<p>Sounds like a gap year is in order here… I’d withdraw him asap, and encourage enrollment at local community college or techincal school…in a program or area of interest that is chosen by him, instead. However he proceeds, it’s clearly time to cut the apron strings, Mom.</p>
<p>“I’d withdraw him asap, and encourage enrollment at local community college or techincal school…in a program or area of interest that is chosen by him, instead.”</p>
<p>Tech schools, community colleges cost money and require some level of organization and self discipline from students.</p>
<p>I’m not sure there’s a magic formula - I’ve known kids who “did it all themselves” and then missed critical dealines near the finish line. Things worked out.</p>
<p>I’ve also known some over involved parents whose kids figured it out for themselves once their parents were conveniently located many miles away.</p>
<p>The failures come from both camps as well - I think the key in the OP’s situation is that she knows she’s done too much. I suspect it will work out in the long run (with a few bumps and perhaps a change of major or two) if the son truly does want to be in college. When there are no parents around to do the work and everyone else is “doing college” he probably will too. If not - then you can come up with a plan B. At this point, there is no way to go but forward, after a heart to heart about his taking charge of his own life.</p>
<p>I think the OP should figure out (with spouse) in advance some expectations for S and the consequences if they aren’t met. And then to communicate them to S, let him know that you are serious, and especially important, to follow through on them. As a rule, I try to never threaten something that I won’t follow though on. </p>
<p>The first one you’ve already done: If the assignment isn’t done, we won’t pay for first semester tuition. A logical next one is that if the grades for the first semester don’t meet some standard (a particular GPA, or nothing below a C, etc.), you won’t pay the second semester tuition at this college, but will at a community college (or whatever you think makes sense). It also make sense to consider options in advance about if he wants to drop a class midway through the semester, or with these expectations in mind if he wants to adjust his first semester schedule now. </p>
<p>Once the expectations and consequences are understood by parents and S, back off and let S take ownership.</p>
<p>Don’t underestimate your son. He’s smart and he’s sociable, so he should do well in college. Is there an undergraduate adviser that you can contact with now?</p>
<p>My two cents, based on my experience teaching college freshmen their calculus courses.</p>
<p>1) Ditch saying “we” in reference to your son’s college major and everything else concerning * his * college experience except for “we’re paying your bill” since that is true.</p>
<p>2) I like the idea of telling your son to get that summer assignment done before you’re willing to pay the first semester bill. But two caveats: (1) * If he shows you his work for the assignment, accept the quality of the assignment as it is done. * Do NOT pre-grade or judge the quality of the completed assignment or tell him it’s not done because you think it could be improved. (2) * Be sure you are willing to withdraw him if the assignment is not done, and have a back up plan if he decides to not complete the assignment. * You don’t want him sitting on his rear end all of next year while you continue to make plans for him: So give him two alternatives: Complete the assignment by the day the bill is due and go off to college OR be prepared to start looking hard (several hours per day) on finding employment and start paying a modest rent every month to you once he gets a job.</p>
<p>3) Be realistic in your expectations concerning his first semester grades. I strongly urge you to NOT impose an artificially high GPA for him to maintain. Ask your son to find out what the minimum gpa needed for adequate progress towards his degree program is and what the minimum gpa needed to maintain any FA/merit aid that he has at the college. [You can, if you really want, quietly verify his answer when he is NOT around.] If your son doesn’t have any merit, then the min gpa may well be a 2.0. If that’s the case, then I’d strongly encourage you to tell your son that as long as he’s earning NO D’s or F’s and maintaining a GPA that’s better than a 2.0 [or whatever the correct number is], you’ll pay for the second semester. * Remember that the important thing in the long run is to graduate on time!* In the long run it really doesn’t matter for most students if they graduate with a 2.2 or a 3.3 or a 4.0.</p>
<p>4) Do NOT call your son everyday when he is at school asking him how his classes are going, is he staying on top of his homework, is he ready for today’s test, and how did he do on that big midterm he took yesterday. For at least the first month or so, try to restrict the phone calls to * once a week * for maybe 30–60 minutes on, say Sunday afternoon. And talk about things OTHER than school work too. And tell him what’s up at home instead of just grilling him for how he’s doing in school and what’s going on in his life.</p>
<p>5) Unless your son specifically gives the college permission for you to see grade information, you will not automatically see his grades. (He will have to show them to you himself.) And you will not be able to discuss his grades in a particular class with the professor. That may seem scary to you at first, but it will help force your son to take responsibility for understanding whether he really is “doing ok” or not.</p>
<p>6) Resist the temptation to swoop in and fix things if your son calls you about problems. If he tells you he’s worried about grades, mention that he needs to look into tutoring or see the professor, but don’t then nag him about it every day for the next week.</p>
<p>7) Re packing for college: Tell your son it’s his job. Whatever he packs, he’ll have. Whatever he leaves behind, he’ll either need to replace or wait for you to ship it on your schedule. Or, for many things, he can wait until Thanksgiving and bring it back with him then. Most kids (including young men) over pack for college anyway. If he doesn’t have “enough” clothes, he’ll learn to do laundry (or wear dirty clothes, if he’s like my S). If he forgets his iPod, he’ll learn to live without it (for a while), and be grateful to get it back when you either mail it or he picks it up at Thanksgiving.</p>
