<p>Delete</p>
<p>Update: trying to keep this going (as a record of sorts) as new news comes in. S had first counseling session (with me sitting in) on Monday. Pretty much a rehashing of intake interview. I’ve been reading the book on perfectionism that was recommended. It fits him well. Unfortunately, it also fits me well, so I’m wondering how to fit my process into his healing, and hoping what I’m doing doesn’t interfere with what he needs to do for himself.</p>
<p>More info about last semester coming in in dribs and drabs: S missed several lessons with instrument teacher, too. Wants desperately to go to Aspen to show he can handle the responsibility. I am more worried about that plan than ever. Credit recovery (the process the high school has put in place to make up for failed classes) is going well.</p>
<p>Glad the credit recovery is going well. When is Aspen? It might be helpful to make connections and get back on track there as a way to come up with plans for the fall, if he doesn’t go to school, and it might reassure if he is, in fact, going to head to Oberlin. However, if Aspen is too soon, you won’t have time to evaluate the situation adequately. (I am not a big fan of therapy, except for maintenance support, as can be sensed in my posts. In my experience, continuing with life, sometimes with meds, can be the best therapy of all. But there are times when everything does have to stop, come to a total standstill, and I cannot tell if this is one of them.)</p>
<p>Aspen starts mid-June. Counseling is available. I’m thinking to stay long enough for S to have a first counseling session before we leave so he has met and connected with a counselor there. S has decided on a gap year for college.</p>
<p>Will Oberlin hold his spot or will he re-apply?</p>
<p>The conservatory will hold his spot. I can’t say enough good things about this wonderful school.</p>
<p>That’s wonderful news. This sounds like you have both found a good solution and a place to work towards over the year. It will also give him a chnace to grow up a little more before going away. </p>
<p><em>jumping up and down clapping hands</em> :D/ </p>
<p>:"> </p>
<p>Yeah! You guys reached clarity quickly. It sounds like Aspen is more possible because of the gap year. Hoping it gives him a boost. You sure have done a great job, all of you.</p>
<p>Sounds like you are doing a great job dealing with all the emotional aspects of your son’s challenges. I just want to remind you to also make sure to investigate or rule out any potential physical causes. Without trying to scare you these can range from something simple, such as a thyroid problem or lyme disease to something more nuanced and difficult to diagnoses but also very real such as a benign tumor or growth pressing on part of the brain. Your son might feel as though his issues are all related to his personality and he is not doing the things he is doing because of anything physical, but many times there is also a physical piece that is playing a subtle role. For example I know one young man who was an excellent student in HS and then went on to a great small liberal arts school. His first year he became severely depressed and developed anxiety that got in his way of being able to do his work. He went on medical leave. Fortunately his mother is a psychiatric nurse practitioner and knew to look for what might be driving the change in her son’s behavior. It turns out the boy has thyroid problems and may have Graves disease. In another case a young girl became increasingly mentally unwell while in her teens and only as a young adult discovered that she had a benign mass pressing on part of her brain. The mass was removed and she is fine now. One challenge that people have is that there is a lot of fragmentation in medicine these days and it is not always easy to get a health care practitioner to look at the whole person. A book that many have found helpful is called “It’s Not Mental” which was written by a mom who discovered her daughter’s mental health was related to other health issues. </p>
<p>I hate to post something unrelated to the original post, but just have to say that Lyme disease is hardly simple!</p>
<p>Yes compmom, I agree Lyme disease can be challenging to treat and there is a lot of confusion and disagreement among various doctors and scientists about what is and is not Lyme disease and also how to treat it. I suppose by simple is that there is a test and there are medical protocols for treating it. But I suppose given all the challenges and confusion about those tests and those medical protocols it is indeed not at all simple.</p>
<p>I manged to stay away from this for a week… Oh, well.</p>
<p>Glad you have a plan Dec1995! I admire your thoughtful approach and willingness to look at many ideas.</p>
<p>This time next year, you and your son will have a much clearer picture of what he will need at Oberlin to be successful. With work, he should be able to build skills that will help him avoid some of the problems that hindered him this year. Biologic maturity will help, too. Your son will continue to grow in frontal lobes of the brain well into his mid 20’s (which will improve judgement, impulse control and emotional regulation). Simply being a year older can often do wonders in this area.</p>
<p>I do want to make a plug for “talk” therapy. I know many parents on this discussion are advocates for a purely medical approach. Attention to underlying physical concerns should always be evaluated first. For students dealing with challenging psychological issues, medication is the first line of treatment ( for issues such as major depression, bipolar illness, psychosis, severe OCD, TS, panic disorder, some forms of autism spectrum, etc). Medication is also essential for those struggling with chronic pain. Many need medications in order to be settled enough to benefit from CBT or other modes of treatment.</p>
