<p>I posted the above without reading page 2–but, yes, ADD is certainly something to have checked out. </p>
<p>Dec, my heart goes out to you and your son. One thing that you need to know: his ability on his instrument is not going to diminish if he doesn’t go to Conservatory this year. In fact he may very well improve if he does end up taking a gap year. He is still the fine musician who was accepted to so many great programs! This has not changed.</p>
<p>He has obviously had great training up to this point. Could he continue studying with his current teacher?</p>
<p>I think you are right in wanting to support him in continuing to play music. It will probably be a very healthy outlet for him as he works through this difficult time. Also, when he is ready, he will need new goals and dreams! It will be wonderful for him to have something he is so passionate about to help him refocus his life. </p>
<p>I think there is a very fine line between genius and mental illness. Or maybe the line is a bit blurred! I think many people with extreme intelligence are touched by mental illness at some level. </p>
<p>Having your strength and support will mean a lot! He is lucky to have you!</p>
<p>As hard as it is to even think about, you might consider having him tested for drug use. If he is clean, that is great! If not, it is so important to know exactly what you are dealing with. </p>
<p>His history of elaborate deceit and extreme change in grades (last year) combined with skipping classes can be warning signs. </p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>I was thinking about your son throughout the day and one thing that occurred to me is that his story, packaged as say a screenplay aimed at teens, would be a typical in the tradition of the rouge kid hero who defies conventional rules and comes out on top… except not, in real life. I guess what I am saying is that if you mix impulsiveness, immaturity, high intelligence, and boredom (aka ADHD) <em>and</em> a romantic idea of how to take a shortcut to the top, you get a story like this one. It sounds as if you son is immensely gifted in very many ways, and that you have truly got your hands full. His behavior has brought on painful consequences, both for himself and his parents (look at all you have done to support him up until now.) He’s lucky to have such a devoted, smart, and caring mom to help him weather the upcoming months. It will make a huge difference in his life. </p>
<p>Thank you, all, for thinking about my son and our problem and giving us your advice. Clarimom, I didn’t equate LD with not being smart–so no worries. It’s just that he’s never complained that school work is difficult and he seems mostly mystified at why he didn’t tackle the work he could have done. He seems to have low impulse control, to use the stress of an immediate deadline as his sole motivator to work, to regularly underestimate the time required to complete a task. He also seems to be engaged in some industrial-strength levels of denial and to have a worrying inability to monitor his successes and failures. Right now, my head is in a whirl. I have a counselor’s number in hand–tomorrow’s task–and am waiting to talk to his present teacher before contacting the conservatory. Tomorrow we talk to the high school counselor about graduation requirements and options. I’ve researched GED as a possibility, but it seems designed to thwart students who are trying to do exactly what we’re doing. One needs to not be enrolled in school, to wait until age 19, or get an age-waiver. I was hoping you could just waltz into a test center, plunk down your money and take the test. I agree that he would likely pass it without needing to study: it is essentially a reading comprehension, graph-reading and math exam, with a paragraph-length piece of writing thrown in. What I most want is a neuro-psych eval to see what might be up–and a path to wellness. I’m afraid we are, indeed, in for a long process. I’m not sure a gap year is going to cover the transformation he may need to make in order to be successful in school on his own. Thanks again. It helps to have others in on the problem. @-) </p>
<p>I am so sorry to hear about your son’s recent problems. I suggest not calling Oberlin until you have met with the mental health professional. It certainly won’t hurt anything to wait a couple of weeks since high schools have not finished yet for the year. Your situation is complex and it will take more than one visit to a mental health practitioner to assess what is going on.</p>
<p>I had senior year implosions with both of my kids. I hope this long story is supportive in this dark and frustrating time. Kids can do some really wacky things. It is very obvious that for many teens, the frontal lobes of the brain just haven’t finished their development! </p>
<p>Your post caught my attention because my daughter’s big goof was with Oberlin. I feel for you. It was a horrible time for us over six years ago. D had been accepted to the liberal arts side (she did not apply to the conservatory but wanted to keep playing violin). She was a good student and was offered a very nice package as an “early write” in February of her senior year. The guidance counselor at her HS was new and, after being informed of her admit sent her transcript to Oberlin to reflect her first semester senior year grades (maybe they asked for this, hard to remember). Anyway, D had decided to fail AP B-C calculus during the fall semester. We were aware of this and working with the HS to salvage the course. We anticipated that the grade would be changed before Oberlin wanted the final transcript in June.</p>
<p>Calculus was right after lunch and D had gotten into the habit of riding the bus into town from her high school (with friends-we live in a college town). Her love of “Cold Stone” and “Sweet Frog” seemed more important than coming back to campus for calculus. D contacted Oberlin. The admissions officer applauded her willingness to admit that the grade was simply poor judgement on her part. However, the early write admission was rescinded pending the outcome of the calculus. D retook the first semester exam and the grade was changed to a “C”. Oberlin reinstated her admission. Being the teen she was at the time, D took offense at Oberlin, turned down the reinstated admission and went to Grinnell instead. She graduated Grinnell with top grades and is now heading to a PhD program in Neuroscience. She has no regrets. </p>
<p>I do know Oberlin is used to “quirky” kids and does an excellent job of managing them (probably why they reinstated D’s admission). If Oberlin is in your son’s future, they will be able to “get” him and, if mental health services are needed, can help him there as well. Your son is not the first Oberlin admit that has made perplexing choices and certainly won’t be the last, either.</p>
<p>My son’s acting out was a route similar to your son-failing a college course at the local university where he was attending as a special student. He had simply quit attending the class and hung out in the college’s music library!. Although the failed course did not affect his college admission, it did affect how we handled his going to college in the fall. We constructed a contract about grade expectations. If he was not ready to do college, he could choose not to go (and take a gap year) or go and know that he needed to maintain a 3.0 in order to come back for the second semester. He finished his first semester of college with a 3.2.