<p>8) If he tells you architecture is not working out and he wants to change majors to ***, listen to his reasons and do NOT say, “But you’ve always dreamed of architeture.”</p>
<p>Gap year or CC has been suggested by several posters.</p>
<p>I’d resist a vague “gap year” at this point and I’d resist sending the son to the local community college too. If S is still living at home and going to CC, then it will be very, very difficult for both the S and the mom to change their behavior patterns. Mom would still likely wind up over managing the S’s academic deadlines.</p>
<p>I’d tell S that if he’s not ready to go to college (as evidenced by not completing the summer assignment), then he’d better get a job—even a minimum wage one—and start paying for some of his expenses such as cell phone, car insurance and gas, and also a modest rent payment to parents. A job will do more to help the S grow up than taking CC courses he might not be interested in.</p>
<p>As hard as it might sound you have to let go. My son is off to college this fall. He is a great kid, well liked, and was an average student at private boarding school who barely graduated because of a senior drinking incident. Although he has never been in any serious trouble, he is going through a major bout of being difficult, disrespectful, and procrastinating about everything. We also drew a line in the sand and stopped nagging him about getting things ready for his departure on August 18 th. To our surprise and amazement he actually had a plan in place. He is leaving his summer landscaping job next week (50 hours/week), showed us a bank book with $ 2,800 in it , just purchased a new laptop, and presented a check to us to pay for his books for the first semester. </p>
<p>My wife and I are still numb !!! </p>
<p>Do not under estimate your son or daughters capabilities, we did, my wife and I are still trying to figure this out ?? Was it the nagging, constant fights with him, or the nurture cajoling, and babying ?? Go figure.</p>
<p>“Unless your son specifically gives the college permission for you to see grade information, you will not automatically see his grades. (He will have to show them to you himself.) And you will not be able to discuss his grades in a particular class with the professor. That may seem scary to you at first, but it will help force your son to take responsibility for understanding whether he really is “doing ok” or not.”</p>
<p>I agree that it’s not a good idea for parents to attempt to be actively involved in their students’ college assignments or communicating with professors. </p>
<p>At the same time, I think it’s important for parents who are paying for college to see grades at the end of the semester/quarter, and to let their student know in advance that students must show parents those grades in return for the parents continuing to provide college funding. Parents also need to let students know well in advance – such as at the beginning of the students’ school year or college experience – what gpas the parents require to continue funding the students’ college education.</p>
<p>NSM wrote:</p>
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<p>I strongly agree with you: We have our daughter sit down at the end of every semester when she’s home and show us her grades on the computer. But I also do think that parents need to be reasonable in their expectations of freshman year grades. Most “straight A” high school students will NOT be straight A students in college. As a parent, we set the minimum gpa line at “no D’s, no F’s, and grades good enough to maintain good academic standing/keep your merit awards” for the first two years and had to enforce this with D on two different occasions. Expectations for junior/senior grades have been higher since we now have a track record of what each kid is actually capable of doing at their college.</p>
<p>So my real point is that regardless of what people think ought to be the case, the fact is that parents (even those paying the bills) are NOT sent grade reports in the mail anymore. And parents do NOT have access to on-line grades either. So in order to see those grades, you absolutely must talk to your student and have them show them to you.</p>
<p>Is there a pre-semester activity for freshmen? One S is headed next week to a two day freshmen orientation – and we also signed him up for a week long pre semester “mini” college event at his school. These activities introduce the kid to a new world – one with some cute people doing clever things. That combination may do more to motivate S than anything else. </p>
<p>It doesn’t matter whether it is Fish Camp or Group Canoe or Yoga for Yalies – if he can spend a few days with his “next” crowd instead of the high school group of last year, then he can get his brain moving into the next gear.</p>
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<p>I believe that most kids internalize the nagging, lectures, nurturing, threats and cajoling and manage to rise to the occasion when necessary. Sure there are often bumps along the way but that is part of the maturation process. </p>
<p>I totally disagree that this kid needs a gap year or needs to go to community college. He was a good student in HS (92 average) and the fact that he is procrastinating about an assignment isn’t enough to suggest he’s not ready for college. Heck, my son’s private school had a summer reading requirement of 3-5 books plus a paper or two from 5th grade on. It was the very rare kid (even up until 12th grade) that didn’t put it off until the last minute.</p>
<p>Going through the college application process, some of our very best students (who got into Ivy league schools) put off doing their application until the very last minute. Many kids required a fair amount of cajoling and nagging to get them to do those applications (ask any GC how many kids wait until the last minute - I’m positive it is greater than 50%).</p>