<p>However, for some, medication is not the answer. For my son, medications were, in his mind, destructive and hindered his progress. Presently, he chooses to rely on coffee for studying, exercise and watching comedy for sadness and stress. Talking to family, one of his teachers and two friends also helps. It seems to be working so far. He had no major issues during his four years of college and graduated last week. Could he have gone to a more competitive college and made better use of his intellect with medication? Would he have progressed faster musically? Possibly. But perhaps not.</p>
<p>My son will always be anxious and shy-that is his temperament. He is one of Cain’s “quiet” people but he also had social anxiety. Therapy did help him learn skills for dealing with necessary day-to-day social issues while still respecting his temperament style.</p>
<p>Supportive therapy with an emphasis on building conflict resolution skills can be helpful (great for learning to live in a dorm, dealing with practice room crowding/booking, difficult professors, girlfriend/boyfriend rejections). Learning deep breathing techniques, cognitive restructuring, journaling personal worries, building technological reminders (multiple alarms to wake up, smart phone reminders of work due, schedule) good nutrition and daily exercise can be key to success in college.</p>
<p>Thanks for all your thoughts. I, too, have been trying to give myself a break from my own post as I attend to other matters. Stacjip, thanks for your concern about the potential role of undiagnosed medical problems and psychological functioning. Regarding medication, I know that I will be digging my heels in a bit if medication is prescribed. I’m afraid of the many side effects that can accompany medications and don’t want to make a problem worse instead of better. Luckily, the therapist doesn’t seem to be heading in that direction, at least not for now.</p>
<p>I’m trying to educate myself quickly on anxiety and perfectionism. In my reading, I stumbled on articles about “student burnout,” which is related to anxiety, and the symptoms also fit S. I’ll be interested to see what the psychologist has to say about burnout as part of the problem. S has been on the stress track since high school: AP’s, academic overloads, time-consuming extracurriculars and volunteer work that left no time to decompress. I knew what he was doing wasn’t healthy. Now I can see exactly how harmful it has been.</p>
<p>S is moving through his credit recovery program with good progress, and everyone around here–including those at the university where he flamed out–are paving the way for him to continue doing music next year during his “gap.” I’m so grateful for everyone’s help. S is happy to be taking the year off. He and I have been talking a lot: about what he has been feeling, about what he needs from us to feel more capable of working toward his goals. I’m realizing that, as long as he is in the house, our family is going to have to change how we interact so we don’t interfere with his recovery. It will be an interesting year. </p>
<p>I reread this thread and did not see anyone advocating a purely medical approach or opposing talk therapy. A few of us simply said that an evaluation might not be complete without a psychiatric component, and a review of physical health. </p>
<p>Personally, I am an advocate for therapy while living with life’s challenges, but there are times when a therapeutic interlude is needed. This seems to be one of those times, but it wasn’t clear at first. I am glad he is able to go to Aspen!</p>
<p>Medications can be life-saving, and they can also be very useful while therapy is going on and new habits are established. I agree they should be used with care and only if really needed, but side effects aren’t that bad if you find the right one. For anxiety, there are many other helpful alternative approaches as well. Yoga, meditation, tapping, EMDR, all the usual suspects, of which you are well aware, and I would even add Reiki to the list. </p>
<p>Some people benefit from talk, some don’t. Some chafe under a CBT program with its assigmnents and behavioral manipulations. You’ll find the right path. Good luck!</p>
<p>I struggled with anxiety for a period in my early twenties. I tried talk therapy, biofeedback, exercise, healthy eating, reading self-help books - you name it. After a few miserable years, I went to a psychiatrist who prescribed a med (Prozac) and two weeks later I was symptom free and have remained so for twenty-some years now. Just want to encourage you to keep an open mind on the med issue, because there can be an underlying chemical imbalance of some sort that is fixable, just as you would take meds for blood pressure, cholesterol, etc. </p>
<p>Good to know, Gertrude. I will try to keep an open mind. I can see from life experience and the stories in this forum that one size does not fit all.</p>
<p>I responded way back toward the beginning of this thread and have been really interested in keeping up with your story. I have a gap year D … welcome! She is slowly making her way. I’ll be checking in to see how your S is doing…best wishes to all of you! You sound like a great mom.</p>
<p><em>clutches gratefully at gmfl71</em> You are my new best friend–please stick around. And you have a D going to the college next year! One thing that has really restored my spirit in this whole debacle has been Oberlin’s absolutely fantastic response to our plight. The studio teacher, the conservatory dean, the college dean, the admissions officers from each: everyone has been accommodating, concerned, positive, supportive, hopeful, flexible. If you don’t know it already, I’m here to tell you that your D wil be well taken care of at the college. I want to send all my kids there. </p>