He is now on his way to grad school in an MM program and is graduating from college on Saturday with a 3.7 overall GPA.</p>
<p>In the case of both of my kids, they elected to act out in a fairly “low stakes” setting-high school (not expensive like college and the transcript will never be asked for again). Both claim that they knew what they were doing when they made the bad choices (it did not seem like that to me at the time). My son did notoriously bad work throughout high school (fortunately he had good SAT and AP scores). He was bored, rebellious and wanted to do his own thing. We had worked with a therapist on and off during those years. He does have an anxiety disorder and that may have been involved in his failure to turn in HS work. Anxiety can look like ADHD or an oppositional disorder (inattentiveness, irritability and avoidance). </p>
<p>Hang in there. Keep talking with your son and chart your course of action after you and the professional have sorted through the issues with your son. It will work out and he has not blown his opportunities. His talent is there and he will find his path. Being accepted to Aspen is no small accomplishment. Even if he can’t go this summer, it will be there in the future for him. Virtual hugs!</p>
<p>If you decide to send him to Aspen, can you go with him? Parents do that all the time. It’s expensive, of course, but you’d be able to keep an eye on him.</p>
<p>The fact that you slept in his room says more than anything else you wrote. I would not rely on a therapist or even psychologist or neuropsych. for evaluation. I would find the best darn psychiatrist I could find. There is no test for ADD but certainly it sounds like there are elements of that going on. However, I also think it is very possible your son has bipolar disorder. You are afraid of what he might do. If he could get into a good evaluation program through a hospital, I would recommend that, and meds are far more important than therapy for bipolar disorder. If you truly think he is in danger, you can take him to an ER and they can assess that there.</p>
<p>I will PM you.</p>
<p>Thanks for the happy ending stories, hornet. I wish my S had gotten “only” one bad grade. And I wish that I could feel that a contract would do the trick. I can too easily imagine discussing the contract with him, having him nod his head, and then find out at the end of the semester that he had fallen off the terms of the contract long before. I’m really curious–and scared–of what diagnoses will be coming our way. As you said many of these illnesses have similar symptoms and sorting out what’s going on can be difficult. The GP’s initial take, based on my story over the phone, was of perfectionism mixed with OCD. My son has said that he has never considered hurting himself. That’s a relief to hear, considering he’s admitted to so much that was quite painful to hear. However, I slept in his room last night because I was so utterly shocked by all he had revealed. If you find out your child has been lying to you for a LONG time, you are afraid to believe anything, no matter how much you want to hear positive things. I touched base with his present teacher today and he echoed my sense–that while something is clearly wrong, S doesn’t seem “dark” like someone contemplating suicide. Glassharmonica, I could not afford to go stay with him at AMFS–and I think he might rather stay home than have me there. There’s something about camp that seems to bring out his pride in being independent and responsible. He has been successful at it both times he’s gone. Neither of us, S or I, can figure out what it is about camp that is different than the same type of experience at school. He describes it as a delicious little bubble–perhaps that he’s not asked to do anything else but focus on music? I’m not as concerned about him being gone to the festival as starting school. The real concern is that he would be gone the entire summer when counseling and new strategies for dealing with work could be being practiced. And, if he must make up academic credits, this would be hard to accomplish while he’s gone at camp. No oversight.</p>
<p>Oh…my heart goes out to you soooo much. You are not alone. The details are different, but I have been through the heartache with my 20 year old. I echo the posts that say you are so lucky to have this happen while he is still at home. My D has depression, anxiety and anxiety-induced psychosis. She is so smart, has such potential and we had to (very slowly…it takes time) adjust to taking life on her schedule. She graduated from high school a year “late”. (I’m leaving out details of a very dark time.) We ended up taking her out of the local public school (with all its HUGE pressure to succeed and get into a top school), then paying college prices for a private high school where she was able to have “classes” one-on-one. She then went away to college 2 1/2 hours from our home, coming home nearly every weekend (her request.) She started staying home from classes, not doing the homework, etc…finished the quarter with 7 out of 16 credits. She tried going back winter quarter but came home after 3 weeks. After a year of some work, a lot of therapy, continued readjustment of medication, she is now taking 1 class at our local community college. She is the most content I’ve seen her in over 4 years. Meanwhile, my younger D is headed to Oberlin this fall (college, not the conservatory). I am as ecstatic over my older daughter’s 1 class at the community college as I am over the Oberlin acceptance. It is a slow process and during the darkest times, I felt like I was floating in a dream (not a good one.) Life was continuing on for everyone else…I wanted to yell…STOP…wait for us…PLEASE. </p>
