlier in the sem for incidentals, haircuts, etc., which he used to pay sport dues; school paid for all tournament related travel).

We’re waiting on 1 grade this sem bc he didn’t turn in final paper in time (and even stopped going to that class to avoid seeing a girl who said no to a date!), but based on his other grades, it seems unlikely he’ll have a 3.0 at this point. He needs a 3.0 to keep merit, but we just learned they give 3 semesters to achieve that.

He prioritizes socializing over work, can’t say no to fun, procrastinates, and always believes he will do better than he does. Procrastinating and not following directions also prevented him from receiving “guaranteed” summer funding for an internship.

When we thought he had to bring his grades up by this semester to keep the scholarship, we decided we wouldn’t send him back, and we’d tell him he could go get a job, apartment, see how he likes that, to try to kick him into gear. Now that we know he gets another semester, we’re torn, mainly bc he has a great on campus job lined up for next semester in an area of interest to him in which he’d be working with adult staff (which he secured through a friend from his team who graduated, after we’d been hounding him all yr to get a job to cover personal expenses and also to help him with time management and maturity).

What do we do??? He clearly has issues with delaying gratification (I recently reread that famous Stanford marshmallow study), but that seems hard to change. One surely couldn’t hold a job in real life and act like this. Help.

2

It seems to me the school is offering him natural consequences. No summer funding because he missed the deadline. Loss of merit if he doesn’t do well enough to stay over 3.0 next semester.

If it were me I’d wait until the merit is lost or gained and make sure he knows the loss of merit means you don’t pay the difference - if that is the case.

3

Is there a possibility that he has undiagnosed ADHD? That would be my first suspicion. It’s not uncommon for it to go unrecognized in highly intelligent kids until they get to college and begin to have trouble meeting all the demands on their time and attention.

A friend of mine had tried to get her son evaluated/diagnosed senior year in high school and they told her it was executive function disorder. But apparently that’s basically just ADHD that doesn’t meet the formal diagnostic criteria of significant impairment in 2 areas of life. Anyway, fast forward to end of sophomore year and he’s close to flunking out and now they are looking at spending the summer and possibly next Fall getting him a diagnosis, medication, coaching, etc.

Have your son take an online quiz for ADHD to see if this is potentially the root of the problem, then go from there.

4

Another possibility - is the school known for grading really hard the first semester? I had some professors in college who did this to set expectations for the quality they were looking for in writing, etc.

5

Is it correct that if he doesn’t get to the 3.0 it would be end of third semester. You are probably locked into the whole year of housing at that point, what about tuition? Can you realistically pull him out at Xmas? I suspect you have to be careful of empty threats. What classes is he taking? Has he decided on a major? He burned his Cornell transfer?

6

I don’t know. We can all give out opinions but you have to go with your gut sometimes. And this is one of those times. If the stipulation for funding college was that award, and he loses it, especially if it causes financial hardship to the family, then, I’d say out in an instant.

One mine lost his scholarship. His going to that school did not depend on that award but that he could not keep that minimum average was an issue. One of the lesser issues in the mix. He still finished in 4 years. Frankly, I didn’t want him home those years. Paying college costs was away to keep his problems more than 50 miles from the flag pole. It’s not like he would have had better choices for a squeaky clean life if the college option was gone. Not like he had any money. I didn’t want the disruption he had become at our house with the other kids there and because he was stressing me out big time. Where was he going to go? Yeah, I cared about the answer. So the least worst of the choices for all of us was for him to continue college which was I looked at as a friggin’ half way house for him.

7

I agree with @OHmomof2. I would let him stay for now but would set expectations with him today: If he falls below the 3.0 as of the next grading period, you won’t be able to pay to keep him there, and he will need to come home. Then, it’s on him to step up if he wants to stay.

8

An apartment? No.

Kid loses his aid, comes home. Gets a job. Takes the bus. Fixes his dinner when he gets home from work. That’s what life is like for people who don’t have a college education- they live with relatives and double up to split the rent and utilities. You will be generous and not charge him rent for the first few months until he gets on his feet.

If he’s thinking that the secret cash from dad is his lifeline; and if he senses that funding his start up costs for an apartment is in the cards, boy, is he NOT dealing with the reality that most 20 year olds with no college degree and modest skills are dealing with.

If it were my kid, I’d explain that until he has a sit-down with an academic dean to review where he’s been, what he needs to do next semester, and what his work/life/social life balance needs to be do achieve that, he’s not going back in the Fall. And if he does- he’s got one semester to keep his scholarship and then it’s time to find a job and share the frig/remote/washing machine with mom and dad again.

9

@Trixy34 No ADHD. We had him tested right before college due to his impulse control issues, and he scored very well in attention. We did a full neuropsych work up. He scored at the very top for needing to be around people (hence the need to have friends/fun at all times) and has some magical thinking (I can do this last minute and everything will be fine).

@Sybylla yes, he burned his Cornell TO, but didn’t care bc he loves his school and friends, so wasn’t considering it. I have to look into if we’re on the hook for expenses if we pulled him at Xmas. That’s a very good point. No, no realistic major, though is leaning toward business/Econ.

