I’m going to college in the fall 5 hours away from home. I’ve been having difficulties with my family lately concerning my boyfriend and our love for eachother. My boyfriend and I are very serious and want to get married one day but we both know now is not the time. My parents are upset that we had sex and have banned me from going over to his house in order to prevent any “accidents” (bear in mind, we were safe) Anyways. My schedule ends on Fridays at noon and I’m planning on coming home some weekends to live at his place so we can get some alone time. I’m also planning on helping him with rent. Pros: I will get to spend weekends with the love of my life, and it will be a test to make sure we are actually compatible for life. Cons: I would have to pitch in for rent and my parents would be furious if they found out.
Other cons to consider:
- Academic time: will you be able to do your homework? Study for tests?
- Fitting in on campus: will you be able to make friends when you are gone for many weekends?
I came home to visit my “love of my life” boyfriend often in my first year of college. I didn’t form deep friendships my first year because of it but I don’t really have regrets. (We ended up breaking up my sophomore year and I quickly started dating someone at college that I’m now happily married to.)
It did really cut into my study time. Traveling takes up way more time that you expect.
I think you should wait about a month before leaving for weekends. See what your academic load is like and how much free time you have.
Why on earth are you helping him with rent? You are not living there. You are staying over as a guest. “Living” there on weekends is nothing like what it would be like living with someone full time.
Well, part of you knows that trying to sneak into town without your folks knowing is a bad idea- not least b/c they have already caught you once, and you know how that worked out!
Why do you have to pitch in for rent for spending ‘some’ weekends with your bf? If he comes to your uni for a weekend, will he be chipping in for your rent? Aside from the fact that he already has to pay for his housing (there is no extra cost for having you, bar a few pennies for the hot water for your shower), you are the one paying the cost (both in your time and expense) of getting there and back so that you two can be together. If you are driving, that is 10 hours out of your weekend. This is all looking like a great deal for him, and not great for you.
Whatever else, making a financial commitment (as in bf makes a housing choice based on your expected contribution to the rent) would be an exceptionally bad idea (for all the reasons you aren’t ready to get married). Lying to your parents is a very bad idea as well.
Finally, I strongly recommend that you make a clear choice to stay on campus for the 2-3 weekends of the school year. There is a lot going on in those weeks, and it’s an important part of learning your new community. Your plan is to be with your bf for +/- 70 years, but you will need your college community for the next 4 (and frankly, you two should be able to be apart for a few weeks without too much trauma).
Honestly, you’ve probably already made your decision, regardless of what we say. I would nix the rent thing, especially if you follow through with the above suggestion of only spending one weekend a month. As far as your parents go…well, I’m pretty much of the mind that if one should only break the rules if you’re prepared for the consequences. As long as you are doing well in school and meeting whatever criteria they set, are they the type who will stop paying for school, or will it just be a lot of yelling and screaming?
I do have sympathy for you, though. I’m not saying they have to condone it, but letting your kid go 5 hours away to college and yet banning you from seeing your boyfriend is…something lol
*edit: should have read 'first 2-3 weekends!
Don’t pay his rent. Save the money for when he comes to town to visit you so you can get a hotel, and you don’t have to sexile your roommate. And pay cash for the hotel.
Yes, why wouldn’t he spend the 10 hours in travel time for each visit so you could spend more time studying? And spend the “rent” money on a hotel.
It might work out if you only did it a few times when you had nothing going on, but driving 10 hours per weekend would get old really fast.
College is a great place to learn new things and encounter new experiences. Campus life is as important as academics. You would miss out on so many things if you are away from campus every weekend. While if is cool to visit your boyfriend once a month, I think it is a bad idea to not make the most of your college life. And, spending time with boyfriend every weekend can drastically cut short your study time. In the relationship front, I believe long distance relationships are the true test of love.
My daughter just sort of went through this…she would take a train to see him most every weekend her freshman year. She said it definitely changed her first year of college…she didn’t make as many friends, didn’t make friends who were boys, and didn’t get involved in campus activities. On the other hand it made it easy for her to not have to go to drinking parties with her friends.
She is upset that she wasted time and money (for travelling) on him this past year.