<p>You seem like a wonderful parent; I know you’ll make the right decision for your son. ADD does sound like a possibility. My younger daughter was diagnosed at 16…the doctor explained that she didn’t just get it…she’d always had it, she was just able to manage it until life got too complicated. The first day she took Adderall she came home and said…Is this what it’s always like for everyone else??? </p>
<p>A gap year sounds like a great idea; I truly wish it was a more “normal” option for kids; many need it. Does the camp have a year round program that he could work at? “Delicious little bubble”…wow, very descriptive. This sounds like a kid who is scared stiff of the world out there. When my older D had appendicitis back in 6th grade, I got my first foreshadowing of the mental illness that would rise in 8th grade. After 2 weeks at home, she didn’t want to go back to school (and she’d always loved school)…she said she had entered this other world and it was nice and she didn’t want to leave. It’s so hard…our oldest…all the dreams and expectations we had were wrong for her but of course we didn’t know that. Thankfully, she let us know in her own way that it wasn’t working for her and, thankfully, we listened. You’re listening…good for you. </p>
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<p>@dec51995 - your description could be written about my own son, and trust me, its entirely possible to have those grades, SAT scores and still have a learning disability…if you happen to be a genius, which I suspect your son is, in fact. LDs go largely unnoticed in the uncommonly bright because overall their performance remains superior so the “gap” between capability and performance is not known.</p>
<p>The behavior you describe is very familiar to me. Not until his first year of university was my son dx’d via neuropsych evaluation with Inattentive Type ADD, which is very different in nature than regular ADD. In this phenom, there can be a cognitive tempo issue and an under-development of executive function which can lead to real problems managing structures and anticipating outcomes. Think Winnie the Pooh ;)</p>
<p>In my son’s case, despite a genius-level IQ, he had enormous difficulty organizing his material to write essays, which took him twice as long as “neuroatypicals.” He also had trouble with note-taking due to Central Auditory Processing disorder, which is often part of inattentive-type ADD. However, since he still did well in a gifted HS, we didn’t KNOW there was a pathological reason underpinning his difficulty with organization and deadlines…we just thought it was behavioral/flakey/immaturity. And though I use the word immaturity, he always also seemed wise beyond his years 
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<p>But true to dx, the part of his brain that governs executive function was about 3-4 years behind “neuroatypical” maturity. Time just wasn’t “real” for him then, and tomorrow was always a new day…and at a rigorous, competitive university, where most folks were as natively smart as him, this lead to erratic struggles…As in production or performance settings, but for a spell, failing or low grades in other courses, depending on the type. Fortunately, we caught on early that there was a problem and a pattern after his first semester and only failure of a class.</p>
<p>Going forward after the DX, he received cognitive behavioral therapy in weekly counseling sessions at the U’s LD department, and started a low dose of adderall, which in I-type ADD, helped him focus. The Meds were his decision, and he said it was like lifting a fuzzy lens in terms of organizational capacity. He still always danced at the edges of deadlines since despite his great writing it was always painstaking for him, but he got through and graduated and today is much more “caught up” in terms of executive function.</p>
<p>Which is why I am sharing this with you. If there’s a chance your son is like mcson, it will be very empowering for him to both understand whats going on and to work towards creating the structure he needs to not feel adrift and ticked off at himself when he stumbles, but instead to practice at overcoming the obstacles.</p>
<p>Knowing what I now know, in your shoes, I would invest in a really thorough neuropsych evaluation, which will also help identify if there are other psychological factors at work. If he’s already 18, the adult neuropsych will also qualify him for LD support at university, which I might add, is still entirely possible to attend – and graduate :)</p>
<p>And whether he takes a gap year or you find a work-around, I want you to know that with information, practice, and time, it’s very likely that you will see what we call “evidence of dawning maturity” – particularly if his executive function is in any way presently impaired. Time alone makes a big difference in this case.</p>
<p>So hugs and best wishes on your journey!</p>
<p>I’m so glad there are so many smart, caring people on CC to offer great advice. I don’t have any experience here or good advice but I just wanted to send you some hugs and good wishes. </p>