@cptofthehouse I completely understand what you’re saying, bc S18 causes too much drama in our house (we have 2 younger kids). That’s why we’d make him move out, do his own thing.

The issue with him is he doesn’t ever learn from his mistakes. None of the consequences have mattered to him: didn’t submit his mock trial video correctly, so they didn’t take him, oh well, same with singing group, then this with the grades this semester. He went back intending to get a 3.7 or above,” but I think when he found out he got another semester to pull the grades up, he reverted back to his fun before school ways. I almost feel like he won’t get it until he’s homeless and cold.

10

How are you making him move out? He needs first months/last months rent, security deposit, a credit history to get utilities/internet/cable. That’s on you.

Have you suggested that he look into a cheaper college so that the price of partying/socializing isn’t quite so high???

11

I’d be having him retake courses this summer to increase the GPA now. I’d also have him put a plan in writing about how he’s going to get his grades up next semester. Personally I wouldn’t keep paying.

12

One thing that isn’t being mentioned yet is the upcoming campus job. That is a new variable in the mix that could possibly help him turn things around in terms of time management (or, I know, make things worse), and possibly motivation. Having a job can help kids learn consequences pretty quickly…you don’t show up or are late, you get reprimanded and then fired. It could also be the dose of reality of well, having a job…if he can’t make it in school, this job thing will be his reality, 40+ hours a week.

13 
Really, he has all the cards. He hasn't had any consequences, he is obviously smart and charming. Really, if he just gets enough to keep his scholarship. that is all that matters. What is he doing NOW?

How much are you paying a year?

14

Just let the natural consequences occur (but warn him beforehand).

If he loses the scholarship, he covers the amount from work earnings.

Extra semesters beyond eight are on him.

And let him know that many employers screen college applicants for interviews using a 3.0 GPA.

Did you give him any conditions with respect to grades or GPA (beyond the implied staying in good standing and no D/F) before he started college? If not, then pulling him out when he is passing his courses seems like changing the deal afterward.

If he graduates in eight or fewer semesters, even with a 2.something GPA, do you consider him a failure?

15

We do not have nearly enough information in order to make an informed decision.

  1. You state that he gets some aid but fail to state how much. There is a big difference between $5k and $25k of aid per year.

  2. You don’t state what major he is working on. Pre-med or engineering a 3.0 just ain’t going to cut it. If he is looking at a softer say marketing degree, the ease at which he makes friends, etc could indicate that he is a better “people” person.

  3. He plays a sport and still pulls something close to a 3.0, well good for him. That is an accomplishment.

Sounds like your son was not and will not be the ideal student. I say don’t lose sight of the forest through the trees. Too many of the above posts, in my opinion, sound adversarial and sound like they are trying to teach “a lesson”. I don’t think that you need to see that first-hand life without a college degree has more doors closed than with one.

My suggestion is look at what he does well, is good at and try to formulate a plan with a high chance of success.

16

Coming home and bouncing from McJob to McJob isn’t the answer. Send him back for another year. They grow a lot in those freshman and soph years. Good luck.

17

@Blossom

Many young people with college degrees end up moving home and working in low paying jobs while people with skilled training (non-college) launch very easily.

18

@blossom, there are some fledglings that cause more trouble in the nest than worth it. But some of weak Mama Birds can’t just push them out of the nest because they can’t bear the “splat!” that may, can and dies occur. Some of it is self preservation

I’ve paid to keep them out of my house, yes, sadly I have. And no regrets. It was a luxury I could afford and was worth it

And I paid the tuition and costs for a wayward one for 4 years, (Guarantee you, no 3.0 avg and probably within a hair of flunking out) and wondered all through graduation weekend if it was all just a sham and no degree forthcoming.

There’s no one right answer for these things. I had certain lines dream in the sand, but I didn’t keep watch whether they were crossed either.

19

I agree that you need to set deadlines and expectations to be sure the consequences are understood. At the same time, I think you need to be encouraging and optimistic - the first years of college can be a time of significant maturation and growth.

I think I had a 2.2 my first semester - too much time at fraternity and too much freedom for a young kid. I made Dean’s List my last 2 years and graduated 1st from a T20 grad school after that. It can happen.

At the same time, two good friends in my pledge class flunked out - ended up working in a brewery and as a truck driver - so it can go both ways.

20

I agree with the natural consequences approach. Let him know now that you won’t pay the difference if he loses the scholarship. Sounds like he’s motivated to continue with his sport… so maybe that will be what drives him to pull up his grades.

If you pull him now, that will impact your relationship for the rest of your lives. You’ll own that decision. If you go the natural consequences route, he’ll have no one to blame but himself.

Now is the time to let him know that you are his loving parents forever, but you aren’t going to rescue him from the consequences of his own choices. Make the rules clear, but otherwise get off his case and give him room to fail. With his strong social skills he’ll likely land on his feet one way or another. He’ll be good at networking so if college doesn’t work out, he’ll find employment, even if it isn’t what anyone had in mind when he started college.