Of my 2 nieces who married and 1 that is engaged, 1 met her now H in law school (they knew of each other in HS but didn’t date until later). The other 2 met their respective partners online. None of them appear to be in any rush to marry. All of the brides were done with school and in late 20s or early 30s.
Believe pressure vary among different communities and neighborhoods.
To me, and I as stated previously am not one overly hung up on marriage before children but it still seems to be the standard in our society, my issues with waiting longer deal more with the impacts on fertility and child/mother health issues.
@doschicos Not to change the topic but I hear that young woman are opting to freeze their eggs. I don’t know how common that is. If this is the case then maybe there isn’t a rush to settle down just so one can have kids.
My brother is 32 and still single. His job requires extensive travel so he is constantly flying and staying at hotels which doesn’t really help him reach to a point of marriage, buying a home, and having a family.
I believe some of the Silicon Valley companies are offering freezing female employee eggs as a benefit. There is still the matter of being pregnant later in life IF you want to have a child/family and the increased risks that may pose to mom and infant, as well as the exhaustion of caring for babies. It was tiring enough when I was in my 30s–I imagine it would be even more tiring if I did it when I was older!
Plus egg freezing, though helpful when delaying starting a family, isn’t as foolproof - or cheap! - as doing things the old fashioned way our bodies were meant to do.
Yes, there is no guarantee that the eggs will not be damaged somewhere along the line, that the fertilization of them and jester implanting of them will proceed flawlessly, etc. There’s also the expense of fertilizing and implanting and how many fetuses to implant–one, two, eight?
There is an extremely small, wealthy subset of the population which chooses to freeze her eggs. It is NOT by any stretch of the imagination commonplace.
There are plenty of biological reasons why one should probably try to have children at a younger age (ie before 35ish) if they are going to have them at all. I have nothing against older parents but to deny that our bodies do have some biological limits is foolish IMO.
I think marriage is a legitimate life goal and if it’s important to a young person, there are things one can do to increase one’s chances. There is nothing wrong with being strategic about finding a spouse. The heavens are not going to open up when you are 30 and drop a husband or wife in your lap without any effort on your part. You have to go out there and look for someone. I also agree that waiting too long can be an issue if you are sure you want children. Nature is not fair but female fertility starts to decline at 30 and drops off rapidly after 35.
I know three married couples who met each other on Match.com (i may know more but they haven’t made it public). Targeting online dating is a good way to meet potential life partners.
The problem for a girl about marrying the college boyfriend can be the old maturity gap (which is still working its way out; IMHO most men are not really emotionally mature until 25, let alone financially stable–sorry). I think a young woman should not be averse to dating men who are a little older than she is (up to 10 years, maybe), especially if she wants to get married before she is 30.
Indeed. For instance, the pressure to marry young is still strong in many religious fundamentalist communities* I know of such as fundamentalist evangelical Christian groups some family members are a part of or some regions of the country like the area of rural Mississippi a branch of my extended family lives.
It was interesting to hear how most of my Mississippi cousins’ neighbors in the same age ranges were married or well-on their way to getting married not too long after high school or even in their late teen years with the parents’ blessing.
No, but if you are female, your biological clock is ticking.
If you are male, you can wait longer to have children than a woman can, but there are some disadvantages to being an older father. I have a friend who married late and became the father of two children in his late 40s. Now, in his 60s, he has one in high school and one in middle school, on top of a full-time job, and he is just plain physically tired in a way that a younger man (or a man his own age who was an empty nester) would not be. He’s also facing financial stress because his retirement and his second child’s college years will come at roughly the same time.
Also, for people of both sexes, the longer you wait, the greater the odds that the person you fall in love with will have a child (or more than one child) from a previous relationship or marriage. This is a challenging situation, even if everyone involved (including the kid and the ex) is cooperative, well-meaning, and mostly sane. But often, they aren’t. Kids in this situation are under stress by definition, and stressed-out kids are not easy to deal with. And exes often don’t get along well with each other – which is probably why they are exes.