<p>I do believe everything happens for a reason even when we don’t understand it. It’s probably a blessing in disguise that this came up now, before he was off at school. Just because his path isn’t going to be the one you all had planned, doesn’t mean it isn’t going to be the right path for him and still a really great one! You just never know what the future holds. </p>
<p>Thanks so much for sharing the stories of your kids. This is a really complicated problem and your stories help me see how important it will be to get a thorough eval and a plan. It’s comforting, also, to know that there are specific services available at the university that students have used successfully. I’ve been struggling with the idea that the school might provide a generic “academic services” office that would not address the whole problem my S is having and that he would reject even that help and continue downward. I’m going to try to see this problem as more of an opportunity for me to better understand my son and see him as the person he really is and a chance to better understand the traits (good and bad) of neuroatypicals. As a teacher, that can only benefit me, as I work with LD students all the time. I think I can be more positive and helpful to him and get myself through this problem. I’ve also been worried that my H and I will not be able to rise to the occasion. To quote one of my favorite lines in the Lord of the Rings movie: “Time for [dec51995] to show h[er] quality.” </p>
<p>Agree with the recommendation for very good clinical care. I would choose a clinician associated with a group practice that also has a psychiatrist and, personally, I would seek out a clinical psychologist who has many years of experience with adolescent issues. Clinical psychologists are trained in formal psychological assessment and have neuropsychological and personality assessment tools in addition to verbal assessment. Sometimes the guidance counselor at the high school knows of psychologist that families have had good experiences with. Your GP may also be a good source. If you choose to go with a clinic associated with your local university, avoid getting a psychiatry resident or clinical psychology intern. They are typically young themselves and often haven’t yet developed the intuition that comes with years of practice.Residents and interns also rotate out; you will need someone who can work with you over time.</p>
<p>I teach psychology at a community college. Roughly 60% of my students are “reverse” transfers. They started out at a college or university and, usually came home as the result of issues that came to the surface (very common, most problems surface in the late teens-biology and stress working together). The course for each student is different as it depends on what the young person is dealing with.Some are ready to move on to the four year school after a year, others take longer. If your son attends college next year, be sure to have him sign the FERPA. Without his signing this form, you will not be able to access any information. With access to his information, you can monitor and, if he is failing, withdraw him from school without ruining the transcript-most of my students with psychological challenges take full advantage of this option.</p>
<p>As several parents have mentioned, there are so many possibilities as to what issues your son is dealing with. You may need the next year just to get a handle on things and there may be issues that resurface once your son does go to college. We dealt with old issues all year as my son applied to grad school-he could not sleep, he withdrew from friends, was short tempered and called home every night complaining about various things. I wondered if he was developing a latent psychosis as his talk turned very negative (he turned 22 last month and felt that life was “downhill” after 21-in spite of the accolades from his professors, a great senior recital and admission to every program he auditioned with). A visit back to his psychologist at home helped as he was once again struggling with transition. He did not return to his “old self” until about a week ago. </p>
<p>Personally, I would look at withdrawing the acceptance or deferring for a year. I don’t think it is necessary to go into a great deal of detail with a college that does not know you yet. One possibility is to do a service year (once your have a clear understanding of his issues). Americorp is a good program and respected by colleges as a gap year option. In large cities, it employees local young people who continue to live at home but have the peer group of co-workers and the satisfaction of helping others. You can also look at completing the adult high school diploma at your local community college (sometimes can take as little as 2-3 months). Someone had mentioned the GED. Be careful with doing that route. Although quicker, many selective college will not accept the GED but will accept the Adult High School Diploma. Completing high school may be a good option for the summer. The diploma will open many more gap year possibilities for him. Some programs will not accept him without the HS diploma.</p>
<p>Finally, do not blame yourself. You did not cause your son’s issues. Keep talking to supportive and positive people; make sure you have outlets for stress relief for yourself.</p>