<p>So while the OP may have been a little to free with some of her assistance, it’s not unusual. I suspect her son will do okay once he gets to college and if he doesn’t, they can deal with the consequences at that time.</p>
<p>Great advice, robinsuesanders.</p>
<p>Sometimes the only way you can get kids to start doing things on their own is when you leave them alone somewhere like college. That is also how you can see if they are truly not ready or meant to go to college at this time. If you can afford it, it can be money well spent even if it did not work out. If money is truly an issue, and you just cannot afford to spend money on college when your student is showing no signs of interest at all, it’s time to take a deep breath, and tell the student to start looking for a job, and if s/he can’t find one, find something to do so you don’t have one lying on the couch all day on the phone, computer, television, game system, ipod, living like a vampire, asleep till sundown and then out for blood, sucking the life out of you.</p>
<p>cptofthehouse, not sure you understand “challenging kids”, the way I was reading what OP was alluding to. The way I read it, while she admits to doing too much, the kid was also not stepping forward ready to take over. In addition, she described her son as crying out for help at one point in his life. This does not sound like the problem is because the mom did too much. More likely, this is about helping a kid who will need an advocate in college, that is, some sort of support in order to make it through. It is always a “hope” that all kids grow up and mature during their college years, but some kids need much more to help them get there.</p>
<p>Expecting the kid to grow up (suddenly) just because chronologically we say to “okay, now that you graduated from HS and able to get into college, go out on your own.” Without any support they are used to is a disaster waiting to happen for a kid who isn’t ready.</p>
<p>I’ve had similar concerns about my son making it to college. I can see the point others are making about pushing your kids. When my sons grades started to slide, I considered sending him to boarding school. I thought it might help him focus going to an all boys school. I even contacted a few. I liked what I heard about The Philips School and a few others, but the costs can make this choice really challenging.</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.gim.net/RelId/606977/ISvars/default/The_Phelps_School_Co.htm[/url]”>http://www.gim.net/RelId/606977/ISvars/default/The_Phelps_School_Co.htm</a></p>
<p>Anyway, after my research I came very close to enrolling him in The Philips School, but then we talked with my son and we’re going to stay with public school and hope the coming year he focuses more.</p>
<p>I think our conversation about boarding school woke him up to the fact he needed to take high school classes more seriously.</p>
<p>What’s all this about hovering over kids and demanding to see their grades? I’ve sent five kids to college and have never seen a college transcript – and to this day I have no earthly idea what any of my kid’s college GPA was. Once you’re out of high school you’re an adult.</p>
<p>An adult pays for his/her own way, unfortunately my kid is going to school on my dime, and I want to know it is not going to waste.</p>
<p>I may have misunderstood. If the child does have special needs that should be addressed, definitely dumping him at a boarding college is not a good idea. You do need to at least give swimming lessons before you throw someone in the water to sink or swim. My impression was that the kid was just a disinterested kid who is used to the mom doing too much for him. A description a lot of kds have in this day and age when parents are more involved than ever in their kids’ lives.</p>
<p>To fill out a college app to an away college for a kid that you think may truly have some issues that need to be resolved would not have been a smart thing unless the school has support for LD kids and the parent has them on board. For a student who truly has some issues that make it more difficult for going to away to college, it is not a good idea at all to send him off to school without extensive work. A true recipe for disaster.</p>
<p>A lot of kids who were dxed as Aspergers or high functioning autistic, LD, ADHD and a host of other categories are now of age for college, and finding the right slot for them is an issue that needs professional help. I know one brilliant young man with Aspergers that really got wrecked at college. Academically things were fine, but the social and emotional part was more than he could handle. A local school would have been a much better choice and that is what he is doing now and doing well. The question does arise whether he will ever be able to live independently, but that is a whole other issue.</p>
<p>I’m glad your 5 kids were all trustworthy enough that you could do this. There have been kids who could not bear to let parents know about difficulties and when the transcript was never viewed, a lot of problems went further than they should have and cost a lot more than if the first sign of trouble as shown on the transcript was addressed. College kids tend to be insane in some ways. Most do get through it all right, but we want to keep the damages down as low as we can, and checking certain things now and again is one way to make sure things are going in the right direction. It is not a guarantee, but it is one indication.</p>
<p>Had an afternoon with an old classmate who was a train wreck with contraband and some not so great companions during college, last weekend. He did do all right academically, so the transcript does not always show signs of trouble, but he did admit that many of the kids he was with, did flunk out and they were not able to handle school and being blitzed and bombed half the time. He was lucky that he was able to make it and regrets the time he wasted and the misery he put himself through at times. You had better believe he will be checking on his kids to make sure that any shift into that direction is nipped in the bud if at all possible. In his case, the death of his mother, and remarriage of his father during the last year of high school made it so that there really was no one checking up on him.</p>