One reason he broke up with her is she has a path to the future via college…he has a different path and is having a hard time getting started on that path while still trying to plan around her. She too though that she might want to marry him in the future.
My suggestion is that you realize now is a time for you to explore interests, make new friends, and become indepenedent. If you do see you boyfriend, don’t do it every week… DO NOT PAY RENT it is not your house. You are a guest. If he is pressuring you, that is a RED FLAG. If it is your idea, then discard that idea. You are the one travelling (How? Do you have a car?)…you are “investing” time and $$ to visit. He should chip in for travel expenses.
Also realize that a 5 hour trip is not trivial…he should be coming to visit you some too. If you are doing all the travelling that is not a good partnership.
How will you get homework done while doing all of this travelling?
Keep in mind that your parents do have your best interests in mind…they want you to focus on your studies and not be bogged down by a HS boyfriend.
I don’t have a car I plan on taking a bus from my college town to a town about an hour away and then he’d pick me up. He has offered to help with travel expenses and I would do my homework on the bus or while he’s at work and then we would spend time together at night. I’m also a very good student, and I’m good with time management. I just would like to see him
Oh my I somehow completely missed the 10 hour drive. That is WAY WAY WAY too much. I did the weekend trips because I lived less than an hour and a half away.
Do you know how taxing it is to drive 10 hours in a weekend? It’s easy to say you’ll do homework on the bus but it’s much more difficult than you’d think.
Why would he help you with transportation expenses if you’re helping him with rent? Tell him to put that money towards rent. Once again, why are you helping with rent?
In my junior year of high school right before IB/AP/final exams I took a trip to Europe. 12 hours of air time and I did homework and studying for about three quarters of the flight so I could free up time the first few days and lighten my load. I’m used to long hours of travel and it would not be difficult for me to concentrate on a bus
Honestly, not sure what kind of advice you want. I assume that he will make the trip sometimes to visit you also. Your plan seems fine to me.
I can’t relate to your parents feelings. You didn’t really give us an alternative option to consider. If you want to maintain this relationship, I don’t see what other choice you have.
What I don’t understand is why you have to pitch in for his rent? Is he going to pitch in for your rent in your dorm?
I’m thinking @PrivateConundrum and @ClassicRockerDad were right: it appears that you have already made up your mind, and it’s not clear what kind of advice you are looking for.
You opened this thread with ‘Does this sound like a bad idea?’.
Every single poster has said some version of yes, at least some parts of it sound like a bad idea.
So far the only negative that you have addressed is that your bf is contributing to the travel (some $ and driving to pick you up from the bus station) and the fact that once you were able to work on an airplane, so working on a bus will be no problem.
Is the reason that you are chipping in for the rent so that he can afford to have his own place? Is this a back door into living together (you are away at college M-F, but come ‘home’ to your shared place on the weekend?).
Anyway the bigger question is: what are you looking for?
If you pay for hotels when he visits, it is going to be a LOT easier to extricate yourself if you break up than if you are paying his rent. I am also pretty sure your parents would prefer that you not give him rent money while they ate footing the bill for you to live on campus – not because of the relationship, but because you should help with your own college expenses if you can and reduce their costs.
My question is: Where is the money that you would be contributing to his rent coming from? Where is the money for all these bus trips to see him coming from? If it’s coming from your parents, either directly or indirectly, and they do not approve of your relationship and you are going to be:
a) lying to them about the state of your relationship
b) lying to them about your whereabouts on weekends
and
c) using their money to fund these shenanigans without their knowledge or consent, then yes, I think this is a very, very bad plan indeed and may do quite a bit of damage to the level of trust your parents have in you.
Just such a bad idea on soooo many levels:
not growing as an independent person
not taking advantage of everything college has to offer,
emotional pain from lying to your parents and a possible (probable) eventual break-up,
money (how will you pay for these bus tickets and possible rent (better not be from funds from your parents)
Your parents, no doubt, will find out about this arrangement eventually. I hope your man is worth losing their trust and good opinion (and possibly financing?).
For the record, the only part that I thought was a bad idea was paying him rent.
Otherwise, who is anybody to tell you that you should or shouldn’t have a relationship with someone long distance. It works often enough that it seems worth pursuing to me.