<p>We did not have good success with diagnosis with anyone other than a psychiatrist, though a neuropsych. eval. was helpful after the diagnosis to further our understanding. GED’s are accepted in more places than you would think. Also check into North Atlantic Regional High School, which will grant a diploma for some alternative activities. Depending on diagnosis there will be many useful accommodations through disability services, but much of those accommodations are negotiated with professors by the student, with additional advocacy by a dean or other admin.</p>
<p>hornet: thanks for all the good information. It leads me to a couple questions. I think most conservatories will not let you defer. And, we’ve already accepted, so that gets more tricky, right? I wonder if we can just backstep and lose our deposit and/or if being a candidate whose acceptance will in all likelihood be rescinded, my son falls into the category of students for whom deferring is not an option. Also, he’s been accepted into a studio, so this will affect the teacher who reserved him a space. Besides picking the psychologist, I also need to work my way through the minefield of communication with the conservatory teacher, being fair to him without unduly prejudicing my son with a teacher with whom he/we still hope he may one day study. I’ve thought of service as a possibility for S during a gap year, but I can’t get around the fact that–I believe–he will need to take some classes, not only to fulfill his graduation requirements but also to show that he is “back on track” with being able to handle academics. If he reauditions next year, he will need new grades and new letters of recommendation for his application. I talked with his current teacher last night–didn’t want to initiate conversations with the school without his teacher’s sage advice. He recommended talking to the new teacher as soon as possible. I’ve heard from some of you (many thanks for all the stories and advice) to wait until I have more information from the counselor and to give no more information than necessary. I suspect there is no one right answer for how to proceed and I’m going to have to go with my gut and hope for the best. By nature, when I get myself to the point of asking for help, if I err in one direction it is toward honesty and trust rather than toward delineation and reticence (you may go so far in your line of questioning, but I will have my eye toward my S’s best interests as I see them and you may not get all the information you want). That just is not me and would be a stretch. As worried as I am about my S and his future, I can’t let go of the obligations I feel toward this teacher that we were so excited to have my S work with and this school that we were so excited to have him be a part of.</p>
<p>The FERPA option is especially helpful to know. Thanks for mentioning it.</p>
<p>Here’s something that has occurred to me: we (my S and I) presented my S as an ideal college candidate in order to win a spot for him at the school of his dreams. He took the spot of a more deserving candidate (more fit to take on the challenge of a music performance degree, able to meet the grade requirements of the program). I love my son and want what is best for him. However, I am feeling intense obligation to do right by the program, too. I don’t think it’s just me feeling guilty. There’s always a larger picture to consider, even if it might seem that, for my S’s well-being, I can’t afford to be concerned with the larger picture right now. I put in the call to the new teacher. Couldn’t stand not letting him know.</p>
<p>I am a little confused about one aspect of the story: how was he admitted to Oberlin if he’d failed his first semester courses?</p>
<p>dec51995. Honesty is important and I hope I did not imply I was advocating dishonesty. My daughter’s honesty with Oberlin about her bad choices worked in her favor (they reinstated the admission). I agree that you should withdraw his admission. Even with psychological issues, natural consequences are important. Your son does need to know ( in a thoughtful presentation-which sounds like the only one you would do) that it is a competitive world and all programs have standards. His choices are unacceptable and have consequences. Better to learn that now while he is still in the nest than later when the stakes are higher.</p>
<p>You consulted with your son’s teacher on how to deal with the conservatory; he/she is the expert on dealing with other teachers. Contacting the conservatory makes sense to me.Having that nagging “to do” out of the way will allow you to focus more on other pressing matters.</p>
<p>Thanks for sharing your story. I am sure it will be helpful to many parents dealing with similar issues.</p>
<p>Glass H. My understanding is that many colleges do not request the first semester HS grades and conditionally admit pending HS graduation with grades acceptable to that college. Many applicants will elect to send in midyear grades if it enhances the application. My daughter’s bad choice was based on that fact. All of her admits (Vassar, Case Western, UNC, Reed, Oberlin, Grinnell etc) were based only on transcript work through the junior year. She thought she could relax with her senior year, earn a few B’s (along with the calculus debacle) and was operating under the assumption her first semester failure would never come to the attention of the colleges (since she redid the course over break and retook the final). The college she chose to attend never saw the “F”. The first semester replacement grade had been earned and replaced it on the final transcript.</p>