My husband and I both had divorced parents, and three of our four parents remarried (one of them twice). All of the new spouses had children from previous marriages. Unless you have lived in this sort of situation, it’s unlikely that you appreciate its complexity. I saw it from the point of view of a child when it was happening, but now I can look back and see it from the adult viewpoint, too. Wow, the adults had a lot to cope with!
Yes, H was in his 40s when we had our kids and didn’t have the same stamina for running around on the field as the younger dads, but he was financially stable and a very doting dad. We were able to travel with our kids from the time they were 6 months old. It was tiring enough raising babies when I was in late 20s/early 30s. I wouldn’t have wanted to do it much later. On the other hand, I think being grandparents will be a lot of fun!
I read reports stating increasing evidence that older fathers can contribute to issues in children. Autism for example. It used to be thought that it was the mother’s age that matter but opinion is changing about the father’s age as well.
This article is scary in regards to how millennials view marriage. I know this is only one article and I shouldn’t take this too seriously. If you think I should start a new thread let me know.
http://time.com/3024606/millennials-marriage-sex-relationships-hook-ups/
“They also uncovered a surprising gem. Buried in the data was the revelation that almost half of millennials (43%, and higher among the youngest subset) said they would support a marriage model that involved a two-year trial — at which point the union could be either formalized or dissolved, no divorce or paperwork required. Thirty-three percent said they’d be open to trying what researchers dubbed the “real estate” approach — marriage licenses granted on a five-, seven-, 10- or 30-year ARM, after which the terms must be renegotiated. And 21% said they’d give the “presidential” method a try, whereby marriage vows last for four years but after eight you can elect to choose a new partner.”
Based on this article it may just be best to stay single. Why does it have to be so complicated?
They are already doing this. It’s called cohabitation.
Immaturity in relationships during the college years or even years afterwards isn’t necessarily exclusive to the male gender.
There are also plenty of young women from late teens until well into their mid-late 20s who are lacking in the maturity department as well.
One case is a younger friend’s ex who expected him to take her out to dinner 4-5 times a week or more despite the fact she knew his finances were tight and he had substantial college loans which would take a long time to repay after graduation. His parents, sister, and all his friends including yours truly knew it was a trainwreak in progress…but considering how much he loved her…found out he needed to learn his lesson the hard way.
And here’s a worse example…and she’s not only well past college age…but a medical doctor:
And she’s not a unique case considering what I’ve seen in various public areas such as the subway and nightlife venues.
For all the millenials I know, marriage is not a goal in life so nobody feels pressure to get married. DS will probably get married in about a year as GF is another nationality and will need visas. DD does not want an “exclusive” relationship. But then again, is not interested in kids. Many others are living together without marriage. In Europe it’s less popular than here.
So maybe an interesting twist is, do kids feel some strong desire for that exclusivity (solid relationship, maybe living together,) despite not feeling pressure to legally marry?
Ha - what an appropriate thread for me this morning, since D has informed me that she and her boyfriend went shopping for engagement rigs yesterday. How exciting!
I don’t think there’s a generalized pressure to get married (at least, not from what I’ve seen), although I’ll agree that there could be some regional differences. DD is 26 years old, graduated from college and established in a career in a Midwestern city. Her college friends are just now getting married and engaged – so no real rush to the altar.
On the other hand, I have a niece who is just graduating from a college in the rural south, and many of her friends are getting married right after graduation. Seems a little young to me, but what do I know?
Could it be a lengthy process, if her nationality is a “friendly” country, say, Canada? Do you happen to know? I think it will take more time and efforts than, for example, the time and efforts needed for your S to get his passport from the post office. But how long will the process be? 3 months? 6 months? 12 months?
Is she coming on a fiancé visa and getting married. here. I thought that was the quickest route.